Restless
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Hatinggabi na nakabalik si Harry. Sumalubong ako sa pinto dahil akala ko kasama pa rin niya si Helga. But he was alone.

"Si Helga?" I asked.

"Umuwi na," sagot niya. "Dala ko na lahat ng gamit mo."

Hila ni Harry ang dalawang maleta ko papunta sa kwarto.

"Bakit... maleta ang dala mo?"

"Si Helga ang nag-prepare niyan. It's not according to your instructions?" he asked.

"Uh... I definitely just asked for at least, seven pairs of clothes. She packed my whole closet."

Mahinang tumawa si Harry at umiling. "That brat."

Napatitig naman ako. Kinagat ko ang lower lip ko para hindi mahawa sa tawa niya.

Good grief. Ang babaw ng trigger ng kilig ko. But it's his smile! Harry seldom smiles!

"Nakatitig ka na naman, Aling Jia," puna niya.

Umingos ako. "Bakit, Lord Commander? Bawal tumitig? May bayad?"

Umiling lang siya at tumalikod. "I'm going to sleep."

"Yeah! Goodnight, Lord Commander! I'll be mooching off you from now on!"

"Goodnight, Jianna."

Pumasok ako ng kwarto at inilabas ang mga gamit ko. Helga did pack my whole closet. 'Yung mga damit ko lang yata na nasa dirty bin ang hindi niya dinala. Lahat din ng nakalagay sa tokador ko, nando'n.

I took a bath and changed my clothes. Nakahiga na 'ko sa kama para sana matulog nang magulat ako sa malalakas na tunog sa malapit. It sounded like fireworks or thunder. Before I could cover my ears, nanginig na 'ko. Napaupo ako sa kama.

Bumalya pabukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko at pumasok si Harry. Mabilis na tumama ang mata niya sa'kin.

"Are you okay?" tanong niya at lumapit.

I couldn't force myself to smile. "I thought... kanina ka pa tulog?"

Naupo siya sa tagiliran ng kama ko. "May fireworks display sa malapit."

Tumango ako.

"Are you okay?" he asked again.

"I'm..." Nakakapit ako sa comforter. The sound was triggering my tears. "Oh my God, I'm not!"

Hinawakan ni Harry ang kamay ko. "It's going to be over soon."

Huminga ako nang malalim para makalma. Bumulong.

I know that it's not going to hurt me. It's just a brain on trauma. What I fear about won't manifest.

But it's making me shiver. Nang tatayo si Harry para umalis, pinigil ko siya sa kamay.

"Don't leave. Sandali lang, please."

"I'm not leaving."

"Sa'n ka pupunta?" I asked him.

"I won't leave the room."

Tumayo si Harry, isinaksak sa power ang media player na nasa kwarto, at binuksan. It's on radio. Tumugtog ang musika sa kwarto. Malakas.

🎼 I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show~

Natigilan siya sa harap ng player at mukhang pipindot uli sa remote.

"Don't. I like the song," sabi ko sa kanya.

Bumalik siya sa pag-upo sa tagiliran ng higaan bitbit ang remote.

🎼 I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear ~

"Let's listen to something else," sabi niya.

I hushed him. "The song's fine."

🎼 And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might ~

Humawak ako sa manggas ng kamiseta niya.

"Still scared?" he asked.

"I'm concentrating on the song," I said. "Don't make me remember the other sound."

"Okay."

We sat through the songs... and a few songs after that one. Pagbaling ko kay Harry, nahuli ko siyang nakatitig sa'kin.

Tumikhim siya. "The firework's long gone."

"Ah..." I sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act so..."

There was silence between us.

"I think I need a drink," sabi ko. "But don't worry. I won't get drunk like last night."

"Okay."

Lumabas kami ng kwarto na nakakapit pa rin ako sa manggas niya. We headed to the kitchen.

Bumitiw ako sa kanya at dumiretso sa ref. I took a bottle of alcohol. Nagbitbit din ako ng baso ko papunta sa mesa.

"Iinom ka?" I asked him.

Umiling siya.

"Okay. Ako na lang." Binuksan ko ang bote, nagsalin ng alak at uminom. Gumuhit ang malamig-mapait na likido sa lalamunan ko.

"You'll be okay here?" he asked.

"Yeah," sabi ko at ngumiti. Tumayo ako uli at kumuha ng prutas sa fridge. May naka-slice na ro'n na naiwan si Helga.

"Then, I'll be going to my room," sabi niya.

"Okay. Goodnight, Harry."

He left the kitchen.

I was left to myself for about five to ten minutes when I heard his footsteps.

Umupo siya sa tapat ko sa mesa at kinuha ang baso ko. Nagsalin siya ng alak niya roon at uminom.

"I need this, too," he said.

Tumayo ako at kumuha ng baso para sa kanya.

"Thanks."

We drink in silence.

"Okay naman ako rito. If you're worrying that I might still be scared... I'm okay," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Hindi ako makatulog," sabi niya.

Tumango na lang muna ako.

"If I'm making you uncomfortable, I can leave the house."

"Don't," sabi niya. "I mean, you don't need to."

"Okay."

Uminom uli ako ng alak. Dapat ko bang sabihin sa kanya na hindi na 'ko kinakabahan at natatakot ngayon sa narinig ko kanina? I'm all tensed up again because he's with me.

I stopped drinking when I was getting tipsy.

"I better sleep," sabi ko.

"Me, too."

Sabay kaming tumayo sa upuan namin.

"Are you okay? Hindi ka pa nahihilo?" tanong niya.

"Nahihilo pero kaunti lang," sabi ko. "I can manage."

"Leave everything on the table. Pumasok ka na sa kwarto mo," sabi niya.

Tumango ako. "Okay."

Dahan-dahan akong naglakad papunta sa kwarto. I could hear Harry's footsteps from behind me.

Pinipigilan ko sanang lumingon pero nauna na ang leeg ko sa pagpihit bago ang don'ts sa utak ko.

Nakatayo si Harry sa arko ng kusina at nakatingin sa'kin. He looked... troubled.

"Harry? What is it?"

Umiling siya. "Nothing. Go to your room, Jianna. Lock the door."

I'm sure it's not nothing but I couldn't ask anymore. Pumihit na lang ako at umakyat sa kwarto ko. Sumandal ako sa pinto.

I drank up with the intention to get sleepy. But because of Harry, it's impossible to rest easy.

Why is he looking at me like that again?

I stayed like that by the door. Makalipas ang ilang minuto, lumabas ako uli para uminom ng tubig. Naabutan ko si Harry na nakaupo sa couch sa living room.

"Gusto mo ng tubig?" I asked him.

He swallowed. "No."

"I thought you're going to sleep?"

"I should," he said. "Ikaw? Why are you still awake?"

"I need water," sabi ko.

"Oh."

I walked to the kitchen and drank half a glass of water.

Pagdaan ko uli sa living room, nakaupo pa rin do'n si Harry.

"I'm really going to my room now," sabi ko.

"Yeah..."

Papasok ako dapat sa kwarto pero hindi ako mapalagay na nasa living room lang si Harry. Pumihit ako para bumalik para lang makita siyang nakatayo at... papunta sa'kin?

Nagsalubong ang mga mata namin.

"I'm just... I'm..." I couldn't make an excuse. Nagbuga ako ng hangin habang humahakbang. I stopped just a few steps away from him.

Why do I need to lie to him tonight, too? I should just tell him what I'm thinking, right?

"Actually, it's bothering me that you're sitting on the couch looking all bothered. May problema ka ba?"

Kunot ang noo niya sa'kin.

"Yeah."

"What? Can I help?"

"I'm selfish, right?"

"Huh?" Lasing ba siya? Pero hindi pa naman siya mukhang lango. He's not whining nor crying nor calling out to Neah.

"I'm unfair," he said.

"I don't think I understand, Harry," sabi ko sa kanya. "What's the problem?"

"You make it hard for me to sleep..." he said.

"What?"

I couldn't move nor breathe. He stepped closer.

"Are you... drunk?" hindi makahingang tanong ko. Lahat ng antok at kakaunting hilo na mayroon ako ay tumilapon na sa kung saan.

Hinawakan niya 'ko sa magkabilang balikat ko at tinitigan.

"You make me restless, Jianna."

What is he talking about? Alam niya ba ang ginagawa at sinasabi niya?

"Harry..."

Niyakap niya ako nang mahigpit. I could hear him gritting his teeth. I could feel his cold hands on my back.

"You're making me really selfish..." he whispered. "What should I do, Jianna?"

Hindi na talaga ako makahinga.

"What... do you want to do?" I asked him, out of breath.

Inilayo niya ako sa kanya at tinitigan. "Are you going to forgive me after?"

"You're a good number of maybe... So, maybe..."

"Maybe is enough," he whispered.

"Ano ba kasing—"

Nanlaki ang mata ko paglapat ng labi niya sa labi ko. It charged little bolts of electricity to my veins. He really is lightning—he kisses with the intent to burn. My mind went numbed and my knees gave in. Umalalay ang braso ni Harry sa likod ko para hindi ako matumba.

We both gasped for breath when his lips left mine. I was scared for a moment that he would let go of me and push me away. But he smiled a gentle smile.

"There's a mistletoe... in our head," he whispered.

Huminga ako nang malalim. I couldn't check about the mistletoe. He's all I see and he's all I hear. His kiss is alcohol in my veins.

"Yeah..." I couldn't take my eyes off him. "Mistletoe."

We stared at each other, probably thinking what to do next.

"Damn it," he whispered and claimed my lips again.

This time, I met his kiss in perfect timing. After getting breathless, Harry held my hand and guided me to my room.

We didn't say anything to each other. But he held me in his arms, stroked my hair, and kissed me on the forehead again before I sleep. #0430ma / 12032016