Rays of golden light shined through the window blinds into the Odd Jobs office and the dust floated in the warm stagnant air.

A banner hanged on the wall. It read: Sugar Content, written in expressive ink calligraphy.

Gintoki sat with his feet on his desk. Blue patterns swirled on his white robes, and his head of silver hair was a permanent mess. He picked his nose as he stared engrossed with his Shounen Jump magazine.

Kagura flopped down on the couch, dressed in her usual red china-shirt and sweatpants. She kept her hair in two buns on both sides of her head covered by Zunboran penis sheaths. Those were her hair accessories.

"Gin-chan! Did you hear about the Tournament?"

"A tournament? Oh, that one?" Gintoki glanced to the invitation card sitting in the dustbin.

Kagura tilted her head. "What? You're not going?"

Gintoki put down his manga and sat up straight. He stared at Kagura with an air of seriousness like a teacher ready to give a lecture.

"Gura, you might be young and naïve, but there are bad guys out there who will trick you for your money," said Gintoki, as if speaking from personal experience. "Never trust a koala in a suit. They'll lure you in with a prize like a chance to become the main character. Then they'll make you pay a huge sum of money to participate and make you buy stuff that are overpriced. And when it's finally time for the tournament, they'll disappear. They'll run off with your money and you're never gonna get it back."

"Oi, I'm not you. I'm not gonna fall for something as sketchy as that."

Gintoki returned to his manga. "That's what they all say before they-"

The TV turned on by itself with a static zap. They both turned and stared at the screen.

"No! It's not a scam, I guarantee you!" said a voice from the TV.

A person with a koala head popped up on the screen, dressed in a black suit and tie.

Gintoki walked over and banged on the sides of the TV. "Oi, the TV's broken again. We just got it fixed."

Kagura pressed franticly on the remote control. "Huh? The remote isn't working either."

"It's no use. I'm not a part of this TV," said the koala. "I am the Author and I came here to speak to you about the Tournament."

"Gin-chan, is the bad guy talking to us?"

Gintoki narrowed his eyes at the screen. "There are times it might look that way, but don't be fooled. The people in the TV can't actually see or hear you."

"I can hear you."

"Hmm, this is really realistic." Gintoki rubbed his chin as he stared close enough to almost touch the glass. "What show is this?"

"I'm not a TV show, okay?!" The Author waved her arms in frustration. "I said I'm here to talk about the Tournament! I sent out invitations to characters in Gintama for the Awesomely Amazing Gintama Shipping Tournament, so take the next few chapters to find partners and when Round 1 starts, we'll meet at Café Hobo. The address is on the card. Any questions?"

Gintoki raise a hand with a bored look on his face. "Yeah, if you're really the Author, what's up with the name of this arc? It's misleading the readers. The XXX arc... that sounds like some kind of R-rated porno. That not what this is, right? I mean so far it's clean, but it's not gonna roll around in a pile of poop after a few scenes, right?"

"Ah, about that. Since this arc will be about the events leading up to the Shipping Tournament, 'XXX' means: a certain character X x another character X, like Sougo x Kagura or Gintoki x Hijikata. The first and last X's are variables that take character names as values... Get it?"

Kagura stared ahead with bright round eyes. She blinked.

Gintoki picked his nose with a dumb look on his face.

The Author curled up into a ball. Dark clouds of dejection hanged over her. "I thought it sounded cool..."

"Oi, Bad Guy, I have a question." Kagura stretched her arms towards a small red box of pickled seaweed on the far side of the coffee table. "Can you pass me the sukonbu? It's too far."

"No! Get it yourself!" A vein popped on the Author's forehead. "Any questions about the Tournament?"

"What if I don't wanna participate?" said Gintoki. "I'm too busy reading manga, y'know?"

"You don't have to participate. You'll just lose your place as main character."

Gintoki shrugged. "Everyone wants to be the main character for some reason, but it's overrated. It's like being a magnet that attracts all the strongest villains, and everything bad that happens in the story happens around you."

"I see... You do have a point..." The Author paused in contemplation. "Well, if there are no more questions... Round 1 starts in Lesson 18, so see you then! Cheers!"

The Author did a pirouette and the TV turned off by itself.

"See, it's not a scam," said Kagura, munching on her sukonbu. "You're not pairing up with Tsukki or Mayora or that one-eyed person, yes?"

Sougo had told her earlier to make sure that Gintoki didn't pair up with Tsukuyo, Hijikata or Takasugi, as those were the only pairings that could rival OkiKagu in popularity and threaten their chances at winning the Tournament.

"What? Why would I pair up with an amazon, a mayo freak or a psychopath?" Gintoki shuddered when he remembered all those fanfics where he paired up with one of them. "It's just a fanfic... Just a bad dream..."

"But it's different this time, yes? We got this far without running into that Mary Sue OC who keeps hogging the spotlight when I'm supposed to be the heroine."

"Who knows? I mean there's gonna be some OCs coming in sooner or later." Gintoki shrugged. "Guess we should just enjoy it while we're here."

"I wanna have all-you-can-eat egg-on-rice and sukonbu every day in this fanfic," said Kagura with a bright smile. "Can I? Can I?"

Gintoki paused in thought and rubbed his chin. "Maybe... maybe this is my chance..." A blush appeared on his cheeks. "I'm pairing up with Ketsuno Ana! There'd finally be a Gintoki x Ketsuno Ana fanfic-"

Before he could even finish his sentence, a portal from the demon world opened up beside him. Dark fumes swirled around the portal. A dark atmosphere filled the room.

Gedoumaru stepped out.

She had pale skin and an innocent face. Two small horns protruded from her head.

"I already made a pact with her," she said in a humourless voice. "My master is pairing with me."

Gintoki glanced down at her.

Gedoumaru stared up at him with unyielding red eyes. She looked like a little girl, but she carried a huge iron club on her back like it weighed nothing.

Gintoki shrugged. "Oh well. Maybe next time. Maybe in another fanfic. I mean, there's bound to be one about me and Ketsuno Ana, right? Right?"

Crickets chirped.

"Someone hurry up and write one!!" Gintoki screamed into the camera.

"And don't forget to add lots of bad sex scenes!" said Kagura with a lewd grin.

Gedoumaru stared into the camera and spoke in a calm but sinister voice. "If you write something dirty about my Master, I'll grind your bones to dust and turn your skin into a leather jacket."

Without another word, Gedoumaru turned and stepped back into the portal. She vanished into another dimension.

Kagura laughed at Gintoki. "Now there'd never be a fanfic- Wait, look! It's actually on fanfiction.net, but there's only... three."

Kagura smirked at his misfortune.

Gintoki slumped into his chair. He raised his head back and stared at the ceiling with dead fish eyes. "If I can't be with Ketsuno Ana, I guess there's really no point in going to that Tournament."

"Don't worry!!! You still have meeee~~"

Sacchan sprang out from the closet in a flurry of long purple hair. She held out her arms, ready to pounce on Gintoki.

Gintoki held up his fist as she flew towards him. He didn't punch her. She simply smacked her face against his fist. A crack formed on her red-framed glasses.

Sacchan screeched in ecstasy as blood gushed from her nose. She rolled around on the floor. "Pair with me! Pair with me! I know you want me. Cu'mon, pair with me!"

"Shut up!" Gintoki snapped at her. "No way in hell I'd pair up with you, you perverted pig!"

"Ahhhhhhhh~" Sacchan squealed in delight. "More! More! Give me moaaarr~~"

Gintoki sat with his hands over his ears as he tried to concentrate on his manga.

Before he could even finish reading a page, the shoji doors slid open. Tama stood at the entrance, silhouetted by the morning light. She dressed in a maid's uniform and wore her green hair in a long thin braid. It might have been just the sunlight but there was a human-like warmth behind her robotic eyes.

Tama stepped inside. She glanced down at Sacchan, head tilted, perplexed by the strange creature.

Sacchan rolled across the room making noises. Tama stepped past her, unable to understand the sinful ways of the world. She ignored her as she made her way to Gintoki.

"Gintoki-sama," she said in a soft voice. "I have come to collect the rent."

"Hmm?" Gintoki glanced up from his Jump Magazine. "Tell that Baba the pachinko machines ate it."

Sacchan slid out from under Gintoki's desk.

"What's taking you so long?" said Sacchan with a blush. "Don't be shy. Just pair with me~~ Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

Sacchan waved her arms and chanted.

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

"Pair with me!"

"Let's be one!"

Gintoki slammed his hands on his desk. "That's it! I'm pairing up with Tama! Leave me alone!"

Sacchan froze. She stood up on her feet, no longer smiling.

She faced Gintoki, her eyes concealed behind the glare of her glasses. "I see... so that's how it is..."

She bit her lips, but couldn't hold back her tears. Her face scrunched up and her cheeks flushed red.

She stared at Gintoki with watery eyes on the verge of bursting. Her voice wavered as she yelled at him. "Does it give you that much pleasure to play with a girl's heart?"

Without waiting for an answer, she spun around. She ran out the door, bawling.

"Gin-chan, you're so mean." Kagura watched with an amused grin. "You made a girl cry."

Gintoki said nothing and returned to reading his manga.

Tama stood in front of his desk, waiting with an innocent expression.

"Gintoki-sama, what does it mean to be one?"

Gintoki turned a page, silent for a few seconds. He didn't look up.

"It means you're not two or three or a-hundred-and-twenty-six."

"Am I one?"

"Nope, you're an egg-cracker."

***

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Next time: Gintoki's pairing up with Tama?! What about Yamazaki? Also, what promise did Sougo make to Kagura back in Lesson 1?