Zac

My mouth fell open, somewhat slack-jawed, as I stared at Cate like a dumbass. Shock overwhelmed me. Then came joy. Followed by anguish, uncertainty, and longing.

This hailstorm of conflicting emotions barreled through me as Cate's question hung between us.

Holy shit.

After Cate kissed me on the beach, everything happened so fast that I could hardly believe my good fortune. I couldn't believe that Cate still wanted to fuck me. I couldn't believe that she still wanted me. That she would want something more from me other than sex.

In an ideal world, I abso-fucking-lutely wanted to start something more with Babygirl, to reclaim my place at her side, to have every right to love her, touch her, talk to her, whenever the fuck my heart desired.

God, that would be some kind of heaven.

Sadly, though, we didn't live in an ideal world. I lived in reality. I was no longer a lovesick teenager who could afford to throw himself at Cate's feet. I was older now, a little wiser, and far more cautious. I remembered what it felt like to lose Cate. Watching her disappear from my life again simply wasn't an option. That hellish ordeal wasn't something I wanted to ever experience again.

I had other reasons holding me back as well.

Reasons—that had nothing to do with Cate.

Reasons—that had everything to do with my dad and Virginia Esposito.

As I gazed over to Cate's beautiful face, I wanted nothing more than to be as honest as possible with Babygirl. She had taken the first step to initiate this hard conversation, after all, and I hoped to be as open as possible with her. Our secrets and lack of trust in one another was what had driven us apart in the first place. To this day, I still regretted the way our relationship and friendship had fizzled out.

Quietly, I started, "To be honest, Cate, my feelings for you—"

She looked back at me with an anxious expression, waiting for me to continue.

"Haven't changed all that much."

Cate's hazel eyes grew wider as she gasped, "Really?"

"A part of me will always be yours," I muttered, "even when we're not together."

"Oh, God, Zac," she confessed with a shy smile, "I feel the same about you."

I grimaced at her smile. I hadn't meant to get her hopes up. I rushed to add, "But I don't know if it's a good idea for us to rush into anything. There's still some shit that I need to work through. On my own."

I wasn't lying at all here. I really did have a lot of shit to work through. On my own. I refused to drag Cate back into my mess until I could be sure that the dust had settled.

I had plans, you see.

Plans—for the men who were still in the clear and thriving in the upper echelons of society. Men who took advantage of girls like Lily Sinclair and women like Virginia Esposito in the same way Harvey Waldron and my dad had done.

The smile on Cate's face wavered slightly. "Is it because of your... depression?"

I shook my head. "That shit comes and goes. Some days I feel like a god. Other days I feel like hell. I'm more aware of the cycles, though, so the bad days don't affect me as much as they used to. The last thing I want is to become someone else's burden."

I was learning to become stronger on my own. I'd made a lot of progress since Cate and I broke up, but I knew I still had a long way to go.

Cate's eyes popped with alarm. "You were never a burden!"

The corner of my mouth quipped up. "Says the girl who ran to the other side of the country to get away from me."

She shot me a halfway-guilty and halfway-exasperated look. "Zac..."

"I'm kidding," I murmured. Kind of kidding. I made a quick recovery, "Seriously, though, I get it. You took on way more than your fair share. I know I leaned on you too much. Our relationship wasn't... balanced."

With a fierce expression, Cate whispered, "The shit we went through together might have been hard as hell, but, trust me, Zac, I'd do it all over again for you in a heartbeat."

My breath caught for a moment. "I believe you."

Our gazes locked as we shared a look of longing. Cate glanced away first and cleared her throat. "How's therapy going?"

I shrugged. "Therapy has been... helping. It puts me in a better headspace whenever I'm spiraling."

"Oh, wow. I'm happy for you, Zac. Your new therapist must be really good."

"Dr. Santos is pretty great, but..."

"But?"

"I think timing is key. I wasn't really motivated to change back at the Iris-Cowan Center. Dr. Jalloh couldn't help me because I didn't want her help. It's different now, though. I'm ready to change. I want Dr. Santos to help me change."

"What about your ep—" Cate coughed and stopped mid-sentence. "Nevermind. You don't have to answer that one right now."

I sensed she was about to bring up my cutting but stopped herself.

I decided to put her mind at ease, "I haven't been hurting myself. Don't worry."

The relief on her face was apparent. "Thank God."

I was proud to report that I hadn't hurt myself since that one time in Wellesley before my accident.

She asked again with some hesitation, "Are you still trying to get all your memories back?"

"Somewhat," I replied, keeping my answer truthful but purposely vague.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I still want my memories back, but I hate stressing about it," I answered in a slow, careful manner. "Sometimes, a word or picture or place will trigger something inside me. I'll recall a moment or feeling without even trying, so I try to follow that flow. If it comes back to me, great. If not, fuck it."

She glanced down and mumbled, "What about our time together at Ashton Wellesley? How much to do you remember about... us?"

I reached over to place my fingers on her chin, tilting her face back towards me as I gazed into her eyes.

Intently, I murmured, "I may not remember everything, but I know that we went through hell and back together. What we had was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love."

Cate's eyes grew misty. Her lower lip began to quiver. In faint tones, she sighed sadly, "Once-in-a-lifetime? When you say it like that, it sounds like we won't get another chance to be together."

"I just don't want us to hurt each other again."

"I agree completely."

"You deserve a guy who can hold his own around you. I want to be that for you." My chest brimmed with resolve as I vowed, "If I ever get to call you mine again, I don't plan on losing you. Ever."

Cate eyed me with uncertainty. "So... where does that leave us now?"

"I don't know about you, but I'd like to start talking more, even after we leave Hawaii, and see where fate takes us."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

A ghost of a smile appeared on her face. "Fine. We'll do things your way. Take it slow. See where this goes."

As Cate gazed up at me with bright eyes full of trust and hope, a pang of guilt struck me.

Because there was something else that I was keeping from her: I also wanted to take things slow because I didn't know where my future would take me, and I needed to protect Cate from what I was about to do.

Over the past two years, I had been working on redeeming my dad's crimes. All my free time in between classes and coursework and therapy sessions had been dedicated to this secret obsession. After hacking into Virginia Esposito's ties to my dad's colleagues, I had stumbled on a goldmine of names and evidence that could, potentially, expose many powerful men in politics and business and entertainment as sexual deviants and offenders. I needed to be smart about it, though. These were some very powerful individuals, one careless move on my part, and they would come after my ass to silence me.

Or worse.

Over the next year, I intended to expose their asses under my anonymous online pseudonym, th3_vnkn0wn, to leak this evidence to the press and public, in strategic increments. I never meant to withhold something so big from Cate, but Bea, Evonne, and Trick were waiting for us in the living room. We didn't have all day to talk. I prayed this shady, little side project of mine wouldn't come back later to bite me in the ass.

Cate lifted her hand to caress my cheek. Instinctively, I leaned into her touch and away from my thoughts. Softly, she said, "You deserve a girl who can hold her own around youas well, Zac. I want to be that girl for you."

I groaned hoarsely, "You've always been too good for me, Caterina Donati. Why are you so fucking amazing?"

She arched an eyebrow at me. "I was born this way?"

I laughed quietly, chiding, "Brat."

Cate didn't hesitate to quip back, "Punk."

I smirked. "As long as you let me in your bed, you can call me whatever the hell you want."

A naughty gleam entered Cate's eyes. "I guess you'll be staying in my room until we leave Hawaii?"

Wrapping my arms around her tight, I taunted shamelessly, "Just try to kick me out. See what happens. I dare you."

She snuggled into my embrace and sighed, "I don't wanna go yet, but we should get our asses out there. Everyone's waiting on us."

I sighed, too, "Yeah, I know."

She side-eyed me. "Are we planning to say anything about... us? I'm pretty sure everyone already figured out that we're fucking."

"Nah," I said, "let them speculate. But I'll try to keep the PDA to a minimum so Trick doesn't burst a blood vessel."

"Fuck Trick! Let's just do whatever the hell we want," Cate laughed and grabbed my hand, tugging me toward the door. "Come on. Time to get this party started!"