Chapter 25 Haven
My fingers drum restlessly against the tops of my thighs as I bite my lip and tap my toe regularly to a beat I'm not conscious of. I feel restless and upset, unable to sit still with the knowledge that Chase is in one of the rooms just on the other side of the door.
When we found the compass back at Stonehenge, it became clear that the instrument didn't actually point North. The compass app on Anne's phone showed a different direction, so we inferred that, to find Carmine Isle, we should follow the strange compass instead of actually heading North. After deciding this, our next course of action became clear.
Anne left with Garret and Chase, ready to get him to the hospital as quickly as possible. I wanted to go with them, but I didn't want to slow Anne down, and my father was staying, so I decided it would be best to let them go by themselves. I watched them fly off into the night from among the stones, torn between wanting to leave with Chase, and knowing that it would only hinder them.
We buried Matthew in the field next to Stonehenge using my dad's magic to clear a grave. It was an emotional time. Morgan couldn't even watch, while her daughter looked on with dead eyes. I felt a few tears trickle down my face as Dad smoothed the dirt back over the site, and more when he made the grass grow back. Matthew was really and truly gone. I remember wondering how Chase would handle it.
Now we sit outside his hospital room, anxiously waiting for approval to see him. It's been hours, and I can feel myself start to drift off into dreamland, but I force myself to stay awake. I need to see Chase. I won't miss him. My sane mind chastises me for this attachment, but, in my tired state, I don't have the motivation to challenge it.
"The Anderson family?" A nurse calls, exiting the patient ward. "You may see him now, he's awake. You were lucky. With the kind of vitamin deficiencies he had. . . She shakes her head. "Come with me, one at a time.
Morgan goes in first, an anxious, maternal expression on her face. I watch her step into the hallway, catching a glimpse of the doors beyond. Chase is behind one of them. And I can't get to him. I feel the compelling need to protect him, to run to him and throw my arms around his neck. I want to be there for him, but I know that I must let Morgan, Kara, and Garret see him first, as they're practically family to him now. So I wait in silence as they go in one at a time.
Anne follows after Garret, unwavering and sure as she walks. But when she comes out, her eyes are stained with tears and her lips are trembling. She swallows, hard, before pulling herself together and walking straight for me.
"Chase, he-" her voice cracks and she breaks off. "Chase is asking for you."
Everyone turns to look at me, curiosity in their eyes. But all the same, my heart leaps as I bite my lip and follow the nurse into the hallway. Chase. They're letting me see him, finally. Somehow I feel both relief and apprehension. The stares of the other clan members bore into my back as I walk.
Chase's door is the third one on the left, right beside a fake potted plant that, for some reason, I instantly loathe. It's just another reminder of how cold and plastic everything is around here. I tell myself to calm down and not take my frustration out on the decor as the nurse opens the door and beckons me in. With a deep breath I step into the small room, hearing a click behind me as I we are left alone.
The first thing I notice are the drawn curtains, which strain keep out the light that spills from between the sill and the fabric. The sun has risen already, reminding me that I haven't slept in over twenty four hours. The color of the walls make the light look blue, which casts a quiet, calm look about the place.
Chase lies in a narrow bed at the far end of the room, barely sitting up. Three metal contraptions are gathered around him, each with some kind of numbered reading on it. I notice a transparent bag hung upside down on a frame that regularly drips liquid down a tube into Chase's wrist. There is a steady beeping sound; a heart monitor. For a second I just listen to the beat of it, preparing myself and exhaling slowly as I bring my eyes up to meet Chase's.
He looks awful, just like he did when he was unconscious. His skin is pale, his eyes sunken, the proud tilt of his head bowed with misery. A clean, white bandage adorns his left arm, which hangs in a sling from the shoulder. The skin of the boy's neck strains over his prominent collar bones, making him look gaunt and unhealthy. Somehow the act of overcasting must've drained his body of all sustenance. But the moment I see him, I completely look over his physical state to just rejoice over the fact that he's alive. Chase is still breathing, and that's what matters.
"Chase," I whisper, stepping closer to the bed. "I'm here, you asked for me?"
He nods, seemingly with great effort. I wait for him to speak, taking a seat in a small chair next to him. Finally he says, "I don't know. . . What to do anymore, Haven."
I wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn't continue, his eyes glazed over and his mouth slightly open. "I'm sorry, Chase," I tell him. "I am. But please don't let this destroy you. I don't want you to self destruct, and I'm afraid that will happen. I-" I break off, pausing before I continue. "It's just. . . Your family, the Anderson's, they can be there for you. You've seen them and. . . They're a mess. They love you, they can be here for you. You aren't alone. I know how it feels to lose a family member. You once told me that everyone in the clan does as well. Please, let them help you."
He looks at me dully, the light in his eyes gone, and it makes me sick. This shadowy, half-there boy cannot possibly be Chase. Chase is full of life and solace and good. This isn't Chase.
I want Chase back. I want the light in his eyes.
"But what-" he starts, gaining a bit of strength. "If I don't want them to love me. They aren't my family and they aren't-" he chokes, stumbling over his own words. Then, in a quieter tone he says, "they aren't him."
"Chase," I whisper, standing up and leaning forward to wrap my arms around him. For a second he doesn't respond, his good arm limp at his side. Then I feel him rest his head on my shoulder, his good arm coming around to my back.
"Please," I beg. "Do it for them. They love you."
"But what about you?" he whispers, so quietly I don't know if I heard him right.
"Huh?" I ask, pulling back a little to look at him.
"What about you?" He says, stronger this time. "What do you want? Why should you care about me, I'm practically a stranger. It's not like. . ." He turns his face away, letting his hands fall. "It doesn't matter."
"But. . . No! I do, I. . . I can be here for you. Just please don't. . . I can't. . ." Tears fill my eyes, spilling over at the thought of Chase going back to his dark past. No.
He looks into my face, still and cold, like all of the light has gone out of the world. But this time I feel a surge of anger rip through me. This is Chase. He's stronger than this. I know he is. There is no way I'll just let him waste away. I can already see him slipping, his will crumbling to dust, and it kills me that I can't help him, that I haven't gotten through to him yet and it just. . .
I open my mouth, ready to shout at him. He's not listening, I'm not getting through. This is driving me crazy. But instead I lean forward in one swift movement, my hands flying up to his face. Frantically I press my lips against his with heat and force. My mind flies in all directions at once, all thought jumbled into a mess for the moment. A nameless, faceless emotion fills my chest, swelling and fighting to get out. Then I'm kissing him and he's kissing me back, and all I can do is wrap my arms around him and hold him there, keeping him safe, protecting him from the demons. Maybe if I hold him tighter, kiss him harder, move a little faster, he'll forget this and be okay. Maybe I can make him okay.
The sanity catches up to me in a heady rush, and suddenly I jerk away from Chase. My hand flies to my mouth as I touch my swollen lips with the tips of my fingers. What was I. . ?
Chase stares back at me and our eyes lock together as we study each other silently. Everything is silent for what seems like a long, long time.
"See?" I ask. "You're different now. You look. . . More alive." And he does. His mouth is slightly agape, cheeks flushed and lips swollen. He's surprised, caught off guard, and breathing heavily.
"Haven, I. . . I didn't kno-"
"Mrs. Cross?" The nurse interrupts as she opens the door. "It's time for a blood test, I'm going to have to ask you to come back later."
Regretfully I nod my head and turn to leave, forcing myself to tear my eyes from Chase's. The patient in question stares back for a second, confusion twisting his expression. I blink, slowly, offering a flash of a smile before stepping around the nurse to leave. I keep my face cool and calm as the door shuts behind me, but I'm screaming inside.
*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I bite my lip and bang my fist against the wall, felling the pain shoot up my knuckles and wrist. What have I done? What have I done? Did I ruin it, by kissing him? Does he dislike me now? Did I go too fast? Did I make it worse? I mean, his brother died a few hours ago, for heaven's sake! I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have kissed him, and that's it. I'm sure I just made him confused. Maybe I'll go back and apologize later.
But I meant it. I meant every word I said.
I wash my hands in the bathroom sink, drying them with a brown paper towel before running my hands through my messy curls. I look like a mess. My mascara is smudged, my hair is practically matted, and my eyes are wild and crazy-looking. Even my clothes are rumpled and askew. No wonder the Anderson's gave me strange looks when I walked back to them.
My emerald eyes stare back at me in the smudgy mirror, the little amount of green bright in contrast to the building around me. I feel like I'm stuck in suspension; Chase and I can't talk until we're alone, and I don't know how long that will take. Until then I'm just stuck waiting.
The first thing I want to do is call Amber. Jeez, I haven't seen her in forever; she must be worried sick. I feel guilty for not thinking about her before, but now I miss her horribly. I want to talk to her about Gabriel, Chase, Mom, everyone. We used to have sleepovers and stay awake for hours and hours in the dark, talking about anything and everything in the world. She's the only one who really knows me, who I am when I'm just being me. And she tells me about herself too, particularly her dysfunctional family and academic obligation. A lot of it I have to infer, though, like how she worries about her brothers and what will happen to them post-divorce.
I just wish I could still be there, with her, and Mom. . .
I cut the thought off before it can take root, whipping around to jerk the door open and march out. I can't stand this uncertainty, the not knowing of what Chase thinks; how he feels.
Have I ruined what we did have between us, if anything?
"We can't leave him alone, he's not ready for that!"
"Can't you see there's nothing we can do? The Amulet is our first priority. He can take care of himself-"
"He's sixteen, for God's sake!"
"Haven," Garret acknowledges as I sit down next to his seemingly catatonic daughter. I nod at him, sensing that I walked into something important.
"We were just discussing what to do next," Morgan tells me, shooting a meaningful glance at her husband.
My father lets out a sigh. "The fact is, Chase is in no condition to leave yet, but we have to go follow the compass to look for this island, so we are trying to decide if we're going to leave him behind or stay until he gets better. I vote stay. We can't have anything to happen to Chase, and he's not well enough, physically, to come with."
Morgan chimes in too. "I agree. What if Gabriel traces us here? Chase would be defenseless. No, if all of us stay here, we can fight them off."
"But then we'd be a larger target!" Garret exclaims. "We're wasting time! I know that Chase would want to help, but if it makes us lose time, we simply can't wait. To be safe I can arrange for a clan member to come help him home, but we need to start the search!"
I listen to them argue back and forth for a minute, the sides of their views flipping back and forth in my mind. There has to be a way to keep Chase safe, but still go after the Amulet. If only. . .
"Me," I say loudly, interrupting Garret's speech. "I'll stay behind with Chase. And Anne, too."
Everyone looks at me strangely, including Kara. "No," Dad says sharply. "I won't let you, for the same reasons I said for Chase."
"I can stay behind instead," Morgan volunteers.
I shake my head. "That won't work, Gabriel knows who you are. You too Dad, Kara, and obviously Garret. The three of you are too well-known to slip past. But I'm human. His men probably don't even know my name, let alone what I look like. I'm not a threat. Anne isn't known by Gabriel either, right?" I look over yo to her. "You're generally under the radar. So it won't be a problem for us to stay back. And that way Morgan can still carry the rest of you. If we get attacked all we have to do is be faster than them, and Anne is our best Flyer, right?"
They consider this for a moment. "But you don't have to stay," my Dad urges, "It's not necessary."
"Morgan could hardly carry four. I need to stay or I'll weigh you down when you do fly. Trust me, this is the only way."
I see the strained look on his face. He doesn't want to leave me. Believe me, I don't want to either, but this is the only plan that makes sense. I really believe that this will work.
And I really, really want to talk to Chase. I think as all five of them agree to my plan. That doesn't hurt the situation at all.
Hello, my friends! I love you so much
thankyouthankyouthankyou! I'm soooooo sorry that I haven't updated in a while, I'll try to make it up to you, okay? I hope you liked this! Please comment!!!!!!
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