"Don't come crawling back to me when you break down
Cause you dug yourself into this hole all by yourself"

***

The ceiling of his room was painted in dull grays and muted whites, the rain clouds outside filtering through his window and diminishing whatever good mood could possibly have existed there in the first place.

He didn't know how long he'd been staring up at it, maybe an hour or two, but he barely noticed the time passing. He was distraught, a giant mess of guilt and self-hatred, and he was no closer to figuring out how to deal with it than he'd been before.

Laying in his bed and moping all day was the better solution. It wouldn't solve anything, but at least he couldn't fuck things up anymore.

"Hey."

He looked over, and Elliot was standing in his doorway, hands shoved in his pockets and looking as if he'd much rather not be here. Phil sat up slowly.

"Hi," he said, very aware of the awkward air that was surrounding them. "What are you doing here?" He was under the impression that, as of right now, he was nobody's favorite person, and this unprompted visit was more than a surprise.

Elliot didn't respond for a second, still hovering by the door, but after another few seconds, he moved closer and sat cautiously on the edge of Phil's bed, staring at his knees. "You seemed pretty messed up this past...well, the last couple of weeks. Thought I'd come and check on you, see if you want to talk about it." He paused. "Your front door was unlocked."

"I don't--" Phil started to deny him, but Grayson's words from yesterday resonate through him, about refusing people's help. And where that's gotten him so far. "Why? After all that shit I did..."

He could see the dark roots of Ellie's otherwise light blue hair, standing out sharply in contrast; he doesn't usually let them show, dying over it again or changing the color, but it seems he hasn't had the time lately.

"That was pretty shitty of you," Elliot agreed, and yeah, that doesn't make him feel any better. But that's the truth, he supposes; it's not supposed to make you feel better. "But..I figured everyone else was probably blacklisting you at the moment, so you'd need someone to talk to."

It's never fucking occurred to him just how good of a friend Elliot is, to all of them. He doesn't care about what they've done, or how badly they've fucked up, and he's always on their side.

Phil nodded, and bit his lip, and all of a sudden, he's crying and leaning over to wrap his arms around Elliot's neck, hugging him and trying not to get snot all over his shirt. This has got to be the most emotionally unstable he's ever been.

But Elliot hugged him back, and they don't say anything for a while; Phil realized if they're gonna talk, he has to be the one to start it.

"I just.." He started slowly, the words thick and uneven on his tongue. He's so not used to this. "I have been messed up, and I shouldn't be, it's not that big a deal. And it doesn't justify what I did, I was a total dick, and no one deserved that, I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Elliot reassured him, pushing him back to look at him. "What happened?"

Phil swiped a hand across his face. It's getting easier, he finds, telling people about Dan, and he wonders why the hell it took him so long in the first place. He tells Elliot everything, the year long relationship and how stupid he was, and how Grayson found out, and breaking up with him.

"And now," he ran his fingers through his hair. "Jeez, now I'm just a fucking wreck and I don't know how to handle it except lashing out at anyone who tries to ask about it."

Ellie was definitely surprised, and he doesn't say anything for a long time, staring at his knees again. But that felt good, the weight on his shoulders is gone and he is so glad that at least someone knows everything, all the details and craziness he's been going through. And he's thinking about it too, but it doesn't punch a hole in his chest like it did before, doesn't leave him breathless and weak and ready to shut everyone out at a moments notice.

Dan means a lot to him. He always has, and just because they've broken up and maybe started seeing other people, doesn't change that. It doesn't, and Phil needs to stop being so selfish all the time.

"And what you said," Elliot said carefully, "about Grayson. Was that true?" Phil starts to think this is the real reason he came over.

It wasn't his finest moment, quite the opposite, but it was done and he has to find a way to fix that. "Yes," he said, curling his hands over his knees. "It wasn't my place to tell you, but...it shouldn't matter. So what if he likes you, you guys are best friends."

Elliot shook his head. "It doesn't matter, I know that, it's just...being friends with you three for so long has been highly influential. I'd always thought none of you would ever look at me that way, but here I am; slept with one of you, and another turns out to have liked me for god knows how long. It's hard to wrap my head around."

They've gotten so much more tangled and messed up than they used to be, but it's nice, in its own way. They know all about each other now, every twisted and dark secret they've kept close for years, and now it's finally put in the light, but they're learning to deal with it. Slowly but surely

"Never would've pictured you with Dan Howell, of all people." Phil shook his head and laughed, and just like that, the somber attitude from before has vanished. He shrugged.

"Well, now you won't have to," he said, and he doesn't think these words will ever get easier to say. "Don't know if we'll ever fix things between us."

"Aw, don't say that," Elliot tried to protest gently, but Phil shook his head, and he stopped. "Look, all I'm saying is, you shouldn't give up so easily. You obviously like him a lot, and sitting here complaining about it is a little pathetic, don't you think?"

Maybe he had a point, but Phil was less than reluctant to act on it. "And what am I supposed to do, then?" He asked thickly, clutching the sheets of his bed tightly. "He hates me, I know he does, and nothing I say could possibly change his mind about that. I fucked him over, and I can't change that."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Phil." Elliot looked at him, sympathetic and understanding, and for once it wasn't irritating. "Neither of you tried to fix it. And if you care about him as much as you say you do, then you'll try."

And yeah, that made a lot of sense. It was true, they had both made this mess, and no matter how bad Phil felt about it, it wasn't entirely his fault. Dan had wanted to change it, and he'd said that, but he had never tried to, and that was all on him. Why should Phil feel bad for not making him happy, of Dan had never attempted it either?

"They're playing a gig on Friday," Ellie continued. "TCE. You should talk to him."

Phil opened his mouth to respond, but his phone interrupted, ringing on his bedside table. He picked it up and sighed when he saw it was Holden.

"I'm standing outside your house right now," he said when Phil answered, sounding obnoxiously bored. "You haven't been to class for two days so I brought the notes if you want them." He paused for a second and sighed loudly. "And there's also some kind of gremlin out here wanting to see you."

"You're such a fucking prick," said another voice.

"Okay, maybe it's Grayson."

Elliot heard that part and immediately tensed up, but Phil grabbed his shirtsleeve before he could try and leave. "Okay, door's unlocked, apparently," he said, and hung up.

"I don't think I'm ready to face him just yet," Elliot said, his face a mixture surprise and fear.

"You just said it didn't matter," Phil said. "And don't you think it'd be a bit hypocritical, telling me to face my problems while running away from yours?"

And he didn't have any time to reply because the door opened and Grayson walked in with Holden a step behind him. Everyone in the room froze, and the air became thick with all kinds of tension. Gray and Elliot stared at each other with matching expressions of horror, and Holden gave Phil a confused look.

"You didn't tell me he was gonna be here," Grayson choked out, and he was gripping the door so tight, his knuckles turned white.

"I didn't know you were coming by," Phil said casually.

"I just, um--" he took a shaky breath. "I just came to apologize. For getting mad at you the other day. Not that you didn't deserve it, but it was...a pretty dick thing to do."

Phil nodded, but his throat didn't seem to be working properly; he didn't deserve friends like this, he was too much of a fuck up.

"Well this is so sweet, honestly, my heart is just all warm and fuzzy," Holden cut in, tossing a spiral bound notebook on his bed, "but I have places to be, see you losers later." And then he was gone.

It was almost funny, watching Gray and Elliot avoid looking at each other, but Phil, miraculously, held in his laughter.

"I would leave to give you two some privacy," he said, "but this is kinda my room."

Elliot smiled. "Okay, yeah, uh..." He looked up at Gray. "Would you want to, come back to mine? And talk?"

"That'd probably be a good idea." They looked like two awkward teenagers that had no idea what they were doing.

"Just think about what I said," Elliot said as he was walking out the door, looking back at Phil. "Friday. It could be your only chance."

He would have to think about it.

***

a/n: lmao I'm watching a show right now with an Elliot in it and he's gay af it's amazing

like honestly there's not that many chapters left in this story, maybe three or four, it's so weird I always felt like this story would never end but here we are, it's been such a nice and emotional journey :')

buuuut yeah, I hope you all liked this, and stick around cause it'll get better I promise, I love you all and I hope your life is okay right now and if not you can always talk to me, peace :3