TCWDM : Unread by Jianna

(Neah's email)

TUE, Jan 03
|Inbox |

Harry Lastimosa to me
Jan 03

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Neah,

I'm sorry I haven't been able to write you a letter for a long time. I kept on saying to myself that I'd write but I don't.

More like I couldn't.

I couldn't write to you just to lie about how I'm doing. I couldn't write to you to tell you half-hearted things. I've always been honest with you. I'm not gonna start lying now.

I'll tell you the truth about that someone I told you I missed.

Someone came. Someone you knew very well. Ilang beses mo na siyang nakwento sakin noon pero hindi ko napagtutuunan ng pansin.

Si Jianna.

Jianna didn't just come as an assistant. She came as a tide that swept me away... without me noticing. She came like an earthquake that shook me. She came as air when I was suffocated. She came as sanity when I was too cramped in my little world. She came like sleep, when I was tired. She came as a reminder telling me to live a life, than just to merely exist. She came like breathing.

She also came as love.

I fell in love with her. With her brilliance. With her innocence. With her geekiness. With her almost, always uncombed hair. I fell in love with her naturally, it left me dumbfounded.

I couldn't believe it because I love you. I was so sure of my love for you.

It shouldn't be possible.

But she came like madness, and questions with answers, and feelings I couldn't fight. She became certainty.

The more I realized that I love her, the more I mourned for you. I was afraid to forget you… because when I was with her, all I see was her. I'm afraid of her for you because she makes me forget you.

She makes me live.

And I got scared to acknowledge that. What would I tell you? How would I tell you these things?

So, I resisted my feelings. I pushed her away. But nothing's working.

The more I pushed her away, the more she got defined in my memory. The more I resisted, the more I longed for her.

In wanting to keep a promise to you, I made her cry. I made her cry a lot of times. I set her aside.

Still, she stayed. Still, she loved me. Still, she made me breathe.

How could I keep on ignoring her? How could I keep on denying her when she conquered me real good?

I wish I could reason out with you how she suddenly succeeded in catching my heart when no one else has—except you. I wish I could ask you face to face to forgive me for looking at her and wanting to love her. For wanting to be happy with her. For wanting a life with her.

If I could choose, I would love you and hold on to you for another day. I would stay in love with you. I would keep my promise.

For one more day, I'll breathe for you; mourn for you; wake up for you; live for you. For one more day, I'll thrive in this life remembering only you.

I want to hold unto you as long as I could. I wasn't ready to let go before. Kaya hindi ko pa pinapanood yung video na ginawa mo para sa'kin nung araw na umalis ka. Because I still want to keep you. I still want to dream about you. I don't want to hear a final goodbye from you and realized that it's really over. That you're already gone.

Dahil mas madaling isipin na binabasted mo lang ako kaya hindi tayo magkasama, kaysa isiping wala ka na kahit saan sa mundo.

For one more day, I would want this heart to beat only for you.

But it can't anymore.

I loved you, Neah. You were my first love. You were the love I kept for a very long time. You were my 269 Nos.

But now I have to let go of our beautiful tragedy.

Please forgive me for loving you only this much. I'll meet you in the places we went to, butterfly. To properly remember you and finally say goodbye.

- Harry

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