Live-Action Special - The title is too long, maximum length is 80 characters.

Stupid Wattpad... The title was supposed to be:

Live-Action Special – The director of the new Gintama live action movie is also known for directing "The Hero Yoshihiko and Demon King's Castle", an epic fantasy TV series... yup, it's long

The forces of Light and Dark had battled for dominance since the beginning of time.

The Light didn't like the Darkness because the Darkness didn't like the Light, and the Darkness didn't like the Light because it didn't have sunglasses. I mean, it really sucks to have light shining so brightly into your eyes that you couldn't keep them open.

Most of the universe had fallen to the Darkness, but there was one place still ruled by Light, a blue glimmer in a sea of black, home to humans, koalas, trolls and hobos.

Eons had passed under the ceaseless barrage of Darkness. The Light could no longer defend its stronghold, for it had been corrupted by the shadows. A disease had set in on the world, raising the temperature to feverish heights and melting the polar ice caps.

All seemed lost until the Chosen One was born. It was from a tiny village, known only as Colby Village, where the first spark of hope would spread like wildfire. The Heavens had sent a message in the form of the Beckoning Sword.  ̶W̶h̶o̶m̶e̶v̶e̶r̶  Whoever could draw the blade from the stone would gain the invincibility of the Chosen One and be shielded by the most powerful plot-armor in the universe.

The Darkness, in an attempt to stop the forces of destiny, cursed the village to be plagued by a devastating illness. Still, there was hope in the depths of despair, for an ancient prophecy had foretold that the Chosen One would find a cure and save Colby Village before it was too late.

"...so someone pull out this stupid sword and go buy some medicine," Village Elder Hijikata finished explaining.

He looked across the blank faces of the villagers lined up before the Sword in the Stone. They formed a perfectly straight line despite their grumbling, because those who stood out of line had already committed seppuku.

The villagers tried pulling out the sword one by one, but so far, no one had succeeded. A bead of sweat dripped down Hijikata's forehead as the line only got shorter. Could the prophecy be wrong? Were they doomed?

His eyes lit up when he saw the well-muscled arms of next person in line.

"You look strong enough."

A silver-haired villager stood before him, staring at the sword with dead-fish eyes.

Villager Gintoki wrapped his fingers around the hilt of the Beckoning Sword. He just stood there. The sword didn't budge.

"Are you even trying?!" Hijikata screamed at him.

"Why are we even doing this?" said Gintoki. "Isn't this chapter here to celebrate the new Gintama live action movie? We're doing a parody of the wrong show!"

"The Author can't write about the movie 'til it gets pirated," said Hijikata. "Now hurry up and draw the sword!"

"Nah, I don't feel like it." Gintoki let go of the sword. "Someone else get the medicine. I'm too busy reading my... Shounen Jump magazine."

He turned around and strolled away.

"Hey! Get back here! If everyone waited for someone else, no one would get the medicine and we'll all die!"

Hijikata paused and noticed all the villagers staring at him, waiting eagerly for him to pull out the sword himself.

"What? Why you all looking at me? I'm not gonna do it. I'm the Village Elder. We can't keep going with this diffusion of responsibility. Someone go get the medicine! Someone!!"

Without warning, a brilliant white light flashed before him, signalling the birth of the Chosen One. Hijikata shielded his eyes and squinted in the blinding light to see who could have drawn the sword.

A blade flew towards him, the glowing blade of the Beckoning Sword itself, aiming straight for his throat. Hijikata let out a cry of shock and ducked for cover.

When the light dimmed down, Hijikata saw that the hero of this story was a young man named Yoshihiko. Like every hero in a cliché fantasy story, he was a village boy— except this hero had rather villainous red eyes and an even more evil-looking smile.

"Oops. My hand slipped."

"You trying to kill me, Yoshihiko?! Stay in character!"

"I'd be out of character if I didn't try to kill you."

Yoshihiko charged at Hijikata and swung his sword. He chased him in circles around the stone.

"Cut!" Hijikata screamed. "Cut! Cut!!!"

"I'm trying." Yoshihiko slashed at Hijikata. "Now if you would just stay still..."

"Not me!! Cut the filming!"

"Okay, cut!" The Author stepped into the film set and clapped her hands. "Good job, everyone. That scene was perfect."

Yoshihiko's actor pouted in disappointment at having failed his surprise attack.

"Who brought the stage props? A real sword?!!" Hijikata yelled in anger. "I could have died there!"

"But it's more realistic with a real sword," said the Author. "And stories have more realism when they're more realistic."

Shinpachi the Set Assistant was busy in the background tidying the props used in the scene. He gathered up all the fake trees with branches made of plastic and leaves made of cloth.

"Director Author, where should we put all of these?"

"Ah, the fake trees? They could go over there." The Author pointed to the film set for the next scene

One of the thicker trees started moving by itself. It turned around to reveal a madao wearing expensive sunglasses, dressed in a tree costume. Madao the Tree stood waiting for instructions.

"You could go there too," said the Author, before moving on to direct the next scene.

***

Scene 2

Lights!

Camera!

Action!

After having gathered a band of comrades for his quest, Yoshihiko the Chosen One traveled along a sunny path through the countryside. His quest was not only to find the medicine, but to find his father who had set out to find the medicine before him and never came back.

Like many novels in the fantasy/adventure genre, the hero's sidekicks consisted of a macho guy, a magical person, and a girl.

"Oi, do you really know where you're going?" said Murasaki the Girl.

Murasaki had puffy silver hair tied up into two pigtails. Her pet bird sat on her shoulder.

"Nope, I don't," said Yoshihiko the Chosen One without concern as he kept walking.

"Don't worry," said Merebu the Mage. "If we keep walking, we'll run into something eventually. It'd be a very boring story if we never found anything."

Merebu was a jolly old man who wore goggles over his eyes.

"Grrrr..." said Danjo the Macho Guy.

Danjo had vermillion hair and narrowed, tough-looking eyes.

They didn't travel for long when they saw a man standing by the side of the road.

"Oi, are you a bad guy?" Danjo the Macho Guy held up his umbrella, ready for battle.

The man stood behind a large basket of herbs. He was of average height and rather slim, dressed in an ordinary peasant's tunic that didn't stand out. He looked completely normal. Oh, and he also wore a paper bag over his head with two holes cut out for eyes.

"..." Yoshihiko the Chosen One stared at him, eyes hooded in annoyance. He looked not the slightest bit surprised.

The Paperbag Man turned his head and saw them. His eyes softened into a smile.

"My son~~!" the Paperbag Man called out in joy. "How long has it been? You've grown so big!"

"He's your dad?!!!" Danjo the Macho Guy yelled in astonishment, having forgotten to stay in character.

Yoshihiko the Chosen One ignored both of them. He pointed to the basket of herbs and asked in a flat voice. "Is that the medicine?"

"Ah, yes it is." The Paperbag Man let out a nervous chuckle. "I found the medicine, but lost my way home, you see... And then I met a woman and fell in love with her. You can take the medicine, but I won't be going back to the village with you. I'm sorry, my little fox."

Murasaki the Girl started picking her nose. "We got the medicine... we found your dad... Then we're done the quest?"

"Well, that was anticlimactic." Yoshihiko the Chosen One shrugged. "Sayonara~."

He gave a wave and walked out of the scene.

The End.

Credits (in order of appearance)

Invisible person as the Light and Dark stuff

Hijikata as Village Elder Hijikata

Gintoki as Villager Gintoki

Sougo as Yoshihiko the Chosen One

Madao as Tree

Paako as Murasaki the Girl

Gengai as Merebu the Mage

Kagura as Danjo the Macho Guy

Paperbag Man as Father
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  
 
  

"YO-SHI-KO!!!!"

A booming voice echoed across the sky just as our travelers were about to part ways.

A Buddha appeared in the clouds, floating in a lotus position. The light shining from his baldness formed a halo around his head.

"Oi, Yoshihiko," Kagura elbowed Sougo in the shoulder. "That Buddha is calling you."

Sougo looked around but saw nothing. "What are you talking 'bout?"

The Buddha was invisible to sadists who had too many worldly desires.

Gintoki stared up at the Buddha with deadfish eyes. His eyes widened. The corners of his mouth started twitching when he recognized him.

"...Z-Zura... is that you?"

"Ehhhh!!! But he's BALD!!!!!" Kagura screamed in horror.

"It's not bald, it's One-Punch Man!"

"I knew it! That was a wig, was it?" said Gintoki. "You were wearing a wig all along..."

"Oi, did you take your monk disguise too seriously?" said Kagura. "You became a real monk and reached nirvana and became a Buddha, yes?"

"Actually... I was doing a campaign to raise awareness for the Joui cause..." Katsura the Buddha lowered his eyes in regret. "So I stuck a hundred pieces of gum on my head, and it wouldn't come off!"

Gintoki stared at a booger on his finger with hooded eyes and flicked it away, already too far beyond disbelief to show it on his face.

"But back to the script..." Katsura cleared his throat. "YO-SHI-KO!!!! You must go east! You may have found the medicine, but your quest is far from over! You must go to the Demon King's castle and defeat the source of the problem! Go east!! Go east~~!!!"

"You got a map to that castle?" said Gintoki.

The Buddha's expression turned dark. "There is no map, for the path to the castle is paved with corpses..."

"But you at least have the address, yes?" said Kagura. "I mean the castle doesn't move around*, does it?"

"There is no address, for the Demon King owns unregistered property. Now, off you go to the Demon King's castle! Fly! Flyyy~!!"

[* Howl doesn't rent his castle to demon kings]

***

Sougo and co. walked all afternoon, but there were no castles in sight.

Sougo slumped down under a tree by the side of the road. His fellow questers took a rest too.

"Why are we doing this just because some stupid Buddha told us to?" said Sougo. "Are you sure you guys weren't seeing things?"

"That Buddha ain't an illusion," said Gengai. "But I don't think he actually knows where the Demon King lives."

"Maybe we'll find the Demon King working part-time at a fast-food restaurant," Gintoki suggested.

"Look! There's a McDonalds right there!" said Kagura in delight.

The iconic yellow "M" stood out from the browns and grays of the huts around it. The tiny village at the foot of the mountain had only a population of a few dozen, but the reach of this global fast-food enterprise stretched far and deep.

The band of travellers went to McDonalds.

The only other person in the restaurant was a woman who stood behind a cash register.

"Hi, how can I help you?" said the woman with a sweet smile.

The woman dressed in a pink kimono and kept her dark brown hair pinned up. She had a pretty face and an air of gracefulness about her. The name badge on her chest read: Manager, Shimura Tae.

The menu hanged above her with photos of the items. There were many options to choose from, but they all looked the same. They all looked like Dark Matter.

Kagura stared at the menu. "Could I have ten Big Macs, twelve Quarter-Pounders, six Filet-o-Fish—"

"Oi, we're not here for food!" Gintoki turned to Manager Tae with a serious look. "Do you happen to have a colleague who's a Demon King?"

Manager Tae gave a polite smile. "Don't we all have a friend or colleague like that?"

Just then, a pimply teenager with buck teeth rushed out from the kitchen.

"Boss Lady, the deliveryman's like still not here. What do we do?" He furrowed his brows in worry.

"What's the matter?" said Gengai.

"Oh, it's just that a customer ordered a delivery." Tae waved it off like it wasn't a big deal. "But we don't have anyone who could deliver it."

"We could deliver it if it's not too far away," said Gintoki, picking his nose.

A bright smile appeared on Tae's face. "Could you really?"

She showed the band of travellers outside. They passed by an ornate palanquin sitting by the door.

Tae pointed up.

"The customer lives right there," said Tae with a sweet smile on her face.

The four travellers raised their heads.

The mountain towered over them. Its peak was so high that it was shrouded by clouds. The wind whistled.

"Oi!!! How the hell are we supposed to climb that?!!!" Gintoki screamed at her.

"Is he a hermit, or something?" said Kagura. "What are we even delivering?"

"He's a mountain god," said Tae like it was completely normal. "He wanted to have a young woman for dinner."

She glanced over to the palanquin.

"What?! You're sending a human sacrifice?!!" Gintoki screamed in disbelief.

"She'll become his Shinki."

"No way!! I'm not participating in your backward practices!"

"It's alright," a voice came from the palanquin. It sounded, not like a woman at all, but like a man. "If I could be of use to this village, then I don't mind becoming a sacrifice."

A sadistic smile stretched across Sougo's face. "We'll do it. We'll sacrifice her to the mountain god. You can count on us."

Each of the four travellers carried one corner of the palanquin.

"Damn, you're heavy..." Sougo muttered as they trudged forward towards the mountain.

***

The four travellers walked along a mountain path, carrying the palanquin on their shoulders.

Just moments ago, they were at the base of the mountain. They had only taken a few steps but they were already close to their destination at the top of the mountain.

"Oi, how did we get here all of a sudden?" said Kagura. "Did we teleport?"

"The Author's probably too lazy to write about what we did along the way," said Gintoki in a bored voice. "And the Readers don't care."

One of the bushes by the side of the path started quivering. A koala in a suit popped out from the foliage.

"I am the Evil Koala, and I'm here to attack you with my godly author powers! Muhahahaha!"

They all stared at the Author, not the slightest bit afraid of her godly powers.

"Author-san~, aren't you supposed to be directing this?" said Sougo. "If you're not gonna do your job, I'm not gonna do mine."

"Yeah, go away, you self-insert character," said Kagura with a pout. "What can you even do to us?"

"I don't think she's allowed to use her author powers to do anything she wants," said Gengai. "The laws of good storytelling ain't gonna let her."

"Just let us finish our work," said Gintoki with a bored look. "Don't drag this chapter longer than it already is."

The four of them walked past her and continued along.

"Wait! I'm trying to create some conflict for the story!" The Author waved her arms for attention. "Come back! Come back!"

They all ignored her, leaving her feeling like a rather incompetent self-insert character for not being able to get everyone in the story to listen to her.

***

Sougo and his fellow travellers stood in front of a rundown shrine. They laid down the palanquin by the entrance.

The sky had turned magenta, growing dimmer as the sun sank beneath the trees. A chilly wind blew past, rustling the leaves of the surrounding forest.

The damp air smelled musky from the rotting wood. Ragged strips of paper hanged from the torii, the traditional gate of the shrine. The mountain god's house was nothing but a wooden hut with the roof caved in and parts of the walls already collapsed. This god lived in poverty, unlike the ones who lived in fancier shrines. There was a large amount of socioeconomic inequality among Shinto deities.

"Hey, mountain god, are you home?" Sougo called out to the silence. "We brought food~!"

"FOOD? I'M STARVING..." a deep booming voice came from within the shrine. "LET ME SEE HER."

Gintoki pulled open the curtains of the palanquin with a dispassionate look on his face. A "woman" stepped out.

The human sacrifice dressed in a kimono covered in pig patterns and wore her black hair in two braids. The fat jiggled on her belly. She looked like she ate too much McDonalds... or mayonnaise.

"My name's Tenko," said the overweight female version of Hijikata. "I've come as a sacrifice."

Sougo pushed her forward to the mountain god. "You can have roast pig for dinner now. Enjoy~!"

"WHAT?! NO! I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING LIKE THIS. I WANT A REFUND!"

"You don't want roast pig?" Sougo tilted his head with round innocent eyes. "How about pork-bone soup, or pork kebabs, or barbequed pork ribs?"

"NO! TAKE HER AWAY! YOU PEOPLE AT MCDONALDS ALWAYS MESS UP MY ORDER. NEXT TIME, I'M GOING TO BURGER KING!"

"Oi, if you got a complaint, go talk to the manager," said Gintoki as he picked his nose. "We're just deliverymen."

"OK, FINE." The mountain god paused. "BUT BEFORE YOU GO, YOU SEE THAT TREE BEHIND YOU?"

They all looked back.

A tree stood by the side of the path. It had only two branches, one on each side, which ended in hands holding onto twigs. The trunk was thicker than most of the other trees and appeared to be made of fabric. The face of a madao stuck out from a hole cut into the fabric. The tree was wearing sunglasses.

"CAN YOU GET ME THOSE SUNGLASSES? I HAVE A FRIEND WHO NEEDS THEM."

The tree gulped nervously as two of the travellers approached it, emitting the same evil aura.

***

For eons, the Light and Dark had been the bitterest of enemies. All it took was a single act of goodwill from the unlikeliest of sources, a madao, to end an endless battle.

(Madao: What goodwill? Give it back! It's mine!!!)

The Darkness no longer hated the Light for it had sunglasses, and the Light no longer hated the Darkness because the Darkness no longer hated the Light.

At last, the universe was at peace... and the Author could finally start studying for her exams.

The End.

***


Next time: The prelude to a serious arc, the calm before the storm. The Shinsengumi are at a crime scene, but Kondo is busy elsewhere...

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