The sun rose over the Kabuki district and washed the rooftops in glowing orange. The neon lights of the nightclubs had faded, but the crowds of the marketplace had not yet woken. For a brief sliver of time, the streets were silent.

Sougo stood on the roof of a rundown building with his hand resting on the hilt of the katana at his waist. His Shinsengumi uniform fluttered behind him, a black silk vest and jacket lined with gold trim.

In one year, the people of Edo had rebuilt their city from the ruins, every shiny skyscraper and every dirty alleyway. It was as it had always been, as if nothing had happened. But then again, everything always goes back to normal in Gintama.  

Kagura pulled herself up the stairs, still dressed in her pink pajamas. Her hair, the color of candy apple, stuck up in places like a bird's nest. She stepped onto the roof and rubbed her eyes.

"What d'you want, sadist?" She squinted at Sougo's back. "You call me all the way out here, you better have something good to say, yes?"

"Do you remember?" said Sougo without turning around. "It was in this building that we pooped and barfed side by side in the Rokkaku Arc."

Kagura let out a long yawn, but Sougo continued. His voice sounded monotone as if his voice actor had forgotten how to act.

"Ever since that time— No, long before that. Ever since that day when we played rock paper scissors under the cherry blossoms, I've always... I've always..."

A gust of wind rattled the metal railings. His mouse brown hair became slightly messy in the breeze.

"I have never known another girl as strong and kind and beautiful." Sougo flipped through the pages of his script. "And this and that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

"Oi, why you being so OOC?" Kagura picked her nose with an annoyed look on her face. "You're just acting like that 'cause we're in a fanfic, yes?"

"No, that's not it."

Sougo spun around to face her with a smile as warm as the morning sun. His eyes gleamed without a hint of malice, as close to innocent as red eyes could be. He seemed almost childlike. It was hard to believe that the soul of a sadist could exist behind such an angelic face.

"China— Kagura-chan~, is it too late for me to tell you?" He held out his hand to her. "I have always loved you."

He appeared to sparkle under the golden light as the dewdrops sparkled on the sparkly sparkly roses in the background.

Kagura bent forward and puked.

Sougo stared at his hand, covered in mosaic. His face remained a mask of calmness. He only raised his brows a little.

He patted her on the back as he'd seen people do to help someone who was vomiting.

"You okay? You okay, now?" he said as he wiped his hand on her clothes.

Kagura stepped away from him. The sadist who had never said a kind word to her was being nice all of a sudden. Either the Author sucked at writing in character, or...

She narrowed her eyes at Sougo in suspicion.

"Who are you, huh? There's no way you're that sadist." She glared at him, her lips puckered like a gangster. "Did your voice actor pick up the wrong script, or something?"

"I don't have a voice actor," said Sougo dryly. "We're in a fanfic."  

"Then is this some kind of Soul Switch Arc? Don't tell me you're that pedo-feminist in disguise. Did you get bored of pretending to be that angsty one-eyed guy and became a Super Sadist?"

Kagura pulled at his cheeks, trying to rip off the disguise he had to be wearing.

Sougo pushed Kagura away with his palm over her face.

"That's strange," he muttered to himself. "You should be signing a contract to be my girlfriend by now. Maybe this doesn't work on idiots."

He took out a book from his coat pocket, titled: Kyoushirou's Guide to Becoming a Host

The best host in the Kabuki district had told him if he followed the instructions in this book, he should be able to get any girl to date him. He needed Kagura to be his girlfriend, whether through this method or any other.

He flipped to a page that had a photo of a blonde-haired young man kneeling down and offering a rose to a woman.

Sougo plucked a red rose from the background, because good-looking anime guys always had roses in the background. He knelt down on one knee and offered Kagura the flower.

"My Lady, please accept this rose as a token of my— Oh, forget it."

He tossed the book off the roof.

Kagura looked down at him in condescending pity.

"So Gori-chan fired you and you're a host now, yes?" She relished his misfortune with a smug smile on her face.

"Like hell that could happen." Sougo searched through his pockets, flipping them inside out. "Where did I put that?"

His sleeping mask, handcuffs and a stick of bubble-gum tumbled into a pile on the ground along with a sausage, some hand-grenades and his Shinsengumi bazooka. He kept searching. He dug deeper into his bottomless coat pocket until he found a folded card.

"There it is. Did you get this in your mail?" He showed it to Kagura. "Have a look, Chinagirl."

Kagura read the flowing script on the cardstock. "Invitation to the Awesomely Amazing Gintama Shipping Tournament?"

"Yeah, it's kinda like a popularity contest, but for couples," said Sougo. "Anime fans like to pair the characters up and write about the stuff they do to each other. You know, this and that."

"Huuuuh?!" Kagura's mouth twisted in disgust. "I'll never do this or that with you! Never!! Why do all those Readers think I actually like this sadist?"

"It doesn't matter if we like each other or not," said Sougo with a shrug. "There are tons of couples who don't love each other, but they still stay together for all sorts of reasons."

"I'm an innocent and naive romance heroine." Kagura pouted. "I believe in love!"

Sougo scoffed at her, unconvinced. "I just need a partner for the Tournament. The winning pair gets to become the main characters of this novel, you know? I'm usually second or third in the polls, and you're the most popular female character. If we team up, I'm sure we'll win."

Sougo sat on the railing. The sky stretched behind him, far and wide. "It's about time Boss stopped hogging all the glory. He's already the hero in the canon. This one belongs to me." His eyes gleamed in lust for power. "We'll build an empire of OkiKagu fanfiction and all will bow at my feet!"

Sougo turned to Kagura and grinned like a megalomaniac. "Plus, I get to play with a girl."

Kagura charged forward to punch him in the face, but her fist only met air.

Sougo hanged upside-down from the railing by his legs. He remained pokerfaced despite dangling ten storeys off the ground. He blinked as he stared at the city from a new angle.

"You called me out here just for this?" Kagura yanked him up by his coatcollar and shook her fist at him. "No way I'm pairing with you, Bakaiser! Go play with Sacchan or something."

Kagura stormed off towards the staircase. "I'm going home!"

Before she could take more than a few steps, Sougo grabbed her wrist.

Kagura glanced back, more annoyed than surprised.

Sougo stood, eyes hidden in the darkness under his bangs. His shadow stretched long and narrow. He wasn't smiling anymore.

Without warning, he pinned her against the brick wall.

Kagura narrowed her eyes at him. "Oi, what are you trying to pull?"

Sougo leaned close until his face filled her vision. His bangs parted to reveal his eyes, his scarlet orbicular orby orbs that betrayed none of his thoughts or plans. He gave a slight smile, but his gaze bore into her.

"It's too bad we're not always out of character in this fanfic," said Sougo in a cold voice. "You think you can just go home after all the work I did to act like a good guy and give that stupid love confession?"

Kagura smiled with spite. "You're kinda out of character right now, yes?"

Sougo's expression remained serious. He let out a sigh. "Guess there's no avoiding it."

He leaned forward. His mouth parted.

Kagura stared at his soft lips. Her heart pounded but she stood frozen. His face was so close that she could feel the heat of his breath. She could smell his scent. He reeked of blood and gunpowder.

Her mouth twisted in revulsion as a thought ran through her head. He's gonna kiss me!

"Don't worry, I'm not trying steal your first kiss..." Sougo smirked. "For now."

Kagura scowled at him. "Ugh, your breath smells like gorilla butt."

She wanted to punch that smug look off his face.

Sougo tilted his head to the side and whispered something into her ear. His lips brushed against her skin. It tickled.

His voice sounded like dried leaves rustled by the wind.

"Ehhhhhhhhhh?!!!!" Kagura's jaw dropped to the ground at what he told her.

She squirmed to free herself. Sougo let go and held up his hands in surrender.

The words she just heard raced through her mind. No one had ever said anything like that to her in all sixteen years of her life.

She stared at him, brows furrowed in doubt. He had to be lying, but he showed no signs of it. If his words were true, if he meant what he said, she didn't mind being his partner for the Tournament. It was just one little tournament.

"Okay, fine. If you like me that much..." Kagura pouted. "It's a promise, yes?"

***

Please feed the Evil Koala with some votes and comments!

Next time: Out of all the characters Gintoki might pair up with, who does he end up choosing?