The air was cold, the sky pale and the first snow of winter blanketed everything in white. A thin layer had accumulated on the curved rooftops. The pond had frozen over with the waterlily leaves trapped in the ice.

The peaceful villa at the outskirts of Edo that used to be the Shogun's summer palace was now Soyo's permanent home. None of the bustle from the city could be heard from here. None of the happenings of the world outside those walls seemed to matter. It was as if it belonged to a separate world by itself. Only the very tip of the Terminal could be seen above the treetops.

Soyo held her tea party indoors where it was warm. The Princess, the Sadist and the Chinagirl sat on a tatami mat around a feast of cakes, biscuits and pies to accompany their cups of macha.

"It's Christmas, but no Christmas Special?" said Sougo with a tilt of his head.

"We can make this a Christmas tea party," Soyo offered.

"Don't bother with it aru," said Kagura with her mouth full. "Gintama Christmas Specials usually happen in June."

A small round-eyed monkey sat beside Soyo, dressed in a miniature silk kimono decorated with patterns of pink peaches. After her old monkey died in childbirth, Soyo received a new one named Momo Momo. 

Soyo sipped on her green tea as Kagura shovelled food into her bottomless stomach. Momo Momo didn't fall behind either, stuffing food into her mouth just as ravenously as Kagura. It only made Kagura eat faster or Momo Momo would finish all the food before she could eat her fill.

"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Sougo shoved piles of cookies to the monkey. "Cu'mon, is that all you got? Don't let Chinagirl win. Keep eating!"

He stuffed an entire plate of cheesecake into Momo Momo's mouth and then a handful of mochi and then a fruitcake.

Soyo giggled into her sleeve. "I think foie gras is made with duck, not monkey."

"Poor Momo-chan," said Kagura while munching on her mouthful. "He's being mean to you, yes?"

Momo Momo squealed in a cute voice and flung a pie at Kagura, before greedily grabbing the food from Sougo's hands.

The cream melted down Kagura's face to reveal the look of fury. Steam erupted from her ears and a multitude of veins bulged on her forehead. "You think I'd lose to a monkey?!! Uhn Uhn!"

She gobbled down the food faster than ever with newfound determination.

***

Kagura and Momo Momo laid on the floor with their bloated bellies sticking out. The remnants of the food piled up on the floor, some half-eaten cakes and pies sitting in the crumbs.

Kagura belched loudly. "I won, yes?"

"Nope, Momo Momo won," said Sougo.

"It's a tie!" Soyo announced cheerfully.

Sougo looked down at Kagura. "You tied with a monkey... and you smell like one too~ ♫."

Kagura threw a pie at him, but he dodged it.

"Calm down, Chinagirl. I'm just doing my job. I wasn't there last chapter and just look at how the read count dropped. Gotta do my job as a sadist, you know?"

"What were you even doing for a whole chapter?" said Kagura with cake crumbs falling from her mouth.

Sougo took a sip of his tea before laying down his cup. "You wanna know what I've been up to?" He raised his eyes to meet Kagura's and sadistic smile stretched across his face. "Well~~, as the personal bodyguard of Hime-sama, I have to stay by her side everywhere she goes: when she's out for a walk, when she's having dinner, when she's sleeping, when she's getting dressed, when she's taking a bath, when she's taking a dump, when she's dancing around in her room naked—"

Soyo pounced on him and covered his mouth. "I'm not dancing!! I'm just exercising!! It's an exercise!!!"

Sougo never took his eyes off Kagura's face. He watched for her reaction with piercing red eyes filled with anticipation.

Kagura turned to Soyo. She shielded her mouth and started whispering into her ears. Now and then, she flashed disapproving glances at Sougo.

Soyo covered her mouth and gasped in horror. "Oh my... He did something like that?"

"Uh huh, you better be careful around that sadist," said Kagura with narrowed eyes and puckered lips. "You never know what he's thinking."

Sougo looked away with a glum expression on his face. "Stupid Chinagirl, we're in an OkiKagu fanfic... At least pretend you like me."

He sulked silently by himself for the rest of the party.

***

It was always quiet at Soyo's villa. The servants kept to the background, cleaning after the mess they made without making a scene, but silently shaking their heads. Jiiya lived here too, but spent most of his time in his room practising calligraphy with his new mechanical arms when he wasn't busy assigning household chores to the servants. It was always quiet here, but when Kagura went home after the party, the silence only made itself louder.

The snowflakes fluttered onto the translucent panels of the shoji doors, casting faint silhouettes before melting away. Sougo sat on the floor leaning against the door frame with his eyemask over his eyes, but he wasn't really asleep.

Chinagirl was just being a stupid chinagirl, he reassured himself. Nothing to it. But it irked him too much. She could have at least acted a little bit jealous, and it was driving him mad. This was supposed to be a love triangle.

Plop.

In the garden, a stream of water filled into a bamboo pipe and the weight made it dip and knock against the rocks below.

Plop.

A sheet of ice had formed over still water of the pond, but the flowing water didn't freeze. The bamboo apparatus seesawed in a tireless cycle, like clock ticks echoing in the silence. Life in this villa was a tireless cycle— the perfect place to live out the rest of your days in leisure and contentment.

But I'm too young to be old.

He wished someone would just come and attack this place so he could do his job as a bodyguard. He hungered for that feeling of adrenaline he could only get from a good fight, the high that came from hurting and breaking things. He knew he was addicted, but he loved it.

Sougo felt the presence of someone sitting beside him, really close. A warm breath tickled his face.

He flipped up his eyemask and Soyo's face filled his vision. She loomed over him with her face close to his. She stared at him with large brown eyes that glimmered as if mesmerized. He knew he was that good looking.

Soyo's eyes opened wide to see him awake. She pulled away, not looking in Sougo's direction, her face completely red.

Sougo stared at her with unblinking eyes and his lips curled up in amusement. "Hime-sama~, you got a crush on me?"

Soyo tensed up and became flustered at those words, but quickly regained her composure. "I'm— I'm— I'm not really a princess anymore... Just Soyo now. The Shogunate's gone and I don't have to be the Princess of a whole country anymore. It must be what my dear brother always wanted, this freedom to be what I want... and love who I want."

Sougo pulled himself to his feet and turned to the shoji doors. He slid them open. A gust of cold wind gushed in, blowing against him right through his black vest and dress shirt. The chilly air stung his skin and made him feel awake, alive, and made him cough.

Back when he was a kid in Bushu, he loved when it the snowed. He used to go out and build snow fortresses by himself, even when it was too cold for him, and he would always come back with a fever that left him bedridden for days. None of the things he liked were good for him, but he did them anyways.

Soyo stood behind him, but he didn't turn around, so she just spoke to his back. "What I mean is that I... I..."

Without warning, Sougo spun around with a violent gleam in his eyes. His fist came flying in her direction straight at her face.

Soyo gasped and stood frozen with eyes wide in shock. His fist stopped just a centimeter from her forehead.

He let out a chuckle. "That's no fun~."

He gave her a forehead flick instead, sending her staggering back.

Soyo rubbed her forehead and furrowed her brows. "Meanie!"

"Sadist. Call me Sadist." He shrugged, not even looking her way.

It dawned upon her that the guy she wanted by her side might already love someone else— the girl who called him Sadist. But it couldn't be love, at least not by her definition. The two of them would fight and argue whenever they were together, always at each other's throats, always hurting each other. She thought they hated each other more than anything. She didn't understand, but it was a question she didn't really want to ask for fear of the answer.

Soyo spoke, only able to muster a quiet voice. "Do you... like her?"

To her surprise, he wrapped his arms around her and leaned to her ear. She could feel his breath against her neck and the rise and fall of his chest.

"You think I like that stupid Chinagirl?" He spoke with a seething edge to his voice. "She's just a stupid Chinagirl~."

Soyo's heart rose at those words, but she furrowed her brows feeling uneasy. "But we're in an Okikagu fanfic... You can't say something like that. What about all the shippers? We can't do this to all our cherished readers who ship you with Kagura-chan. I... I can't be with you!"

"Is it that hard to understand?" Sougo looked into the camera with a trollface. "Since I'm a sadist, I can do things I'm not allowed to do in an Okikagu fanfic. I ship myself with whoever I feel like shipping with~."

With that, he pulled Soyo closer.

Soyo fell into him and buried herself into his embrace, pressed against his strong muscles. The scent of battlefield filled her nose, but she knew she was safe in his arms.

It had been so long since she felt another person's warmth, so she cherished it— this lingering moment with no one else but the two of them. She couldn't help but smile.

***

The trees that lined the streets of Edo were decorated for the holidays. The Christmas lights tangled on the bare branches shined like multicolored stars. Glittering ornaments hanged from some of the trees, but a few of the trees around the city had a different type of decoration. There had been multiple incidents all over Edo of trees getting covered with a layer of snot— the handiwork of a serial vandalist out on the loose.

When everyone was at home celebrating Christmas Eve with their families, Hijikata spent the night out on a stakeout. He huddled in a room on the top floor of a building overlooking a city square. A Christmas tree towered at the center of the square— the tallest tree in the whole city, set up by the Amanto to celebrate this Amanto holiday.

"What a lucky guy, to have the whole world celebrate his birthday two thousand years later."

Hijikata watched from the window through his binoculars. He kept the lights off to keep himself hidden. If the vandalist was going to attack tonight, this was an irresistible target.

Hijikata lowered his binoculars and paused. Usually someone else did the stakeouts for petty crimes like this. He only went after high-profile terrorists. Someone else was supposed to be doing this, not him. Someone, but he couldn't remember who.

But this wasn't just a random petty crime. The trees getting vandalized were mostly outside the Melissan Embassy or near Yoshiwara, a place with brothels known to be frequented by Joui rebels. The criminal profiler described the vandalist as someone disgruntled with the presence of Amanto and possibly has Joui connections.

Hijikata looked back. An empty go board sat at the center of his room with a bloodstain on one corner— his Anime Item. Mayo-chan sat beside a bowl of white pebbles, waiting quietly for him to play another round with her.

"Not now Mayo-chan. I have work."

Hijikata turned back to the window. He looked down at the streets below, at the pedestrians minding their own businesses, no one even going near the tree.

"Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to play one more game..."

He put down his binoculars and sat at the go table. He placed a black pebble on the board and waited for Mayo-chan's turn.

Mayo-chan sat there all night and still couldn't decide her move. The two of them remained engrossed in the game.

When the sun rose through the cracks of the skyscrapers, the Christmas tree had been enveloped from top to bottom in slime. The criminal profiler later added that the vandalist had a big nose.

***

Character Complaint Corner

Author: Yes, another one. The complainant this time is... Yamazaki! In case you forgot, Yamazaki got knocked out by Kannensai and had been MIA ever since... That was way back in Lesson 9.

Yamazaki: Mmmfffffpphhh!!!

Author: Oops. (rips off duct tape over his mouth) There we go.

Yamazaki: Let me out of here!!! How long have I been stuck in this dumpster without food and water? Why am I still alive?! Let me out!! Help!! HEEEELLLLPPPPPP!!!!

Author: Calling for help won't work. You'll be stuck in there for as long as I'm planning to make you stay in there, but don't worry about food and water. The dumpster just happens to be sitting on an Altana hole, you know? You won't die as long as you're in that dumpster. I mean you could basically live forever like this, but you'll have to live in a dumpster ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I can't stand when people complain about being immortal, so this complaint is—

Yamazaki: But wait! Why me? Why do I have to end up in a dumpster? I didn't do anything wrong! There are so many people who deserve to go into a dumpster, not me! It's not fair!

Author: I know it's not fair. It's not fair that some characters seem to have an unlimited amount of badassness and get as many scenes as they can handle, while other characters have to work hard to earn it. Don't worry, you'll get your scene... eventually... So work hard! (Runs off)

Yamazaki: Noooo!! Don't leave me here!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

***

Next time: Hetalia characters are coming to Gintama! It's a Hetalia-Gintama Crossover!!