I noticed small changes in Haruki's demeanour.

I got the feeling he wasn't avoiding me at home completely now, but instead tried to ensure we bumped into each other. He would smile a little then, look down shyly.

"Hi", he would say.

"Hey, you", I would answer with a smirk.

We slept closer at night, our fingertips almost brushing but not quite. It filled my heart with warmth. I decided I needed to speak to him after our show, well and truly explain that Ugetsu was not a factor anymore, that I had no decision to make regarding who I loved because to me, it wasn't even a decision. In my mind's eye was the name of one man, and of one man only.

And that man was sleeping right next to me.

It was the day of our show, and we were standing backstage, preparing. Each and every practice had been awful, my poor boyfriend unable to connect, his mind elsewhere. The last practice, he had just left, which was very unusual for him. Usually, our rehearsals were filled with his good mood, any doubt felt by any member of the band smoothed over by his spirits. He'd done so much for us, but when it was his turn to doubt himself, I found myself unable to figure out what to do to make him feel better.

Haruki was now standing with his back to me. I put a hand on his shoulder, causing him to pull them up.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Fine", he said, not turning around.

"Remember", I said and leaned forwards, put my chin on his shoulder, my lips to his ear. "I miss you when you don't look at me."

He turned round and gave me a glance, his lips slightly parted, his eyes insecure but open. 

The show was awful. To a bystander, it would seem fine, but the four of us noticed it; we were disconnected from each other. Between two songs, I caught Haruki's eye. He looked on the verge of tears. I don't want to do this anymore, his eyes said. It broke my heart. You're doing great, I tried to communicate to him through my thoughts. You're doing great and I'm so proud of you for working so hard to keep us afloat. I love you.

It was during our last song that I noticed.

Most of the audience was standing close to the stage, dancing, some even singing along. But in the back of the little hall, a lone figure stood at a table, looking at us dully, unimpressed.

Ugetsu...

I felt anger course up my spine, and I gritted my teeth. How dare he interrupt me in my new life without him?

As soon as our time on stage was up, I wanted nothing but to go comfort Haruki. He was leaning against a wall backstage, hiding his face in one hand.

"What the hell was that?" Uenoyama screamed at him. I could see Haruki had no energy to stand up for himself.

Oh, how I wished to intervene, but I knew I couldn't. Instead, I walked past them, out to the audience. I felt the rest of the band's eyes on me, but didn't care. I need to get to him before he disappears...

To my great annoyance, Ugetsu wasn't where I'd seen him. I looked around in a mad frenzy, ignoring the people around me congratulating me for the concert. I opened the door to the hall, felt the fresh evening breeze in my face. A lone figure was walking away from the building, their silhouette enhanced by a streetlight.

"Ugetsu!!"

The figure stopped, but didn't turn around. I ran to him.

"I never thought you'd come after me", he said mildly when I stopped behind him, still not granting me the pleasure of turning around.

"What the hell do you want?!" I asked angrily.

He turned round, looked at me with his heavy, beautiful eyes. "You can't forbid me to come to a concert", he said, no anger in his voice. God, it frustrated me. This man truly brought out the worst in me. I wish you were here. I wish it were you and me instead, because you only bring forth the good. "I wanted to see him play one more time. The man that's warming my seat until you come crawling back to me when you realise how mediocre he is."

My soul went from a simmer to a boil within a fraction of a second. I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I walked before him, grabbed his shoulders harshly.

"How dare you?!" I screamed. He looked at me with a surprised expression on his face. What the fuck had he expected? "How dare you speak like that about my boyfriend? You lying, cold-hearted, cheating bastard!" Ugetsu kept looking at me, still with a surprise expression on his face. "How do you have the heart to come disturb us during our show? This isn't your time, Ugetsu! This time belongs to me and my boyfriend! We don't want your pity! We don't want your scrutiny! He's smart, and kind, and warm, and he makes me believe that I can manage on my own in this world, that I don't need anyone but myself! That's how strong he makes me! I chose to be with him, and I will keep choosing to be with him every day! You're wasting your time. You're wasting my time. You slept with so many others when we were in a relationship; where are they now? Where are they now, Ugetsu?! Go back to them." I put my palm to my heart, the other hand still on his shoulder. "There's nothing for you here."

I turned and left. I gritted my teeth against the tears that threatened to flood over, not tears of sadness but of anger, of frustration at the fact that Ugetsu looked like he was on the verge of tears. These are not your tears to cry. All emotions I can offer are for Haruki, and Haruki alone.

I never wanted to see Ugetsu again. I started regretting going after him, and I hurried to go comfort my boyfriend. If I see him try to interfere, I will ignore him. I will never run after him again. I'm done with that. All the time that went to this man is now going to Haruki, and I will never have to run after him as he will be by my side. I felt terrible for having left Haruki in his current state, and I would make sure to apologise.

But I felt I had gained something from this encounter. Something very, very important.

I think I had ran after him not to tell him off, but because I was desperately curious as to how I would feel, standing opposite him. It was a desire to pick at a wound you knew you shouldn't touch. I had expected to feel a of longing, of love or at least lust, and even regret. But there wasn't any of that.

When Ugetsu had turned to look at me, my heart had been dominated by one feeling; relief that he wasn't part of my life anymore.

And that Haruki was.