"You make my heart shake
Bend and break
But I can't turn away
And it's driving me wild"

***

The next couple of weeks passed without much to call worthy, and Phil was beginning to grow tiresome. He'd almost come to miss the drama that had been pursuing him before, but it all seemed to have vanished after the TCE party.

Granted, him and Chris still weren't on great speaking terms, but he'd begun to receive nods and noncommittal noises in response to his questions, so they at least weren't completely ignoring each other. And he never thought he would think it, but he really missed the way they'd been before. It was almost unreal, how little Chris actually interacted with him these days, when they'd been closest friends for almost five years.

But as the days got shorter and colder, he soon encountered a new and much more aggressive problem.

Christmas break was coming, and with it, a pile of homework from every single one of his teachers and absolutely no will or motivation to complete it. And like that wasn't bad, his mum was now spending a lot more time at home, and her constant monitoring left him on edge, to the point of him spending as much time as possible out of the house.

But on the bright side, Dan's parents had left on a last minute vacation to America for a week, and had (reluctantly) left their son behind.

"Why don't I come here more often, again?" Phil asked, kicking his shoes off at the front door and following Dan into the kitchen. His own house was a lot more cluttered and mismatched, and the spaciousness of Dan's home was like a long exhale after holding your breath for too long.

"Because your bed is bigger," Dan said slyly, taking down two mugs and beginning to make hot chocolate. He had a good point.

Phil watched him move around the kitchen, hopping up to sit on the counter, his legs swinging. It was peacefully silent between them, the kind of quiet that came when you had nothing to say but you were so comfortable with another person, that it didn't matter. You just liked being around each other.

Moments like this were such a welcome break from their usual chaotic lives. Between the bands and school and their parents, it was lucky when they even got a chance to kiss, let alone have an entire afternoon together. But things seemed to be slowing down around them as winter approached, with much less to worry about and more time on their hands.

"So, how have you been?" Dan questioned, coming to stand next to him and handing him one of the steaming mugs. Phil took it gently, with a small smile.

"Um, alright, I guess," he said. "Bit boring, actually. Haven't had practice all this week, and I haven't got much else to do. Been spending a lot of time with my mum, really."

"Wow, desperate times, huh?"

"Definitely," Phil chuckled. "It's not as bad as you'd think, I learned how to crochet yesterday."

Dan laughed into his cup. "You gonna make me something?" He asked in a very amused tone.

"Well, I mean, I can't exactly make distinguishable things yet, mostly just lumps of string."

"Oh, I'd love a lump of string."

"I hate you," Phil said, kicking him gently in the leg.

"Why?" Dan asked, sarcastically concerned. "I fully support you and your stringy lumps, I'm trying to be a good boyfriend."

"Okay, well, how about you be a good boyfriend and not talk about my stringy lumps anymore."

"I'll try and contain myself," Dan said unconvincingly with a smile still playing on his lips. "Alright, so, I have a question."

"And what might that be?" Phil said, taking a sip from his mug and watching Dan over the rim of it.

"Do you think I'd look stupid with a pierced lip?" Dan asked, pinching his bottom lip as if to demonstrate exactly where he'd get said piercing.

"Why, are you thinking about getting one?" Phil said. He was trying to imagine Dan with a metal stud in his face, what it would look like, and what it would feel like, when they kissed. It wasn't a bad thought, either.

Dan shrugged, still poking his mouth. "Just a thought. I don't think my mum would be too supportive of it anyway."

"I don't think you'd look bad," Phil said honestly. Dan laughed once, draining what was left in his mug before setting it on the counter and grabbing Phil's hand.

"Let's watch a movie," he suggested, and Phil set his cup down as well and let himself be pulled into the living room.

They spent a good hour curled up on the sofa together, under the guise of watching movies, but they mostly talked over the TV, making jokes about the plot and adding their own commentary. Phil was one of those people who usually hated anyone talking during movies, because he hated missing any details, but he'd seen these a few times before already, and well, he had a soft spot for his boyfriends voice in the first place. Even when he wasn't singing, he had this way of making people hang onto his every word, and Phil loved listening to it.

"I don't understand this at all," Dan said, shaking his head, his eyes fixed on the screen. "Why do they keep going into the building, all they're doing is fucking up all these other parallel world."

"Have you even been paying attention?" Phil scowled playfully. "They're trying to find out what happened to their dad, that's literally the whole point of the movie."

"I'm just saying, if it was me, I wouldn't have even gone inside in the first place."

"Cause you'd be too scared?"

"No," Dan scoffed, and Phil raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, maybe a little bit."

Phil reached over and tangled their fingers together. "Don't worry, babe, I'd totally protect you."

It went silent between them again, and Phil was just getting back into the storyline of the movie when Dan spoke up again.

"Can I talk to you about something serious for a second?" He asked. His voice sounded somber, and Phil looked over to see he was staring at his lap, his teeth digging into his bottom lip anxiously. He wasn't usually so nervous, about anything, and it was worrying.

"What is it?" Phil said, squeezing his hand lightly. Dan paused for a second, before grabbing the remote and pausing the movie, but he still wasn't looking at Phil.

"Have you ever, like, thought about..." he trailed off, "...about the future and stuff?"

It wasn't exactly what he was expecting, but it seemed to be really troubling Dan. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know, just," he shrugged his shoulders, "what your life will be like, five or ten years from now? What sort of job you'll have, or house, or...partner."

He took a deep breath that seemed to shudder in his lungs and gave Phil a weak smile. "I'm probably just be in paranoid or something, but I can't stop thinking that I won't be anything special in my lifetime. I mean, I barely keep up my grades as it is, I can't imaging myself at university, and it's not like I can be in a high school band for the rest of my life, let alone have a decent job, I'm not very good at anything that would be of use, I....I'm really worried about that kind of stuff, you know?"

Phil didn't know. He'd never given the idea much thought, what his life would be like in the years to come, didn't much like entertaining the topic. He was a touch-and-go kind of person, more worried about the present and what was happening at the moment than what it would all eventually lead to.

"I'm probably being stupid, I'm sorry-"

"No, Dan," Phil said, trying to sound reassuring, but he wasn't very good at comforting other people. "It's fine to worry about that stuff. I just don't think it'll do you much good. I mean, if you spend your whole life stressing about it, then you won't get much accomplished, will you? I don't think it really matters-"

"But it does matter," Dan said cut him off sharply. "I can't go through life without having some kind of backup plan, something to fall back on. I want to make something of myself."

"You don't have to make something of yourself," Phil said. "You should focus more on the things that make you happy."

Dan nodded slowly. "I just don't want to be a complete failure."

It was sort of weird, watching him freak out about something like this. It was usually the other way around, and Phil would come out him about any troubles and worries he had, and this was new. He most likely wasn't doing a very good job of making Dan feel better.

"You won't be," Phil said. "You're one of the best people I know of, and I know you'll do great things in your life."

Dan looked up at him, his cheeks going red. "I hope you're apart of my future, Phil."

Phil didn't get a chance to respond, because the moment was shattered when Phil's phone sprung to life, announcing he had a text message, and both of them jumped at the sudden noise in the silence.

"It's my mum," he said, practically glaring at the screen. "She's wondering where I am, I told her I was going to the library."

Dan seemed to pull back, realizing that things had gotten gotten a bit too serious for a minute and wanting to revert to the way it had been before. He smirked, albeit a little bit deflated. "So, you're leaving then?"

"Sorry," Phil said. "She's probably worried sick, I haven't even called or anything."

"It's fine, no, I understand. I'll see you later, then?"

It probably wasn't such a good idea, leaving Dan in what seemed to be a very vulnerable state of mind, but he was already standing up to leave, and it looked like he wouldn't want to talk about it anymore anyway.

Dan walked him to the front door, and after a few kisses and a gentle shove after Phil tried to take it further, he was stepping out into the cold and hurrying to his car.

The drive was a very preoccupied one. He couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened, not ten minutes before, and wondering if that sort of stuff occurred a lot for Dan. He'd never seen him so caught up, and emotionally so, on one thing before, not in such a negative way. Maybe he hadn't thought about it before, but now, Phil couldn't stop his mind from wandering towards his own future.

Heinous had taken up such a large part of his life for the last two years, and he really could think of himself as anything but their bass player. They always talked big, about making it far and becoming famous and well known, but what if that didn't work out? There were countless complications that could come their way, and just because they had played a major gig recently, didn't mean they were guaranteed a shot at even a record deal.

And God knew his grades weren't cutting it anything close to acceptable. Would he even qualify for any type of job, if need be? Supporting himself was important, and now it was starting to freak him out, just the idea of not being able to do so.

But his crisis was cut short as, again in the last half hour, his phone got another text message. But this one was from Elliot.

ellie:
u busy right now?

Phil had just pulled into the driveway to his house, and sighed as he replied. It seemed he couldn't get through a day without being needed in some shape or form. He felt like the biggest fucking social butterfly right now.

phil:
why?

ellie:
official band meeting, 5 min

phil:
is it important to my immediate health and safety?

ellie:
don't know man, Chris says it's urgent I wouldn't go against him right now

So now Chris wanted something from him? It wasn't like he had much else to do, not since he'd already left Dan's house, but being forced to sit through a 'meeting' with Chris still cold shouldering him and Grayson and Elliot not being much help either wasn't too appealing to him at the moment.

phil:
u don't know what it's about?

ellie:
I was just told to tell you

Okay, he had to admit it seemed a better option than being borderline stalked by his mum in his own house. But that didn't mean he had to enjoy himself.

Pretty much ever since they'd started the band, they would have these meetings, where they all congregated and discussed...well, it was supposed to be so they could discuss things like how to improve their sound, possible gigs they could accept, practice times; but they mostly spent the time joking around and not getting much serious work done. It was a bimonthly thing, but lately, they hadn't been keeping up with it.

Phil sent a quick text to his mum to let her know he was going over to Chris's and wouldn't be back till later, before backing out of the driveway once again.

By the time he got there, it had started snowing, small white flecks sticking to the ground and promising a fucking blizzard. All the lights were on, it seemed, as he got out of the car and walked up the front steps. He was just going to knock on the door, when it swung open, and he was face to face with Chris. There was a moment of cold silence before either of them said anything.

"Hey," Chris said in a subdued tone, like he wasn't sure what to say. He stepped out onto the porch as well, closing the door behind him.

"What? An actual response?" Phil said, only half pretending to be surprised. "I don't think I've heard your voice in two weeks. Almost forgot what it sounded like."

Chris laughed at his sarcasm. "Yeah, okay, I get it," he said. "Look, I know I've been a real dick lately, and I know I didn't have any reason to be. Just, a defense mechanism, I suppose."

"Against what?" Phil asked. "I didn't think it was that serious, asking about your fake I.D."

"It wasn't just that, like," he blew out heavily. "You were asking why I did stuff like that, drinking until I black out and things, and.....it's just some really personal stuff, okay? And I didn't like you digging into it, and I decided that being an asshole was the best solution, which it's not I know, and I'm sorry. I want to be friends again."

Chris was giving him a pleading look, and Phil pursed his lips, thinking.

"Hm," he said. "Will you buy me three extra large bags of Doritos?"

Chris rolled his eyes with another laugh, and nodded. "Yeah, whatever, you dickhole."

They went inside after that, and headed towards the living room, where they found Elliot sitting on the couch, his arm slung around a dark-haired girl's shoulders casually. Phil had never seen her before, and he guessed they had met pretty recently.

"Grayson not here yet?" He asked.

"He went upstairs, said he had to use the bathroom," Chris said, crossing his legs beneath him on the floor. "Been up there a while though, must've ate something bad."

"I'm sure he's fine," Elliot said, and then stood up from the couch, pulling the girl up with him. "Phil, this is Andromeda."

"You can call me Audrey," she said, smiling politely and holding her hand out, which Phil shook. "Nice to meet you."

"You too," Phil said.

"I just thought she'd like to meet you guys," Elliot said. "She's heard about the band and stuff, so, why not?"

Honestly, Phil couldn't remember a time when Elliot had brought a girl to meet them. He wasn't necessarily what you would call a player, or even close to promiscuous, but he wasn't known for his long-term relationships. He claimed he was a 'fast-track, live in the moment' kind of guy. Truthfully, he just couldn't stay faithful long enough to become serious with another girl. He always found someone he felt he would be better off with, and break up with whoever he was with at the moment. Phil had thought that was kind of heartless at first, but he was used to it, and if that was how his friend wanted to live his life, he couldn't get in the way of that.

"Yeah, great," he said. "Um, I'm gonna go see if Gray is still preoccupied, I have to piss."

He got murmurs in reply, the best he could hope for, and went upstairs to the bathroom. There were two, but the downstairs was unspokenly reserved for Chris's parents, and off limits to all teenage boys.

He stopped in front of the door and knocked, but there was no reply. He turned the handle and it was unlocked, but the bathroom was empty. No sign of Grayson. He shrugged it off, not too worried about what the guy was getting into right now, and was just about to step into the bathroom, when a dull sound caught his ear, as if someone had dropped something. And then a whispered, 'shit', which came from the room right across from him, a guest bedroom.

He was sure it was Grayson, but he didn't completely forgo the idea that it might be a serial killer, breaking into the house to sacrifice them all or something.

"Gray?" He said uncertainly, moving to stand in front of the bedroom door with his ear pressed to it. "You in there?"

There was shuffling noise from inside, and then a loud bang against the door. "Yeah, it's me, um," Grayson said, but his voice was oddly distorted. "Just, give me a second, I'll be out soon."

But Phil had always been too curious for his own good, and this whole situation didn't seem right to him.

"Are you okay in there?" Phil asked. "You sound a bit weird."

"I'm fine," Grayson said quickly. "Just go away, I'm fine, okay?"

"As much as I can tell that you really don't want me bothering you right now," Phil said, trying not to sound too pushy, "I'm actually sort of worried about whatever it is that's bothering you, and I don't want to just leave and not even try to make you feel better. I'd feel like a really bad friend."

It was another minute of bated silence before the door opened, and Grayson stood on the other side, giving him a blank look. Phil realized with a surprised jolt that his face was wet with tears that were still falling.

"Why are you so goddamn persistent?" He said in a criticizing voice. Phil couldn't think of a time he'd ever looked so broken down.

"What's the matter?" Phil asked, ignoring his earlier comment. Gray swallowed thickly, before grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him into the room as well, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it heavily.

"She's really pretty, isn't she?" Grayson wasn't looking at him, instead staring at the floor idly, his arms crossed tightly over his stomach.

"Who?"

"Elliot's new girlfriend," he says it with a laugh, like the whole idea is funny to him, but it's cracked and emotionless and Phil knows this isn't a joke. "I, I don't even remember her name, but she....she's pretty, that's all that matters, yeah?"

"She's attractive, I guess," Phil said, still entirely confused but not wanting to offend his friend in some unknown way. "So, what, you locked yourself up here because she's too good looking?"

"I bet he doesn't even know anything about her, nothing personal," Gray continues on his own spiel, as if Phil hadn't even spoken. "They've probably known each other a week, and he'll be head over heels for her for another two days. Why does he do that? He has a different girl on his arm every other week, it seems, why doesn't he ever think about actually having at lasting relationship?"

"That's Ellie for you."

"I could..." he stops, runs his fingers through his hair and sighs. "God, it's every queer guys worst nightmare, isn't it, having a crush on a straight guy."

It takes him entirely too long to catch up with what Grayson is saying, and when he does process the whole situation, well, he can't say he isn't shocked. "Oh," Phil said. "I didn't, know you liked him."

"Really?" Gray said, actually looking amused about that. "I always thought I was pretty obvious about it."

It makes sense, now, if he thought about it. Elliot and Grayson were closer than a lot of people expected of two friends, the kind of friends that made people jealous of their own intimate relationships. They were together more than they were apart, almost inseparable, and basically unstoppable when they joined forces. It was the sort of thing that made you smile if you saw it, just how synchronized and in tune they were with each other, and it was something that seemed like would last forever.

But Phil would never guess that it meant something deeper to one of them. As close as they were, and as much as they toed the line between platonic and downright sexual, he'd known them a long time, and he didn't think either of them would think of the other as anything more.

"I'm not very good at comforting other people," Phil said, still trying to get over this new development in his group of friends, "so sorry of this is insensitive, but you haven't told him, have you?"

Grayson shook his head. "Can you imagine how that would go? Things would be so awkward between us, I could never." He laughed again like he was picturing that scenario. "The teenage pansexual who has unrequited feelings for his best friend."

"You don't have to feel bad about it."

"Yeah, well, my mind doesn't agree with you there."

He didn't have a thing else he could say at this point, and the silence was getting to him, he felt sort of useless right now. Twice, in the last hour, he found himself in situations where other people relied on him, and bared their deepest emotions to him, and he had failed both times at trying to help them. What good was he, he couldn't even try to empathize.

"They're probably wondering where we are," he said stupidly. "We should go back down there."

Grayson seemed to absolutely abhor the idea of going anywhere near Elliot and his new friend, but agreed that he would rather face it than have them come barging in on this personal moment. He wiped his face as best as he could, and rinsed his eyes with cold water so they wouldn't be so red, and went back downstairs. Phil followed him, after using the bathroom himself, since it was why he'd initially come up here.

By the time he joined the rest of the group, Grayson was back to his old self, laughing loudly, like there wasn't a thing in the world that could bother him. He was even sitting next to Audrey, and didn't seem at all put off by the arrangement.

It made Phil wonder just how well his other friends could hide their secrets. And how good he was at hiding his own.