Cate

For the rest of the week, smiles couldn't seem to reach my eyes. I could lie to the world, but I couldn't lie to myself.

I wasn't okay.

I hadn't been okay since my last phone conversation with Zac.

But I pretended to be fine.

I pretended to be excited about graduation. About college. About the upcoming holidays.

About my birthday.

I turned eighteen right before Christmas.

Amari and Nat flew down to DC on the sly, and Bea went out of her way to pick them up from the airport so they could surprise me for my special day.

Sure enough, on Friday night, my main bishes burst through the front door of my dad's house with their suitcases in tow.

Nat and Amari squealed at the same time, "Happy birthday, Cate!"

My jaw fell agape when I saw them. "Holy shit. What are you two doing here?"

Bea smirked at my reaction, "Surprise, bitch."

"Was this your idea?" I demanded from my sister.

Bea shook her head. "Not really, Amari was the mastermind."

Amari shrugged. "I couldn't have pulled it off without Bea, though."

"Let's be real. I only agreed to help because Cate's been downright depressing to be around lately," Bea griped before turn to me, "you better cheer up after all the trouble I went through to get Amari and Nat here!"

Once my initial shock passed, a smile slowly spread across my face. The fact that Bea had noticed my moods at all was surprising and sweet.

I glanced at her gratefully. "Thanks for making this happen. It's almost like you care about me or something."

My sister rolled her eyes and waved us away. "Or something. Anyway, I'm going to bed."

My smile widened. "See ya, bestie."

"Whatever, losers."

Bea headed up the stairs. Ever since our move to DC, my relationship with my sister grew even stronger. On the surface, we were still kind of bitchy to each other, but, underneath the snark and attitude, there was a burgeoning bond, a growing trust, and that shit felt downright... sisterly.

Weird, I know.

With a laugh, I turned back to Amari and Nat. "What the fuck! I can't believe the two of you are really here!"

For once, Nat had left her auburn hair undyed in all its fiery red glory. She wore an oversized lavender, green, and turquoise tie-dye hoodie with white leggings and some white Nike Air Force 1's.

Meanwhile, Amari had shot up a few inches since we last saw each other. Lithe and statuesque, she was now tall enough to be a model, towering elegantly over Nat and me and looking as posh as ever in a camel-colored Ted Baker wool wrap coat with a vintage band tee and a pair of black leather pants and red-soled stilettos.

"We couldn't let you turn eighteen without us!" exclaimed Amari.

Grinning, they handed over three beautifully wrapped gift boxes. A pink one from Amari, a green one from Nat, and a blue one—

"The blue one is from both of us," Nat chirped. "Just don't open it in front of other people."

I arched an eyebrow at them as I accepted the presents. "Why not?"

A knowing smirk appeared on Amari's mouth. "Because it's NSFW—"

"What?"

"Not safe for work."

"Uh..."

"It's a vibrator," Nat blurted out with a naughty, nervous giggle.

Amari rolled her eyes and growled, "Oh, my God! Nat! Way to ruin the surprise!"

I chuckled, "You guys are such perverts! I love it!"

Our reunion was a much needed one. So many variables had changed since I left Wellesley, yet, I was grateful that, despite the fights and misunderstandings we endured not so long ago, Nat and Amari continued to show up as true friends in my life.

We huddled together in a three-way embrace. I hugged my girls tight as my eyes stung with emotion. I was so happy to see them. It was the first time I felt joyful, genuinely so, since my break up with Zac.

"How long will you guys be in town?" I asked.

Nat replied, "Just for the weekend."

"Where are you guys staying?"

Amari shared, "At the Winfeld on 16th. You should crash with us!"

I grinned. "Oh, I'm there!"

The Winfeld was a part of an international luxury hotel and resort chain that Amari's family owned. Amari and Nat were probably going to live like queens in the penthouse suite, and I didn't want to miss out on the perks. The hotel was only about ten minutes away from our place in Woodley Park, so I didn't think Andrea or my dad would have a problem with me ducking out for a few days.

On Saturday, I took my girls around for tons of sightseeing. We fangirled over the pandas at the Smithsonian Zoo and gawked at the Hope Diamond in the Smithsonian Museum. I also took this time to catch up on Nat and Amari's plans after graduation.

Nat was applying to MIT and Caltech, and she was incredibly stressed about the possibility of getting denied by both of her top picks.

"I hate the waiting, the not knowing," Nat lamented. "I swear to God, the anxiety is giving me hives!"

"You're gonna get in," I assured her, "don't even worry about it! You're the smartest mofo I know."

"Seriously!" Amari echoed my sentiment. "If MIT and Caltech reject someone like you, Nat, then the rest of us might as well give up on life."

Nat laughed weakly. "Thanks, I think?"

Amari shot back, "Don't you dare doubt yourself, bish."

"But I can't help doubting myself. There's too much at stake. I worked so hard to get to this point," Nat groaned with downcast eyes, "and my parents sacrificed everything for me. For years, they each worked two jobs to pay for my Ashton Wellesley tuition. My scholarship only covered, like, half of that shit. You guys know that we're not rich. I can't fail. I can't afford to let them down!"

"Let me help with some of your tuition, then. You still have one last semester at Ashton Wellesley, right?" I murmured.

Nat tossed me an exasperated look. "Cate, we've been over this before, you know how I feel about taking money—"

"You can pay me back whenever you become a rich and famous biochemist."

Nat's heart had been set on majoring in biochemistry for years, and she was fucking brilliant at it. The Nobel Prize winning female biochemist, Gertrude Elion, was her end-all-be-all one true goddess. Elion's work led to the creation of the AIDS drug, AZT, and the development of the first immunosuppressive drug, which could be used to counteract the human body's rejection of organ transplants. Nat wanted to follow in Elion's footsteps and research game-changing, life-saving medicines that could improve the lives of humanity as a whole.

"For real, Nat," Amari joined in, "give us a chance to invest now before you blow up big time! You're gonna discover the cure for cancer or something, I just know it!"

"You guys know that I'm too damn proud to take your money," Nat countered with a smile, "but I appreciate it. Truly, I do."

This wasn't the first time Amari and I had offered to assist Nat with her finances. Nat was stubborn, though, and always refused us.

"Money troubles aside," Nat sighed, "I dunno how much longer I can live with this MIT and Caltech stress."

"You'll know in about a month," I said to encourage her. "Admission letters are coming soon. We're all in the same boat. There's not much we can do except... wait."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Nat mumbled, scratching the pinkish-reddish rash on her arm. "I get itchy every time I think about it, though."

I pouted. "Growing up sucks, doesn't it? I feel like everything keeps getting more and more intense, but we don't get a chance to work through the old shit that's still holding us down."

Nat nodded with a forlorn expression. "It just keeps piling up, for sure."

Amari echoed in agreement, "Adulting is the absolute worst. It makes me miss being sixteen and too stupid to know better."

At this, I noticed a shift in Amari's usual confident demeanor. Her expression grew taut and her dark eyes lost a bit of shine.

I side-eyed Amari curiously. "What's going on with you, bish?"

Amari wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Ugh! Don't even get me started. You know how my parents are obsessed with me becoming a doctor? Well, now, on top of that shit, my dad wants me to get engaged to this guy who's supposedly related to a Saudi Prince."

"Your dad wants you to get engaged to a stranger?" Nat prompted with wide eyes.

"I keep telling them to that it's not happening," Amari grumbled, "but they won't listen."

"What does Archie think about this whole situation?"

Amari and Archie had been dating on and off since junior year of high school. I was aware of how much he meant to my friend. He was her first love, her first serious boyfriend.

Amari fell silent for a moment before confessing, "Archie and I broke up last month."

I winced. "Shit, I'm sorry to hear it."

Amari shrugged. "It's fine, I guess. I'm sad to let him go, Archie is such a sweet guy, but we didn't apply to any of the same schools, anyway, and I feel, like, I'm too young to be tied down by long distance, you know?"

She proceeded to shoot me a wary look. "No offense to you or Zac."

"None taken," I responded a bit too breezily, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat. I'd yet to update my girls about the recent developments regarding Zac and me. They were aware of the break up, but, as far as Nat and Amari knew, Zac and I remained on good terms and would likely be getting back together any day now. Only I knew this assessment couldn't be further from truth, and the awareness of it stung acutely.

My life needed to go on, one way or another, without Zac.

Suddenly, I was overcome with the need to know how Amari planned to address the unknowns in her future. Perhaps, she could provide some much-needed insight on how to tackle the unknowns in my life?

"If your parents' wishes weren't part of the equation, what would you do after graduation?" I asked.

My question was directed at Amari, but, in a way, it was for my benefit, too.

Silently, I asked myself: If Zac wasn't part of the equation, what would I do after graduation?

Amari didn't stutter in her response. "I'd go to Paris."

My eyebrows lifted. "Paris? I thought you were planning on Harvard for pre-med?"

"That's the plan, for now, but I-I also applied to... ESMOD. Secretly, of course. It was a last-minute decision. I submitted my portfolio to them right before their deadline.

Located along the border of Paris, ESMOD was one of the top fashion design schools in the world. It was also hard as hell to get in. With over 170 years of history, ESMOD provided an elite education in fashion design, traditional couture, costume design and accessories, and business fashion.

"Wow," I whistled, "that's ballsy as hell!"

Amari grimaced. "I know, right? My parents would kill me if they found out."

"You're so badass, Riri," Nat breathed out in awe. "I think that's fucking awesome! You actually went after your dream!"

Nat was right.

Amari was a badass.

For Amari to even consider rebelling against her parents was no small feat. I had met Mr. and Mrs. Kleinschmidt-Shah on many occasions, and, each time, they left a lasting impression on me. Amari's mother was a tiger mom in every sense of the stereotype, and her father could be a bit of an old school tyrant. They doted on Amari, but they also did everything in their power to bend her to their will. My friend's resolve inspired me. It also prompted me to reflect on my own lack of direction in life. I was sick of feeling so sad and lost, but—what was my dream?

Did I still want to go to Stanford?

Not as much as I used to.

Did I still want to become a big shot corporate lawyer?

Not really.

I mean, I still wanted to go into law, maybe even politics, but my ambitions had little to do with making money anymore. Thoughts of Lily Sinclair and Virginia Esposito ruled my mind. Those bitches deserved justice. Their stories needed to be heard by the public. Men like Harvey Waldron had escaped vilification and punishment for far too long. For once, I wanted to see evil go down in flames. I wanted to wrangle out the ugly truth for the world to see, to judge, and to rectify.

However, it was terrifying to think about changing gears. I didn't know whether to stick with my Stanford dream, which I'd been working toward for years, or forge a new path towards the unknown.

Curiously, I inquired, "Let's say ESMOD and Harvard both accept you, which one would you choose?"

Amari answered, "ESMOD. In a heartbeat. It's not even a competition. Although, my parents will probably disown me."

"Don't worry about your parents disowning you," I offered half-jokingly, half-seriously, "you can come live with me."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"More, like," Amari teased, "you guys should come stay with me because I'm gonna be in motherfucking Paris, bishes!"

Nat gasped in delight, "Done!

Happily, I cheered, "Deal!"

After dinner, we went back to Amari's penthouse suite at the Winfeld. The rest of our evening carried on in a playful, teasing manner. Nat and Amari's surprise visit was turning out to be a blessing. Simply by showing up, they reminded me that there was more to life than Zac. Clearly, we were all stressed and unhappy about one thing or another, but, at least, we had each other during this muddling time between the end of adolescence and the start of adulthood. It was nice to have company on this uncertain journey.

Girlfriends were amazing like that.

Nat and Amari's determination to follow through on their ambitions put things in perspective for me. I was thankful for the reminder that—even though a part of me might always remain broken up over my beautiful brown-eyed boy—I was only eighteen, my whole life was ahead of me, and simply surviving wasn't enough. I couldn't stop thriving simply because love had failed me.

I was Cate-motherfucking-Donati, damn it, and I aspired to become a badass boss-level bitch in my own right. Just like Nat and Amari.

I was beginning to realize that the core of my identity couldn't revolve around being Zac's safety net. He had become such a significant fixture in my day-to-day routine. A permanent occupant in my angsty, little heart. After all the euphoric highs and traumatic lows we navigated together, there was no denying our soul-deep connection, definitely as each other's first loves and even now as friends. Yet, our messy history and messier feelings for one another weren't healthy. They continually left me feeling confused and unsettled.

Zac might be a part of me, but I couldn't let him become all of me.

The nightly phone calls?

The daily texts?

They were getting to be kind of overwhelming. I was constantly prioritizing his needs over my own.

My heart fluttered uneasily.

High school graduation was only a few months away. College was very much on the horizon. If I ended up at a top tier school, like Stanford or Georgetown, I simply couldn't be as available to Zac unless I was willing to fail my classes.

Was it possible for me to support him without sacrificing my sense of self?

Or my education?

Once upon a time, I hoped that love would be enough to sustain us. At present, this hope of mine was dwindling by the second. Our story wasn't meant to be a fairytale. Our story was rooted in real life, and, sadly, happy endings weren't a guarantee since Zac had his own shit to tackle.

So did I.