Episode 4: Brexit

Gintoki sat at his desk with a Shounen Jump magazine, but he wasn't reading it. That would be breaking a promise. He was just holding onto it and staring at the pages.

Shinpachi stood before him with hands balled into fists and brows furrowed in determination. He was still dressed in his United Kingdom costume.

He remained silent for a moment as if unsure how to say it. "I want to exit."

"Hmm? From where?" said Gintoki without looking up from the pages.

"From wherever I am... I guess. It's a bad place and I want out!"

Gintoki dog-eared a page before putting down his manga. He stood up looming tall over Shinpachi. Shinpachi gulped as a bead of sweat dripped down his forehead.

Gintoki stared at him with deadfish eyes. "Okay, bye."

With a kick to the butt, he sent Shinpachi flying out the door. He slid it shut at his face.

Shinpachi sat on the balcony in a pile of snow. The winter wind blew past. He curled up and shivered.

Barely a minute had passed and he already regretted it. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. He only said he wanted to exit so Gin-san would think he was about to go on strike. He only wanted to scare him a bit so he could finally get his salary. To think he got kicked out instead.

Shinpachi let out a long sigh. That sugar-addict was hopeless. He felt stupid for even believing this could work.

He reached for the door, about to open it, but paused. He had already told Gintoki that he was leaving. He already made his decision to exit. He couldn't change his mind just like that.

The image of Gintoki's face appeared in his mind, smirking and looking down at him with mocking eyes.

"Patsuan? What are you doing back so soon?" he imagined Gintoki saying. "I know glasses don't really have balls, but if you say you're gonna do something, you gotta stick to it."

"I'm not a pair of GLASSES!!!" Shinpachi screamed to the sky.

Shinpachi clenched his teeth and trudged through the snowy roads, arms crossed over his chest. His every breath came out as white clouds. The cold air made his nose turn red, but he kept walking.

"I'll show you, Gin-san. I'll show you."

He didn't know where this road would lead. He didn't even know where he was going in a world that suddenly felt so cold and uncertain.

A piece of paper blew in the wind and flew right into his face. Shinpachi stopped in his tracks. He held the paper and stared at it— blank. And he took out a pen.

He did what the British once did when the world was even colder and uncertainty loomed even darker than it was today, when their cities were bombed and the threat of enemy invasion lurked right across the Channel. He made a poster.

Keep calm and carry on

Shinpachi trudged forward step-by-step into the unknown.

[Many of the people who voted Leave didn't even know what the EU was about. As a result, we ended up with Brexit which a lot of people regretted]

***

Episode 5: Pacific Theatre

Kagura slept curled up on a mat beside a plate full of donuts. The sweet fragrance made her dream of food, more food than she could ever finish. Drool dripped from the corner of her mouth as she snored.

Behind her, the sliding doors opened just a crack. A girl with round crimson eyes spied on her prey. Her gaze remained fixated on the pile of donuts as she drooled.

Nobume had evenly trimmed bangs similar to Japan and dressed in a white uniform lined with gold.

Unable resist the temptation, she slid open the door without a sound. She dashed inside with speed to rival a ninja. In a blur, she went back knelling at the doorway, nibbling on the donut that was now in her hands.

She stuffed the entire donut into her mouth and eyed the remaining pile. Kagura continued to snore. The riches sat undefended, while she had none of her own. It beckoned her, tempting her to take it.

And she did, no longer hesitant. Each donut made her crave for more. The sweet taste of victory in her mouth intoxicated her. She never stopped to think about what she was doing. She didn't care about right and wrong anymore. All that mattered was getting her hands on more donuts. All of it.

The last donut sat in the middle of the plate, lonely and vulnerable. Nobume dove for it. She curled her fingers around the sticky crust of sugar. She froze, but remained emotionless.

A pair of fierce blue eyes glared up at her. She woke the sleeping Chinagirl and the Chinagirl wasn't pleased.

Kagura's gaze drifted to the plate and her eyes opened wide in horror.

"MY DONUTTTTSSSS!!!"

Her fist flew towards Nobume's face, but Nobume leapt out of the way.

Nobume crouched at the edge of the room with her hand resting on the hilt of her katana and the last donut clenched in her mouth.

Kagura reached for her umbrella that was supposed to be laying beside her. Nothing there. She spun around, looking frantically, but her weapon was nowhere to be seen.

"You looking for this?"

Sougo stood at the doorway, casually holding up Kagura's purple umbrella.

"Give it!" Kagura rushed over to grab it, but Sougo held it out of her reach.

"Nope~." He looked down at her with a condescending smirk. "You gotta say 'Please give it to me... senpai.'"

Kagura's expression darkened. "You think I'm in the same class as you? Uhn uhn! I learned my own way... with Chinagirl characteristics!"

She tried to pry her umbrella out of Sougo's hands. They wrestled, but Sougo pulled himself free.

"Calm down, comrade~. Now's not the time for us to fight. That crow still has your donut." Sougo lowered his stance, glaring at Nobume with bloodthirsty eyes and held the umbrella ready to attack. "And I still gotta teach her who's stronger."

With that, he charged at Nobume, borrowing Kagura's umbrella as his weapon. Nobume drew her sword and held her blade ready to meet his attack.

Sougo ran towards the enemy without holding back, confident he could defeat her. He ran with swift steps, eyes fixed on his target... and didn't see the empty plate in the middle of the room.

He stepped on it.

The plate skidded against the wooden floor and he flipped in the air, landing on his back, smacking his head hard against the floor.

Sougo laid there with his arms spread out and his eyes all swirly.

Nobume stood beside him, looking down with blank eyes. She poked at him with the tip of her katana as if he was a pile of poop.

The doorway where Kagura used to stand was now empty. Nobume spun around to be met with the sight of Kagura flying down towards her about to kick her in the face.

Kagura used Sougo's diversion to attack. Although unarmed, she knew kungfu.

Nobume sidestepped to avoid her kick. In the opening, Kagura picked up her umbrella from the unconscious Sougo's hand and swung it at Nobume.

Nobume blocked it, pressing her sword against Kagura's weapon. Kagura pushed her blade out of the way and grabbed the donut hanging from her mouth.

She pull at the last donut, but Nobume wouldn't let go. The donut stretched as if made of rubber. "Give it back, you donut-stealer!"

The donut snapped like an elastic band stretched too far. They both ended up with half.

"I didn't steal the donuts. The donuts chose to be in my stomach," said Nobume, chewing on her half of the rubbery, seemingly inedible donut.

"Liar! You never asked the donuts how they felt. You never even gave them a choice! Apologize to all the donuts!"

Kagura swung her umbrella with all her strength. The two of them fought with clashes of blade against umbrella.

Having heard the sound of commotion, Zura came running over. He stood at the entrance, staring at the fight like it was normal, until he noticed Sougo laying in the middle of the room.

Zura's eyes glimmered in joy at the sight of his enemy knocked out on the floor. He hurried over to Sougo's side, dodging Kagura's umbrella swings and Nobume's sword slashes. He stood over Sougo, pointing at him and laughing at his humiliating defeat.

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" He raised his head back in hearty laughter. "This is the fate of all who go against the way of Joui! Feel the wrath of the Joui God!"

Nobume elbowed Zura in the chest when he got in her way. It knocked the breath out of his lungs.

Zura stood back up. Nobume ignored him, continuing her fight. Kagura fought back despite her cuts and bruises. Their movements were so quick that every swing of their weapons was a blur.

In one swift move, Zura took a Nmaibo stick out of his sleeve. "You evil donut-eater! Surrender!!"

He threw the crispy snack at Nobume's face. It exploded into crumbs rising up like a mushroom cloud.

Nobume stood still, completely covered in white powder. She staggered forward and fell and laid on the floor no longer moving.

"I surrender."

Zura left the room with a proud smile on his face, glad to be the hero who saved the day.

[In World War II, Japan tried to steal China's donuts]

***

Episode 6: MAD

Zura ran through the alleys of Edo, looking over his shoulders. He splashed through the puddles, but didn't slow down. The Shinsengumi chased after him. He could hear their voices not too far away.

"This way! After him!" They yelled to each other.

Zura turned a corner into a narrower alley, hoping to lose them off his trail.

He kept running. Suddenly, his footsteps came to a stop.

A brick wall loomed over him, too tall to climb. Zura stood, trapped at the end of the alley.

"Hands up or I'll press it." A familiar voice came from behind.

Zura spun around.

Sougo blocked his only escape. With an innocent smile, he held up a cellphone, one of those antique flip phones. His thumb hovered over a button.

Zura stared at it, surprised for a second. He narrowed his eyes in defiance.

"Oh yeah? Well you're not the only one with the Button." Zura reached into his sleeve and took out  ̶a̶ ̶b̶r̶i̶c̶k̶ ̶  his own cellphone. "If you press it, I'll press it!"

"Pfft. You got a Button too?" said Sougo in a mocking tone. "Oh I'm so scared~."

"You better be! I've pressed it before and I'm not afraid to press it again!!"

"Okay, do it." Sougo glared at him with unyielding eyes. "Press it. Let's see what will happen."

"I'll show you! You think I'm all talk?"

"Nope. I think there's something wrong with your head."

Zura's face turned red at the insult. "I'm not stupid! I'm a genius....and a very stable genius at that!"

"Not that part of your head. I was talking about your hair—"

"It's not a wig! It means a lot to me, you know that? This hairstyle... it's from someone who means a lot to me... And it's better than your hairstyle! "

"Who cares about that?" said Sougo unfazed. "My Button's bigger than your Button."

"Well, my Button has more connections than your Button! Connections!! I got friends all over the world! Beat that!"

Sougo held out his hand and gave a warm smile. "Let's be friends~, da?"

Zura sprang back in horror, holding his arms out in defense. "No collusion! NO COLLUSION!!"

Sougo shrugged. "You go and have fun with your Button. I'll have fun with mine. When it comes down to it, size matters more, you know?"

"Ha! Someone like you will never understand the Power of Friendship!" Zura waved his phone at Sougo's face. "See? Even that donut-girl became my friend and followed me on Twitt—"

BEEP.

Zura's face turned pale. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead. He didn't mean to press it. He wanted to press the home button, but the two were too close together.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Zura fell to his knees, cradling his phone in his hands. A dialogue box popped up on the screen.

< Your message has been sent >

"No! Undo it! Undo it!" He kept punching the back button. "Someone find a t-t-t-time machine! It's the end of the world!!"

Sougo remained calm as Zura panicked. He looked at his own phone with round innocuous eyes.

BEEP.

"Oops~. I pressed it too~"

***

It was a sunny, uneventful day in Edo. Everyone went about their daily business, unaware of what was about to befall them. Gintoki slept in his room as the noonday sun warmed his butt.

Without warning, a strange buzzing sound brought an end to the silence. It was too mechanical to be the sound of a bee. His phone vibrated.

Gintoki groaned and reached groggily for the phone his kept by his bed. A popup appeared on the screen.

< 2 new messages >

He opened his inbox. One was from Zura, the other from Sougo. He opened the two messages and stared at the screen with deadfish eyes. He blinked.

"What the hell...?"

He stared at it a bit more... and went back to sleep.

[Mutually assured destruction (MAD) is the idea that a full-scale use of nuclear weapons by two or more opposing sides would cause the complete annihilation of both the attacker and the defender— that is, the end of the world as we know it. Luckily, the people with the nuclear codes are smarter than Gintama characters... usually]

***

Episode 7:  ̶G̶o̶r̶i̶l̶l̶a̶ ̶  Canada

Hijikata entered Kondo's office in the morning to brief him on the latest Joui activities. When he stepped inside, he saw his Commander sitting cross-legged, dressed in a red Mounties* uniform.

[* Royal Canadian Mounted Police]

"Kondo-san, are you trying to be a Hetalia character too? I don't think that anime has a gorilla in it. Who are you?"

"I'm Canada," said Kondo with a friendly smile.

Hijikata stared at him with hooded eyes for a long time. "Who's Canada?"

***

The sunset washed the ground in orange and casted long shadows across an abandoned industrial area.

The Shinsengumi officers of the First Squad formed a tight circle around an enemy. They held their swords tight in their hands and glared at the trapped criminal.

"Commander Okita! We have him surrounded!" an officer with swirly glasses shouted.

Sougo stepped into view, carrying his bazooka on his shoulder. His smile didn't reach his unblinking red eyes. "America, we meet again."

The man at the center had spiky hair instead of the long hair that Zura was supposed to have. In fact, he was not a man, but a gorilla.

"Sougo? What's going on?" Kondo looked to him with worried eyes. "I'm not America."

"Hands up or I'll press it." Sougo wasn't holding a phone this time. Instead he pointed his bazooka at Kondo's head with his finger on the trigger.

Sweat flowed down Kondo's face. "I'm Canada! Canada!! We don't even look alike!"

"You think a gorilla suit is enough to fool me? I'm not stupid like Hijikata-san*." Sougo readied his bazooka. "Now, die!"

[* Halloween Special]

"Wait, Leader!" Kumanaku stepped forward. "Maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe he's really just an innocent gorilla."

"I'm not a gorilla, I'm Canada!"

Sougo stared at Kondo, unconvinced. "Gorillas don't come from Canada. You're just a gorilla."

"But I'm not a gorilla..."

Sougo tilted his head. "So you admit you're not a gorilla? Then you're America-in-disguise!"

"I'm not a gorilla! I'm not America! I'm Canada— no, I'm your Commander! Your Commander Kondo-san! Gorilla-Stalker! Gori-san!"

"Oh, Gori-san?" Sougo smiled innocently. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

He turned and walked away as his squad members dispersed.

"Everyone, keep searching. That Joui guy might still be around."

Kondo watched as the First Squad went back to work, flipping over rocks and peering into trashcans.

Wavy rivers of tears streamed down his face. "But I'm not a gorilla..."

***

Kondo looked up at a dog with puffy white fur. His eyes teared up and glimmered. Sadaharu towered over him, trying to be a polar bear.

Kondo smiled at his only friend. "Kumajiro, at least you know who I am."

Sadaharu stared back with his round black eyes. With a cute bark, he chomped on Kondo's head.

"Ommphhh!!!" Kondo let out a muffled cry with his head in Sadaharu's mouth.

[Kondo can only be a gorilla]

***

Next time: The boredom from being Soyo's bodyguard has taken its toll and Sougo is gravely ill. Kagura visits him at his deathbed. Meanwhile, a crisis has befallen the Shinsengumi and they desperately need Sougo's help