Spring Break was the third week of March, and it was pretty eventful.

I hung out with my usual crowd: Alex and Benny and Dylan, plus Justine. But I also hung out with my newer friends. 

First, Valerie asked me out on a date.

Valerie

Sun, Mar 13, 9:24 AM

Valerie

Let's go out for coffee. Tonight at 7? Starbucks on Serene?

Dallas

Sounds good

Valerie

C U then! 😘

I had no false hopes about this being a date-date instead of a friend date, but I still felt amused at how the tables of my life had turned: I was actually going out with Valerie. That night on our date, after she had paid for an actual cappuccino for me, I asked her something I'd wanted to know for a long time. "Why are you dating Chad Anderson?"

"What do you mean?" Her spine went erect: she was probably already going on the offense.

"I mean, I don't really know him, that's all. I'm probably wrong, but I've always assumed he's just a typical dudebro. But last Friday in chemistry you said we like people for who they are. So I'm curious...who is he?"

"He's really great," was all she said.

"Is he? Why didn't you call him the other week when you got sick?"

"I was embarrassed, okay? He probably wouldn't have made anything of it, but I guess I like him having the illusion I'm a perfect girl. It's not like that will last forever, you know. One day when we're married the two of us will become very familiar with each other. Besides, you just happened to show up when I needed help, like it was meant to be."

"Yeah." I smiled, thinking about how, after the events that conspired that day, I had become so much closer to Valerie. I thought I might be losing some of my desire for her, and I was glad. Not because of her diarrhea—because my thoughts had been occupied by other things? Because I knew I never had a true chance with Valerie? I don't know. Crushes were annoying. Anyways, I would rather have Valerie's friendship. "Do you really think you'll get married?"

"I don't know. I hope so. I'll probably end up going to Cal State so we can be closer. Okay, yeah, he's not super book smart. He might make it as a businessman—we'll have to see. He doesn't care as much as I do about social justice issues, which is annoying. But maybe I want the better job, anyway. Maybe he can be the stay-at-home dad. Sounds great to me." Then she said, "So, what's up with that picture of you and Adree?"

"What do you mean?"

"You two look totally down to kiss."

"Down to kiss? Yeah right."

"Why not?" she asked.

"For one thing, Adree's straight."

"How do you know that?"

"Hasn't she only had boyfriends?"

"She went out with Jay Henderson for like two weeks and Carl Bane for like four months, and I know her and Dennis have hooked up. But that isn't conclusive evidence that she won't go both ways. Don't you think it's weird that after I posted a selfie with you she just had to post one too? She doesn't want to see someone else by your side. Besides... " Valerie leaned in and started whispering to me through the steam of our decaf cappuccinos, "She dared me to French kiss her when we were in fifth grade at a sleepover."

"Did you?"

"Well...yeah..."

"And you're not a lesbian."

"Well, no, definitely not, but—"

"All girls do weird stuff at sleepovers when they're little."

Valerie leaned back and shook her head. But she was smiling.

"What?" I asked.

"This whole time your only argument has been about not knowing whether she'd go for girls or not. You haven't said anything about not liking her, and if you didn't, that would've been your first defense." She started singing, "Dallas likes Adree!"

"I'm going to pour my coffee on your head if you keep this up."

Then she turned Shakespearean football commentator. "The star-crossed lovers from opposite sides of the great debate!"

"Enjoy being scorched!" As I held my cappuccino over her head in a pretend attempt to douse her, I wondered if she was right. Did I like Adree? Maybe a little bit. It had been weird when she'd come over, the way she kept getting close to me, but some girls were just like that...affectionate. She was just one of those weird dancer types who apparently lacked modesty. It didn't mean she would go both ways, and I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.

* * *

Another day, Eric came over, and we did what my friends and I do best: lounged. Lana Del Rey was playing on Youtube, by Eric's choice; he said Sharkbite made fun of him for listening to "chick music," so I made a point to tolerate it. But really...her music was more than tolerable. It felt oddly sensual and invigorating, like a cup of coffee in the morning when you're too tired to sit up straight and keep your eyes open for more than a few seconds at a time but not too tired to gulp that thing down. "She has a really nice voice," I said. "What's her name again?"

"Lana Del Ray."

"More like Lana Del Slay."

Laughing, he said, "Suddenly, I don't feel so bad about listening to her."

I Googled her name, and several images of her popped up on my computer screen. "She's pretty hot, too." 

Eric must've decided to search through the contents of my room as I looked through the contents of my Lana Del Ray search, because after a few minutes he asked, "Found them!" and I saw he was in my closet, grasping the skirts of all the stupid dresses I'd hidden behind my hoodies and coats.

"Ugh. Keep those things away from me!"

He didn't listen. "Which one did you wear most recently?"

My eyes rolled of their own accord. "The stupid blue one."

He took it out, smiling. "Put it on."

"What?" I thought he was joking.

"Put it on. I can't picture you in it. I need to see it to believe it."

I gave him a look. "Is this gonna be like that time where you snapped my armpit hair and it went viral?"

"No pictures, I promise. This is just for me."

Annoyed, I shut myself in the closet and put it on while he waited. When I came out, Lana Del Slay was still playing, so I felt like I needed to make a grand entrance. It took effort to try to remember the details of the only fashion shows I'd ever watched—the annual Victoria's Secret fashion shows—and to strut my stuff out of the closet like the feminine woman I wasn't. I wondered if Adree would think I looked like a total idiot. I felt like a total idiot.

Why was I thinking about Adree? About dancing with Adree? It occurred to me that we'd been dancing in my fantasies, where I could actually dance (outside of my fantasies, I could not).

"I don't know why you object to wearing dresses," Eric said, interrupting my thoughts of Adree. "You look like the life of the party."

"You kind of look like you're checking me out," I said, feeling suddenly very vulnerable: an uncomfortable feeling.

"Sorry," he said back, an admission of guilt.

Which confirmed the suspicions that had just arisen moments before: Eric was attracted to me. Feeling awkward, I said the last thing that had been on my mind, "Do you think Adree would ever go both ways?"

"You like Adree?" He started laughing. "Unbelievable. First you like the chick who at least used to be the embodiment of femininity, and now you like your online nemesis."

Shrugging, I said, "My crushes never make sense to me."

"Mine either." His use of side eye seemed to say so much more than those two words. 

***

Near the end of the week, my phone pinged with a text from Adree, and the sight of her name on my phone's screen gave me tummy-moths.

Adree

Sat, Mar 19, 8:45 PM

Adree

How's ur break?

Dallas

Strange. Yours?

Adree

Lots of family. Mom has been drunk for days. Dad's trying to get us to learn about his culture. Any idea what ur gonna do for your next vlog?

Dallas

Nope. Good thing you have to go first, ha!

Adree

Wrong again! I'll still be in the Philippines.

Dallas

How is this fair?

Adree

It isn't. But u will come up with something great, I know it😀

Dallas

So when will I see you again?

Adree

Is Dallas Delaney ACTUALLY missing me? 

I didn't answer her, but I realized that maybe I did actually, truly miss her.