Knock! Knock!

The doorbell rang at the Odd Jobs office.

"Who's there?" said Gintoki in a bored voice.

"It's not a knock knock joke!" said Shinpachi who was mopping the floor. "Someone get the door!"

Gintoki was at his desk reading a... Shoujo Beat magazine... He didn't look up.

Kagura was taking an afternoon nap on the couch with a piece of sukonbu hanging from her mouth. She opened an eye and mumbled something in a groggy voice.

"Fine, I'll get it." Shinpachi laid down his mop and wiped his hands on his apron.

He slid open the doors to find an Amanto standing before him.

The Amanto smiled and waved. He was a scrawny young man with a goofy grin that revealed his large front teeth. A shock of messy lime green hair sat on top of his head between two yellow antennae.

"Hi! My name is Alpacasio Drakanator!" said the Amanto with a slight accent. "I'm here for the Good Good Edo City Tour of Cultural Landmarks!"

"The... Good Good Edo City Tour?" Shinpachi scratched his head in confusion.

The Amanto carried hiking backpack and wore a camera around his neck. He held a crumpled map with both hands. Shinpachi stared at his baggy t-shirt that read: I ♥ Edo.

A light bulb lit up over Shinpachi's head. "Are you looking for a travel agency by any chance?"

"Yup! That's where I am, right?" Alpacasio showed him his map.

A star drawn in red marker indicated the location of the travel agency. Shinpachi noticed that he was holding the map upside-down.

"Ah, your map—"

Gintoki dashed to the door in a flash. He pushed Shinpachi aside before he could finish.

"You're at the right place, Alpaca-san. Come on in." Gintoki slung his arm over the Amanto's shoulder and led him inside. "We'll give you the best best Edo City Tour you'll ever have."

Gintoki stole a glance at Kagura and a sinister grin appeared on both their faces.

"First things first, you got the bill, Gura?"

Kagura started punching numbers into a calculator.

"The attraction admission expenses would be 5000 yen*, the walking expenses 10,000 yen, the speaking expenses 10,000 yen, the insurance in case we get attacked by zombies is 15,000 yen."

[* a dollar is approximately 100 yen]

"What's with all these expenses I've never heard of?!" Shinpachi screamed in disbelief. "And zombies?! Like that could ever happen!"

"It comes to a total of 400,000 yen." Kagura glanced up at Alpacasio with a sweet smile. "But we can give you a fifty percent discount if you buy a Yorozuya water bottle for only 300,000!"

Alpacasio's eyes opened wide. "Whoa! That's so cheap! I love this planet. Everything's so cheap here."

He took out a ¥500,000 bill from his wallet and handed it to Gintoki.

Gintoki's eyes glowed in excitement at the fact that he now had enough money to buy a chocolate parfait every meal of the day for a year. When he saw the banknote closer, he realized it had the bust of a stern-looking Amanto on it with the same yellow antennae as Alpacasio, but it still said ¥500,000.

"Oi, don't you have Earth money?"

Alpacasio gave a downhearted sigh. "My big brother Hammy stole my travel funds, so I only have Melissan yodels on me right now. Is that okay?"

Gintoki shrugged and pocketed the money. "I guess I can go exchange it later."

"It's a rip-off... A rip-off, I'm telling you..." Shinpachi muttered to the Amanto with a dark expression on his face.

Gintoki elbowed Shinpachi in the ribs before he could say more. Shinpachi gagged.

"Let's get the tour started," said Gintoki with a clap of his hands. "This here is the tour guide."

Kagura got changed in a blink of an eye into a fluorescent red windbreaker. A whistle hung around her neck and she held a small flag that had: Yorozuya Good Good Edo City Tour, scribbled on it.

"Ooh! A tour guide!"

Alpacasio marveled at her as if he'd never seen one before. He snapped photo after photo of her from every angle, up close and far away.

"This here is Sadaharu. He's the best Sadaharu ever!" Kagura motioned to her huge white dog who was taking a nap in the corner.

"Ooh! A sadaharu!"

Alpacasio went over and started taking photos. Half his body ended up inside Sadaharu's mouth. He got a chance to take photos of the inside.

Kagura blew her whistle and proceeded to the kitchen.

"This here is a toaster. It makes toast."

"Ooh! A toaster!"

Alpacasio took photos despite the blood flowing down his face.

"This here is a microwave. It microwaves stuff."

"Ooh! A microwave!"

"This here is Glasses. He's not good for anything."

"Hey! What kind of description is that?!" Shinpachi yelled at Kagura.

Alpacasio took a long look at him. He turned his attention elsewhere.

"And this here is the Shiroyasha!" Kagura waved her arms like he's the highlight of the tour. "He slayed lots and lots of Amanto in the Joui War!"

"Oi, don't tell him—"

"Whoa!!! You're a shiroyasha?!" The Amanto stared at Gintoki, eyes glimmering in awe. "This whole time... I couldn't even tell..."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"Nice to meet you, Shiroyasha!" Alpacasio shook his hand eagerly. "Can I have an autograph? Oh and a picture! A picture!"

He fumbled with his camera and shoved it into Kagura's hands.

"That'd be 10,000 yen per picture."

Shinpachi grabbed the camera from her. "Stop squeezing money out of this poor tourist! I'll take the picture. Don't pay me for this."

"Really? Awesome!"

Alpacasio stood beside Gintoki grinning until his eyes squeezed shut. He held up a peace sign with his fingers.

Gintoki stared ahead with dead fish eyes and picked his nose.

Shinpachi snapped the photo with a flash.

Kagura blew her whistle.

"Unfortunately, our tour has come to an end," she read from her script. "Thank you for—"

"What?!" Shinpachi screamed at her. "It's a city tour, not an office tour! Show him some places in Edo!"

Kagura pouted. "Okay, fine."

She blew her whistle and headed to the door, holding up her flag.

"To the next destination!"

***

An ancient ginkgo tree stood on a hill overlooking Edo. It hunched over like an old sentry, forever guarding the city as it grew and changed. Alpacasio and the Yorozuya joined it in its tireless watch. The two humans and the two Amanto stood under a canopy of leaves, gazing at the metropolis that sprawled before them.

The skyscrapers casted long shadows over the land of the samurai. In the distance, the Terminal glimmered, a silver tower against the cloudless blue sky. A few ships of various shapes and sizes hovered around it.

"The Terminal..." Shinpachi smiled in relief. "Good choice. It's an important building."

His smile disappeared when he saw that everyone else had their backs facing the view.

"This here is a tree," said Kagura, patting the bark.

"Ooh, a tree."

They all stood around its wide twisted trunk, staring at it like it was an important artifact. A ginkgo leaf blew past them.

"H-Hey... the landmark's over there... There!!" Shinpachi pointed desperately to the Terminal as everyone ignored him.

Gintoki raised his head and squinted at the canopy. The leaves rustled in the wind. He had a distant look in his eyes like a philosopher about to share his wisdom.

"They say if you hang a booger on its branches, you can make a wish," he said as he picked his nose.

"What?!" Shinpachi screamed in disbelief. "There's no such thing as that!"

Gintoki took his finger out of his nostril and stared at the glob of slime hanging from his fingertip.

Kagura held out her hand to Alpacasio. "That'd be 40,000 yen for Gin-chan's booger."

Alpacasio took out his wallet.

Shinpachi grabbed it closed before he could take anything out.

"That's enough!" Shinpachi glared at Kagura and Gintoki. "Don't listen to those two. They just want your money. I'll give you the tour properly."

"But— But— The booger..."

Alpacasio reached longingly towards it as Shinpachi dragged him away.

***

The Yorozuya tour group stopped at the gates of Edo Castle at the heart of the city. The traditional Japanese palace loomed over them, many storeys tall. Long ago, it used to be the tallest structure in the city, but the skyscrapers now towered over it.

The walls were painted in vibrant reds and greens, and the clay tiles that covered the rooftops were gilded in gold. Carvings of phoenixes decorated the curved roofs and dragons coiled around the columns.

Gintoki, Kagura and Alpacasio stood in a row before Tour Guide Shinpachi. All three of them picked their noses in perfect sync with each other. Gintoki and Kagura stared ahead with bored looks on their faces, but Alpacasio had round eager eyes.

Shinpachi cleared his throat. "The building that stands before you was once home to the Shogun and his family. It was the center of government for three hundred years, so a lot of important historical events happened right within those walls."

Shinpachi smiled at how professional he sounded. He spent the entire walk trying to figure out how to present everything he learned back in temple school.

The palace guards who used to stand by the gates had been replaced by ticket booths and revolving doors.

After the shogun stepped down from power, everyone who lived and worked in there had to vacate the palace grounds. Princess Soyo had moved to a quiet villa on the outskirts of the city. Kagura still visited her often.

"Back then, you needed special permission to enter those gates," Shinpachi continued. "But now it's open to all visitors. Let's buy some tickets"

Shinpachi made his way towards the ticket booth. He stopped and glanced back.

No one was following him.

Gintoki and Kagura gazed apathetically to the side. A cherry tree grew at the edge of the road.

"Does this tree also work?" said Alpacasio as he rubbed his booger on the bark. "I wish I was a cheeseburger!"

"What? You weren't even listening?!" Shinpachi screamed at the Amanto in disbelief. "And what's with that wish? You're not Sorachi-sensei!"

"We've all had moments in our lives when we wish we were cheeseburgers," said Gintoki with a shrug.

"Stop trying to say something deep! Just look at what you've done!" Shinpachi threw his arms in frustration. "Now he thinks rubbing boogers is all there is to our culture!"

The three of them stared at Alpacasio, who grinned proudly beside a tree enveloped in snot.

"Oi, Alpaca-san," said Gintoki. "If you wanna become a cheeseburger that badly, I'll show you a better way to make your wish come true."

"You mean like going to a meat-processing plant?" said Kagura with a bright smile. "But they don't make burgers out of alpaca meat, yes?"

"Nope, where I'll take you, anyone can become a cheeseburger." Gintoki turned and started walking down the road.

Shinpachi followed behind everyone else. He wasn't sure where they were going, but he had a bad feeling in his guts.

***

The Odd Jobs trio and the Amanto tourist stopped before a narrow storefront. They arrived just as the sun was about to set.

The sketchy-looking shop stood crammed between a love hotel and a sex-toy store. A faded banner hanged above the door: The Diner.

Shinpachi prayed to Sorachi-sensei or the Author or whoever controlled everything in the universe that they were just going to a normal fast food restaurant... but this was Yoshiwara.

A stand of brochures stood by the door. Gintoki took one and handed it to Alpacasio.

On the cover, there was a photo of a naked man and a naked woman sandwiched between two giant pieces of bread. The man was licking molten cheese off the woman's breast.

Shinpachi clutched his eyes and howled in pain, blinded by a single glimpse. It knocked him over like a punch in the face. Blood spewed from his nose.

"Gahhh! Why did you take us here?" Shinpachi tended to his bleeding nose. "No one needs to know your crazy fetishes!"

Alpacasio flipped through the brochure, eyes glued to the pages.

"Whoa! They even have hotdog and chocolate parfait options!" His eyes sparkled. "So many choices~~ This place is awesome!"

Gintoki glanced to him. "You 18+?"

"I just turned twenty."

"Good." Gintoki turned to the kids. "You two stay outside."

"Aww..." Kagura pouted. "But I wanna become a cheeseburger too!"

Blue lines appeared over Shinpachi's forehead. "Let's just go home."

Kagura kicked and squirmed as Shinpachi dragged her away.

***

The next day, Gintoki, Kagura and Shinpachi were at the O-Edo Bank. Gintoki stank with a sickly sweet chocolaty smell that made Kagura wrinkle her nose. He smelled worse in the morning when he just got home.

They waited in line before a row of bank tellers. It was finally their turn.

Gintoki placed his ¥500,000 bill on the counter.

"Oi, can I exchange this for yen?"

"Of course," said a faceless young woman dressed in the bank's business suit uniform.

Technically, she did have a face, but no eyes. It was a generic face that existed because anime creators were too lazy to do character design for background characters. It was the face of a stranger you'd pass by on the streets without really paying attention to, that you'd completely forget about right after.

The bank teller took the bill and placed a single coin on the counter.

Gintoki stared at the five yen coin. His brows twitched. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead.

"I-I think you made a mistake. It should be 500,000 yen, right? 500,000 yen! It says that on the bill."

"Hmm?" The bank teller took closer look at the bill. "No, this is 500,000 yodels. The exchange rate from Melissan yodels to Japanese yen is 100,000 to 1, so that comes to 5 yen. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Gintoki just stared at the coin. A rumbling sound echoed in his ears. The bowls of chocolate parfait, which had been stacked on top of each other until it touched the sky, started wobbling. The earth shook and his mountain of parfaits swayed side to side, crashing down at his feet into a pile of broken glass and gooey brown ice-cream.

Gintoki raised his head back. A scream escaped his throat. He pulled at his hair and let out a scream of absolute despair.

Kagura joined him, pulling at his hair and screaming.

"I'm a Yato, yes," said Kagura as she wept. "But I'm not Yato! I did all that work for five yen?!"

They cried in a chorus of screams as if competing to see who was louder. The people around them turned and stared at the two crazy people as they walked by.

Shinpachi paced around in circles, whistling a tune. He didn't know them.

Gintoki gave up. Kagura won the screaming contest. He took the coin and sauntered away. He walked with his back bent under the weight of the dark clouds raining down on him.

Kagura followed him, shuffling her feet. Wavy rivers of tears streamed down her face.

"That alpaca..." said Gintoki through gritted teeth. "He cheated us..."

Only Shinpachi remained cheerful. He glanced back at the two with a smug smile.

"That's what you get for trying to pull off a scam like that."

***

The alpaca wants you to vote and comment

Next time: A parody to celebrate the new Gintama live action movie!

https://youtu.be/JimCt36Y0-s