Hijikata opened his eyes.

He laid on the grass, squinting from the sunlight. A few white clouds drifted across the sky like swirly mayonnaise. The sound of children's laughter came from nearby.

He sat up and stared at the scene before him, blinked, rubbed his eyes... and kept staring.

At the bottom of the hill there sat a small village of clay-tiled cottages surrounded by green fields. The happy villagers lived in their happy homes, going about their daily lives happily. But this wasn't a typical medieval village. Instead of people, they were all mayo.

The man-sized mayo bottles all wore red caps on top and had arms and legs sticking out of them. A few merchant mayos sold vegetables in their stalls. A group of little mayo children ran down the street filled with laughter.

Hijikata's eyes glimmered as he stared mesmerized by the warm glow coming from so much mayo. A glob of drool dripped from the corner of his mouth.

What is this place? Heaven? Did that sadist finally succeed? Have I been reincarnated? He shook his head at the impossibility. No way, only NEETs get reborn into fantasy worlds when they die.

It didn't matter how he got here. He was here in the world of mayo and he could wish for nothing more. 

He stood up, giddy from joy. Just as he was about to run down the hill to join them, an ear-piercing cry of terror came from the mayo village.

"KETCHUP!!!" a mayo-villager screamed.

All of the villagers froze and dropped everything they were doing. They looked to the horizon petrified in fear.

The ground rumbled like the distant thunder of a coming storm. A hoard of ketchup bottles came riding straight towards the village with their broadswords and battleaxes in the air. Their savage cries of battle and the ominous pounding of horses' hooves got louder and closer by the second.

The entire village broke into mass hysteria. The mayo-villagers all started running around in circles waving their arms around. Mouths appeared on the mayo bottles as they screamed. "It's ketchup! They're attacking! We're all gonna dieeeeeeee!!!!"

Hijikata gritted his teeth and clutched the katana at his waist. He had finally found the place of his dreams. Wasn't gonna let anything take that away from him.

Without a moment of hesitation, he charged down the hill.

He ran through the village, past the mayo-babies crying in their mother's arms, the mayo-merchants hiding away all their valuables, and the mayo-families huddled in each other's arms as they braced themselves for impending doom.

Hijikata stopped when he reached the edge of the village and faced the invaders. With his feet planted firmly where he stood, he drew his sword. He held his katana tight in his hands as the ketchup army raced towards him, not slowing down.

The red bottles galloped out of the dust so close that he could smell their tomato stench. Their warhorses foamed at the mouth in madness and their weapons gleamed in the sun. They numbered hundreds.

A bead of sweat streamed down Hijikata's forehead. The enemy loomed over the single samurai as if they were about to mow him down. A lone warrior facing an entire army. That happens all the time in epic fantasy battles. This is an epic fantasy battle, right?

Sweat dripped down Hijikata's face like heavy rain. His knees couldn't stop shaking. The warhorses looked pretty big from up close and the ketchup looked all red and angry.

Just as the enemies were about to come within range of attack, a brilliant white flash of light came from the right. Hijikata looked to the side.

An army of mayo bottles had gathered on a ledge overlooking the battlefield. Not wasting anymore time, they rode their white horses straight towards the enemy with the speed and grace of an arrow. A royal blue flag fluttered behind them with the emblem of a mayo bottle on it. They seemed to emit the glow of pure holiness that could only come from Forces of Light.

The leader led his mayo-army towards the mass of enemies like an arrowhead. He was a mayo bottle like the others, but carried a mayo-bazooka on his shoulder.

As they neared the ketchup army, the mayo-leader fired his mayo-bazooka. A blast of mayo engulfed the entire battlefield with blinding light like an expanding white dome. The evil ketchup bottles screamed in agony as the light consumed them.

The shockwave sent Hijikata flying back, crashing into the village gates. When he opened his eyes, all of the enemies had fallen. The ketchup gushed out from the crushed bottles that littered the earth, flowing across the battlefield like fake blood. 

Hijikata stared, mouth hanging open in awe, his ears ringing from the explosion. He stared at all the blood and guts and guts and blood and blood and guts and...

The villagers broke the silence with cheers of hooray!! They all rushed out of the village to thank their saviors.

Just as Hijikata was about to get up and join them, a mayo bottle stopped before him. The mayo bottle loomed, casting a shadow over him. He was different from all the other mayo bottles. His luxurious long hair grew out from his red cap, soft and white like the creamiest mayo Hijikata had ever seen overflowing from the top. Unlike the others, this one had a face; a face that gave Hijikata the feeling he'd seen him before, but then he noticed the mayo-bazooka the bottle carried on his shoulder. Hijikata's eyes lit up. It was the mayo-leader himself.

Hijikata couldn't take his sparkling eyes off the mayo bottle's greatness. He stared, frozen in awe at the wavy silver hair. The mayo before him was far too rowdy to be called a samurai, but far too dignified to be called a thug. "Who... Who are you?"

"I'm Sou— I mean Griffith, Leader of the Band of Mayo." Sougo-being-Griffith smiled like a child filled with innocent cruelty. "And I shall decide where you'll ultimately die."

Without warning, he pointed his bazooka at Hijikata and fired.

Hijikata threw himself out of the way, screaming in horror. The blast only seared the sleeve of his uniform.

The fake Griffith looked down at him and pouted in disappointment. "Dammit. Missed again."

Hijikata stared at the gaping hole in the wall where he used to be. His face twitched in fright and his mouth twisted in disbelief. It wasn't just a hole. More like a tunnel through all of the cottages that stood behind it. Smoke rose from the edges.

"You trying to kill me like that sadist?!!" he screamed at the disguised Sougo. "W-What do you want?!!"

"Guts." Sougo fixed his sadistic gaze on Hijikata as he slid his katana out of its sheath. "I want your guts~."

And so they fought.

Sougo tried to gut him and Hijikata tried not to get gutted. They came to a compromise that Sougo could have his guts along with whatever was outside those guts.

That was how Hijikata's guts came to join the Band of Mayo.

***

"I need you to kill someone for me, Guts."

Sougo-dressed-in-mayo sat on a wooden chair by the fireplace with his feet on the table. The orange light of the flames illuminated his innocent face.

"What?! I'm your henchman now?!" Hijikata yelled at him. "Let's get this straight. You don't give orders to me. I give orders to you."

"It's not an order, you walking pile of guts." Sougo took out his mayo-bazooka and pointed it at Hijikata with a friendly smile. "I'm just asking a favor. You don't have to do it~."

Hijikata stared at the nozzle of the bazooka with twitching brows. A bead of sweat crawled down his forehead. "W-Who do you want me to kill?"

"Count Julius of Tabasco." Sougo put away his bazooka. "You know him?"

Ever since Hijikata joined the Band of Mayo, they had fought victory after victory and earned recognition from the King himself. But mayonnaise was a commoner sauce and the aristocratic sauces of the King's Court would never accept a commoner in their midst. With Count Julius as leader, the noblemen had made attempts on Sougo's life. As a result, Sougo and that bottle of hot sauce had been doing a bunch of court intrigue stuff against each other.

Hijikata sighed and sauntered out of the room. He was doing this for his Band of Mayo... for Mayo-chan, the mayo-girl he met there and loved. He'd do anything for them.

"Good luck!" Sougo called after him with a cheerful grin. "Hope you don't make it back alive~!"

***

The castle was quiet at night. Hijikata slipped through the dark stone hallways undetected by the guards. He ran as swift as the cold draft blowing through the tunnels, past the tapestries and oil painting hanging on the walls.

He knew the exact location of his target's chamber. Didn't need a map or a GPS to tell him the way. He knew exactly where he was going.

His footsteps came to a sudden halt and he shakily turned his head. He took a few steps back to a painting hanging on the wall. That painting... He stared at it through narrowed eyes. That painting of tabasco playing poker... He knew he'd seen it before... Actually, he saw it more than once. More like ten times...

Have I been running around in circles?!!!

No, he wasn't lost. He knew exactly where he was and where he was going. Probably just made a wrong turn somewhere. No way he'd ask for directions. He wasn't lost.

Hijikata stopped the first guard he saw. "I'm not lost or anything like that, but how do I get to the Count's chamber? Just asking. I'm not lost."

"Oh, you go straight until the first right," said the guard dressed in a hot sauce costume. "Then turn left, then left again, then right, then left, then left, then right, then left, then right, then right, then left, then take the stairs up, walk sideways until you end up upside-down, and it'll be the door to your right."

"What is this?! An Escher painting?!!"

"Wait. Who are—" The guard looked to Hijikata, but Hijikata had already disappeared.

He shrugged. Too stupid to be an assassin. Probably just a new hire.

***

Hot sauce dripped from Hijikata's blade, gleaming red in the light of the fireplace.

He stood in dimly lit chamber, looming over the corpse of Count Julius. He stared down with the cold eyes of a demon, his face a solemn mask.

The sauce had splashed across the carpet and splattered onto Hijikata's dark cloak. He wiped away the red liquid on his cheek.

Time to get out of here.

Before he could leave the room, the sound of a single pair of footsteps stopped outside the door. Hijikata glance back, staring at the tall ornate door with wide open eyes.

The handle turned slowly.

The door creaked open.

Hijikata pressed against the wall beside the doorway. Before the intruder could step in, Hijikata attacked without a moment of hesitation. He rushed out and stabbed his sword through the chest of his enemy, pushing him out into the hallway against the wall.

He looked down at his victim and his eyes opened wide in horror. Lying under him, impaled by his blade was a miniature bottle of tabasco like those "hot sauce to go" bottles that spicy food addicts would always carry around. A little boy. The Count's son.

Hijikata pulled out his sword with a numb look on his face. The hot sauce gushed from the gaping wound at the center of the bottle. As if in a trance, Hijikata pressed his hand on it, trying to stop the bleeding, but the sauce continued to drain out.

The little hot sauce boy gasped a dying breath and died.

Hijikata stared down at his trembling hands, at the sticky red liquid that dirtied his hands. It gave him the terrible urge to run to the sink and wash it, but he knew that nothing could wash away his sins. He didn't want to do this anymore. He wanted to get away from all of it— the pain, the death, the sauce. He hated it.

A drop of water fell onto his hands and got swallowed into the red liquid. His tears dripped from his eyes. Crying? For tabasco?

It wasn't mayo that spilled onto the floor, so why was he crying? But tabasco and mayo... they really weren't all that different. And the thought of tabasco... it was just something, something inside him that hurt so much.

A chuckle escaped his throat. Really, he wasn't the type to cry over spilled hot sauce. This wasn't like him at all.

With a deep breath, he pulled himself back to his feet. He wiped his eyes with the side of his hand. The hot sauce mixed with his tears and—

"Gaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! It burns!!"

***

The windows flew open with a clatter and the cold wind of late autumn blew into the room. Sougo the Mayo Bottle stood on the windowsill of the Princess's bedroom. The light of the moon shined against his back and the flames of the fireplace danced across the face.

A young woman came to the window wearing a puffy dress decorated with lace and trimmings. She only stared at him with eyes hooded in annoyance.

"Oi, the door's over there." Princess Kagura pointed back. "Stop pretending to be a ninja."

"Stupid Chinagirl, you think I can just stroll into a princess's room in the middle of the night?" Sougo stepped onto the floor and made his way toward her. "Your dad will kill me if he finds out."

Sougo stood right before Kagura. The moonlight casted his face in shadow. He stood so close that she could feel the warmth coming from his body despite the chill that lingered in the air. But he only stood there.

"What are you doing here, Sadist? You lonely and need a hug? But you got friends, yes?" Kagura raised her chin and looked down at him with a mocking grin. "I mean those mayo bottles are supposed to be your friends, yes?"

"They're not my friends. Just mayo~."

"What about that mayo addict who's always drooling over your mayo wig? You two are more than just friends, yes?"

"That bastard chickened out on me and ran away." Sougo rolled his eyes. "Didn't even leave his guts behind."

"Then go drag him home like you're his wife or something. Your lovers' quarrel got nothing to do with me."

Sougo stood in silence. The wind rattled the windowpanes and made the flames flicker. Without warning, he clasped his hands over her shoulders, his fingers digging into her back.

Kagura narrowed her eyes at him, a vein throbbing on her forehead. "Oi, stop spreading your sadist germs."

"Is it too hard to understand?" His voice was calm, but had an edge of desperation.

They're eyes met. His unblinking gaze locked into hers, his mesmerizing irises that she couldn't look away from. They gleamed the brightest crimson, emitting a light of their own like two glowing rubies.

He lowered his head and strands of light brown hair fell over his eyes. His mouth curled up into a slight smile. His voice became soft to a whisper.

"Since it's a fanfic, we can do things we're not allowed to do in the anime."

He leaned forward with parted lips, gazing down at her through his pale eyelashes, never wavering.

Kagura looked up at him with her clear blue eyes. An unknown force seemed to pull her forward...

So she let it guide her.

Just as their lips were about to touch—

"Do BDSM with me!!" Sougo shouted earnestly.

"..." Kagura only stared at him. Her eyes twitched. "NO WAY!!"

She punched him right in the face.

The impact sent Sougo flying back. It knocked him right out of the window, but grabbed Kagura's wrist. Kagura lurched forward and lost her balance.

A mean grin stretched across Sougo's face. If I'm gonna fall, I'm dragging you down with me. He held on with all his strength.

Kagura tumbled out of the window. She reached up with her free hand, desperate to grab onto something. Her fingers latched onto the windowsill. 

The two idiots hanged from the top of a tower high above the rest of the castle. The chilly wind whipped past them from this dizzying height.

Sougo sneaked a peek below. He couldn't see the ground from all that fog; nothing beneath his feet. The emptiness felt like it was sucking him down. He could hear the fog whisper to him. Doooooom... His eyes became all swirly.

"I'm gonna fall! I'm gonna fall!!" Sougo freaked out. "S-S-Save me Kagura, you bastard!!!"

"Let go! Don't worry about me! Just let go!" Kagura tried to shake him off, but Sougo held tight, never letting go as she swung him.

"Ahhhhggggggg!! Shut up and help meee!!!" he screamed at her. "You already said that joke in episode one! It's only funny the first time!"

"You're a Super Sadist!Just use your sadist superpowers or something!!"

"I'm a sadist... but only because I'm so insecure inside!"  

"But you climbed all the way up here, yes? How did you climb to my window if you're so scared of heights?"

"I don't know! I don't know anymore!!" Sougo lashed out. "Why are we doing a Berserk parody?! Why am I dressed like mayo?! Nothing makes sense!!! I'm gonna fall and get crippled!"

"But you're Griffith!" Kagura yelled back. "You're supposed to get crippled!!"

"No way! I don't have the Behelit 'cause that stupid koala took it for her stupid tournament! How do I become an Apostle without it?!!"

The windowsill came apart from the weight. One of the nails fell out and they slipped, stopping with a jolt, hanging only by the remaining nail.

"AHHHGGLFLFKYGCTKCYGLFKYGCTKULFKYGCTKHGYLFKYGCTKFYHG!!!!!!!" Sougo wrapped his arms tight around her legs, clinging on for dear life. 

"HEEEEEEEEELP!!!!"

To be continued...

:)

***

Character Complaint Corner

Author: Hello! It's time for another Complain Corner. The complainant this time is... the Author!

Shinpachi: What?! The Author can't complain here!! She'll just end up talking to herself!

Kagura: But crazy koalas talk to themselves all the time, yes?

Author: Shut up glasses, it's my corner. This is a corner where anyone can complain. Including me, let's see... What should I begin with? First of all, school is being a bitch.

Author: Yes, I know educational institutions can often transform into female dogs, but one day you'll realize that school was just pretending to be a bitch to prepare you for the real bitch called life. Rest assured, after you graduate you'll miss the fake one. So, based on that, your complaint is... rejected!!

***

Next time:

https://youtu.be/XkDYnXTBrI8