My brother and his girlfriend somehow managed to make the night enjoyable. I didn't think it was possible after what happened in May to be able to smile as much as I did tonight. By the time we walked out of the bowling alley my face hurt from smiling. Since Kayla had taken my phone, I hadn't been able to sit and sulk in the text from Erin, or more specifically what it meant. She finally handed it back over with a pointed look once my brother had slowed the car to a stop in front of her house.

"Are you sure you don't need me?" she asked, eyebrows drawing in concern.

"I'll text you." I reassured, even though I knew it was unlikely. "I'll call if it gets too bad."

She nodded and reached through my open window to squeeze my hand, then allowed my brother to walk her up to her front door. Jere stretched his arms behind his head and yawned as we waited for my brother's return, smiling weakly when he caught me staring. The drive back to the house was silent, and within seconds of turning the key in the ignition, Jere had exited the car with a goodnight and disappeared inside. I started to unbuckle my seat belt, but Jonathan's worried brown eyes paralyzed me the moment I leaned forward to grab my purse from the floor.

"What?" I asked.

He was quiet for a while, fingers drumming along the steering wheel, before he spun in his seat and met my eyes. "What's going on? What happened tonight?"

"Nothing." I lied. "I'm fine."

"Your conversations with my girlfriend and best friend didn't look fine to me, Addison."

I averted my gaze out the window and to the overgrown tree in the front yard. "I'm fine, Johnny. You have more important shit to worry about than your depressed little sister."

"Fine, you don't want to talk about what happened." he said, and I could feel the next question coming the minute his top lip curled a little, "Then tell me what the deal is with you and Jere."

"There is no me and Jere."

He rolled his eyes like a child. "Asking a boy, let alone one that isn't related to you, to sleep in your room given your history with them is huge, Addy."

"I have nightmares, okay?" I snapped, still avoiding looking directly at him. "I thought. . . I thought having Jere in there might give me a sense of security, because. . . because. . ."

"Because he makes you feel that way when you're awake." Jonathan finished for me. I nodded. "Addison, he's not. . . Jere's not the person you think he is."

I finally looked at him in disgust. "That's funny coming from someone that claims to be his best friend."

"I love Jeremiah!" my brother growled defensively. "But I also know him. And Addison, he's not good for you right now."

"You're going to need to elaborate." I responded without emotion. "Given that he's the only one that's trying to understand how I feel."

Jonathan's expression shifted in irritation and he pointed toward the front door of the house. "He's messed up. He may act like the sweet, funny, boy next door but he's far from that beneath that façade."

"Because his father abused him." I offered up the little I knew.

"Addison, his father didn't just abuse him." he swallowed so hard his Adam's apple bobbed. "His father put him in the hospital and left his mother in a coma, unresponsive for months. When she woke up she had brain damage."

My mouth went dry and my eyes instinctively shot to the front door until it started to blur. That was what he meant about not being able to watch his mother with her nurses.

"He's been through some shit. You've been through some shit. You're both really messed up right now." Jonathan continued. "I know that for you, it's all just comfort and security, but for him it'll become more. I can see that he likes you, Addy, even if he won't admit it. I see how desperately he wants to take your pain away when he's hurting too. It may not be love now, but it will be, and when that happens, one of you is going to end up really fucking hurt and I'll put my money on it not being you."

I flinched.

"I love you both and I don't want to be caught in the middle of whatever this turns into." He added quietly. "But I also don't want to stand between you two if you're what each other really needs. I haven't been through the trauma you guys have, I don't know if it's dangerous or a positive thing to bond over it."

"Johnny—"

"Please, Addy, if. . . if you feel anything or you see he is, make sure you let him know it's not what you want before he falls in too deep. I can't lose him again."

I recalled the injection marks on his arms and leaned between the seats in front of me. "He shoots up, doesn't he?"

"He did." my brother corrected with a sad look out the window into the night. "Sophomore year just after his mother woke up and he saw she was a vegetable, he fell in with the wrong crowd and they got him addicted. Mom and Dad put him through rehab for the remainder of our Sophomore year. He's been clean since."

I wasn't sure whether telling my brother about the recent scar on his arm would do more harm than good, so I just nodded slowly.

"I'm glad you're getting along with both of them; Kayla and Jere. But please, please don't let it come to a point where I have to choose between you guys."

I reached for the door handle and met my brother's eyes so he knew I meant every word I said.

"I won't. I can't promise a lot of things, Johnny, but I can promise you that."

*

I spent over two hours tossing and turning before I texted Erin back with no more than a who? and sat at the edge of my bed. I knew it was likely she wouldn't respond tonight, but there was no way I was going to sleep knowing that I'd possibly have a face to put to the nightmares that preyed on me day and night. A face to put on the tequila breath against my cheeks. A face to put to the heavy weight pressing down on my body and chest, trapping me beneath them.

A face to put to the hands that had left bruises along the lower half of my body, and a permanent scar internally.

Feeling my mouth growing dry and as though the room was closing in on me, I quickly rushed out of my room and pressed my back against the cold of the wall outside, dividing my room from Jonathan's. It took a clinking of a spoon against a bowl for my eyes to widen and spot Jere coming up the last couple stairs, chewing noisily enough that he could probably wake the twins in their room downstairs. I didn't realize why he was staring at me so wide eyed and nearly fell into a coughing fit until I dropped my own eyes to see I was still in my pajamas-a tight pair of shorts and a loose tank top that my breasts were nearly spilling out of.

I quickly crossed my arms over my chest and tried to steady my breathing.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked, then shoved another spoonful of cereal in his mouth. "Is everything okay?"

I scratched at my shoulder, trying my best to keep my voice steady, "Was just getting kind of claustrophobic in there."

"Want me to check your closet for monsters?" he joked, taking a few steps forward. "I can even set up a trap to catch one if you want."

I tried my best to conceal the smile, I even tried biting my bottom lip, but it didn't stop the quiet giggle that escaped me. "You're an idiot, Jere."

"I know." he brushed passed me into my room and peered around, still eating. "Coast is clear, Ms. Andrews."

I joined him beside my bed and lowered myself on to it, tugging my blanket closer to my side and wrapping it around me. He continued to finish his bowl of cereal before he patted his stomach and sat on the bed beside me. "Cereal smacks in the middle of the night."

I smiled a little before looking down at the carpet under our feet. "I appreciate it, earlier, I mean. You being there for me."

"Of course." he flopped back on my bed, in the same position he'd been a couple weeks ago when I'd woke up. "I'll be out of here in a second. I just need to digest."

"It's fine." I mumbled, scooting back on my bed and hugging my legs against my chest. "I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight anyway."

He rolled on to his side, head propped on his hand and inquired, "Wanna talk about it?"

I nearly snapped at him the way I had my brother earlier this evening, but found myself reaching out and grabbing my phone from my nightstand and handing it to him. He straightened and dropped my phone back on to the bed, eyes raking me as if he were trying to figure out where my cracks were and how to avoid them.

"Maybe it's better if you don't know."

"I want to know."

"Why? What good will come out of knowing what piece of shit did this to you?"

I wished he would understand that I didn't have to try and explain why it would give me closure.

"I need to know."

"Why?"

I thrusted both of my hands against my chest, "Because he raped me. Because he took my virginity. Because he destroyed me!"

He sat upright and touched a hand to my own against my chest. "But what good is that going to do you, Addison? Won't it just hurt you more?"

"I. . . he's just walking around out there!" I explained. "Living his life like he didn't completely ruin my own. Like he didn't leave bruises I'd have to stare at all over my stomach and thighs for weeks after."

"Addy—"

"I want to know who he is because I want to understand why he's sick enough to throw an unconscious girl on a bed and undress her before taking what he wants, using her up, and leaving her for dead." I dug the heel of my palm under my eye and clutched a handful of my shirt in my other hand. "As if that wasn't enough, I had to have my fake best friend drive me to a clinic outside of town because they were the only ones that would preform an abortion on me without parental consent at my age."

Jere's hand shook slightly and he curled his fingers in before moving his hand up to my cheek and caressing my cheek with his thumb. "I'm so sorry, Addison."

"I spent my entire life trying to avoid being my mother." I breathed. "I never wanted to attention I received from boys and men. I never wanted to be easy or used or touched. I never wanted to fear sleeping in my own bed."

"I know, Addison." Jere whispered.

I trained my eyes on the window over his head and slowly shut my eyes so the tears wouldn't get caught in my lashes as the silently rolled down both cheeks.

"Addy." Jere's thumb caught the tears on the left side, but they still dampened the right. "What he did to you is fucking disgust and I'm so sorry you had to and still have to live through it. But I think what you need more than knowledge of who he is, is knowing that you're okay. That you're not your mother."

"Not yet." I corrected.

I wasn't sure if he was conscious of the action or not, but his eyes shot to his forearm and he tensed. "Not ever."

"You don't know that."

"You're strong, Addison. Look what you did. You moved clear across the country to live in a house with five boys after being sexually assaulted. That is bravery if I've ever seen it."

I shook my head.

"You're beautiful. Not just on the outside," he nodded toward my chest. "but on the inside too. You've got a heart. One day you'll be okay."

"When?" I moved closer to him and for a second my own walls crumbled and I grasped a fistful of his shirt in my hand. "When does it get easier, Jere? I can't keep living like this. Feeling like this. Why does he get to have so much control over me and my body?"

I felt him wince with every word, but he waited until I'd finished to wrap his arms around me and touch one of his hands to my hair, his chin resting on top of my head. But he didn't respond.

That silence, the stillness in the air as I clung to him, was painful. Agonizing even. All I needed was an explanation as to why the piece of shit who'd taken everything from me still had such a hold on me, and the fact that Jere couldn't utter a single word had me losing control entirely until I was an inconsolable mess.

Until there was nothing left of me but the shell of the girl I used to be.