A good, bad thing
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Napailing ako sa harap ng kape na iniinit ko uli. Harry ordered it along with the pancakes from a certain resto. I kept on pondering whether to do what I've initially wanted to do or not. But how am I going to help someone who is grieving?

Pag-ingit ng pinto ng common room, napalingon ako.

🎼 There you go again ~

Nahigit ko ang hininga ko.

🎼 You take my breath away ~

Naningkit ang mata ko sa speaker. What the heck with these song?

🎼 The way you looked just then ~

Nag-uunat pa ng braso ang Mahal na Hari. Nakakamiseta at jeans lang. Naubusan na siguro ng long sleeves. O baka dahil Sabado, so he's casual?

🎼 Moves me more than words can say ~

"Kain na tayo," sabi ko sa kanya. Naiplato ko na ang pagkain namin. Naupo ako sa pwesto ko habang sumisingit pa rin 'yung kanta sa tainga ko.

🎼 Just about the time I think
I couldn't love you any more ~

Tumingin siya sa'kin. "Sorry to make you wait."

🎼 Well then, there you go again ~

Pa'no kaya magtupi ng tainga? Or, maybe, we should just request that they turned off the music. Halos wala namang tao rito sa common room kahit kapag lunch time. Usually, sa canteen nagla-lunch ang buong team... which is a building away. This whole building is like the King's domain-all six laboratories, three common rooms, four sleeping quarters, and two recreational rooms. It strictly functions for his research.

For him.

Napipikit na naupo si Harry sa pwesto niya sa mahabang mesa.

"Masakit ulo mo?" tanong ko.

"A little," sabi niya at nagkusot ng mata. Sumulyap siya sandali sa'kin bago tumitig sa pancakes.

Hinayaan ko siya sa trip niya.

Nagbuhos ako ng chocolate sa pancakes ko. I hummed when chocolate pooled from the tower of cakes to the plate. Humiwa ako sa tore ng pagkain, tinusok iyon ng tinidor, at dinala sa bibig ko.

Gosh... this is so good.

Napasulyap ako sa Mahal na Hari. He was watching me closely. Kunot ang noo.

"I'm not weird," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Wala akong sinabi," sabi niya.

Come on, boy. Alam ko 'yung mga gano'ng tingin.

"Ang tagal ko lang kasi sa Minnesota bago 'tong uwi ko rito ngayon. I'm still not used to the stores and the lifestyle here in the country. So, hindi ko alam kung saan ako bibili ng mga gusto kong kainin. Ayoko namang i-burden si Auntie Faith. Laging crackers lang ang nakakain ko... and bread. So..."

Sumubo lang siya ng pancake... sa hinaba ng paliwanag ko.

I stuffed my mouth with food. I should remind myself to be patient with this guy.

We ate in dragging, nagging, clawing-in-the-gut silence.

Humigop ako ng kape... na nakalimutan kong ininit ko. Naluha ako nang kumapit ang init ng kape sa dila ko. Tinakpan ko ng palad ko ang bibig ko.

"Are you okay?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako. "Ang sakit..."

His mouth moved as if he was going to say something... but nada.

The Lord Commander is a man of nothing.

Inilabas ko ang dila ko habang umalis naman si Harry sa mesa.

"Open your mouth," sabi niya pagbalik niya.

Ngumanga ako. Isinubo niya sa'kin ang isang cube ng asukal.

Good. Glucose for burnt tongue.

I closed my mouth and played the cube with my tongue.

"Klutz," sabi niya at pinanood ako.

Hindi ko siya maaway.

"Magdahan-dahan ka sa susunod," dagdag niya pa.

Yes, Lord Commander. Umirap ako.

Nang kaya ko nang hindi maiyak sa paso ng dila ko, kumain na lang ako uli. Gano'n din siya.

Balik sulyapan kami. I guess, he still couldn't ask about Neah.

"Ano kayang nagustuhan sa'yo ni Neah, 'no?" busangot na tanong ko sa kanya. "You don't look like someone fun. She likes someone who's easy-"

"Oy, sobra ka. I'm-" Natigilan siya.

Nagkatinginan kami. Tumikhim siya.

I studied his face. "Hindi naman 'yun nadadala sa gwapo lang. Dapat may humor."

Kumibot ang labi niya.

"You know, you have to like... talk... for me to talk, too. Do you not see how weird this is going to get if we keep on eating together pero 'di tayo nag-uusap?"

"I don't have anything to say."

Which is a lie, I know.

"Don't you have anything you want to ask?"

Napalunok siya sa tanong ko.

"Then, I have something to say." Huminga ako nang malalim. "Kung nandito ako no'ng nanliligaw ka kay Neah, sasabihin ko sa kanyang 'wag kang sagutin. You look like the type na nananakit."

"Hindi a. Judgemental ka," sabi niya at napangiti nang bahagya. "Pinsan mo ang mapanakit. Kahit hindi mo naabisuhan 'yun, tinadtad ako ng basted n'on."

"Seriously? Ilang beses? Tatlo? Apat? Lima?" I clicked my tongue. "Mahina si Neah."

He clicked his tongue. "Two hundred forty-seven times no'ng college. No'ng nagkita kami uli, twenty-two siguro. Ang haba ng buhok ng pinsan mo."

Napatitig ako sa kanya. Nag-high pitch na rin ang boses ko. "Two hundred forty-seven? As in two hundred forty-seven? Masokista ka?"

"Gano'n 'pag tunay na pag-ibig," sabi niya at mahinang natawa.

"Tunay na pag-ibig? Nagandahan ka lang yata e!"

"Maganda naman talaga siya. Pero hindi lang 'yun."

"Oh, ano pa?!" I asked.

"She was kind-"

"Brat 'yun! Ma-tantrums!"

"-sweet-"

"Demanding 'yun at clingy!"

"-smart-"

"Yeah, well..."

"-and she was fragile."

"She is."

Natahimik ako. I sighed at the sight of him painfully smiling.

"Ang lupit humindi no'n e. Kaya naman pala hindi nang hindi..." bulong niya.

"She's just considerate and thoughtful," sabi ko sa kanya. "Ayaw niya ng temporary connections, but she feels like she's a temporary connection so..." Nagbuga ako ng hangin. "Alam mo ba, she used to hate butterflies?"

Napatingin siya sa'kin. Halos mamutla.

"For something beautiful, a butterfly lives a short life. Ayaw ni Neah no'n. Nakakapanghinayang daw. But then, if it gets to live a longer life, will we rave about how beautifully tragic it is or will it just become something that we get used to?

"It's in human nature to love and romanticize the tragedy of a beautiful possibility that didn't come to be; rather than see things as it is.

"A butterfly lives a shorter life than other species but its existence gives beauty to the things it touches. Shorter life or not, it serves its purpose in the world before it's gone. Shorter life or not, it is loved.

"What is there to regret about?"

Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin.

"Tapos, isang araw, nagpunta ako sa Stanford dahil nabalitaan ko 'yung heart transplant niya. We talked about butterflies again. She said she loves them. She said someone makes her love them."

Nag-igting ang panga niya sa sinabi ko. "She said that, huh?"

"Yeah."

Pumagitan ang mga love songs sa kawalan namin ng salita.

"Tell me more stories about her," sabi niya.

"Ikaw muna magkwento. So, ano'ng nagustuhan sa'yo ng pinsan ko bukod sa guwapo ka?"

Ngumiti siya. "Makulit ako."

Naningkit ang mata ko. Gag show ba 'to? Ano'ng makulit ang sinasabi niya?

"I was persistent. She was cold," sabi niya.

"Okay. Tell me the story."

"Are you sure? Mahaba."

"Kapag hindi natapos, mamayang lunch ang karugtong."

"Okay."

"But just a heads up... if you want me listening and telling you stories, too, you have to treat me. You have to eat, too."

"Or isusumbong mo 'ko kay Mommy Faith?"

"Yeah. You got that right, babe."

Natigilan siya.

"What? It's just a term. Would you rather I call you Lord Commander, Kamahalan, Mahal na Hari, o Harry?"

"Whatever, Jianna. I don't think you'll obediently do as I say anyway."

"You got it right, Harry. So, tell me how you happened to Neah."

He reflected. "It started when she was transferred to our block in Bio, no'ng third year, second sem. Naging magka-partner kami sa lab."

"And?"

"Nagandahan ako sa kanya."

Umikot ang mata ko-nang obvious. Wala naman akong itututol. Neah's a real beauty. Nakadagdag pa nga yata sa femininity niya 'yung pagiging fragile because of her sickness.

"Bihira ako magandahan," katwiran niya. "Parang love at first sight."

I scoffed. "Ano ang probability ng love at first sight?"

Nailing siya. "Magpinsan nga kayo."

"Why?"

" 'Yan din pambasag niya sa'kin e-probability at-"

"Empirical data," sabay naming sabi.

Nangiti ako. "So, nagandahan ka kaya kinulit mo?"

"Kaya nagpapansin ako."

Gosh. Ang Mahal na Hari, nagpapansin? Paano?

"Do you want to know?" he asked.

"Please, enlighten me, Lord Commander."

Then, he told me a story-the first of the many stories that I'm sure he's going to tell me.

I watched him talked about her. I watched his facial expressions and his patterns of speech changed. He said in the mail that he was afraid to hear me speak of Neah in past tense. I wondered if he realized that he was speaking about her in past tense, too.

He's a puzzle I still couldn't piece together. #0302h / 11112016