Alpacasio woke up this morning with a wide grin on his face, looking forward to seeing his friend Zura who he met ten chapters ago and had been friends ever since. Zura ran a "Samurai-Admiration Club" that he'd visit every few days where they'd talk about various samurai concerns like hair-loss or the newest Aliens vs. Samurai sequel. After spending some time there, they managed to convince him that samurai were indeed more awesome than ninjas.

Alpacasio slipped into his jeans and put on a t-shirt that had two kanji characters written on it in pretty calligraphy: 馬鹿. The street vendor had told him it meant horse and deer.

Alpacasio got ready as fast as he could and left his room. He hurried down the marble corridors of the Melissan Embassy, past the towering Grecian columns on one side and the heavy mahogany office doors on the other. The late morning sun shined against the columns and casted bands of light and shadow across the floor.

Alpacasio ran, eager to go out and meet his friend. He didn't see the person in front of him. With a cry of surprise, he crashed into him causing both of them to slip and fall on the polished marble floor.

"Ouch!" Alpacasio sat up and rubbed his butt before pulling himself back to his feet.

The guy he bumped into was a young Melissan soldier with black antennae and pastel green hair. He had delicate features and looked a few years younger than him, but he had a ghastly burn scar across half his face with wrinkled red skin that stretched from his forehead to his cheek, blinding his right eye.

The soldier crawled up and quickly brushed his long bangs back over his missing eye. He removed the Beam Saber from his waist and knelt down in front of Alpacasio with his head bowed. He held out his arms, offer his weapon in his outstretched palms.

"Ooh! Nice Beam Saber! What color is it?" Alpacasio tilted his head, forgetting about his aching butt.

The soldier remained with his head lowered, exposing the back of his neck. Alpacasio stared at the Beam Saber and furrowed his brows when he realized was happening. He heard that in other fleets, black-balled Melissans were often punished by beheading for the slightest blunders.

"Are you new? What's your name?"

"Luceto, sir," said the soldier without raising his head. "I joined the 44th Fleet more than thirty-five chapters ago. Please punish me for causing the pain in your ass, sir!"

Alpacasio placed his hands over Luceto's shoulders causing him to flinch. He helped Luceto to his feet with a friendly smile. "I don't get why you black-balled Melissans are so okay with dying when life is awesome!"

"The sole purpose of my existence is to bring victory to battle." Luceto lowered his gaze and spoke as if reciting from a doctrine. "If I must give my life for the cause, then I prefer death before dishonor and all that bullshit"

"That's so badass! You're like a kamikaze warrior!" Alpacasio tilted his head in curiosity. "But what kind of cause could be more important than staying alive?"

"No idea, sir."

"What?! You don't even know what you're fighting for?"

"It's alright, sir. I know that it's somehow for the benefit of the Melissan race so—"

"Aha! I gotta show you something awesome! C'mon!" Alpacasio grabbed Luceto's arm and dragged him along.

"S-Sir!" Luceto stumbled to keep up.

They ran down the front steps and across the lawn until they reached a tree standing innocently by the sidewalk.

"This here is a tree." Alpacasio looked up at the branches. "If you rub a booger on it, your wish will come true no matter what!"

"Sir, I have no other wish but to bring victory to battle and die in a blaze of glory and shit like that."

Alpacasio looked at him in astonishment. "Really? But there's so much to wish for that I'm running out of boogers. You gotta want more than just that."

After a moment of silence, Luceto raised his head to look Alpacasio in the eyes. His face revealed little emotion, but his eye was large and brilliant blue like the cloudless sky, staring at him with an unwavering gaze as if trying to see the color of his soul.

He raised his hand and hesitated before sticking his finger into his nose. Without any more doubt, he rubbed the booger on the bark. He said not a word about what he wished for, only stared at the lone booger with a steely gleam in his eye.

Alpacasio gave him a pat on the back that made him stumble forward in surprise. "Good, now you gotta stay alive 'til it comes true, got it?"

Luceto smiled for the first time. "Aye!"

***

Zura sat crosslegged at the center of his Joui hideout surrounded by members of his Anti-Foreigner Faction. Alpacasio blended in quite well among the ronin samurai despite the two antennae that stuck out from his head. The jouishishi had gotten used to their leader's weird friends. Plus, the young Melissan seemed less foreign than the guy who wore a duck/penguin costume all the time.

They had gathered for a meeting with an Amanto bigwig who had requested to speak with the leader of the Anti-Foreigner Faction in hopes of opening up the planet for trade. Normally, Zura would refuse all negotiations from the Amanto, since the Anti-Foreigner Faction was supposed to be against foreigners, but this time, the request came from Sakamoto. His old friend was doing business with yet another Amanto client and that client was interested in not just the Kaientai, but the entire planet.

A few of the jouishishi grumbled about how they had been too friendly with the Amanto recently. Alpacasio smiled like an oblivious idiot.

They knew Sakamoto arrived when a loud crash came from nearby building causing the ground to shake, soon followed by the sound of sirens. At least it was someone else's building this time, not their own.

A few minutes later, Sakamoto walked into the room with his curly hair singed and frazzled, a crack on the round lens of his sunglasses and burnt patches on his long red coat. Even so, he had a wide grin on his face.

"Ahahahaha! I tried parallel parking, but those buildings were in the way!" He laughed it off.

He held the door open for his client. When the Amanto came in, the jouishishi all stared at him with blank faces, not sure what to make of him.

A creamy white blob slithered inside, leaving a trail of slime on the floor. There wasn't much to him, no limbs, no face, just a spherical white blob that seemed to be made of jelly.

Zura blinked. "A mantou*?"

[* steamed bun]

Alpacasio stared at the Amanto with sparkling eyes, almost crying out in joy. "A giant booger~~!!!" He had never seen such a big booger in his life! If he rubbed it on a tree, he could wish for anything and it would come true.

"A Rorschach test." Elizabeth held up his sign.

Sakamoto sat down beside the Blob Amanto. "Let me introduce to you the Ambassador from the Free Planet's Alliance, Blobert Boobie— I mean Boogie."

"Greetings," Boogie spoke. "I am here to speak on behalf of President Trunicht concerning the matter of—"

"Why are you a blob?" Zura interrupted.

"Why are you a human?" Boogie retorted.

Alpacasio raised his hand. "Booger-san, do Blobs have eyes?"

"It's Boogie. And no, as a Blob I can't see. We depend on sixth sense to get around."

"But you could talk!" Alpacasio pointed out. "You don't have a mouth!"

"My voice comes from my voice actor."

"You don't have a butt either... Do you poop?" Zura asked with a straight face.

Elizabeth held up his sign, "Most anime characters never poop."

Zura rubbed his chin in consideration. "You got a point. Even Gintama characters only poop occasionally."

Boogie's voice actor cleared his throat. "Ahem, I've come with an offer from the Free Planets Alliance to—"

"I heard that Blobs could poop from any part of their body," said Sakamoto. "Is that true, Boobie?"

"It's Boogie. Can we get back to business? I'm here to talk about—"

"Whoa! From anywhere on their body?!" Alpacasio's eyes opened wide in astonishment. "How does that work?"

Sakamoto grinned, eager to show off his knowledge. "I think little blobs just split off from the main blob kinda like cell division, right Boobie?"

"For the last time, my name is Boogie!!" The faceless blob yelled in an angry voice. "What are you? Space Dandy?!"

"Ahahahaha! My bad, Boob— Boogie."

And they spent the entire meeting learning everything they could about the excretory system of Blobs.

***

In the backalley outside the Anti-Foreigner Faction hideout, a young black-balled Melissan crouched behind a dumpster holding his headphones close against his ears. A few stray cats strolled by, turning to him in curiosity but soon losing interest.

Luceto listened closely to the voices coming from the headphones. A tape-recorder sat beside him turning slowly as it recoded everything that was said. He heard four voices: one was Alpacasio, the other three he didn't know. One of them had an accent— the Amanto who was introduced as an ambassador from the Free Planets Alliance.

He had slipped a listening device into Alpacasio's pocket this morning when he bumped into him. He had seen him interacting with wanted criminals before and knew he could get close enough to hear their secrets, but he never expected this to involve the Alliance.

To the Melissan race who were vassals to the Galactic Empire, the Free Planets Alliance was their sworn enemy.

***

Vespario paused in the middle of the voice recording and took off his headphones.

His Vice-Captain waited by his desk. Cassero had brought this over to his office, saying it was urgent. A young Melissan soldier stood quietly behind him.

Vespario stood up, his solemn expression never changing. "What is the Rebel Alliance doing here? Don't they know they're on Imperial territory?"

"If the Altana Holes on this planet are so important to the Empire, they must be important to the rebels as well," Cassero pointed out with an offhand shrug. "They want the Altana for themselves, that's all. Trying to steal this planet from under our noses."

"Looks like the enemy is starting to make its move." Vespario walked out of his office with brisk steps as Cassero and Luceto followed behind him.

Vespario turned to the young soldier. "Did they offer the Anti-Foreigner Party a place in the Rebel Alliance?"

"All they talked about is poop, sir."

"Could that be a coded language?" Vespario wondered.

"The analysts are working on it," Cassero told him.

They walked past an office where teams of Amanto cryptographers were busy cracking the code, some replaying the recording through their large headphones with brows furrowed in concentration, others piecing together a complex web of connections on the whiteboard.

Vespario stepped into the War Room. All the soldiers fumbled as they stopped what they were doing and saluted.

The Melissan Captain sat down in front of the hologram table. "Connect me with the Admiral— no, the Imperial Court. It's faster to notify the Empire directly."

He remained patient as the loading spinner hovered in the air for the other side to pick up.

"What in the world was Alpacasio doing there?" Vespario muttered as he waited for the call to go through.

"Gaining the enemy's trust?" Cassero suggested. Too stupid to realize they were the enemy, he wanted to say.

Vespario let out a hopeless sigh. He glanced to the young soldier still standing quietly behind him. "What's your name?"

"L-Luceto, sir!"

"Watch over that kid. Make sure he doesn't do anything dangerous."

***

Kyoto

The ministers of the Imperial Court knelt in two rows along an aisle, dressed in dark kimonos and wearing tall hats. The Emperor of Japan, Emperor Meiji Meiji sat on a raised platform hidden behind a silk screen.

They all stared at their visitor in silence: an Amanto who claimed to be the Ambassador of the Free Planets Alliance, but was nothing but a blob.

"We the Free Planets Alliance would like to offer a generous trade agreement on the export of Altana and would be grateful for His Majesty's support," Ambassador Boogie made his speech. "All that we ask in exchange is for the Earth to cut ties with the Galactic Empire and trade exclusively with the Alliance. As a Blob, the Empire has discriminated against my race and other races for millennia. The Earth should no longer use its Altana to fuel the weapons and battleships of an oppressive regime and instead be the source of energy for our noble quest to free the galaxy from the Empire's clutches."

"His Majesty says he has no interest in the wars happening in the stars." The one sitting closest to the Emperor spoke without hesitation.

She was a middle-aged noblewoman with grayish brown hair who dressed in a formal kimono like the other ministers in the room.

"The stars are no longer faraway like they used to be," the Amanto Ambassador spoke calmly as if he was prepared for this reaction. "Whether your Emperor is interested or not, how much longer do you think this planet can keep its doors closed when the rest of the galaxy could just kick it down without knocking? No, the Empire has already kicked the doors wide open, haven't they?"

The minister paused and stared at the Blob. "His Majesty would like to know what you're trying to offer."

"What the Alliance is offering?" The Amanto's voice held a hint of triumph. "A choice. The only choice this planet has is who to open its doors to."

"His Majesty says it's not a choice if the outcome is the same. Whether it's the Empire or the Alliance, either way our planet will become overrun by Amanto."

"Ah, I believe that's where we have a misunderstanding," said the Blob. "You see, we are the Free Planets Alliance, not the Empire. We do not colonize our trade partners. Instead, we believe that the planets of this galaxy should be free to rule themselves."

"Are you saying the Alliance can help His Majesty expel the foreigners?" One of the ministers spoke up.

"You can't call it a free planet if it's taken over by the Empire, can you?"

"His Majesty would like to hear more," said the one closest to the Emperor.

"Wait, who are you?" the Amanto suddenly asked. "Are you even relaying your Emperor's words? You're not even talking to him!"

"I am Minister of the Right Iwakura Tomoe," the court noble introduced herself with a bow of her head. "His Majesty communicates telepathically through me."

"Ah, so that's how it is..." The Amanto asked no more questions and explained the details to Iwakura as if she was the Emperor.

***

Next time: The Yorozuya receives a rather unconventional customer