Sweat dribbles down my back, and I feel disgusting—but also amazing.

I stand on stage between my team members, holding their hands—Jungkook on my right, and Nabi on the left. Even though I'm not touching Jesstina, I can feel her vibrations like they're traveling as currents across the stage.

"We're down to the final two," says the MC, a male idol who could possibly pass as Jungkook's younger brother. "We have the Fates, with their song 'Weavers.' And we have Jumble, with their song 'Heartstring.'"

A boy group with four members are our competitors. Last week, we weren't able to win any awards due to tough competition. This week, we actually have a chance.

The seconds could not possibly stretch any longer.

The few girls that were a part of my life before, in middle school and part of high school, would cover for me whenever we had a class presentation—they would say that I was sick when I was actually hiding in the bathroom. It feels like one of those incidents now, except I have nowhere to hide besides my members' elongated shadows.

The harsh lights sting my skin, and a fainting spell almost comes on. But I don't regret giving it my all during the live performance of "Weavers." It's only my second week as an idol, and the rush I feel after executing a choreo and vocal sequence is incomparable to anything I've felt before.

As I glance over at Jungkook, I notice him worrying his lips. Could it be possible that he's nervous as well, despite being on this stage hundreds of times?

"And the winner...." The other MC, a female idol, lowers her cue cards, pausing for the most unnecessary dramatic effect ever. "The Fates, with their song "Weavers!"

The confetti cannons fire, and cheers erupt from seemingly every angle.

I can't move. Both Jungkook and Nabi have to extricate their hands from mine. I freeze for a good five seconds, until the MCs are shoving a trophy towards me. I take it, and even though the stand and metal aren't that heavy, I suddenly feel like I could drop straight down.

I manage to take a microphone, holding it in my left hand as my right deals with the trophy. Jungkook helps me hold it upright, nodding at me as if to say time for your big speech.

"I just want to say...."

I have the whole speech laid out in front of me, parsed through so many times that I could probably recite it hanging upside down.

A tear falls. It rivulets down my face, passing down my nose and cresting over my lips.

Once I start, I can't control it. I sob, folding into myself. Jesstina and Jungkook catch the trophy, and I raise my microphone in an attempt to hide my face. I've always been an ugly crier.

Nabi handles the speech, but I can barely hear her over my own sobs. Jungkook holds me up with the power of his left arm, and I lean into Jesstina when she rubs a hand over my back. The show concludes as the confetti continues to rain down, rippling around like floaters in my eye.

"It's okay, Karma!" someone yells from the audience. I barely raise my hand in thanks, although I'm sure it looks like I'm fending off a monster.

All of those nights of training have culminated into this win, and now I'm so overwhelmed I can barely breathe.

The encore stage begins, the synths of "Weavers" filling up the auditorium. I try to be lively, but after I get the tears a little under control, I focus solely on not breaking down again. Jungkook and Nabi pose, making a heart over their heads. Jesstina waves the trophy around, proudly showing it off like it's her bachelor's degree.

As I make my way off stage, I wipe at my face again, probably smearing eyeshadow and mascara everywhere. I don't know what got into me, because I can count the times on one hand when I cried in public, or even in front of the few friends that I had in Chicago. And at home, I would always rather cry in my room rather than in the presence of my parents.

Jungkook, Nabi, Jesstina, and I sit down on a couch in the green room, while our team sets up a camera for our very first group Live. Being that we just won on a music show, this will make the Live all the sweeter.

"Are you alright?" Jungkook asks. He nestles next to me on my right, while Jesstina and Nabi squeeze together on my left.

The lights are bright here, but not nearly as blinding as on stage. I manage a tight grin, not able to fully process just how embarrassing my breakdown was. "I'm okay."

"We're on in ten seconds," Kristine says, pointing to the latest smartphone model which rests horizontally on a stand.

We've most certainly done practice Lives before, and from all my training I should know to smile and be pleasant. But I must appear like a deer in the headlights when the timer shuts off after 0.

"Hello!" Jesstina sings out, practically shaking from excitement.

Nabi appears calm, but I can tell from the tightness of her brow that she's nervous for our first-ever Live too. "Nice to meet you all," she says. Then, she speaks in perfect English, "We are so excited to see all of our international fans, especially."

The numbers on the monitor, displayed next to the phone, skyrocket. All sorts of comments roll in—someone asks me to send them pictures of my feet, which I can't help but grimace at. I briefly introduce myself before handing it off to Jungkook.

"Now, please be nice to these girls," Jungkook says, sweeping his hair back. I have flashbacks to watching some of his Lives as a trainee, when he'd sit for hours, singing karaoke for ARMY. "It's their first Live, so give them time to get comfortable."

"Someone is asking whether Jungkook snores," Jesstina says. She scrunches her nose. "I wouldn't know. We sleep in separate rooms, you know!"

"I did hear something like snoring the other night," Nabi muses.

"Nabi!" says Jungkook, feigning betrayal.

I jump in, smiling despite myself. "As the leader, I can confirm that Jungkook snores. Don't I know everything about my members?"

The girls laugh, and Jungkook shoots me a mock scowl. "Anyway, how do you all feel about your first win?" Jungkook asks.

The trophy shines like a mirage on the table. I pick it up and display it in the shot, the emotions welling inside me like a coming tide. The sheen of it, polished so well that it reminds me of a precious gem, is enough for the threat of tears to return. "Amazing," I say, when I find the words spinning before me, so many different reactions real and valid.

I hold onto the trophy as Nabi and Jesstina banter. They shake off the nerves, becoming more comfortable by the minute. Nabi is surprisingly outspoken. She answers questions with ease and matches Jesstina's ramblings blow for blow. Jungkook sits back, reading the comments judging by his angle toward the monitor. I'm mostly quiet, the drain of being around so many people all day taking a toll on me. Even so, I surge with excitement whenever the chat blows up, imagining those thousands of people sitting behind their screens and carving out some time just to watch us sit on a couch.

"Someone asks who in the group is most Jungkook's type," Jesstina says. She wiggles her eyebrows at Jungkook, who leans forward to see the comment before it disappears in the surge.

"Someone really asked that?" Jungkook says.

"Answer the question!" Jesstina says. She places a straightened hand under her chin, as if beckoning him to choose her.

"Hmm," Jungkook says, tickling his chin with his index finger.

Just dodge the question. I don't know why Jungkook is taking so long to squash the dating rumor.

"Probably Karma," he says.

My heart patters, bursting against the confines of my chest. I lose the ability to breathe, to speak. The trophy weighs like a block of lead in my hands. At the same time, it feels like I could chuck it toward the ceiling and easily make a hole toward the sky.

I don't know why I'm panicking, being that Jungkook is joking. He has to be.

"Really?" I say, my voice squeezing.

Jesstina grumbles, leaning back toward the sofa, obviously displeased by Jungkook's choice. Nabi's eyes dart from Jungkook, to me, then back to Jungkook.

"Really," he says, staring at the camera as if testing his veracity against the tens of thousands of people who are watching—probably close to a hundred thousand now. "Someone asks if you and I are dating, Karma."

I clutch the trophy even harder, making indents into my palm.

And maybe it's because I feel a challenge—and I can't accept Jungkook just one-upping me like that. I glance at the camera nonchalantly, trying not to swallow. "Yeah. We are. Were you planning to tell them that too?"

The whole room goes quiet. Protocol team members who were busy glancing at their phones look up in stillness, and Kristine is trying to control a slack jaw.

Oh no. What have I done?

Nabi takes the lead, segueing us into what we think of our lesser known tracks—two that we haven't performed yet—"Ocean in the Park" and "Is He?" I try to follow along, laughing over my blunder.

Was it a blunder, or was it something that I've been wishing for but was never able to admit? And now—a hundred thousand people watched me make my indirect confession. I avoid Jungkook's gaze, trying to play it cool even as a cold sweat works its way down my neck and towards the bottom of my spine.

I've never imagined my first scandal coming so soon.

A/N: We have the Fates' first music show win!

And a scandal may be on the horizon? Honestly, if I had to do livestreams, I think I'd accidentally start a scandal all the time. So many people are watching, and it's a lot of pressure.

Do you have any favorite moments from BTS lives? I love Jin playing MapleStory—so iconic.