Chapter 1

I embraced the warm breeze that rippled the surface of the pond as I closed my eyes, hugging the exuding fragrance from the flowers that the wind was carrying as if it knew I was feeling down.

Why does life have to be this hard?

I smiled bitterly at the thought that I have no choice but to return to their so-called-home when in fact, for me, it's a prison in disguise.

"Alessia! Your mom is looking for you everywhere!" It was Herra, one of my neighbors.

"Go away, Herra." I said with my same old perpetual voice.

"Such an aloof young woman!" She spat.

I didn't bother to give her any response, neither did I waste my precious saliva on that bitch.

When silence enveloped my ears, slowly, I unlocked my tired eyes to see the beauty of the sunset, and even just for a minute, I felt peace.

I leaned my back on the tree trunk and reached my hand to the sky, trying to cover the sun with my little palm yet its rays were spreading throughout every village.

"I wish life could be as beautiful as sunset." I said softly.

But it's not.

"You stupid asshole! You cheated again, didn't you?!" I was back again, in this hopeless state.

"Stop blurting nonsense stuff! I came from work! You mother-fucker asshole! I'm so sick of your doubts!"

"Look who's talking?! You cheated so what do you expect me to think?! Oh, come on, William! Don't you know what time is it?! It's 9 fucking o'clock!"

I looked at my little sister who was at the moment, staring at me and seems distress.

I heard loud clanks, glasses smashed and nothing but noise from the outside of our sister's room. Fucking noise I'm used to for 15 years of life.

"Andra, come here." I softly called my 9-year-old little sister.

I was not in my bed. My back was against the wall near our closet, even when thin walls are separating us from our parents, noises from the outside were distinct to hear since our house was small.

My little sister went near me and sat beside me. I draped my hand on her shoulder to hug her tightly and she hugged me too. I gave her a peck on her head and did nothing but to smile bitterly at our state.

"Alessia, I can't sleep." She weakly whispered.

"Is it too noisy?" I asked her softly.

She just nodded as an answer and buried her face down to my chest, thinking the loud noise might disappear once she did that but I know it won't.

"I'll sing a song for you. You should rest."

I fetch the guitar that was standing against the side of our cabinet and positioned it to its spot. My sister, on the other hand, ooze a little to give me a space and then she leaned her head on my shoulder just when I started strumming my guitar.

"When my head is full of questions
And the sky is full of rain
When I'm worrying about what I can't change
I take a look in my reflection
And try to make a funny face..."

I looked at my sister and gurn at her. She removed her head on my shoulder and tilted her head on me, giving me an eww with a mix of disgusting look.

I was trying to make a funny face!

Nevertheless, I continued strumming my guitar.

"'Cause if we just smile
We can forget all our trouble for a while
We can just live inside this moment
You and I get through the darkest
Knowing we'll find the light
If we just smile..."

I gave her my feigned smile. She chuckled weakly.

"If we just, if we just
If we just smile
Yeah, if we just smile," she continued the song with her low angelic face while moving her body freely as she listen to the music made by the guitar.

My feigned smile turned into a genuine one as I stared deeply at my sister who was enjoying the song, and at the moment, she was the one who continued the song while my fingers continued strumming the guitar.

If it weren't for her, probably I'll be that rebellious teenager who'll steal money from my parents and live my life off the city, clubbing, wasting the money for unnecessary stuffs but because of her, I became that person I never really thought of becoming.

I wanted so bad to voyaged in this prison hell house with my sister and just the two of us, me making money, and her resting in a peaceful ambiance... but I know I can't.

I have no enough money for her medications. She'll suffer with her condition more if I couldn't give her the medicines her doctor has prescribed.

I can feel the blurriness of everything as I stare at my sister who's currently on her bed and is about to rest. I covered her whole body with the comforter and caress her head gently.

"I love you... and good night." I mumbled and kissed her forehead.

She yawned and closed her tired eyes.

"I love you too," she uttered in a quavering voice.

Instead of responding I just turned the lights off from the lamp and sat beside her, staring profoundly at her peaceful face.

And when I confirmed she was already asleep, I stand up and went to the corner of the room, hiding myself, covering my mouth, and silently bursting all the emotions I struggled so hard to hide in front of her. I sobbed silently and hugged my knees tightly as I felt the indescribable pain from my writhing heart who has carried thousands of emotions I failed to fathom.

The shouts of my parents still linger in my thoughts. The sobs I hear from my mom, my father's rage, my sister whom I know who was silently crying on the inside, everything just feels like hell and yet I managed to walk past all the raging fire of this hell even though I know that my feet was already worn out from all the thorns and pricks of this chaotic road I'm heading to.

It was as if I was walking in a room where darkness rules over my world and I have no choice but to walk and walk, stumble and stumble, fall and fall, all over again, drowning non-stop from the sea of melancholia.

It was like a cycle, and I'm used to it.

And even if I wanted so bad to save myself from drowning, I can't because it keeps on pulling me to its deepest core.

"Ms. Robins, I'm talking to you." It was my professor that slaps me back to reality.

I unconsciously stand, knowing all the attention was on me again.

"Yes Ma'am?" I managed to give a poker face.

She raised a brow, giving me her insulted face because I didn't care to listen to her lectures but I don't give a damn about it.

"Given that you forgot the order of your code lock. How many ways of a 4 digit numbers can be form in a numbers containing 6, 8, 9, 3, 5, and 4 if repetition of digits is not allowed?" She raised one brow.

I paused for a while, trying to calculate the problem.

"Oh you don't know?" She laughed. "That's why you should always listen, Ms. Robins. You are always like that. No 'repetition' or else your grade will fail again and again." She clicked her tongue out of disappointment while a smirk was playing on her face.

I know she meant the other thing.

How unprofessional.

"6 times 5 is 30 and 30 times 4 is 120 and 120 times 3 would be. . . 360. Therefore, 360 ways, Ma'am. With 4 digits from the 6 numbers you've mentioned, which 'repetition' is not allowed." I gave her my stoic look.

My classmates released a shock gasp so I fought the urge to roll my eyes at them since they were being too dramatic.

"Am I allowed to sit? As you said, no 'repetition', therefore, I won't repeat my answer."

She scoffed.

"Don't celebrate too much, Ms. Robins. Remember I am your professor so I know 'better' than you."

Definitely, my classmates noticed the forming tension between us and as wise as they are, no one dared to speak.

"If repetition is allowed how many ways are there? I'll give you 5 seconds to answer." She smirked.

I sighed when she started counting with her fingers.

"Then just find the 4th power of 6, Miss Professor."

"I'm asking the answer, Ms. Robins." She gave me her withering look.

"Calculate it yourself, Miss professor. You said you're 'better' than me. If you can do it in five seconds though." I shrugged.

They gasped at my guts.

"You don't have a respect for your professor, Ms. Robins."

"I do respect you, Miss professor. Because if I don't, probably, I might have left your class the moment you enter the classroom."

Her fist clenched and her annoyance was palpable but I don't give a damn shit about that.

"Ma'am, it's almost time. Mind if you continue?" It was Herra.

She let out a cough to get all the students' attention.

"Okay, then, Ms. Robins. You may now take your seat. Now, listen carefully, zoning out in the middle of my lecture are allowed to get out of my class and by tomorrow, I'll make sure your grades will allow you to get out of this school. Understood?" I'm pretty sure she was referring to me.

And the class continued and so do my mind keeps on zoning out.

"Ms. Robins." It was the math professor who called me after the bell rang.

I don't give a damn with everybody's name and so I didn't know what's her name.

"Why?" I asked, confused.

She arranged her speckled glass in place and raised one bow at me before coughing.

"May we talk for a second at my office?"

I tilted my head, still confused.

"Why so?"

Her brows furrowed.

"Just follow me." It was an order not a permission.

I tightened my grip on my shoulder bag as I swallowed the huge lump that starts to form in my throat. Series of unwanted thoughts started forming in my head but I know it won't do any good and so I followed her.

When we were already at her cubicle, she slammed the books she was carrying on her desk and fall down to her office seat as she turned towards me and massaged her forehead.

"What is it that you wanna talk about, Miss?" I asked with respect.

"Here." She throws a small envelope to my direction.

"What's that?" I asked, not minding to touch the small object.

"Give that to your father and tell him to stay with me and my daughter for one week."

My forehead knotted but I wasn't shock anymore since it was long since I have a doubt about it.

"Is the mistress of my father shamelessly asking that man's own daughter to hand the money for his allowance of being a one of a hell great actor of being a husband and father to its ruined family?" I asked in a sarcastic tone.

She scoffed.

"Oh, come on, Ms. Robins. We all know how much your family needed the money for your sister's treatment. Stop acting a fool and just give that to your father in exchange for him."

"Great! You're such a one great woman! Wonder how would your daughter end up to? Will she end up being a mistress like you too? What a great role model!" There was irritation etched in my voice but I don't give a damn.

She stands up irritably but I couldn't care less because she's a one of a hell great slut.

Few teachers that were left starts to leave the office as the tension grew bigger between the both of us.

"Ms. Robins! Watch your words!"

"Why would I care?! When you yourself didn't even give a damn care about our family! You knew all along how our family was falling apart and yet you continued! You're such a whore who was born shameless!" And because of that, I received a slap from her.

"That's not my fault if your mother wasn't enough for your father! It was your mother's great failure that she didn't give him enough pleasure as a man!"

"Oh great! Oh great! Now you're talking as if you had no dignity left as a woman! Fucking men and their pleasure! What an asshole!" Every word I spat was full of fuels that added tension to the raging fire between us.

"Ms. Robins! Have some respect!" Her voice echoed around the office.

"Oh, you should be telling that to yourself, Miss Professor. Have some respect to yourself as a woman."

And before she could utter any word as an answer, I turned my back at her.

But before I could successfully leave, she gave me a question that made me freeze from stepping out of the office.

"Do you know how many possible outcomes will there be that could make you pass in my subject, Ms. Robins?"

Oh great. Now she's using her power as my professor.

"Zero. As in Z E R O. Zero. And I'll make sure that you won't be able to get in from any universities you want when you go to college."

My breathing hitched at the thought of that but few second later, I managed to compose myself.

"Who says I have plans in getting to college, Miss Professor? Do whatever you want, I don't give a damn."

I thank God my voice didn't tremble. She was unable to utter any words and must I say she was speechless for a brief moment but when she was about to say anything, I already left her alone in that office.

Fucking whore. Fucking men and their pleasure. I fucking hate everyone in this world except for my sister.

Carrying my guitar that was always with me, I didn't head home yet, instead, I would choose to go to my usual spot where I would witness the beautiful sunset.

The public school where I belonged was not far from my house and so I would always choose to meditate alone here in the small hill near our school. The view of sunset was very crystal clear from my position and the very few lotus flowers above the pond was carrying a beautiful fragrance which is already enough to calm the loudness of my thoughts.

If I was a normal kid, I would definitely say that it was nice living in a small town here in New York but because I don't enjoy like what kids normally do or do things like what teenagers do for fun, then I'm gonna say that life sucks living in a beautiful world yet ugly life.

I leaned my back against the oak tree trunk and let myself rest for a while. I was in a middle of my resting pace when suddenly, a man from behind uttered a word.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" A man, or must I say, a teenager boy said.

"What the fucking hell?" I looked at my back but the tree trunk was too big for me to see that person.

"Can you be my friend?" He asked in a euphoric and friendly tone.

I scoffed as I turned back to my original position.

"I'm not into making friends."

I leaned my head to the tree trunk and watched how the sky battle against darkness trying to win over the lightness and yet it has no choice but to give in to the darkness who'll soon rule over the surrounding.

"Well since I don't know you and you don't know me. Can I tell you my secrets?"

"No thanks. You'll just add negativity to my body who has already tons of it," I said in a matter of fact.

He let out a chuckle.

"Well, I guess you're already immune?"

"You can say so," I shrugged it off.

"The thing is... my mother cheated." He trailed off.

"So, you're telling me your secrets, Mister? I'd rather choose not to hear those." I said while shaking my head even though I know he can't see me.

"You can tell yours to me too. I just want someone to hear my thoughts. I just want someone to listen to me. I'm kind a tired of my friend's judgmental faces like they're questioning how weak of a man I am because of the- they-say 'simple' problems when in fact, I was having a hard time coping all those emotions all along."

My lips parted, wanting to utter any word to stop him but at the same time, I felt like we have the same situation- and the only difference was that I don't have any friends to talk to and in his case I guess they weren't 'real' friends.

"Umm... I don't know where to start. I have many in mind to talk to but at the same time, I'm afraid you might judge me." He then chuckled nervously.

"I don't know you, neither your name so that's okay." I was shock at myself as I uttered those words softly.

Well, I guess I can see myself in him. I pitted him, the same way I pitted myself.

"How about nicknames? Can I call you in a nickname so that it would feel like you're my friend? Even just for today. Real friend."

"Cringe," I commented.

He let out a low chuckle.

"Call me Ethan. I hate that name but since you're my friend for today. You can call me in that way. What do I call you?"

I was about to say a word when suddenly a sticky substance landed on my face from above.

"Oh shit." I cursed when I realized that it was a bird poop!

He laughed once again.

"Okay, Ms. Oh shit- it is. Hi, Ms. Oh shit! I am Mr. Gentleman."

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