Dear fucked-up me:

If you read this then someone punched a hole through your defenses. Knowing myself, your walls must have been pretty high... But you still couldn't let go of the past. U, we, weren't strong enough... and I'm sorry for that.

Yes, you loved Matty. You loved him so deeply that it consumed you ...and then he left. The void he left when he walked away was too deep, too dark... 

Today reality hit... and realizing that I face the rest of my life without him, I went off the deep end. So this is me, writing it all down. This will probably be the last time I'll ever write about Matty... And I can assure you, I'm as drunk as a skunk! That's why every letter, every dot I'll write at the moment will be the inexplicable truth. I want you to move on from all this pain! I don't want to remember the pain from the absence of the one that defined me. I must have said I'm fine to Rebekah and Nomes, at least a hundred times...

But the truth is...  *I, I felt l-like... I d-died from the inside out.* I never would've thought he would walk out of my life, just like that.

This was the worst day of my/our life...
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***

It was the day after the party and I had spent most of my time alone at the beach.
I hadn't been awake for too long because we went to sleep when it was early morning, so it must have been about 8th at night when I walked back into the house. I was in shock when I entered the living room and saw Bheks crying, with Matt standing next to her as I heard him say.

'I'm so sorry, Bheks.'

I quickly ran to Rebekah and asked her what was wrong, but she was crying so hard she couldn't say a word. So I focused my attention on Matt, hoping he'd fill me in. *A big mistake*

'H-Hey, Lex.'

Matt murmured in a surprisingly distant tone, especially after what happened yesterday. I practically begged Rebekah to tell me what was going on, because I was starting to freak out at this point. I'd never, ever, seen her like this! But she only managed to croak out...

'M... Matt! H-He's...'

And then she broke down, literally. She buried her hands in front of her face and cried as if her life depended on it. She was stuttering so much I could barely make out what she was saying, but I heard, Matt. *And like the diva I am, I jumped to conclusions.* My sister was crying her heart out. She stood next to mister cold as ice and she mentioned his name.

'What on earth did you do to her?!'

I snapped, demanding an answer from him. He immediately backfired swearing.

'I didn't do bloody anything!'

And just as I was about to go all out on him, he blurted out the words I'd never expected to hear.

'I... I'm moving to Las Vegas.
That's why Rebekah is crying...'

I'm pretty sure all the blood in my entire body sank to my feet, as I heard him speak those words. For a few seconds, I could only stare at him, numb and completely empty.

'W-Wait, w-what?!'

I yelped, not wanting to believe what I'd just heard.

'My dad. He got me a job with one of the best tattoo artists in the country ...and that's in Vegas.
I'm gonna live there...'

He uttered. I just stared at him, my feet nailed to the floor and completely lost for words.

'I can learn a lot from them, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.'

He said, but I still didn't respond. *I couldn't, because I knew he would hear it in my voice. He would hear how broken I was...* Somewhere in the distance I could hear Rebekah's breaking voice, but I couldn't manage to look at her, instead, my eyes stayed glued to Matty.

'I, I k-know that...
A-And I, I want you t-to g-go...
I do!
It's j-just that, I'm g-g-gonna miss you s-so m-much!'

That's all she managed to get out before she broke down crying again. As for me? Rebekah said it all for me, I wish I had the strength to tell him the truth of how I felt myself. *Because it felt like my whole world had come down crashing in two minutes. Like the floor beneath me dropped a thousand feet. It felt like I couldn't breathe... Like my heart got ripped right out of my chest.* There are not enough words in the world to describe that feeling! *I wanted to die.*

'I'm gonna miss you too Bhek's.
...Both of you.'

'I..'

I wanted to talk, but it felt like I hit rock bottom. My head was spinning and I couldn't get a word out of my mouth. I wanted to say so much to him, but my mouth wouldn't open. *I wanted to yell, 'How do you dare leave Bhek's alone?! She's your best friend in the whole damn world!' I wanted to yelp, 'I love you, you son of a bitch! How dare you leave me alone!' I wanted to cry, 'I can't even imagine a frikkin' life without you! You're my anchor, I don't exist without you!'* But most of all... *I wanted to scream, 'Why?! Why on earth did you do that last night?! Why would you lead me on like that, if you knew you were going to tell us this today!' I wanted to snap, 'Is literally everything some kind of stupid joke to you?!' ...By doing what you did, you made this impossible to handle for me! I... I can't! I can't deal with this.* But none of those words I actually spoke aloud... I could feel my legs shaking and my heart was beating like it was about to explode. My eyes got red and watery, so I gathered all my courage and finally managed to get a few words out, hopefully, without Matt noticing my torment.

'Good luck. I hope you'll do great.
Just keep in touch with my sister, she needs you... I guess I'll see you when I see ya doofus.'

I murmured as I turned around, wiping away a tear that escaped my eye. I squeezed my eyes shut for a brief moment, not allowing myself to cry in front of him. As I started to walk off, I heard Matty whisper...

'S-See ya, beautiful.'

And just like that, we said our goodbyes. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a couple of dad's bottles of Jack. After which I went to my room and also grabbed my diary, a joint I had stashed away, and a blanket. Not wanting to talk to anybody, I decided to go to the beach. When I got there my knees buckled, giving in to the pain...

I cried for at least half an hour, screaming from the pain inside of my heart. I just wanted all the pain and emptiness to go away! After I finally managed to calm myself down and stopped crying. I walked over to one of the rocks where I usually sit and sank to my knees beside it, covering myself with the blanket I brought. *Feeling completely devastated I stared at the ocean for several hours.* Replaying every moment I had with Matt over and over again in my head. The good and the bad ones. Unfortunately in most of them, we were arguing and fighting... Finally, I grabbed one of the bottles of booze and started drinking... I wanted to drink until I didn't feel anything anymore, and so I did. I opened my diary and poured my heart and soul out on one page.*You probably wonder what I'm talking about since you've been reading for a while now and this is not just one page.* Well... That's because I ripped it out. See what I've been telling you now are just words about what happened and what I was thinking  ...and yes, I swear a little when I'm writing! It's our thing. But in my defense! I/we also swear a lot in real life, so I guess you wouldn't expect me to be different on paper. But on that one page, I wrote down the deepest pain I felt this day... Because all the crap you've been reading here isn't half as bad as the true pain I felt. What I'm writing right now is written with a hollow soul... Now listen to me... Me. I kept that page and shoved it beneath the cover of this diary. All you have to do is read it, but the truth is ...I hope you don't. For me, us, all of this was too hard to handle. So I hope, because of all the liquor I've been drinking tonight, I won't remember a thing in the morning! And if you're actually reading this right now I figured it worked... 'cause I just simply can't think of any other reason why I'd ever want to read all of this again! I hope I will never have to read or remember anything about the last few days... But if I do, please, be so damn sure you want to dig up all of this! 

Because tomorrow I'm gonna wake up ...and yes I'll be sad. Hell, I'm not a miracle worker. But I'm gonna live my life and I just want to forget. Forget about everything and start over. So now I'm gonna try and stumble back home, 'cause I'm so pissed I'm not even sure if I can m stand up straight...  And I'll throw this diary in a box with all of the stuff that reminded me of this period, after which I'll bring it up to the attic. Hoping to never see it again. Then I'll crawl into my bed and smoke my last joint. Wishing I won't remember a thing when I wake up...

Till, hopefully, never...