Chapter 10

The event that happened on the elevator triggered my phobia.

So, I was diagnosed with PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder.

And ever since then, my condition became worse. I would always end up waking up from nightmares feeling as if I was trapped once again on the elevator with the memory of my past and voices of the person who was the reason of my sufferings.

And Lia, my psychiatrist, told me that I'm experiencing dissociation: feeling of losing touch with the present moment.

"Okay, Alessia. I'll ask you once again. Do you want to overcome your past trauma?" It was Lia, doing her CBT session on me.

I was just lying here on the sofa in her office, eyes were closed while she was sitting beside me.

I gulped before slowly nodding.

"Just to remind you. We're doing prolonged exposure therapy based on CBT principle. Are you aware of the fact the we need to go back to that certain traumatic event in order to overcome that trauma?"

It has been four months since the elevator incident happened but the memory of it still lingers every day that affected my everyday life especially my work.

"I'm aware..." I finally answered.

"What are your emotions and thoughts when you were on the elevator?"

"I... was scared. I wanted so bad to flee but I was in an enclosed area. The kiss... it reminded me of my past. Every time I think about getting on the elevator, I got scared thinking that something might happen to me just like what I remember from the past."

"What exactly is the past that reminded you of that certain kiss?"

I gulped and tighten my grip on the hem of my shirt.

"Mom... dad." I gulped.

"Okay. So, every time you see someone kissing or the thought and act of kissing reminded you of your mom and dad?"

I nodded and bit my lower lip.

"What else did you remember when you were on the elevator?"

"Shouts... begs... sobs... I hear voices."

"So that trauma on the elevator is the cause of your past trauma when you were a child? Am I right?"

I nodded and for some reason, my heartbeat began to pound fast against my chest as a series of unwanted thoughts once again flooded my mind.

"What happen on that event when you were a child?"

"I-I was... no... Mo-mom was... no, no... I mean..." I gulped as the past started flooding my thoughts again.

"Calm down, Alessia. Breathe in. Breathe out." I followed her order. "Okay, so what was your past that causes you such a phobia?"

"I-I... Dad... No... E-Everytime I see two people ki-kissing or a thought of it... I-I remember..." I gulped.

"Mother-fucker!"

"Please!"

"Stop!"

Tears started forming as I remember the past. I got up from lying because I just cannot talk about it. I shook my head consecutive times and covered my face with my palms and then sobbed. I'm still not ready opening up about my past. I hated it. I wanted to run from it.

I felt a warm embrace from her. She rubbed my back and hushed all my negativity away.

"We can postpone the schedule if you want." She said in a soft manner.

I nodded consecutive times because I know I'm still not ready about it.

"When do you want to reschedule our next session?" She asked with a smile.

"I'll call you when I'm ready." I avoided my gaze.

She nodded.

"Don't forget to take the medicines I prescribed to you, okay?"

I just nodded and head my way out of her office. She smiled at me and grabbed the doorknob, waiting for me to utter a word but I didn't say that word and just turned my back on her to head my own way.

I heard her sigh.

I was already outside the hospital building when someone grabbed my hand and there I saw Justine whose brows were furrowed.

I paled.

"Let me go!" I resisted.

"I just want to talk!" He then pulled me near to the garden.

There were only few patients who was in their own worlds but at least it wasn't enclosed so I felt relieved.

"So, you had a phobia something like fear of kissing?" He started.

I gave him my stoic look.

"Wow! Funny!" He then laughed like my disorder was a joke to him.

I was about to turn my back on him, planning on leaving him hut he grabbed my arms to stop me.

"And yet you didn't tell me about your disorder?"

"Why? If I tell you about it, would you still pursue me?" I asked in monotone.

"Of course not! Who in the hell would date a woman with a disorder!" He mockingly shouted.

"Then you shouldn't have asked me such an obvious question." I coldly said, completely unaffected, although I admit . . . some parts do hurt a little.

"Alessia! We're not done yet!" He fumed when I was about to leave.

"We broke up! Just move on!" I frustratingly shouted.

"I already moved on! I don't want to date a woman with mental illness and disorder!"

I felt a slight pinch in my heart.

"Then don't bother me." I managed to be composed.

"What I'm saying is..." he stopped as if he was having a hard time explaining something.

"I'll get going."

"You should've told me sooner so I didn't waste those fucking three years of waiting for a woman who's crazy!"

I slapped him as hard as I could. My breathing hitched as well as his.

"You are such a jerk. I regret dating you." I spat on his face.

"Well, I regret waiting for you! You're such a waste of time! A person like you deserves to be crazy!" He then laughed but I could see the slight pain in his eyes and it disappeared at instant.

"It's easy for you to say that because you were not on my shoes!" I fought the urge to slap him again, already frustrated.

"And I will never be in your shoes! Crazy people like you don't deserve to be with us! You're not a human! You're such a shame to the world!" He fought back.

I clenched my fist as I felt the burning of my eyes.

"You really are an expert in making someone feel worthless." I then turned my back on him and with a trembling foot, I managed to walk out.

"Because people like you are worthless to the world!" He proudly shouted and laughed once again.

I was once again, not in my right mind while walking. My mind traveled to all events I've experienced and my feet was just walking by itself. I felt hopeless and numb even with the continues slap of the rain from above. Still, I continued.

Again, memory flashed back causing me great distress. I covered my face with my palms because of the grimace look from all the people who passed by me.

I felt ashamed. I felt worthless. I felt like I really don't deserve to be with normal people like them and so I sobbed.

Water... you were always with me. Should I be happy with your presence? Or should I be sad that you pitied me too?

I felt a warm embrace from someone.

"Oh, Alessia. You should've accepted the umbrella I gave you earlier." It was Grayson.

I sobbed because I didn't remember anything that happened earlier.

"Let me guess, you probably experienced dissociation again, huh?" He softly asked.

"I-I don't know..." I shook my head, frustrated at myself for forgetting another detail of my life.

"If you want... I can help you heal." He stated.

"I-I will never heal." I sobbed.

"You will. I trust you."

Why? Why do you trust me?

The loud noise, still present. The clamorous demons, still lingers. The tangled thoughts, still confusing. The waves, still raging. The sea, still deep. But his embrace, stayed still.

I don't even know if I should trust him.

But I ended up gambling again.

Because he trusted me when I didn't.

"I'll carry you."

I didn't get to protest because he grabbed both of my hands, positioned his back and then carried me from behind.

We were both wet when we entered the building. I avoided my gaze when I saw an elevator. He was just walking while I was silently praying that he would not choose to ride the elevator.

And it looks like he heard my thoughts.

Because he went to the emergency exit and started hoofing his way up through the stairs.

"I can walk."

He didn't answer instead he just continued.

I bit my lower lip and silently waited for the second floor. And I straightened my back when I saw the number 2 glued on the wall.

"I'm—" he didn't stop, he continued stepping forward.

"We're going on the 9th floor. My unit." He said, he probably noticed my confusion.

"9th floor... that's too tiring to walk back." I weakly whispered.

He chuckled lowly.

"Don't worry I'll carry you. I'll be your personal elevator, Miss."

I didn't respond.

He was panting when we were already on the 9th floor. I was about to utter a word but he didn't stop so I chose to be quiet until we were already in front of his condo unit.

45736

The passcode. He let me see it.

Wonder what that means.

He continued his walk until we reached his living room and there, he landed me on his sofa and then left me.

I was just silent and waiting for his return until I can finally see him, holding a huge and comfy comforter with clothes and small towel placed above it.

I was following his gaze when he landed the clothes and small towel on the table in front of me. He then opened that folded sheet of comforter and then covered me with it.

"Why did you take me here?" I can't help but to ask him that question.

He sat in front of me, on the table, and crossed both his arms while looking at me intently. He was wearing a white long sleeve with a sleeve rolled up until elbow and loosen black tie, they were wet along with his dripping hair.

"I'll be your doctor. Although I'm still an intern, I'm sure I can help you heal so just stay." He didn't avoid his gaze.

"But—"

"You mean Andra? I talked to her and she agreed including your mom. She even packed your things." He then pointed a luggage that was at the corner.

My forehead knotted in confusion.

"How did you know them?"

He scratched his nape and shyly smiled.

"Didn't you remember? When you were isolating yourself for the past four months inside your room, I've had always visited you, remember?"

"I did. But I didn't remember when it started and how the hell you got to know my family, all I know was that one day you came. Why?"

He coughed and avoided my gaze.

"I don't know. Maybe I was worried?" I don't know if he was being sarcastic or shy.

"You don't have any duty?" I changed the topic.

He looked at me.

"I saw you outside the hospital garden so I followed you since you don't look okay and I guess I was right."

"So, you were on duty?" I confirmed.

"Yeah..."

"What are you doing here then? You should head back."

"I'll just take this day as a day-off and then will overtime the next day."

I avoided his gaze, confused with his actions.

"You don't have too. Nothing's special."

"Well, you are special." I don't know if he was pertaining to my condition or me as a person.

We were silent for a while when he decided to stand up. At first, I thought he was going to leave but then I didn't got to move when he rubbed my hair with the small towel to dry my hair up.

"I gave your sister and your mom the passcode of this unit so they could visit you anytime." He said in the middle of rubbing my hair. "There are a lot of rooms for them to stay," he added.

"Why? You just met me. Why are you doing this? Are you that friendly?"

"I didn't just meet you. I know you."

"What? How?" I looked up to him but he was busy rubbing my hair.

"Just think of this as an assignment for you. I'll help you open up about your past. Lia told me about it."

"How did you know her?"

"I told you I'm a soon-to-be-doctor."

He then stepped backward after rubbing my hair.

"I'll cook so change."

I don't know if I could even trust him but I just followed what my mind says and so I changed. Now I'm wearing his white shirt with a Nike printed on it and under it was his cycling shorts. The t-shirt was oversized for a woman like me but it still looks good on my body so I think it's okay.

I stared at my reflection through the mirror here in the bathroom.

"You look okay." I uttered at nothingness.

But you're not.

"You look normal."

But Justine said you're not.

"You look human."

But he made you feel you're not.

"You're not crazy."

But he said you are.

"You're just suffering..." I uttered softly.

My mind shut down.

"And he... don't know that." I smiled bitterly.

No one will understand me better than I do.

But even I... I don't understand my mind. I don't understand myself. I don't understand why am I suffering. I don't understand how my thoughts work. I don't understand how my body reacts. I don't understand how my heart manages to beat even with its shattered pieces.

I don't understand why am I still living with a mind that went nuts, a heart with cuts and a body that shuts.

A knock made me stop thinking.

"You still there?"

I bit my lower lip and unlocked the door and there I saw him with a disheveled hair dropping little amount of water from it. He's now wearing a white shirt like mine while both of his hands were inside his plain gray pants.

"Yeah..." I answered late, feeling a little uncomfortable with the same shirt we're both wearing.

"Let's eat." He then went to the side to give me way, like a knight, waiting for the princess to walk her path.

I just nodded and hoofed my way to the kitchen. I saw two large bowls with vegetable steak soup on the kitchen table and beside of that bowl was one Goya chocolate.

I don't know if that position was for me so I chose the opposite direction of the bowl with Goya and looked at him who sat in front of me.

I silently slurped the soup and I was amazed with its taste. I was in the middle of eating when he slid the Goya beside me.

Oh... so it was meant for me

"You're welcome." He said and then chuckled.

I just bit my lower lip and chose to be silent.

It was quite until the door clanks, a sign that someone's coming.

"Babe!" It was the same girl four months ago.

She's wearing a white ruby trois top with a short white skirt.

"Rhiana? What are you doing here?" He was shock again.

She ran towards his direction and then clang onto his shoulder and her boobs was touching his body or she's intentionally doing that.

"Wait... I'm still eating. Stop." He pushed her away.

"Babe! Not gonna kiss me?!"

"Don't call me like that. You're not my girlfriend." He glanced at me so I avoided his gaze.

And that's when she noticed my presence. One of her eyebrows went high and her intimidating aura shows. She crossed her arms and then gazed me from head to down which stops on the shirt.

"Why are you wearing his shirt?" She asked in a spiteful tone.

"None of your business." I said in monotone and proceeded with my eating.

"What?!"

"Rhiana, just go." He said in an irritated tone.

"Babe..."

"Stop calling me like that. We broke up years ago."

"So, she's your new girlfriend?!"

I choked because of her sudden remark.

He didn't answer her remark, instead, he just stood and grabbed some water for me which I instantly accepted and drank.

"She's living with me." and I accidently spat the water because of shock.

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