Dear Diary:

Today is my 18th B.Day ...and Bhek's as well, of course.
This morning is different. There's something brewing. I can feel it.
Maybe it's because of my birthday. But for once in a long time, I don't hate the day before it begins. For the first time, in a long time, I'm excited.
Maybe it's because I know he'll be there today.
Normally I dread seeing him, but today I'm allowed to do anything.

I told myself a thousand times. What you don't have and what you don't know can't hurt you. But I was lying, I don't think I can pretend any longer.
My heart is slowly crumbling every time I have to pretend I'm alright with how things are right now.
That I don't have feelings for him, or that I can't allow them to surface, just to keep the balance between everyone and everything.
That it's what's best for everyone. But is that fair if I'm the one who isn't in harmony at all?

Alright, enough whining.
Time to party!

Bheks and I are so damn excited! Mom and dad allowed us to throw a costumed party. Needless to say we've been planning this for months!
"Costumed Casino" is the theme to be exact and everything is just perfect! We carefully prepared things down to the smallest details.

Bheks and I wear matching costumes. We're the sexy versions of the Queen of hearts. They are corset dresses, short in the front and with a trail in the back that nearly touches the ground. Mine is black, red, and gold whereas Rebekah's is white, blue, and silver. We even got little crowns and heels that match. And even if I say so myself ...we look damn hot!

So it's time to get ready and maybe I'll give this an update later, although I wouldn't count on it.
'Cause I hardly update, like.. ever? Did you/I notice that too since you'll / I'll be reading it right now? Okay, this is getting too complicated, I've got a party to attend!

See ya when I see ya!

***

Guess what?! I'm actually updating after our party, never thought I would see the day myself either haha...

First off, the party was A-MA-ZING!! We had the best day ever, including me! And since I can't contain my excitement any longer, I'm going to scrabble on these pages as fast and detailed as I can.

The party was just starting while Bheks and I were admiring everything. Then suddenly Bheks tapped on my shoulder after which pointing in the direction of the door. She told me Matt was coming in and that if I was lucky, I could steal a kiss from him tonight since it was my/our birthday. *The little rat just has to know everything!* But like I am, I denied it completely! Saying I'm not into Matt. *Who am I kidding, she's my twin!* Although I never said it out loud, it's obvious she knows how I feel... *Damn that stupid twin connection.* I'm not sure if she has a clue as to how much I feel for him since I never told a soul.

Anyways!!! Matt came strolling through the door and the second I saw him my heart melted away. He looked so damn handsome! I couldn't wrap my mind around it.
But... At that point, I was also still arguing with Bheks over the whole situation and she whispered.

'Whatever you say... Beautiful...' 

Teasing me, to which I almost shouted back out of frustration 

'I don't like him, damn it!'

You know that point when you're so much in denial that you want to slap yourself for doing it? Well, that was my moment, 'cause Matty heard it. By the time I was yelling he had reached us and there was something in his eyes when I said those words, I'd never seen before. Disappointment...

I looked away from embarrassment, hoping he didn't know we were talking about him. But judging from the look of his face? He knew, alright! He mumbled something about not wanting to disturb us if we were busy and he nearly walked off if it wasn't for Rebekah. 

'No worries, we're all done.'

She squealed before hugging Matt. I grabbed a drink off of the bar and just started pouring the alcohol in. I assumed that as long as I kept drinking I was in the safe zone. Or at least I couldn't say something stupid in the meantime. After Matt handed his gift to Rebekah, he turned his attention to me. 

'Here you go, beautiful. I got you something too.'

He huffed a little unsure and all I could do was say an uncomfortable.

'Thanks, Matty...'

Bheks just had to be Bheks and she stormed off, "claiming" she'd get us some drinks. Which left me awkwardly standing with Matt. After a minute or two, he offered me a smoke and I wasn't going to decline. My stress level was through the roof and a cigarette would at least give me some ease.

'Please tell me you didn't give me a pack of cigarettes for my 18th birthday..' 

I hissed to him, almost insulted because it actually would've been something that Matt would do. 

'Because if you did... I'll never talk to you again, loverboy.' 

I snapped at him. *Believe me, if I could change that right now, I would've shut my mouth before that sentence ever came out... Or even better, I would've shut my mouth from the second he stepped through the door! But will I ever be that smart to not say exactly what I think? Nooooo... of course not! Just screw me and my damn nonexistent filter!* ...But what he replied?! That was what had me almost stumble while standing still!

'No... I went to the jewelry shop.'

He said his voice barely a whisper. I was completely star-struck and tongue-tied by his sudden words. Matt standing in a jewelry store! I can barely imagine it, even now... Still, a little in shock while my fingers slightly trembled, I opened up the little package in my hands. He got me the most gorgeous necklace I've ever seen. It was a long silver drop bar pendant, covered in lines of little diamonds, along with a special silver chain that wouldn't get my wild curly hair caught between it. On the other end, a silver ring also covered in diamonds where the pendant can go though so there won't be an actual clasp on it or anything.

I think I must have looked at it for at least a couple of minutes before I managed to get a word out of my mouth. Finally, I managed to find my voice again and I asked him if he wanted to help me put it on.

He gently put my hair aside and I'll never forget the touch of his fingers against my bare neck *...it made me shiver all over.* The only thing I was thinking of, or rather the only thing I could think of, was how he has no damn clue what he means to me. His touch was burning against my skin and it felt so good... *I wished that moment would never stop.*
My heart was racing a hundred miles an hour as his fingertips slid across the back of my neck adjusting the necklace to the right place. 
...I felt so, alive.

The second he pulled back my heart dropped, wanting to feel his touch again and again.

'Thanks, Matty ...I love it.' 

I managed to mumble still a little shy from it all. And for the first time ever, I didn't feel a knot in my stomach as he uttered.

'I'm glad you like it, beautiful.'

For some weird reason the universe was on my side for a little longer, believe it or not, Matty asked me to dance with him. Yes, you don't need glasses. You're reading it right, dance...

*Interesting part coming up next... Geh-eh...* There was some kind of house music playing in the background so I thought. Sure, why not? What's the worst that can happen? Thus we started dancing for a little while. Just having fun, as you'd expect on someones birthday... But then! As soon as the song was over the DJ got it in his bloody mind to play a slow song!!! *God, I could nearly hear the crickets chirping in the background. Awkward!* 

I was wondering if Matty would ask me to slow dance, but at the same time, my sanity was telling me not to hold my hopes up. After all, the universe had already worked a couple of miracles tonight. How many more could I expect? I could feel my heart beating in my throat as I was holding my breath, staring at Matt not knowing what to do. I was standing in front of the boy I'm in love with! One minute we were dancing like crazy and the next thing I know the music changed, and so did we... We both stood there frozen in motion as my eyes slowly traveled from his chest to his eyes, unsure what I could expect.

Matty's eyes were staring back at me. As if he was trying to look right into my soul until he suddenly stepped forward and grabbed one of my hands. While playing with my fingertips until our fingers were locked together, his other hand cupped my waist and he slowly pulled me a bit closer. It felt like my heart suddenly went a thousand miles an hour. I could barely remember how to breathe and I was just hoping he would quickly do something because otherwise, I was about to faint.

Slowly my feelings started to overwhelm me and by the second I could feel my legs getting shakier. I was so afraid about ruining things with Matt tonight, at that moment. He had just given me the most beautiful gift, while he had/has no idea I'm in love with him and I was/am too afraid to say anything. Too scared it would ruin everything...

So... *here it comes...* I uhh... I chickened out!

Yes, as incredibly stupid as I am, I stormed off!!! I didn't say a thing, I just turned around and left. I wanted to run until my feet couldn't carry me anymore, but the massive crowd at the party kinda made that impossible. So instead I tried to squirm through the crowd as fast as I could ...until my hand got caught. My head immediately snapped in the direction of the person who grabbed it, ready to whimper him or her off as quickly as I could. But the words never left my mouth ...since the person who was holding it was Matty himself. He had followed me after I'd left and I was too stumbled to react. My mind completely blank, I stared at him gobsmacked. I could feel the tears behind my eyes and all I could do was attempt to not show them, trying to keep it together.

'Lex, please don't do this... Just dance with me.'

He whispered his eyes looking soft and gentle. That was the moment my shell cracked.

'I... I c-can't.' 

I croaked out as I turned my head sideways, not wanting him to see the tear that had leaked from my eye. But for once, and maybe it was for the better, he didn't listen to me. 

'I'm not taking no for an answer.' 

He stated his voice sounding steady but still soft and he practically dragged me back to the dance floor! I'd tried to loosen myself, but he wasn't going to let me walk away again. Back on the dance floor he pulled me back into the same position we were in a few seconds earlier and I could feel the nerves boiling up inside of me again. Only this time Matt didn't give me time to get a mental breakdown and started dancing with me, leading me over the dance floor. At first, I made sure there was plenty of room between the both of us, *Not that that's even possible with slow dancing, but whatever...* Matt noticed it too and he gently drew me closer to him.

For the next part, I'm going to try and write down my mental state at the time, I'm not sure how it'll work out since my thoughts were all over the place! But I give it a try...

So... I'm in Matty's arms, slowly swirling around the dance floor.

*O - my - God!
How did this happen?!
I ran away and you came after me?!*

*Don't you have any idea how confused this makes things?!
Yesterday you were being your regular self, which is "nice talk" for an asshole! And today your this?! You bloody idiot! Your screwing so much with my head that it feels like I'm gonna explode!*

My eyes scoot over his appearance. At the moment I would love to say he or his costume sucked, but I can't.

*Dammit, why do you have to be so goddamn perfect?!
And why on earth couldn't you do me a favor and come as a caveman, grizzly bear, or a baboon or something?!
Nooooo, you just had to come in a damn tux!
&@!#*$
A damn, freaking hot, sexy, perfectly fitting tux?!*

Indeed, I forgot to write that earlier. Matt's wearing a bloody tux! Black and white with a little mask. *Or at least it's supposed to be a mask, I think? It's just a piece of black fabric with two holes in it and tied to the back of his head.*

*That's it!
That mask is probably so tight his brain is suffocating...
That's why he's nice to me tonight, nothing more!*

*Why couldn't you just be your normal irritating self and say, 'heck no, I ain't gonna dance with you!'
Then it wouldn't be so damn complicated right now!*

Apparently, I've been staring at his eyes, and mask, a bit too long since Matt's hoarse voice suddenly caught my ear.

'You sure got some moves, beautiful.'

His words made me blush a little and I quickly looked down as I muttered.

'...You're not too bad yourself.'

a cocky smile formed on his lips and I immediately rolled my eyes back at him.

'You're the Queen of Hearts, sweet cheeks. You're the one rolling the dice ...just don't push me down a rabbit hole.'

I couldn't help it and burst out in laughter.

'Hahaha! First of all, the rabbit lured Alice into the rabbit hole... Secondly, you are definitively not Alice! And third, I'm not the one wearing a tux and a T-shirt bound around his face with two holes in it..'

He laughs at my giggly words and lifts an eyebrow at me saying in a sarcastic tone.

'Please tell me your joking... You know who I'm supposed to be, right?!'

I can only laugh awkwardly because I honestly didn't have a clue...

'Lex?! Seriously?! I'm Zorro!'

He nearly shouted in disbelief. I could feel my cheeks flush deep red, embarrassed of myself for not recognizing it earlier. *I couldn't help it, he was distracting me from rational thinking!* Not that I've ever seen the movie either...

'WELL!..... You're not wearing the hat ...and sword!'

I uttered desperately trying to defend myself, pointing at his head and side, hoping to talk myself out of it.

'Who needs a sword when you've got these guns...' 

He huffed while pumping the muscles of his right arm.

'These will save any girl in danger..'

He teased making me laugh again.

'Honey, I'm the sexy and nice version of the Queen of Hearts ...besides my dress is Burlesque styled. Plenty of guys can, and would love to, save me from danger tonight.'

I say in a cocky tone while flipping my hair.

'Alright, I'll admit the Burlesque part is spot on...'

He says while checking me out from top to bottom.

'But the nice part?
That could use a little help...'

'Maybe... But your not a gentleman either.'

I state, giving him a cheeky smile back. He looks at me confused, not understanding what I'm referring to.

'A real gentlemen would've asked me to dance with him ...and not drag me onto the dance floor along with him.'

I chuckle, distracted by the funny way he's looking at me.

'I'm not the one who decided to make a run for it, darling.'

He says with daring eyes, taunting me to deny it. For the smallest second, I froze... Luckily he didn't notice, because he spun me around catching me back in his arms.

'Don't worry beautiful, I got you back on the dance floor... And if you wouldn't have wanted it, you would've stopped me already.'

He whispered teasingly. I narrowed my eyes at him and muttered.

'I can still change my mind, you know...'

While pushing my finger against his chest and looking straight into his eyes, after which he snorted back.

'Just admit you like it, already...'

He gave me a wide grin, but I quickly responded in a defensive tone.

'You wish, loverboy.'

*Bloody idiot that I am!* I swear, my eyes stayed focused on his as did his on mine. *God his eyes are to die for and I'd wish I could drown in them.* Was all I could think as I peered back at him. The mask that covered his face didn't bother me at all. *It actually had the opposite effect on me, because of it I only wanted to look at him more.* I wanted to peek under the edges to search for any flaws, but I couldn't find any. Every bone, muscle, and outlining is sculptured perfectly on his face.

'You wanna know a secret?'

He whispered softly in my ear. My heart immediately skipped a beat as I feel his cheeks gently brush against mine.

'Please, do tell.'

I uttered trying to sound brave, but I could hear the nerves in my own voice.

'Nevermind. Teasing you is just way more fun.'

He chuckled... It only took me a split second to recover and I immediately send him a death glare. He didn't react to it though, and we ended up dancing another few minutes until the music stopped. He quickly placed a small kiss on my cheek and I could feel my whole body tingling from it as I closed my eyes, trying to engrave the moment in my thoughts...

'Happy birthday, beautiful...'

He whispered ...and that's where the fairy tale ends.

Miraculously Rebekah returned the second the music stopped playing. *cough* She planned the whole thing *cough*. Rebekah claimed it was taking her so long because she bumped into loads of people when she went to get our drinks. Which I believe, partially, but that long? No way. Matt left as soon as he got the chance to talk to some friends.

The next twenty minutes I spend defending myself to both Bheks and Nomes, who both are "convinced" something's happening, and we nearly ended up fighting about it. Luckily both of them finally got it through their thick skulls I didn't wanna talk about it and eventually they gave up.

The rest of the night I danced and partied with loads of people, besides Matty. After our dance, I barely saw him the rest of the night and I noticed him leaving pretty early...

Overall I can say I had a pretty awesome night.
Maybe there is actually hope for us after all? =$

It's almost morning right now and the sun is almost rising. *Not too strange since we got back home about 3 or 4 in the morning and I've been writing this shit load of words ever since. Which ended up being way more than I anticipated, Geh-eh...*
I'm positive Bheks fell asleep a long while ago and I think it's best if I do so too.

Till next time. x *Which normally takes a while...*

❤️Mexi