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Since falling for Harry, all my days started with ifs or what ifs. Before I would open my eyes, I would wonder... what if today, he will finally mean his drunk words? What if today, he'll say things face to face without the need to get drunk? What if today, I won't be just a burden he wanted gone?

What if today, it will be okay to love him?

Everytime, I would get my hopes up and realized that nothing's change. He's still crying alone and he's still trying to send her letters.

Everytime, my heart will sink to sadness and I would cry invisible tears. I would tell myself I'll be okay as long as he tries to be okay. That it's too early to realize all my hopes of even a friendship with him.

Everytime, it would hurt.

I woke up today with a what if, too.

What if he's right there beside me when I opened my eyes? What if he's arms were around me? What if he would ask me—

"Gising ka na?"

Something like tha—

That is Harry's voice! And it's so near my ears!

Nag-alangan akong imulat ang mga mata ko kaya pumikit ako nang mariin. Nakiramdam.

May brasong nakadantay sa katawan ko. At naaamoy ko si Harry. Like... like...

What the heck is happening?!

"Babangon ka na ba?" tanong niya uli.

Hindi ako tuminag sa pagkakahiga. Am I still dreaming? Sobra ba 'kong nalasing kagabi? I mean, I kind of remembered that I slept in his arms but I was almost sure that I would wake up alone.

"Pambihira si Aling Jia. Alam kong gising ka na," he said.

I cleared my throat.

"How did you know?" I asked softly.

"You tensed."

"Huh? How?"

"Nakakapit ka sa damit ko. Nakukurot mo 'ko," he said.

It's the effing hand again. What's wrong with you, hand? Can't you just let go?

"Sorry..." bulong ko uli. Ibinuka ko ang palad kong nakakumos sa damit niya.

"And you're in my arms. I could feel you," dagdag niya pa.

"Shut up, Harry..." bulong ko. Hindi naman niya 'ko kailangang i-remind na yakap niya 'ko.

"Open your eyes."

"Oo." My heart started beating like crazy. "Wait lang."

"I could feel your heartbeat, too."

"Yeah. Nakakahiya e."

Tumikhim lang siya.

Una kong binuksan ang kaliwang mata ko. Sinalubong ako ng view ng tela ng shirt niya. Great! Just effing great! I opened both of my eyes and confirmed... na nakasiksik ako sa kanya. Nakalapat ang palad ko sa dibdib niya. At...

I looked up and met his eyes.

"May naaalala ka?" tanong ko sa kanya. "Sa mga nangyari kagabi?"

"Of course. Hindi naman ako lasing. Ikaw?"

"O-of courshe... course." Curse you, tongue!

I saw a glint of amusement in his eyes. "Naaalala mo talaga? Lahat?"

"Oo nga," sabi ko.

"When you woke up twice because your stomach was hurting and you whined that I should be waiting on the bed for you, naaalala mo?"

Lumunok ako. Tinitigan ko ang mata ni Harry para sukatin kung nagbibiro siya. Hindi siya kumukurap.

"May... nangyaring gano'n?" I asked.

"Yeah. Naaalala mo, 'di ba?"

Kumurap-kurap ako para umalala. May malalabong eksena sa isip ko.

"Harry... masakit 'yung tiyan ko," ungot ko.

"Gusto mong tumayo? Gusto mo ng tubig?"

"Nasusuka ako e... Help me."

"Come on. Let's get up."

Tinulungan yata ako ni Harry na tumayo at pumunta sa banyo. But after that, it was a blank.

"Pambihira ka, 'wag ka rito matulog..." I heard a voice said.

Nakasubsob ako sa isang malamig na bagay. Might be the toilet bowl.

May nag-flush. Someone wiped my face and neck with a wet, warm cloth. Someone carried me.

And there's more of the blanks.

"Sa'n ka pupunta?" I was lying on the bed while clutching at something. "Don't leave me alone... Iiyak ako."

"I'm not leaving. Umaayos lang ako ng—"

"Don't move. Nahihilo ako..."

"Okay... Hey, wait—"

I wrapped my arms around him. He's warm and he smelled nice. At alam kong pwede ko lang siyang yakapin paminsan-minsan. Kapag may bibihirang pagkakataon lang na hindi niya 'ko maitaboy.

"Harry..." I called out to him.

"Hm?"

"I love you... Can I love you?"

And a blank.

Tumingala ako kay Harry na malaki ang mga mata. Sinagot niya ba 'yung tanong ko? Ano'ng isinagot niya?

It's a 'no', right?

"What?" he asked. "What did you remember?"

Umiling ako at nag-iwas ng tingin. "Wala."

"Don't worry, you didn't say anything weird last night."

He's lying. I remembered what I said.

"Saka, kahit may sinabi ako... na kahit ano... lasing lang ako no'n," sabi ko, tumikhim. "So, don't take it seriously."

"Yeah. Kaya, pwede na ba 'kong gumalaw at bumangon? Hindi ka na iiyak?" aniya.

"Of course!" Ang high-pitch ng boses ko. "It's not like—"

Pinisil niya ang ilong ko at ngumiti. "It's okay, Jianna. Don't tense up."

I think I stopped breathing for a moment there.

Tumayo siya sa higaan at minasahe ang balikat niya na ginawa kong unan. May ibinubulong siya pero hindi ko marinig.

Paglingon niya sa'kin, nakahawak pa rin ako sa ilong ko na pinisil niya. At mainit ang pisngi ko.

"What are you doing? Bangon na..." sabi niya. "It's almost noon."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "Sandali lang..."

"Masakit pa rin tiyan mo?"

Umiling ako. "Hindi... ano lang..."

"Ano?"

Good grief. Sasabihin ko bang kinikilig ako? I mean... walang tensyon sa pagitan namin. He didn't look mad nor sad. And he effing smiled!

Ano'ng gagawin ko? Oh my God!

Inirapan ko siya. "Mauna ka nang lumabas..."

"Okay."

Pagtalikod niya, nagpahabol ako ng salita. Para hindi ko na makahiyaan mamaya.

"Thank you for... being my arm pillow last night."

"Yeah."

He went out the room. Saka lang ako nakahinga.

I should ring my own bells to remind myself that last night and this morning mean nothing, too. #1109h / 12022016