The HYBE Halloween party is a "new, annual tradition," as said by CEO Kimmy. Taking place on a cruise ship on the Han River, I am kind of—no, very—nervous about meeting all the other idols in the company. Filmed a few weeks before Halloween, it'll be ready for the fans to watch just in time for the thirty-first.

I stand on the bank of the river in my costume. I'm cosplaying as Nurse Akali, a character from League of Legends. She's basically an assassin in a nurse's outfit. I wonder if I went a bit overboard. Hopefully, everyone else's costumes are just as noticeable.

Jesstina stuns in what she calls her disco ball outfit. When I asked her what she is, she said, "disco ball, obviously." I don't know if anyone else will go her route, but she's definitely glowing and sparkling at all angles.

Nabi is a character from MapleStory, her favorite childhood game. Her outfit is inspired by one of the famous chibi, beginner magician artworks—all blue robes and a sapphire wand. The difference between her and Jesstina is stark, but they're both equally excited.

"I finally get to fulfill my fangirl dreams," Jesstina says, gleaming. "Not only do we get to see BTS again, but TXT, ENHYPEN, SEVENTEEN, NewJeans...."

The list goes on and on, but I can't continue listening with my heart pattering—the anticipation of seeing Jungkook again making me dizzy.

"You can't possibly be a big fan of everyone," Nabi says, as she's continuing her spiel.

"Oh I am." Jesstina begins to follow as Kristine and the protocol team gives us the go-ahead to walk toward the pier. "Don't tell me you're not a fan of all these artists."

"Of course I'm a fan," Nabi replies. "Just not...."

"Not what?" Jesstina says. "Are you calling me a crazy fangirl?"

"Girls," I say. "I just think we're showing excitement in different ways."

"Your ex is here," Jesstina says. "Of course you're acting different!"

I suddenly want to throw us all over the bridge, into the water so that I'd wake up spluttering awake on the bank rather than in a party with Jungkook. I try to keep my emotions in check. "That's just ridiculous."

Nabi gives me a few pats against the back, almost as if telling me we're here. You don't have to face your past alone.

"Tonight is supposed to be fun," I say.

"The cameras are on," Jesstina says. "So it's still half-work."

It's something I'm still getting used to—I don't know how BTS handle the attention, especially while filming content like In the SOOP. Now that Jungkook's cameraman is not in our lives, it feels like such a big relief. It also feels like something is missing—but that goes away once we're living in the whirlwind of creating content.

As we enter the ship, I feel the barely-there shift of the water underneath us, swaying me to and fro. The sensation goes away as we continue to walk, into the main ballroom.

The decorations cause me to blink, testing my belief on whether this is all reality. Golden and silver streamers hang from the ceiling. Carved pumpkins with all sorts of whimsical expressions sit on each table. Candles fill the air with the scent of apple pie, and the chairs and walls are covered in autumn-toned fabric. Chandeliers and candelabras provide a dim, amber lighting.

And the costumes are to die for. I see Choi Yeonjun dressed as the pink-haired girl from Spy x Family. Heeseung is an actual fairy prince, and Yehana is a 2013 Ariana Grande. All of a sudden, I don't feel so out of place anymore.

Jesstina, Nabi, and I tour the hors d'oeuvres, everything from the cocktail shrimp to little cups of kimchi fire noodles. Once we swipe a few glasses of champagne, we split up. Nabi wants to meet the girls from LE SSERAFIM, while Jesstina wants to shoot her shot at Zico.

I'm left staring at the boy I both desperately want to see and avoid. Jungkook is dressed in a vampire ensemble, complete with fake teeth and blood stains along his mouth and jaw. A black suede cape rests majestically across his shoulders, and his equally dark tuxedo highlights the broadness of his chest and lithe limbs.

CEO Kimmy, dressed like a high-fashion zombie, interrupts with a brief message on his microphone. "We have a group photoshoot scheduled in about a half hour. Until then, just enjoy yourselves! Let the cameras capture what a fabulous time you're having."

As Jungkook takes leave of his other members, my eyes follow like long range magnets. He slips out of the auditorium.

I finish the large last piece of coconut shrimp that I'm munching on, navigating around the idols. I step out of the commotion, into a hallway that leads to the bathroom. Some of the decorations have slipped out toward this way too—gold and silver streamers, with plastic bats taped across either side. On my right, the view of the Han River paints the glass panels.

"Jungkook," I say. Too softly. I repeat it again, "Jungkook!"

He turns around. Gosh, I could die—his attention is smoldering, especially with his grungy makeup and costume. But his eyes—they soften when they recognize me.

He stops, letting me catch up. "Great costume," I say.

"You too," he says. "You're...." He gestures toward my twin blades, which I'm grabbing like sickles.

"Nurse Akali," I say. "I often play her on League. You've probably seen, when...." When you lived with us, and it was common to see me playing a game after a long day at practice.

"I remember." Jungkook pauses, swallowing once. I wonder if he's recalling all the times we spent as one—one group, all chasing the goal of making the Fates known. Or I wonder if he's thinking about the argument in the park. It was the hammer in the crack—letting us all fall through. "How have you been?" he ends up asking.

"Just fine," I reply, not thinking about it. Maybe I should be more honest, but it certainly feels as though Jungkook and I have shifted a little into strangers territory. I wish I could still hold onto the comfort we had when we danced and sang together, trainees to newly debuted idols.

"I have to pee," he says, as politely as he can muster. "Too many cocktails at the party."

He wants to take leave of me, and maybe I deserve that.

But also....

Ever since I saw him cry on stage at the Seoul Olympic Stadium, it's like a switch flipped inside of me. I regretted how I pushed him to leave the group. I saw his passion—how he desperately wanted to be a part of our girl group, how he believed in our message. Jungkook was not just an accessory. He was an integral part of the Fates. He still is.

Seeing him cry made me regret, but it also pushed a question into my brain. What if?

"Jungkook," I say. "I.... I'm sorry." There are so many things I'm sorry for, and I could just keep going off a list until the night turns to morning. But I hope I sum up my apology in my next words: "Jungkook, I'm wondering if you would like to join the Fates for our upcoming concert. As a guest performer. I know it won't totally make up for what happened between us. But it would be a proper goodbye. I know how much you invested into the group, and I didn't appreciate that."

Jungkook stills, his whole body unswayed even as the boat rocks a bit from a spurt of the undulating waters. He gazes straight into my eyes, as if searching me, testing whether I'm bullshitting or not. I know he isn't an actual vampire, but he certainly glows in an otherworldly manner, the glimmer on his skin reflecting the dim lighting of the hall. Behind me, the clamor of the party fades away. For a moment, it's just the two of us. Like we were in the dorm, spilling out all our secrets, finding comfort even though we were just starting to get to know each other.

"I thought you wanted nothing to do with me anymore," Jungkook replies. But it doesn't sound bitter at all—just him stating a fact.

"I know that's what I made it seem like," I say. I put my hands to my sides, surrendering my weapons. "I know I basically kicked you out. But it wasn't what I really wanted. I was just scared, and I wanted to take control. I was wrong for not taking your feelings to heart."

Jungkook continues his staring, searching me as if he has a supernatural ability. "Karma. I don't know. I tried so hard to break myself away, to separate myself from the Fates."

I swallow, trying to keep away the disappointment from how my words shake. "I know. I'm so sorry I pushed you away. I want this to be an opportunity to make it up to you. Let the girls and I make you a part of the team again. It was never meant to be permanent, but it was always meant for you to leave on your own terms. I took that away from you, and that's my biggest regret."

Jungkook's expression is blank. As the boat sways again, he finally shifts. A slow smile spreads across his face. "Karma. I have one more concert in me. I think you have a deal."

I think I'm mishearing him. "Jungkook, you're sure?"

He laughs, a sound full of heart that I've missed so much. "I'll join the concert. Don't have to be so surprised about it."

As he promises to message me, then leaves for the bathroom, I allow myself to breathe again. Standing in the hall, with the Han River reminding me of how far I've come—from Chicago to this new sprawling city—I allow myself to believe.

Believing in myself, of being a leader that Jungkook can rely on. Of finally, stepping into my skin. Maybe Jungkook can see that too—that I've changed from the time when we first met.

A/N: With Jungkook's birthday approaching, I'm wondering if anyone is planning to go to a cafe event? I'd love to go to one to support JK!

I hope your August is going great, can't believe it's already the middle of the month. If you've gotten this far in Girl Group, I want to thank you for sticking around for so long.