Sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself do things.

Like, I'll say something, and I'll know that I said it, but it feels like I'm watching myself say it.

It's a bizarre feeling.

Sometimes I feel like I need help.

But I feel to embarrassed to ask.

Like, if I'm wrong, it can be held against me. Used to taunt me. And if I'm doing fine on the outside, fooling everyone, they would have good reason to.

Are you wondering who they are?

Just everyone in general.

I don't know why I'm dumping this into one of my most obscure books. I'm probably really annoying. I probably sound attention-seeking.

And I probably sound even more after saying that.

That's something I hate.

Loops.

Repetition.

The "same old same old."

But the same old isn't as same or old as I think it is. It's completely new. Or it hasn't even been realized.

That's also what I hate.

I hate that I wait for people to point out how down I look, wait for others to try to rescue me. When I know they probably just think I'm all smiles.

But even then, that's not the only reason I'm "all smiles".

I'm so conceited.

I'm so full of it.

But I'm just trying to fill some void where my identity should be. Switching personas daily, pretending to be mad for the fun of it. My fashion taste never being set in stone, so everything I wear looks out of place.

I'm out of place.

But, not really at the same time.

I can talk to most people. I'm welcome in most of those little cliques. But I never belong. I never get inside jokes. I never speak. I just listen. Maybe that's not a bad thing, the always listening part, but I want to be listened to. I want people to laugh at my jokes. I want to feel at home with what I can call friends.

I do have some friends I can be like that with, but I make insulting jokes. Rude remarks. I hurt their feelings. I'm too controlling. I made this one girl cry.

I made her cry.

And the worst part is, my anxiety keeps me from telling anyone about anything.

It keeps me from apologizing.

It keeps me from feeling closure.

And then I dumped it all in some pathetic wattpad account.