If I had hoped sleeping with each other would change anything, I had been wrong.

It had been a beautiful first time, truly. Akihiko had been nothing but considerate, making me feel comfortable and safe all the time. Afterwards, I had asked to take care of him, and he had let me. It had been pure bliss.

But after that, things became awkward between us. We didn't speak much around the house, just walked around silently, doing our separate things. When we happened to cross each other's paths in the hallway or living room at home, we would look down, scratch our necks, apologise and move on. It broke my heart. 

Mafuyu and Uenoyama were finished with their exams, which meant we would have to start practicing with the band again. We had a show in just two weeks, and hadn't practiced in way too long.

On the morning before the first practice, a Saturday, I woke up at eight. Me and Akihiko still shared bed, sleeping slightly apart, but he always still asleep next to me whenever I woke up. This morning, however, he wasn't there. 

I stretched and yawned, then slung my pyjama-clad legs over the side of the bed; I was a dressed sleeper, always going to bed in checked trousers and an oversized T-shirt while Akihiko preferred to sleep naked. I went to the kitchen and made myself a quick cup of coffee, using one of the plain white mugs I'd gotten Akihiko and me as a gift for him. I went to the bathroom, opened the door...

And came face-to-face with a naked Akihiko.

He looked at me from where he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, shaving foam on his cheeks, razor in hand. It was adorable.

"Haruki", he said with his dark voice that I loved so much.

"Akihiko", I said. "I didn't hear you when you got up."

His eyes were drawn to my mug.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't think to make you coffee, I really should have, I-"

That panic again...

"Akihiko", I said calmly, taking a step to him. I sneaked my hands around his waist, connected our lower bodies, mine dressed, his naked. "Akihiko, it's fine. I'm not Ugetsu. I won't abuse you."

I don't know what made me say it. Maybe it was to convince myself I didn't want to be him, that even if Ugetsu's words about how Akihiko was obsessed with him and his submissiveness in bed hurt, I wouldn't succumb to them.

Akihiko put his razor down on the bathroom sink with a "clank", then put his hands on my waist in turn, connecting our foreheads.

"It makes me happy", he murmured. "That somewhere deep down, you know you don't need to strive to be him."

Practice went awful.

I was disconnected from the rest of the band, trapped in my own world. Despite my words to Akihiko, my mind kept going back to Ugetsu, how skilled he was. How skilled he was with his fingers...

My fingers slipped over the cords of my best bass, causing me to play the wrong note, a mistake that was incredibly unusual for me to make. I gritted my teeth, annoyed with myself. He would never have made such a mistake... I didn't dare to look at Akihiko out of shame. He must hate that I am such a terrible bassist.

"Haruki, are you okay? Do you need to rest?"

It was Mafuyu, always so kind.

"I'm fine", I said, still not looking up.

"We have a show in only two weeks", Uenoyama said, annoyed and rightfully so. "It can't be like this."

"I know!!" I shouted, looking up at Uenoyama, who took a step back in surprise. I didn't blame him; I never lashed out. "I know..." I added more softly and sighed. "I'm sorry."

Akihiko didn't say anything but remained silent, and I could feel him silently watching me. It made me feel awful. What do you think of me, Akihiko? What do you truly think of me?

After practice, the rest of the band wanted to go out for noodles. I declined.

"I'll come with you", Akihiko said as we stood outside the studio.

"No!" I said, a bit too quickly. "I'll be fine. You go."

I turned and walked away. Don't you understand? I thought. Don't you understand I want to be with you? That I want you to follow me, to come with me home even if I tell you not to? I knew I wasn't fair. That Akihiko trusted me to speak the truth, and genuinely thought I wanted to be left alone and that he would be disrespectful to disregard that. But still, it stung when he didn't follow. To my great shame, tears fell down my face as I walked home. I felt so hollow, so halved. Is this how it is? Being in a relationship with Akihiko?

And beneath all of it that one thought. One thought I couldn't escape.

You're abusive. Just like Ugetsu was.

I came home to the apartment, the plates and glasses from breakfast still on the counter. I sighed, but inside, I felt happy to have something to do to take my mind off things. I rinsed the plates of crumbs, butter and marmalade and put them in the dish washer. Then, I proceeded to the glasses, rinsing the sticky orange juice out of them and loaded them into the dishwasher as well. Then, I filled a jug with water and watered my plants. As I took a cloth to dust off the mirrors, I started to feel better, and even noticed I smiled a little.

Suddenly, I heard the keys in the door. I froze.

"Haruki?" His unmistakeable voice.

I went to the hallway. In there stood Akihiko.

"Hello", I said awkwardly.

"I'm home", he said. I just looked at him. He held up a bag of groceries. "I'll cook dinner." There was a small smile on his face, and on his way to the kitchen, he stopped beside me and placed a kiss on my cheek.

"You didn't go get noodles with the others?" I asked stupidly.

Akihiko turned round from where he stood at the countertop. "No, why would I?" He smiled warmly. I love that smile. "The reason I enjoy us eating together is because you are there."

I stood there, cloth in hand, as Akihiko started chopping onions and bell peppers, adding them to a frying pan with a bit of olive oil before taking a garlic and mincing it.

I looked at boyfriend as he made us dinner.