"O Sougo-chan, Sougo-chan. Wherefore art thou, Sougo-chan?" said Kagura in a flat voice.

She lounged on the floor of Sougo's dorm room with her bloated belly sticking out under her shirt. Bits of rice stuck on her chubby cheeks. An empty bowl laid in her hand and empty egg cartons piled up into a mountain behind her.

Kagura looked around the room. She never thought Sougo would live such a frugal lifestyle. She'd expect the other members of the Shinsengumi to follow all those rules, but she thought the sadist would at least have some porn magazines lying around.

It was a small place, but it didn't feel cramped since he had hardly any furniture: an old wardrobe stood in the corner, a bookcase stood by the far wall with thread-bound classic novels arranged in neat rows. The walls had hardly any posters or banners on them and the wooden floor was spotless. It seemed almost too tidy.

Sougo sat cross-legged on the floor beside a rice cooker and scooped another bowl of rice for Kagura. He bribed her with rice to do what he wanted, no better than those gangsters in the beginning of the anime. But nothing else mattered when there was food.

Sougo stared at her with his head tilted to the side. "Hey Chinagirl, did you really practice your lines? That wasn't romantic at all."

"Oi, I stayed up late memorizing this crap." Kagura yawned. "Deny thy father, refuse thy name. Or if thou will not, be but sworn my love, then I'll no longer be a Chinagirl!"

Sougo rubbed his chin as he studied her closely. "Something's missing... It's not..."

His mouth curled up into a sadistic grin. With one swift motion, he tied Kagura in rope and dangled her from the ceiling.

"...masochist enough."

Blue lines appeared over Kagura's forehead as her face twisted into a scowl.

"Let me go!" She screamed at him, popping a vein. "I don't want your dirty sadist germs! Let me go! Let me go!"

She swung back and forth, squirming as she tried to get free, but the ropes remained tight.

Sougo reached into the gap under the bookcase and took out a whip. He pulled it taut, before turning to face her. His mouth stretched into a thin smirk as he glared at Kagura with unblinking red eyes. 

"I'm trying to make this fanfic more popular with some forced lemon. Hold still."

He strolled over like a wolf approaching cornered prey, his footsteps coming closer... closer... He stopped behind her and held up his whip. The shadows hanged sinister over the darkest corners of his face and his eyes gleamed in ravenous hunger.

"No! No! Assault!" Kagura squirmed desperately in the bondage. "Red! Yellow! Green! Blue! Police! Police!"

Sougo paused and just stared at her, no longer smiling.

"Just break the rope, you stupid Yato." He sighed and stepped away.

He took his notepad from his pocket and crossed out Fifty Shades of Gray from his list along with Romeo and Juliette.

"If we want to win this Tournament, we have to figure out what type of love story we're in."

He stared at the next item on the list: The Fault in our Stars.

"A sick-lit romance." He glanced to Kagura. "We can at least do that one, can we?"

Kagura sat on the floor in a pile of broken ropes. She pouted as she rubbed her wrists. "Just find a new partner, you stupid sadist. There are so many characters in Gintama. Go torture someone else."

"The other pairings that I'm a part of aren't popular enough to win the Tournament." Sougo shrugged. "I don't have a lot of choices."

"Why don't you pair up with Gin-chan if you care so much about winning? That GinOki doujinshi called Rainman was pretty good."

Sougo shook his head. "You see, when two sadists become a couple, one of them will turn into a masochist, and Boss might be a bigger sadist than me."

"Then how about Nobume? OkiNobu is popular enough to be part of a love triangle with OkiKagu and her sadism is only equal to yours."

Sougo shook his head. "Tried calling her. She won't pick up the phone."

"Then why not be with your Gorilla Commander?"

Sougo shook his head. "I ship KondoTae."

"What about that Mayo Freak? You two already spend so much time together, yes?"

"Whoever pairs up with him will become a widow..." He stared ahead with eyes that gleamed like two puddles of fresh blood.

Footsteps came from the hallway outside.

Sougo turned his head to the door. "Speak of the devil..." He glanced to his wardrobe, then to his bookcase. "Narnia or secret chamber? Quick, choose one."

"Huh?"

"Too slow. Secret chamber then."

He got up and dashed over to the bookcase. He pushed in one of the books like a button. The bookcase swung open to reveal a dark hole in the wall the size of a closet.

Kagura stared at it, mouth open in astonishment.

"Oi, is that where you hide your porn?"

"Porn? Those are boring," said Sougo, busy tossing the egg cartons across the room into the chamber. "First-hand experiences are always better~."

Kagura squirmed and tried to punch him, but he kept her at distance. He tried to shove her inside, but she held on to the edge of the wall.

"Sadist!" She yelled with a scowl on her face. "Who do you think you are? Christian Gray?!! I'll never go into your playroom!! Never!!!"

"Just stay in there, got it? It'll be too much work if I got in trouble over some Shinsengumi Regulation." Sougo gave a final shove and Kagura fell into chamber.

He pushed the bookcase over the entrance just as the door to his room slid open.

Hijikata stood at the doorway with the sun at his back. He scanned the room with stern eyes and furrowed brows. Everything was quiet. Nothing seemed out of place.

Sougo stood with his back to Hijikata. He picked out a classic novel, The Fart of War, and started flipping through the pages. He leaned against the bookcase, reading his book as if he had nothing to worry about.

Hijikata narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Who's in your room? I heard voices."

"Hijikata-san~, you hear voices?" Sougo glanced up in concern. "Maybe the position of Vice-Commander is too much for you. Is your reflection in the mirror telling you to kill people? Do you see polka-dotted elephants walking around in a forest of Staphylococci bacteria? We can't have someone like that as Vice-Commander, am I right?"

"I'm not crazy! I swear you're keeping a woman in here. Commit seppuku for breaking the Shinsengumi Code!!"

"What's wrong with inviting girls over? Are we boy scouts or something?"

"Shut up!!" Hijikata barged into his room and started swinging open the wardrobe doors.

"Kondo-san! Kondo-san!" Sougo stuck his head out to the hallway. "Hijikata has lost his mind! He's hearing voices and attacking my furniture!"

Without warning, Hijikata grabbed Sougo by the collar of his shirt and dragged him inside. He threw him onto the floor with a crash. Sougo struggled to get free, but Hijikata held him down by the neck. Hijikata stuck his face so close that Sougo could feel the hot air coming from his flared nostrils. He glared down at Sougo with the threatening eyes of someone bigger and more powerful.

Sougo clenched his teeth and pried at the fingers over his throat. His eyes remained hidden in shadow.

"I'm telling you," Hijikata muttered in a dark voice. "You might think you can get away with everything, but one day you'll slip. When that day comes, I catch you breaking the Code just once and I'll give you the punishment you deserve."

The corners of Sougo's lips curled up. It was the grin he always had when he was up to no good.  He let go of Hijikata's hand and reached up to fix Hijikata's cravat so that it wasn't so close-fitting around his neck.

"Hijikata-san~, you shouldn't wear your scarf so tight. That's why you don't have a girl."

"I- I do have a girl." Hijikata's face turned red. "You'll see. When the Tournament starts, you'll see..."

Hijikata's gaze drifted across the floor. An innocent white speck sat between the cracks. He froze. The grain of rice that was stuck on the floorboards caught his attention. He released Sougo and made his way there.

Sougo pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his neck.

Hijikata crouched down and picked up the rice with tweezers as if handling important evidence.

A triumphant grin spread across his face and his eyes gleamed in delight. "What's this?"

Sougo glanced over Hijikata's shoulder. "I believe it's called a grain of rice."

"As I thought! It was you! You're the one who keeps stealing all the rice and eggs and paper bags from the kitchen."

"Paper bags?" Sougo tilted his head and round eyes. "Why would I steal that?"

"Stop playing innocent. Who else could it be?" Hijikata held the grain of rice in front of Sougo's face. "Look! I have evidence! Evidence! Commit seppuku now!"

Sougo bent over and rubbed his chin as he examined Hijikata's uniform.

"Hijikata-san~, there's some rice on your scarf."

"What?" Hijikata looked down to see that there was indeed a grain of rice stuck in the folds of his cravat. "That- That was from lunch. Nothing to do with this!"

Sougo pointed to Hijikata's evidence. "And that was from my lunch."

Hijikata stared at him. The corners of his mouth twitched.

His grin disappeared to be replaced by a look of irritation. "Then tell me why the rice is disappearing so quickly. There was enough to last a year in there."

Sougo shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe some rats ate it."

"Rats don't eat that much, you idiot."

"I know a rat who eats that much," said Sougo with a shrug. "The mayonnaise keeps disappearing. We should catch the rat who keeps eating it."

At those words, Hijikata's face lost color. His mouth stretched into a flat line. (-___-)

"I- I'll catch the rat," said Hijikata, sweat dripping down his face. "Don't- Don't worry 'bout it. I'll catch it..."

He turned and left with quick steps. The First Captain was truly terrifying.

Sougo watched him disappear down the hall. He slid his door shut.

"Come out, Chinagirl. When did you learn to stay quiet for so long?"

The bookcase swung open with a creak, but Kagura just stood at the entrance. She didn't take a single step.

Kagura stared at him with her mouth twisted in disbelief. Her cheek wouldn't stop twitching. She pointed with her trembling hand into the darkness of the secret chamber.

Row after row of every kind of torture instrument hanged on the cold damp walls. There appeared to be more than a hundred items.

"It's my collection," said Sougo, simply stating a fact. "I'm a sadist."

"W-What- What the hell do you do with those?"

Sougo shrugged. "Nothing worth mentioning."

***

The Evil Koala is still hungry for votes and comments.

Next time: The Yorozuya finally gets a customer...