"Makin' a movie on the couch with a flip phone
Just like you, like I, like fingers in your mouth"

***

Chris wasn't speaking to him.

Whether it was his usual pissed off attitude at pretty much anyone he made contact with, or because of the particular uneasiness that surrounded the two them after Wednesday, Phil just wanted it to be over. He hated arguing with anyone at all in the first place, and there was enough tension between them to begin with, they could seriously do without ignoring each other completely. Or, rather, Chris ignoring him and Phil not doing anything to attempt to change it. He had tried talking to him, but it was mostly met with unreadable expressions and monosyllabic responses, and the fact that he was going to be staying at his house for the next three days didn't exactly help.

Here he was, just getting out of an argument with Dan, and now him and his best friend weren't speaking to each other. His life had never been so dramatic before.

And he tried his hardest to cope with it, and not let it affect his life in any major way, but he was too damn empathetic for that. It got in the way of their practices, which had started getting more frequent and grueling than before, and he could barely survive the school day. Who else was he supposed to talk to? Elliot and Grayson were closer to each other than either Phil or Chris, so they were usually too invested in their own conversations to think about letting him join. And it wasn't like he could just freely go up to Dan and hang out with him.

That's not to mention, Dan was still being hesitant with him in the first place.

They had resolved things, mostly, and were pretty much back to normal, but now they both had that thought in the back of their minds. They had finally realized, and voiced out loud, the concerns that came with their secret relationship. And while they had agreed to just move on with it, and not worry about it any longer, Phil knew that Dan still didn't like it. And, well, neither did he.

Because he saw it now, he saw why Dan didn't like keeping them a secret. He would look around him, at school and at home and during practice, and he would just suddenly realize that not a single person knew that he had a boyfriend. He's watched enough movies and read enough stories to know there was supposed to be some kind of prideful feeling at getting to show everyone that you had a partner, someone you were committed to, and he didn't have that. And it left a really bad taste in his mouth sometimes.

So his boyfriend was being distant with him, and his best friend wasn't even close to trying to resolve any issues with him, and Phil felt completely useless to the world.

As of right now, he had found refuge in hanging out with Grayson and Elliot, who definitely didn't mind spending time with him, but they weren't really on the same wavelength. And Phil hadn't recently been in the mood for their usual outgoing and slightly unusual activities.

"I told you to stop drawing penises on my face," Elliot complained, sitting cross legged on the floor in front of a mirror, rubbing his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. For the last twenty minutes, him and Grayson had been drawing all over each other, while Phil watched and contemplated his life like the low-key angst ridden teenager that he was.

"You cannot give me a marker," Grayson explained, trying not to laugh at his friend, "and expect me not to draw a penis on your face."

They were always like this, playful and carefree, and Phil had a hard time thinking of them ever going through any kind of hardships. Not that his personal problems about his boyfriend were exactly 'hardships', he just couldn't imagine how they would react, being in the same situation. He envied their innocent ambiance, wished he could be so worry-free all the time.

"Hey, Emo Boy," Grayson said, and Phil focused on him long enough to realize that Elliot had gotten his revenge by scrawling 'Satan is my daddy' across his forehead. "You look like you're gonna start crying MCR lyrics. What's up?"

Phil only shook his head. He wasn't the kind of person who really shared his feelings, not even with people he was close with. "Nothing, just...tired, I guess."

"That's bullshit, and you know it," Elliot said, moving in next to Grayson so that they were both blocking every escape he could possibly make. "I know that you're definitely not the most punk rock person in this group of people, but that doesn't mean you have to hide your feelings." His tone was entirely sarcastic, and Gray dig his elbow into his ribs, shooting him a pointed look.

"Okay, well, firstly I can't take you guys seriously with all that shit on your faces," Phil responded, smiling for the first time that day as they simultaneously scowled at him. "And I'm fine, honestly. You don't have to be so worried." He was met with a pair of disbelieving looks, and he knew they didn't believe him at all.

"Is it about Chris?" Elliot asked seriously. "We know he's been in a bad mood lately, but you don't have to take it so seriously. He's done this before, you know, ignored everyone for a few days. It's nothing personal."

He didn't bother mentioning that, this time, it was his fault. He had made Chris angry by calling him out on his not-such-a-good-influence behavior, and now he was taking it out on all of them.

"We should go," Grayson suddenly said, apparently checking the time on his phone.

Because despite all the shit he's already been put through that week, and despite the fact that him and Chris aren't on great terms, Phil has still decided to go to the stupid party that TCE are going to be hosting tonight. He does want to see Dan, and not just for intimate reasons; he thinks they actually do have a lot to talk about as of recently, and this may the only opportunity they'll have to be alone together for a while. Plus, he lied to his parents for this, he doesn't want it to be for nothing. So he gets in the car with his two now arguing friends, and sulks in the backseat all the to Chris's house.

They're still insisting he needs to wear a disguse, even though he probably won't even be there long enough to be noticed by anyone. He doesn't feel like causing anymore tension between them, so he goes along with it, and after Chris answers the door with frown on his face, they all had upstairs, and Phil becomes their personal Barbie doll for the next twenty minutes.

"This looks absolutely fucking stupid," he says when they finish, scowling at his reflection in the mirror.  The jeans he's wearing are tight and have large rips in the knees, and he wouldn't usually mind that, except the sweatshirt he's wearing is about five sizes too big for him, hanging down to his knees almost, and also has a variety of holes in random places. Part of his face is covered by a pair of large glasses with no lenses in them (like seriously, what the point of making glasses with no use?), and they had shoved a beanie onto his head to 'hide his hair' or something, like it was a defeaning factor of his. He looked like a fucking hipster.

"It looks different," Elliot says helpfully, which in no way made Phil any less weary of the outfit. " And it's supposed to make you less noticeable."

"Yeah, I really don't think I'm 'less noticeable' this way," Phil says "I'll probably get made fun of."

But none of them really care, so he's stuck like this for the rest of the night.

***

The place is entirely packed by the time he gets there, and it's not even ten o'clock. When Dan said it was gonna be a 'private party', he'd definitely been under stating.

He does get a few weird looks as he pushes through the crowds of people, even a couple of sneers and snarky comments, but he ignores them and heads towards the kitchen. In his experience, there are usually less people there because the beer is in the lounge and that's mostly why people come to these things. Phil hates drinking recreationally, and without the influence of his band mates, he's gonna be stone cold sober tonight.

The only thing remotely pleasant so far is the music. At least his sworn enemies have good taste.

"Kill me now," he mutters under his breath, leaning against the counter heavily.

"Well, that would be no fun," says a voice to his left, and he almost yells when he looks over towards it. PJ Ligouri smiles at him in the confident and slightly intimidating way that Chris is always cursing him about, a bottle hanging effortlessly between his fingers as he steps closer. "Is my party that boring?"

Phil has no idea how he managed to even hear him over the loud music that's shaking the floors, but he doesn't question it for long. He hadn't exactly planned on having an encounter with PJ at all and is more than confused about how to handle himself. He's never had a decent conversation with the guy before, not to mention that if PJ even knew who he was, he'd probably humiliate him in the worst way possible.

"Oh," Phil stutters. "Um, no, I wasn't suggesting that. I just....parties aren't my thing. In general." He's fucking terrified that Peej will recognize him by his voice or some shit like that, and he tries to seem natural. "Nothing personal, honestly."

"That's good news, then," he replies. "You look like you could be a lot of fun."

Holy shit, is PJ Ligouri hitting on him? He feels like laughing and crying at the same time, but he settles on a nervous chuckle that he hopes doesn't seem inviting. "Not really. I'd probably just be a killjoy, mostly."

"Would you like a drink?" PJ ignores his disinterest, inclining his head towards where all the booze is. "You seem kind of tense." Shit yeah, he's tense.

"Leave him alone, Pascal, you're scaring the poor guy." Jesus Christ, Phil's never been happier to hear Dan's voice.

"I told you not to fucking call me that," PJ glares as Dan steps up next to him, arms folded across his chest. He's looks different for some reason, but Phil can't pinpoint exactly what has changed about him.

"It's not my fault your mum overshares," Dan retorts. The two continue staring each other down, and Phil thinks they're just like Grayson and Elliot, but a lot more hostile. PJ scoffs, smiling encouragingly at Phil one last time before leaving.

And then it's just Dan and Phil, and neither of them say anything to each other for a moment. They haven't properly talked since Wednesday night, when Dan called him and they worked things out slightly, and Phil's almost forgotten how to start a conversation with him.

Because what is he supposed to say? He can't exactly apologize to him with The Who blasting through the speakers.

But thankfully, Dan does speak up first, and Phil has to lean in to hear him clearly.

"So you still came here?" He says, as a question. And it's right then that Phil notices what changed about him: he's got dark marks under his eyes, so pronounced it looks like he's put makeup on. Dan never has marks, no indications that he doesn't get enough sleep. As much as he complains about stress and difficulties in his life, Phil has never seen him physically affected by it.

"Course I did," Phil replies, deciding not to mention them. "I mean, Chris kind of forced me to, so I didn't have much of a choice."

"Sorry about PJ, he flirts with anything that's not an animal," Dan says with a wry smile.

"Is he always so creepy about it?" Phil asks, making Dan laugh and shake his head.

"Sort of, yeah. It's his method, he says people like 'slightly intimidating with a side of majorly interested', whatever that means."

They stare at each other, not saying anything for the moment. They're not standing too close, a few feet apart, and Phil suddenly wants to be closer, wants to touch him. It's been a while since they touched at all, and it might be a weird thing to be craving, but he wants it.

"We should talk," Dan says, much more serious than before. Phil nods and lets Dan take his hand, pulling him along through the crowd and towards a staircase. They don't run into PJ again, which Phil is extremely grateful for.

Upstairs is a lot quieter than he assumed, only a few people seemed to be up here, passed out on the hallway floor. Usually, all the empty rooms are filled with couples trying to get their rocks off as quickly as possible. Dan pulls him into one of the rooms, a bedroom that looks very unused, and shuts the door behind them.

"Who's house is this?" Phil asks, looking around a bit awkwardly.

"Some guy's," Dan replies with a shrug. "One of PJ's exes, I think." Phil nods, and there's a small pause before Dan speaks again. "Are we okay?"

This wasn't exactly how he envisioned this rendezvous going, a lot less talking and even less clothing. But he knows that they do need to talk about this, because it's a serious crutch in their relationship, and it's making Phil crazy.

"I don't know. Are we?" Phil says. "Lately, I just don't know. We haven't talked in, like, two days, this is the first time I've even seen you in the last week..." He trails off uncertainly.

"Do you still want to be with me?" Dan asks quietly.

"Of course I do, Dan," Phil rushes out. "I don't want us to break up because of this, I want to at least try and work things out. I just don't know how, I mean...we've never had any issues like this before." He takes a deep breath. "I know that you hate hiding it, hate hiding us, and I hate it too, trust me-"

"But not enough to do it differently?" Dan interrupts him sadly. Phil swallows, letting the guilt rip through his chest for being the worst person ever. "I want to be with you too, Phil, I really do. But sometimes, I don't really know if it's worth it."

Phil runs his hands over his face tiredly. Why is this becoming such a complication now? They've been dating a whole year, and Dan has never been particularly frustrated by their situation. It's just too sudden for Phil to deal with. "Could you just...fuck, I just need some time, okay?" He says almost pleadingly. "To think about all of this. You can't expect me to change everything so suddenly, I don't want to make a stupid decision and lose you forever , or something."

And to his utter fucking graciousness, Dan nods in agreement. Phil gives a small smile, reaching out pulling Dan closer.

"Let's just, forget about all the drama for right now, yeah?" He says in a low voice, pressing a kiss to his cheek slowly. "I haven't been alone with you in forever."

Dan scowls at his failure of a seduction tactic, but kisses him again anyway, his fingers tangling into his hair tightly, making Phil groan.

And for all the shit that's going on in his life right, Phil actually enjoys himself that night.

***

a/n: bet you guys weren't expecting this to get updated anytime soon. Surprise, motherfuckers!

Haha but yeah seriously sorry for the wait, I'm a real mess.

And also sorry for the lack of smut. I might post a more explicit version of this chapter in my book full of R Rated stuff, I just didn't want this chapter to be made private or something.

But yeah, thank you for reading this, it always means a lot to me, and I hope you'll stick around for more.

And, if you happen to be a fan of my Grim Reaper stories, I've also posted a sort-of-not-really introduction for the third book, caller Higher. So, check that out if you wanna.

Okay, I love you all, bye peace :3