Lesson 20 - Limited editions are valuable in that they won't be around forever
The sound of a dying air pump echoed in the silence, breathing in and breathing out in long raspy gasps. A rattling noise came from inside. The air struggled to squeeze through the tunnels clogged with grime. When the vents in your home sounded like that, you would need to fix it... but some ventilation systems weren't that easy to fix.
The doctor put away his stethoscope, shaking his head with a grim look on his face and eyes that had bags under them. The rays of light shined into the hospital room through the half-closed blinds. He turned to his patient with a stern glare over his glasses.
Sougo sat at the edge of the operating bed, putting his shirt back on. He didn't have the body of a strong swordsman. You could count the ribs on his chest. He was of small build, but those skinny arms were all muscle.
The doctor broke the silence. "You let your lungs get this bad again."
Sougo shrugged as he buttoned up his white collared shirt. "It gets better and worse."
"I'll be blunt with you." The doctor stared at Sougo with world-weary eyes, jaded by the countless times he had to tell his patients all sorts of bad news. "The next time you cough up blood, you'll die."
Sougo only met his gaze with a cocky grin. "You already told me that, Doctor~, the last time I coughed up blood."
The doctor narrowed his eyes at Sougo. A vein popped on his forehead. "That's not something to joke around about. You won't live much longer if this keeps up."
The golden light of sunset shined into the room. Sougo turned and looked out the window. "I'm only nineteen." His lips curled up into a slight smile. "Still got a few years left*."
[* his historical counterpart died at age 25]
The doctor's expression remained serious. "It's time you considered retiring as a swordsman."
Sougo started chuckling like the idea was ridiculous. "People retire when they're 65."
"You need to start living like you're 65," said the doctor, unmoved. "Take proper care of yourself and you'll live longer. Your body can't keep up with the lifestyle you have right now."
Sougo sat in silence for a while, staring down at his palms that were calloused from years of holding a sword. "I think I'll need stronger medicine. The old ones don't really work anymore."
The doctor sighed and shook his head in disappointment. Patients like this wise-ass right here were hopeless. They wouldn't listen to advice even when their lives depended on it.
He took out a note and jotted down a prescription. "This is the strongest we have. After that, no medicine can help you."
He signed it and handed it to Sougo.
"Like the previous ones, you'll feel drowsy after taking it," the doctor explained as he filed away Sougo's medical report. "It might also give you headaches, lack of appetite and other long-term complications, but I assure you it's been approved safe for consumption."
"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" Sougo pocketed the prescription. "Guess I'll be taking more naps~."
Sougo got up to leave, but stopped at the door. His shadow stretched long and skeletal into the orange glow of the hallway.
"Hey, thanks for not telling anyone about this," said Sougo without looking back.
"You'll have to tell them eventually."
"I know."
***
The clock ticked noon at the Odd Jobs office and Gintoki had yet to wake up. He only got home at six in the morning from his pachinko duties and sauntered straight to his room to sleep away his losses.
Kagura sat cross-legged on the couch picking her nose with a bored look on her face. Sougo lounged on the opposite couch like he owned it. He slouched with his arms crossed, wearing his eyemask and snoring as drool dripped down from the corner of his mouth.
Shinpachi stared into the camera with eyes gleaming in serious determination. With two fingers, he pushed his glasses up. A glaring light reflected from the lens and made him look almost badass, so he did it more often. He flicked his glasses again and again and again...
Every time he adjusted his glasses, your heart skipped a beat. You felt like you were about to have a heart attack.
"Oi, Glasses, what the hell are you doing?" She turned to him with hooded eyes. "And what's with Y.N.'s reactions?!"
"Can you stop calling me Glasses in front of (y/n)?! She's reacting to how seductive I am!"
Shinpachi thought hard about different ways to look cool with glasses and decided to take them off and put it in his mouth. He raised his chin to look down at you, scowling like a tough guy with the leg of his glasses clenched between his teeth.
"Oh no!" Kagura cried out in horror. "Glasses is getting eaten by a human! Someone save him! Help! Help!"
Shinpachi flipped at her. "I told you I'm not a pair of glasses!! It's supposed to be sexy!"
"Really?" Kagura tilted her head with curious eyes. "Are glasses that sexy?"
"I heard it's a fetish." Shinpachi gave a nervous laugh, blushing.
Kagura paused, rubbing her chin in thought. She rushed out the front door without a word.
"I wonder where she's going..." Shinpachi muttered to himself.
He shrugged and turned his attention back to you.
You had long blond hair, large sparkling blue eyes and succulent lips. Despite the slime dripping down your insect-like body, you were beautiful in your own way.
It had been your lifelong dream to open a glasses store with all your friends, but that was impossible now. They all got eaten by demons. So did your whole family. So did all your wizard friends and that guy who sold you a pierogi. All of them.
Shinpachi's eyes welled up when he read your tragic backstory and tears started streaming down his face.
He quickly wiped away his tears and rushed over to you. He stopped right before you, lips pressed in resolve and the glare of his glasses hiding his eyes.
Without warning, he wrapped his arms around you. You gasped in surprise.
"I'm still here." He buried his face into your insect arms. "I'm still here so your dream isn't over. You can open a glasses store... with me."
Your heart fluttered at those words. You could feel his warmth against your skin, but the warmth also came from inside. The flame of a candle glowed in your soul, casting light to all of the darkness.
"Um, (y/n)..." Shinpachi look straight at you with honest eyes unclouded by the Corruption. "Are you really okay with a guy like me? I mean everyone seems to think I'm just a plain and average pair of glasses. Do you think I'm plain or average?"
Choose your answer:
<Plain>
<Average>
<All of the above>
"Gaaaahhhhh!!!" Shinpachi screamed at the otome game options. "What's with this?! That's not what I was trying to ask!! I'm not just another guy! I'm more than that! I'll show you... I'll show you my other side!!"
With that said, Shinpachi took off his glasses. He stuck out his tongue and pressed it against the lens. He dragged it against the smooth glass, leaving behind a trail of saliva.
You stared at the glasses, dripping wet in sexiness and your face flushed burning red. Opening glasses store with him was more than you could dare to dream of... a glasses store with him on the center shelf. Such a sexy pair of glasses deserved be showcased.
Shinpachi started sucking on the leg of his glasses as if it were a lollipop. It made your ovaries jiggle.
On a nearby couch, Sougo stirred from his sleep. He flipped up the corner of his eyemask and just stared with his round red eyes at Shinpachi being weird.
"Megane-san, you're not going far enough," said Sougo with an innocent smile. "It's not sexy if you're doing it so half-assed. Put the whole thing in your mouth~."
Shinpachi listened to his advice. He stuffed his entire glasses into his mouth and his cheeks bulged and stretched like Luffy. Your ovaries exploded.
Just then, the front door slid open with a crash.
"I'm back!" Kagura stepped into the living room. "I have glasses now. Does it look sexy on me?"
Shinpachi gaped at her, weirded out, but Sougo remained poker-faced.
Instead of lenses, two bloodshot eyes bulged out from the frame. It made her look like an anime character staring at something in shock even though she had a simple smile on her face.
A bead of sweat dripped down Shinpachi's forehead. "T-Those aren't glasses!! What the hell are you wearing?!"
"They're Shinigami Eyes, the limited edition glasses version!!" said Kagura with a bright smile. "I got them from a punk rocker floating around outside. Now I can see everyone's name and lifespans!"
Sougo scoffed at her. "You traded half your life for something like that?"
"They're removable." Kagura took them off. "See? Now I got my full lifespan back. I only have a half-life when I'm wearing them."
"Stupid Chinagirl, that kind of good deal doesn't exist. There's gotta be a catch somewhere like they make you radioactive or something."
"You can see my name, right?" Shinpachi stepped forward to face her with a pleading look. "Now you can't pretend you don't know it. It says 'Shimura Shinpachi', right? Right? What does it say up there?"
Kagura stared at him with her Shinigami Eyes. "Glasses."
"Gaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!" Shinpachi fell to his knees in defeat.
"I gotta show this to Gin-chan!" Kagura rushed over to Gintoki's room and slid open the door.
Gintoki laid in bed in his pajamas with his blanket kicked to the floor and arms stretched out like he was making a snow angel on his bed.
"Gin-chan!!! Look at my sexy glasses!"
Gintoki opened an eye and looked at her. He turned over and kept sleeping.
Kagura stared at the name floating over his head.
Hashida Kanshichirou
"What?!!! 'Sakata Gintoki' isn't your real name?!! You lied to us! How can you lie to us for so long?!"
Sougo came behind Kagura, reached over her shoulder and slid the door shut to Gintoki's room. "Must be some kind of timey wimey thing."
The sadist pressed too close. Kagura could feel his warmth against her back. Ick. Goosebumps crawled up her arms.
She spun around, ready to barf on him, but froze. Glowing numbers floated above his head and she only stared in silence as her face fell numb.
Sougo stared back at her with his crimson eyes. "What do you see?"
"Your... Your name!!" Kagura pointed to his name and ended up poking him on the forehead. "Okita Sougoro Fujiwara no Sai*?! What's all that stuff at the end?!!"
[* his historical counterpart's name on his birth certificate was Okita Soujiro Fujiwara no Harumasa. Fujiwara no Sai is a manga character]
Sougo clutched the red mark she made on his skin and gave her a forehead-flick in revenge. "My dad read too much Hikaru no Go before I was born."
Kagura swung her fists, screaming profanities and trying to punch him, but Sougo held her at arm's distance. He slipped her glasses off and stepped out of her range to try it on himself. He turned to her. "How do I look~?"
"Way cooler than normal glasses, yes?"
Sougo stared at her with those cool-looking glasses. "Damn, that's a crazy long life you got there."
"I'm half-immortal!" Kagura beamed with pride.
Sougo coughed into his sleeve and quickly took off the Shinigami Eyes. "There's no way an idiot like you could live that long. What about all those fanfics where you die?"
He tapped on the bulging eyeballs with his nails. They were made of colored glass, but opaque so he couldn't see what was inside them.
"It's probably broken." He handed it back to her.
"Uh huh. Gotta be."
***
"So (y/n), what's your favorite (f/t)?" Shinpachi sat on the couch trying to have a date with you in the Yorozuya living room. "You like to eat (f/f)? I like (f/f) too. How about (f/s)? Wanna go (f/s)ing together later?"
"I'd love to go (f/s)ing with you, or even (f/k)ing," you said, blushing. "And then we can go do (f/g) and (f/m) and (b/d) or (s/m)."
"But we have to be careful," said Shinpachi with a determined look in his eyes. "With the Tournament going on, we gotta protect our Anime Item from all those Joui rebels and madaos and weather ladies outside."
Shinpachi took out the Anime Item from his hakama. It was a sphere the size of a fist that had the two hemispheres locked together with a round buckle. A Pokéball. He held it protectively in his hands. It made you glad that he cared so much about winning the Tournament, because it meant he cared that much about you.
"Don't worry," you told him with a cute smile. "It doesn't matter if we win the Tournament or not. I'll love you all the same."
Shinpachi looked to you in surprise and started stammering, face turning completely red. "I- I love you too, (y/n)!"
Kagura sat down on the couch beside him with eyes hooded in annoyance. "Oi Glasses, just give it up already. You don't even know her name."
"It doesn't matter what her name is! I'll love her all the same!!"
"But Anego said the same thing to a gorilla, yes?" Kagura started picking her nose. "If you treat each other like gorillas, you'll just be a gorilla couple, yes?"
"(y/n)'s not a gorilla! We're saying it 'cause we mean it!"
Kagura eyed the shiny metallic Pokéball in Shinpachi's hands with a hungry look on her face. "Gimme that Pokéball, or I'm gonna poke your balls."
"What?! No way!" Shinpachi leaned away from her, trying to protect all three. "Don't touch my balls!"
"Your Pokéball or your pokey balls? Choose!"
"Gaaaahhhhhh!!! Stay away from me!"
Before he could get up to escape, Sougo slumped down on the other end of the couch. He laid his foot on the coffee table and blocked Shinpachi's escape.
"Megane-san~," said Sougo with a casual grin as he slung his arm over Shinpachi's shoulder. "It shouldn't be such a hard decision, right? What's more important? A tournament... or your life?"
The corner of his Death Note peeked out from his kimono. He glanced to Shinpachi with the unblinking eyes of a sadist, gleaming brilliant crimson in bloodlust.
Shinpachi freed himself from Sougo, face pale and dripping with cold sweat. "N-No, I can't lose already, not when it just started..."
He shifted away, just wanting to get as far away from that sadist as possible but only got closer to Kagura.
"When the Tournament's over, you know we'll still be spending lots of time together, yes?" Kagura gave him a sweet smile, but an evil aura swirled around her.
Shinpachi gulped. He liked it better when they fought each other than when they worked together against him. "You— You wouldn't—"
"Megane-san~, is it that hard to understand? Since this is fanfic, we can do things we're not allowed to do in the anime." Sougo glanced to Kagura and smirked.
Kagura smirked back with a sadism level that didn't lose to her partner-in-crime. "Yeah, do you really wanna find out what we can do?"
The red-eyed sadist licked his lips in anticipation and the blue-eyed sadist started cracking her knuckles. Shinpachi gulped.
"Oi, both of you, stop bullying Patsuan."
Gintoki stepped out of the bathroom with his toothbrush in his mouth. He had just gotten up from bed and was going through his morning routine... even though it was almost dinnertime.
"Gin-san..." Shinpachi looked to his savior with teary eyes.
Gintoki held out his hand. "Just give it to me."
"What? You too?!!" Shinpachi raised his head back and screamed at everyone.
He couldn't take it anymore. Before they could stop him, he leapt over the coffee table to get away. He dashed across the living room and backed into a corner with you by his side. You could see the fear in his eyes as he faced his strong opponents, but he continued to clutch his Pokéball tight in his arms.
The three sadists loomed before him, all with the same evil smiles on their faces. He stared at them, eyes wide like a pair of glasses trapped in a den of glasses-eaters, ready to fight or flee.
Before the sadists could dive in for the kill, they felt a sudden chill in the air. A demon portal opened up behind them. A fourth sadist stepped out.
The other three sadists looked back. Gedoumaru stood behind them, alone.
"Oi, if you're gonna come here, at least come with your partner," said Gintoki.
"I'm not here for Tournament reasons. Just looking for snacks." Gedoumaru fixed her unblinking gaze at you as long wads of drool started dripping from her mouth. "Give me the Pandemonium."
Shinpachi turned to you with clear unwavering eyes. "Don't worry, (y/n). I'll protect you from anyone who wants to eat you, even if it's a demon."
You stared at him, brows furrowed in worry. You didn't want him to get hurt in a fight, not for a worthless Pandemonium like you, but the words couldn't leave your mouth.
Burning with determination, Shinpachi raised his Pokéball high into the air. "Pikachu!!! I choose you!!... or whatever's in there."
The Pokéball split open. A Pokémon named Invisamon came out, whose special move was known as non-existence. That was the ultimate defense, for being inexistent made it safe from all attacks even the most powerful ones. After all, nothing could attack something that didn't exist.
"What?!" Shinpachi screamed at the paragraph above. "That's just a longwinded way to say it's empty!"
And so, with nothing but an empty Pokéball to defend yourselves from the demon, your short-lived love story came to an end with nothing but a simple crunch.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Shinpachi fell to the ground in despair as Gedoumaru chewed on her mouthful with an evil look on her face. "(y/n)!! (y/n)!! (Y/N)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oi, stop saying Your Name, Your Name. You'll make a meteorite fall on your head," said Gintoki as he picked his nose. "It's not like **** died or anything. Look, ****'s still over there on the other side of the fourth wall just staring at us."
"Stop turning (y/n)'s name into a bad word!"
Shinpachi spun around to look into the camera and the tears in his eyes glimmered when he saw you. He smiled in relief, sniffling in joy to see that you were safe and it was all just a weird xReader story. A plane of glass kept the two of you apart. Such was the love between a fictional character and the reader, a love that crossed two worlds.
Gintoki took the opportunity while he was looking away to snatch his Pokéball.
"Hey!!! Give it back!" Shinpachi tried to pry it out of Gintoki's hands. "Was that just a 'Look! Behind you!' trick?!"
Kagura ran over and punched both of them in the guts because she felt like it. The Pokéball slipped out of Gintoki's hands and clattered to the floor as the impact sent them crashing to the wall.
Kagura picked it up.
"HoooyyyyYYYY!!!" She let out a battlecry and threw it like a baseball so fast that it burst into flames.
Gedoumaru held her giant iron club like a bat with a serious look on her face as if she was the final batter in a tied game. She swung at the Pokéball with all her might...
Home run!!!
The ball punched a hole right through the wall. The Yorozuya trio and the demon leapt from the second floor down to the streets below. They ran, chasing after it and trying to push each other back.
Sougo stepped out onto the balcony, but only watched in amusement as they fought over the Pokéball.
Cough.
He grabbed the railings to steady himself as he slumped down onto the staircase. He sat motionless against the railings, listening to the distant sounds of their laughter. The setting sun washed the entire street in gold. Another day was coming to an end.
How many days did he have left before it was all over? A year had only 365 days. His days were too numerous for the Author to calculate with mental math, but small enough to count. How he envied those whose days were still countless.
The sharp pain in his chest grew tighter with every breath. He wasn't going to tell them just yet. If they knew, it wouldn't be the same anymore. All of this would change.
He vowed to himself that no matter how bad things became, he would never change. China, Boss, that pair of glasses and everyone in the Shinsengumi except Hijikata, he wanted to hear their laughter to the end.
It was insignificant moments like these that made him the happiest. If only they could last just a little longer. He wanted every moment of his life to last... Forever.
***
Game 1 Status
Shinpachi x Pandemonium!Reader
***
Next time: "Is it too hard to understand? Since it's a fanfic, we can do things we're not allowed to do in the anime."
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