The wind was rustling my hair. I felt the water in my eyes reflecting the evening stars, their light bouncing back and forth between my heart and my soul. My lips were slightly parted as if I was unable to suck air into my lungs but needed help from the wind pushing it down into them; help me breathe!

The scene I had witnessed was paused, then played back, then played forwards again and again and again. Akihiko... And Ugetsu. Akihiko's hands on Ugetsu's shoulders, stepping closer, over and over.

I had felt hurt when Akihiko left after the concert, not staying with us. He must've been so mad at how poorly I performed. The shame that had consumed me was hot and black. This is it, I had thought. This is it for us.

"Haruki..." I had looked up to see Mafuyu, his eyes mild, a warm and careful smile on his face.

"You motherfu-" Uenoyama had begun.

"SHUT UP!" Mafuyu had screamed at his boyfriend. Me and Uenoyama had both been taken aback, never having heard him scream before, and Mafuyu had used our shock to continue speaking, now in his normal soft voice. "A relationship isn't supposed to feel like this", he had said. "It's supposed to feel easy, and calm, and filled with minor inconveniences. Your relationship is making your life black. Ugetsu is trying to destroy it. Don't let him succeed."

I had blinked. Mafuyu had moved so he was next to me, put a hand on my shoulder, his lips to my ear.

"Just one more time", he had whispered. "One more time. If you still feel like this, free yourself."

I had stood for a while, everything around me disappearing. It had struck me how right Mafuyu was, about two things. Firstly, that a relationship shouldn't feel as uncomfortable as ours did. And secondly, that the reason why our relationship was like this was because I allowed it to. I pulled back to scare Akihiko away, to then be able to say "I told you so. I told you you didn't truly love me." It was incredibly infantilising of me.

I want and need comfort from my boyfriend. And I'm going to get it.

I had turned and run out from the backstage area. I hadn't seen him in the audience area either, so I had run out. I had felt a lightness in my heart then, a freedom.

And that had been when I saw them together. Leaning in, closer than I'd been to Akihiko in a long time.

I had been locked into place as my heart froze to ice, the ice spreading from my heart and down, down, down where it froze my feet so they stuck to the ground. I had felt as if I was going to throw up. Move!! a primitive part of my brain had said, but my heart hadn't been in it. Move!! Get away from here!! It's dangerous!!

With great effort, I had turned and run, away this time. I had run and run, feeling as if I was running in syrup, the air ripping my lungs apart. I had refused to let tears fall down my face, so I had kept running because as long as I did that, I would be safe, I would be safe of any tears, of any harm. In the end, I had just been too exhausted, and had had to stop. I had reached home, that primitive part of my brain knowing what I needed when my heart didn't, and had let myself in, slumped down on the sofa. Don't cry. Don't cry. He cheats on you. He's not worth it. Don't you DARE fucking cry!

I had cried, for a good half an hour, allowing myself to feel heartbreak. It's over. Everything you dreamed of is over. If you hadn't been so insecure. If you hadn't been so difficult, he wouldn't have felt the beet to cheat, and you might still have-

"Haruki?"

My head shot up. Shit. It was Akihiko. He had come into the apartment without me noticing. He must have taken the bus. He made a move to sit down next to me but instantly, I shuffled away, on pure instinct. Akihiko stopped, not sitting down.

"What's wrong?"

I was consumed by an anger then, and anger so deep it covered my heart in acid.

"I saw you", I hissed, looking him straight in his eyes. "You lying, cheating bastard."

He looked genuinely confused. "What do you mean?"

I was furious. "Don't play dumb with me, Kaji!" He jerked at my use of his last name; it was a long time ago now. "I saw you and Ugetsu."

He furrowed his brows, still looking confused. Then, it was as if a light went up to him.

"Haruki-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES!! YOU HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TO ME!! WAS IT ALL A LIE?!"

He still looked confused, confused and surprised and hurt. But then, his facial expression changed, and I saw something in it that was new to me; anger.

"Is that really how easily you disbelieve me? Is that how easily you can crumble up all that we have into nothing?" He wasn't shouting; instead, his voice was low, venomous, trembling with anger. "Did you even pause to think that if I've been so good to you up until now, as you say yourself, and you see a situation lasting for a few seconds that you interpret as cheating, maybe your interpretation of that situation is wrong? Did you even consider, for just a second, that it wasn't a romantic moment you saw between me and my ex, but a moment of anger, of me screaming at him in your defence, telling him there is nothing for him to search for in my heart as I have saved it all for you?!" I just stared at him. "Do you have that little faith in us? You need to start trusting me, Haruki! You need to start have faith in me! But most of all, you need faith in yourself, because by God, I might not be there to defend you next time."

I kept staring at him.

"But Ugetsu said-"

"I don't give a fuck what Ugetsu said!" Akihiko screamed. "He's not an important part of my life anymore! But he seems to be awfully important part in yours."

"How DARE-"

"Play for me, Haruki."

I was taken aback. His voice was suddenly calm and soft like honey.

"What?"

"Play for me." he repeated, walking to my bass, turning on the speaker, grabbing its neck and handing it to me.

"What, how would-"

"SHUT UP AND PLAY FOR ME!!"

I became quiet, pinched my mouth shut. I took the bass that he was forcing upon me. He put the strap on my shoulder, backed off, arms crossed over his chest. He looked at me for a while, but then, he lifted his hand and put it on my cheek, rubbing my skin with his thumb.

"Play for me, Haruki, darling."

This time, he was soft again. I closed my eyes, furrowed my brows.

And before I even had time to think, I stared playing.

I didn't look, just let my fingers find the strings my heart wanted to find. I improvised, played entirely from my heart. I had never considered making a sad bass melody before but now, I did. The melody was complicated, only enabling itself to be played out if you had quick, able fingers and a good relationship with the instrument. My frown deepened. More... You can do more. The melody evolved, intermingled with my heartstrings, physical and metaphorical, and I had to focus so hard, all other thoughts were forced away, the thoughts about Akihiko, about Ugetsu, about my mediocrity, about the show. There was only me and my music. Me and my music and that freeing feeling: This is all I need. Me, and my music. The music will always be there for me, but I need to create it. I don't need anyone but myself to get myself forwards in this world. Not Akihiko. Not Ugetsu. Not Uenoyama or Mafuyu. They're in my life because I want them to, because I choose them. I let the relief wash over me, oil my fingers, enabling my playing to smoothen out even further.

I had never played so well.

I blinked in confusion as the sad tones died out beneath my fingers, and looked up. Akihiko had sat down in the couch, I hadn't notice when. He looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face. But what got to me the most were the tears in his eyes.

"Haruki", he said.

He wasn't looking at me, but down. Is this our breaking point? I thought. If it isn't now, it will never be. I have a choice. I can make Ugetsu ruin this relationship... No, I can make MYSELF ruin this relationship, or I can go in for it with all of the starlight bouncing between my heart and soul.

I couldn't speak.

But I didn't have to.

Akihiko stood up and took two steps to me, engulfing me in his arms. On pure instinct, my hands locked behind his neck.

And he kissed me.

The kiss took the melody I had played on my bass and prolonged it, kept its essence between our lips, and we poured the sweet-tasting flavour back and forth between our mouths. This is heaven, I thought. This is heaven and I don't want to miss it for the world.

He backed me up into the back wall of our living room, pinned my hands to it.

"Mmm", I moaned, blushing.

Akihiko parted out lips, put his hand to my face.

"I love you", he said. "Please... Please come back to me. To us." He wasn't offering; he was begging. "I really want you..." His hand was trembling on my face; I took it in mine to calm it down. "Let me show you how I can love you. I can't take it if you go now. I can't take it if you go now because then you'll believe I never loved you, that I let someone else get in between us. Please believe me when I say it has never been that way. That it will never be that way."

I connected our foreheads. Akihiko breathed out in relief of being close to me.

"You've never been anything but good to me", I said. "I'm just frightened I won't be enough. But..." I put a hand on my bass, still around my neck, pressed softly between us. "You're the person who lifts me to the skies. Who makes me believe in myself. You've worked so hard to be worthy of me, Akihiko, even when I thought you were perfect to begin with."

"Pssshhh", he said, but I ignored him.

"Now, it's my turn to better myself. Please, stand by my side as I do my best."

He released our touch then, but immediately went down, unbuttoning my shirt with his able fingers, started placing kisses on my neck and then further down to my collarbones, licking and sucking there. I leaned my head back and moaned softly.

"Always", he said. He went to my stomach, encircled my navel with his tongue. "I'll always be by your side. As long as you'll have me."

Further down still.

"Ohhh", I moaned. "Ohhh..."