The day started early at the Shinsengumi Headquarters. The policemen stood in orderly rows in the courtyard, swinging their swords under the morning sun. Beads of sweat glimmered on their faces, dripping onto the gravel, as they slashed downwards again and again in unison.

Hijikata supervised his men with eyes that missed not a single detail. If anyone dared to slack off under his watch, that was seppuku.

Kondo was absent as usual. He was busy training in solitude. The regular exercises weren't enough for their Commander. He was meditating under a waterfall... was what Hijikata wanted everyone to believe.

Sougo stood in the first row. He swung his sword up and down in mechanical movements like a robot. He wore his red eye mask with wide-open eyes printed on it as if that could trick anyone into thinking he was awake. A bubble grew and shrunk from his nose as he snored.

Hijikata had already given up on scolding him for dozing off. It actually amazed him how much this lazy First Squad Captain could do in his sleep.

Hijikata surveyed the faces of his men and furrowed his brows. He had a feeling someone was missing. They all had swords. No badminton rackets.

"Where's Yamazaki?" said Hijikata in a gruff voice. "Don't tell me he's still in bed. He better commit seppuku for sleeping in."

Sougo stopped in the middle of a swing and flipped up his eye mask.

"He's sick."

"Sick or not, that's no excuse to skip morning exercise."

Hijikata stormed off towards Yamazaki's room, surrounded by dark angry fumes. Sougo sighed and followed him to the dormitories.

They stopped in front of closed shoji doors.

Hijikata threw the doors open without even knocking. He stomped into the dimly lit room.

Yamazaki was lying under his covers, curled up into a ball. He didn't move.

Hijikata froze mid-step and flinched. His gaze drifted to the side and his face turned pale. Beads of sweat started dripping down his forehead.

The four walls that surrounded him were completely covered in writing. The words, scribbled in dripping ink, spun around him like a demonic spell.

Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tama Tam—

"KYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Hijikata let out a high-pitched scream.

He dashed outside and slammed the door shut. He wrapped the doorway in police tape as if it could be used to seal evil spirits.

"G-G-G-Ghost... He's possessed by ghosts..."

Hijikata pushed Sougo to the door for the ghosts to have him instead, and ran off without looking back.

Sougo stood, not moving from the spot, just staring at the door. The shadows hanged over an indiscernible expression on his face.

A muffled cough escaped his throat as he slumped down by the doorway. He popped a piece of bubble-gum into his mouth and blew a bubble.

[Source: https://www.zerochan.net/1778604]

Sobbing sounds came from the room. He said nothing, just listened to Yamazaki cry.

"Why? Why did I have to be born a minor character?" said Yamazaki between sniffles. "Why couldn't I be badass like the man she chose? I'm not good enough... I'm not good enough for you... Tama..."

Sougo raised his head to gaze at the white clouds floating in the sky. A smile of satisfaction stretched across his face. The sadist basked in pain and suffering like a plant that needed sunlight.

[Source: https://www.zerochan.net/883551]

"They still sell robot maids in the black market if you like them that much," said the one who started the YamaTama pairing. "They even have ones that make sounds when you insert a stick into them... I mean a USB stick~."

"But that's not Tama... Only Tama is Tama."

***

Shinpachi sat on the couch in the Yorozuya office. He rubbed his fingers against his temples with his eyes squeezed shut and brows furrowed in concentration.

"Shinpachi to Otsuu-chan, Shinpachi to Otsuu-chan... Can you hear me? Over." Shinpachi said to himself. "You'll be my partner, right? You'll pair with me for the Tournament, right?"

Kagura lounged on the opposite couch. She narrowed her eyes at him.

Shinpachi had a silver frame and thick lenses, but he was otherwise an unremarkable pair of glasses that didn't require any more description.

"Oi, you don't need a partner," said Kagura. "You're already a pair of glasses, yes?"

"Quiet!" said Shinpachi without moving from his posture. "The telepathy signal is really weak in here. Otsuu-chan... Otsuu-chan... Can you hear me? Over."

A vein popped on Kagura's forehead. She picked up the remote and turned on the TV, making sure to turn the volume up to the highest. A celebrity interview appeared on the screen.

"So, Otsuu-chan," said the host of the show. "I hear you're going to participate in a new variety show to promote your album."

Shinpachi's eyes opened wide. He dashed in front of the TV and sat so close that his nose pressed against the screen.

Otsuu was the guest star of the show. She sat on a stool, smiling with her usual cheerfulness.

"That's right. It's the Awesomely Amazing Gintama Shipping Tournament, fortune cookie of death. I'm pairing up with my producer Tsunpo, necromancer!"

Shinpachi's face lost its color at those words. His cheeks became sunken and his eyes became hollow. Everything around him became enveloped in dark clouds.

"Nooooooo!! Otsuu-chan!" Shinpachi banged his head on the screen. "Didn't you get my message? Didn't we agree to be together? How could you chose that guy over me? How could you? How could you?!!!"

"Oi Glasses, are you having trouble seeing?" Kagura looked down at him with a condescending grin. "You should get new glasses, yes?"

Shinpachi froze. He got back on his feet and pushed up his glasses. His face became serious.

"You're right..." He stared at the ground. "Maybe I need to start seeing what's real and what's not... Maybe it's time to appreciate what's right in front of me... instead of chasing after a fantasy..."

Shinpachi raised his eyes to stare into the camera. His glasses glimmered like two pools of clear water.

"You'll be my partner won't you, (y/n)?"  

Kagura looked at him with hooded eyes.

"So Your Name is second choice, huh? That's why you're so unpopular with readers, only eighth place in the polls...tsk tsk..." She shook her head in disdain.

"Otsuu-chan didn't count! It's two different things! I'll— I'll make up for it. I'll do a good job, so it won't matter if My Name is first choice or second choice."

"But you're just a pair of Glasses, yes? Do you even know how to seduce anyone? You'll have to do something like this:"

Kagura twirled around, tossing sparkles everywhere.

"Hooooyyyyyyyyyy!!!" She gave a long battle cry.

She pointed to you with her hands like pistols and shot straight into your heart. "Bang! Bang!"

As if shot by bullets, your chest hurt like it was about to explode. You could feel your heart pounding against your ribcage, threatening to break free.

Kagura held a cool pose and blew at the smoke coming from her fingertips.

She turned to Shinpachi, arms crossed and grinning. "If you can't even do that, there's no way you could seduce (yes/no)."

Shinpachi paused in thought. He pushed up his glasses. His face became serious.

"Then is this okay?"

Shinpachi leaned back on the couch. He puckered his lips in an attempt to look tough, but he was still dressed in his usual exercise-jacket-hakama with the wide pant legs and blue stripes running down his sleeves. He sat with his legs spread apart and his arms slung over the backrest. He raised his chin, looking down at you through half lidded eyes.

His glasses glared in the light, making it impossible for you to see what he was really thinking. He wiggled a finger at you.

"Come 'ere, little bunny. Or this big bad wolf will eat you."

Kagura's stared at him, frozen with a vacant expression. The silence lingered for a second that seemed much longer.

"Pft...!" Her face twisted.

She doubled over, laughing at him like a hyena until her voice became hoarse. She gasped for breath, but couldn't stop laughing.

"W–What's so funny?" Shinpachi furrowed his brows. His face glowed bright red. "I was really trying..."

"You keep that up, you're gonna be reeeally popular..." said Kagura between laughs. "...as a comic relief character."

***

Sadaharu stared at his plate with his chin resting on his paws. He whimpered with sad watery eyes.

A lonely dog kibble sat on the center of his plate, a tiny kibble for a big white dog the size of the couch. There was one for him, one for Gintoki and one for Kagura. They all sat around the coffee table, staring at their lunch.

"Better than nothing." Gintoki plopped his kibble into his mouth. "We haven't gotten any job requests since this fanfic started, so this is all we have again."

He picked up his Jump Magazine and laid down on the couch, burying his face in the pages.

Shinpachi stared at his plate. It was so clean that it sparkled. It had not a single speck of food, not even a kibble.

"Wait! What about me?" Shinpachi screamed in disbelief. "Why's my plate the only one empty?"

"Glasses don't need to eat, yes? I mean do glasses even have mouths? But then how do they talk?" Kagura rubbed her chin, deep in thought.

"Telepathy," said Gintoki as if stating an obvious fact.

"What? Stop calling me a pair of glasses! I'm a person! A living, breathing person!"

"Look, Gin-chan!" said Kagura with round eyes. "The glasses are wearing a person."

Gintoki nodded as he flipped through the pages.

"Gahhhh!!! How many times do I have to tell you? My glasses are not wearing me! I'm wearing my glasses!" Shinpachi threw his arms into the air. "I don't care anymore! Just give me food! I'm dying from hunger! Food... Food..."

Gintoki glanced over from his Jump Magazine. "Don't you have food at home?"

"You think I can eat my sister's cooking? And I don't even get allowance 'cause you're supposed to be paying me, but she won't even believe me when I told her—"

Kagura pushed her plate in front of Shinpachi.

Shinpachi stared at the kibble, still untouched.

Both Shinpachi's and Gintoki's jaws fell open until their chins hit the table. Their eyes bulged and their faces lost color as they stared at her in horror.

"Y-Y-You're not eating?!!!" said Gintoki, trembling from head to toe in cold sweat. "Kagura's not eating... The world's gonna end..."

Kagura got up and headed to the door.

"I'm going out. You won't eat any egg-on-rice while I'm gone, yes?" She glanced back with a sweet smile.

She headed outside with her purple umbrella slung over her shoulder, humming a cheerful tune.

The shoji doors slid shut.

Shinpachi turned to Gintoki with blushing cheeks. "You think Kagura-chan might be, um, you know... in love with Okita-san? She's meeting him every day in such a good mood."

"She's growing up." Gintoki shrugged, still a bit shaken. "That must be why she's not eating. That must be why I keep hearing her recite Shakespeare in the middle of the night. Must be the effects of love... Yes, that must be it..."

***

Kagura walked down the streets of Edo, twirling her umbrella with a bright smile on her face.

She greeted all the strangers that she passed by: two ladies out on a stroll, a man with a paper bag over his head, and a round-eyed Amanto with two antennae.

The air seemed warmer, the sky clearer, and the flowers more colorful. She walked with a bounce to her steps.

The words that Sougo had whispered to her ears that day still made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. Whenever she missed Mami and Papi, whenever Glasses annoyed her with his weirdness, those words would always make her smile again. Sougo made a promise that day, the greatest promise anyone had ever made to her.

She stopped at the back gates of the Shinsengumi Headquarters. His words echoed in her ears.

"All-you-can-eat egg-on-rice every day... Are we good?"

***

Character Complaint Corner

Author: Hi everyone~! For the sake of the human rights of characters, I will be hosting a Character Complaint Corner where characters can voice their concerns about anything they disagree with when it comes to the direction of the plot or about how they are portrayed in this fanfic. I will then judge whether or not the complaint is valid. The complainant this time is Sakata Gintoki. Gintoki, what do you have to say?

Gintoki: Oi, stop making me read Jump all the time. That's all I've been doing so far in this fanfic. I do other things, y'know? The anime isn't:

Benizakura Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Shinsengumi Crisis Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Yoshiwara Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Shogun Assassination Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Farewell Shinsegumi Arc: Gintoki read Jump

Final Arc: Gintoki read Jump

So give me some proper scenes!!

Author: Ah, I see... But isn't that what you do when there aren't any job requests and you're not busy fighting bad guys? Well... okay, I guess you do do other things. I guess I was writing a very limited portrayal of a character who is way more complex than that, so this complaint is... (drumroll)... VALID! I won't make you read Jump ever again in future chapters.

***

Votes... Comments... Food...

Next time: Kagura's in Sougo's room, ooooh~~! An unwanted intruder interrupts them.