#Five: In which she discovers something new, while letting go of the old.
'Girl, what the heck happened to you?!'
Bheks shouts as soon as she sees me enter the room. With her words, Tyler also turns around and his stare at me says enough. I must look like crap after all that crying. I really should've checked myself in a mirror before storming downstairs...
'Oh, this? I took a stroll down memory lane...
Turns out it wasn't all that pretty.'
I huff, pointing to my face before dragging my fingers through my hair.
'Lex... I thought, is that, Matt's necklace?!'
She utters as she sees the necklace around my neck and I can feel my cheeks flush red.
'I thought you threw that thing in the ocean or something?'
She whispers, knowing that I haven't worn it since the day after Matty left.
'...Can someone please tell me what this is all about?'
Tyler asks, clearly dumbfounded.
'Yes. Thanks, Ty! Bheks, I'll get to the details later. I've got something more important I want to discuss with the both of you.'
'Later?! You're wearing Matt's necklace again and you bloody look like your someone from the band KISS! I want details, right fucking now!'
She shouts, clearly frustrated. Tyler puts his hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh at Bhek's word choice while at the same time rolling his eyes over her subtlety about it.
'Gee, thanks!
I'll fix it up in a minute! ...And you know you're my sister, right?!
You could've just said: Sweetheart, it looks like you've cried a lot.
That would've worked just fine!'
I mutter a little defensively while rubbing underneath my eyes with the palm of my hand. Not that it'll help or anything.
'I'm sorry alright!
It's just that I'm worried about you.
And I feel bad for knowing that you were crying your heart out upstairs, while I was having a good time showing Tyler my work... I should've checked upon you! You normally don't walk off like that when we have friends over, I should've known something was wrong...'
She mumbles while I grab her hands as I look her straight in the eyes, assuring her she doesn't have to blame herself for any of this.
'Bheks! You didn't know. Neither did I, honestly.'
'But I should have! Especially after yesterday.'
She snaps. Although I get why she thinks like that, she shouldn't. She couldn't have known what I was about to do upstairs...
'Uhm, sorry but I'm feeling a bit excluded here...
And even I feel guilty, although I haven't got a clue what this is all about.'
Tyler murmurs a little unsure, not knowing whether or not this is something he should interfere in. I softly chuckle at the thought of how stupid this all must sound to him.
'I was looking for some of my old diaries upstairs.'
I begin before I start telling them pretty much everything. Partially because every time I wanted to skip some of the details, Bheks keeps asking me more and more questions about it. I told them exactly what had happened the day of our 18th birthday and afterward while I study Bheks as she's putting all of the pieces together... She's going through all of the stages of happiness, anger, and grief as I went through when I first read it.
'O my God! That's so sweet, you must have felt like you were in heaven! Why didn't you tell me about this?!'
She squealed at first, but that giddy feeling soon makes place for anger. Before I can open my mouth and tell her why I didn't, she put two and two together.
'Hold on a minute...
Our 18th birthday?! Are you telling me Matt left the day after he danced and talked to you like that?!'
She screams, both astonished and angry at the same time.
'He's really gonna get it when I talk to him!'
She snaps, her hands shaking from anger. Tyler is still quietly listening to everything, taking it all in. But from what I can read on his face, he also thinks it's a dick move to pull.
'To think that you were the one comforting me when Matt left... If I'd known I would've been the one comforting you!'
Rebekah suddenly mutters, slightly embarrassed. Apparently, we're even more alike than I notice myself sometimes. Because she quickly moves past it, getting angry at Matt again.
'And I definitely would've kicked Matt's ass that damn night!'
She growls as Tyler softly chuckles at her anger. I'm pretty sure it's a big turn-on for him.
'I CAN'T FREAKIN' BELIEVE THIS!'
She shouts out of frustration and the only thing I can do is sigh.
'Yeah, that kinda is the reason why I never told you...
That ...and the fact that I didn't remember it.
But please, don't say anything to Matty! You're best friends and I don't want you to ruin that over me.'
I whimper, hoping that she'll listen to me.
'Besides! I really don't want to give that dumb ass the satisfaction.
If he knows this has been haunting me for the last three years, I'm never gonna hear the end of it!'
I yelp, already hearing his stupid ass voice inside of my head, nagging at me.
'Alright, alright!
I promise I won't say anything.'
She mocks, clearly not happy about the situation. I nod a thank you as I hear Tyler clear his throat as if he's asking permission to say something about it.
'You are allowed to speak, Ty. No need to make animal noises before, geh-eh...'
I giggle while Bheks snorts from laughter. Tyler throws a death glare to my side, but it quickly changes to a small smile after.
'Sorry, Lex. I am a dude, and even I think that's just stone cold..'
He says kindly, to which I can only murmur back.
'Thanks.'
'But where do I fit into all of this? I guess there has to be something else to it. Otherwise, you would've told Rebekah this without me.'
I nod at Tyler, as I hand over the piece of paper I found in my journal.
'I wrote this the same night...
And my gut tells me I should do something with it.'
I say with some hesitation in my voice, as Tyler starts reading it. Now someone else actually reads it, I almost feel embarrassed and I'm starting to second guess myself if this even was a good idea to start with... But I get my nerves a little under control as I see a sad smile appearing on Ty's face, while Rebekah is standing on her toes next to him, trying to read as well. Their eyes fly over the page and I nearly let out a deep breath of anticipation when they're finally done and lift their heads up to me.
'...So?'
I ask, preparing for the worst.
***
...But strangely that never came. Tyler loved that I put my soul into that little piece of paper and although it wasn't his kind of music, at all, he wanted me to use it and add the song to his album as a bonus.
He made a phone call to a music composer that I've heard of a million times before, but never got the chance to work with, Ian Moore. He's known for his depth and soul in his music and Tyler warned me about the fact that he would wanna know my story. I didn't really mind because I already had told one stranger so a second wouldn't be so much different. But I did make sure to him that I didn't want this story to go public since Matt would find out that way. Tyler assured me that Ian could be trusted since he knew a lot of personal stuff from all kinds of singers. That's his secret to making the perfect music, or so he said. Luckily Ian was on a break and Tyler convinced him that it was worth it to stop by. The three of us went to the studio and told Delphine what we were thinking about doing, although I didn't tell her about Matt. She liked the idea and agreed to it. Not that that was a surprise, I mean she'd do anything for good publicity, and recording a song with Ian would be a major step up for my career.
A few hours flew by as Tyler and I tweaked the text a little until Ian comes walking in. I sure got to admit that he's handsome as hell, with his short blonde hair and his blue eyes. We all, not including Delphine, went outside on the patio and I told Ian everything. It took me some time to get the whole story out, it kinda felt strange because I didn't know him at all. But once the hard part was over Ian nodded and said he would do this with me, us.
***
So now here we are, sitting in the studio getting the song together. Tyler and Rebekah went out a little while ago to get us all some food while we work on the music for the song.
'I want to keep it intimate and small. This song is too delicate to have a lot of things going on in the music.'
Ian mutters as he flies with his pen over the piece of paper in front of him.
'I agree.'
I answer shortly, trying not to distract him from his work.
'This guy really did a number on you, didn't he?'
He asks slightly hesitant as his eyes scout in my direction.
'Yeah... I uhh, it's really hard to explain.'
I mumble my mind traveling to certain memories.
'Not really, he's your sister's best friend. It's not hard to believe that's a difficult situation to be in. And then there is the fact that he's a total dick as to how he treated you...'
I give him a weak smile as I drag my fingers through my hair, getting a little self-conscious because of his words. He notices it and smiles back at me, after which he focuses back on the piece of paper and murmurs.
'Don't worry, I'm sure your looks hadn't had anything to do with it. Or he has to be blind as well...'
'As well?'
'Yeah, I already figured he was stupid to let you walk in the first place.'
He says and I feel my cheeks flush deep red, but before I can comment Rebekah and Tyler come walking back into the studio with our lunch. We all dig in and every once in a while my eyes wander off to Ian, who's busy stuffing his face with a breakfast burrito. His body is well built and the form-fitting white shirt he's wearing only compliments his muscles even more. His short blonde hair and his incredibly blue eyes make him almost look too perfect. A little voice inside my head wonders if he has a girlfriend, but another one tells me that if he hasn't he's too good to be true. That I should watch my back around him. I realize I've been staring too long at him when Ian lifts his head in my direction and a chuckle escapes his mouth when I quickly look back at my plate. That stupid mind of mine! I must've looked like an idiot. Staring at him, my mouth still half full of food. Fuck... Not that it really matters, I've got enough shit on my plate already. More boy drama is just not done. I should really focus on getting my act together and the upcoming song I'm working on, nothing else. I need to heal first. Before I can be broken, yet again. That thought makes me shiver to the bone. Is that really what I'm destined for? Do I really have that little faith in love, in men? I sure hope not. Otherwise, I'm either going to end up as a crazy cat lady or a monk. I don't want to feel like this for the remainder of my life... I won't let it happen, period.
***
We worked until early morning to get the song almost finished on paper. My mental breakdown earlier took its toll in the end and I was just too exhausted to continue a little longer. We called it a day and Rebekah brought me home.
In the next week Tyler, Ian, and I worked hard to finish the song, and with that Tyler's album as well. I managed to open up to Ian at times, mostly when we were alone together we talked about all sorts of stuff. It was quite surprising to me that Ian and I had a lot in common. We both love music, although that's pretty obvious. Both of our parents died, not that you'd want to have that in common... We both love dogs, especially Rottweilers. We both want to get a tattoo, but never build up enough courage to actually do it, which actually is kinda funny. Ian and I also had a few conversations about Matt. He was really understanding with it all and he would let me ramble on about his shit without cutting me off. He would give his honest opinions about it afterward, mostly in my favor. Now that the album is finished, Ian and I were a little bummed that our working sessions were over, so we came up with the idea to go out for dinner together after our last day of work. Which is today. And I'm currently pacing through the hallway waiting for the doorbell to ring. My curly hair stuck up in a messy bun and wearing, a way too revealing on the sides, grey hooded dress.
Driving myself crazy! I desperately try to stop myself from running upstairs to switch into a pair of skinny jeans, shirt, and hoodie. Questioning myself a million times if this even was a good idea, to begin with?! But before I can put my thoughts into action the doorbell rings which makes me jump instantly. Shit! I walk over to the door and open it at the same time my brain is shouting, make a run for it! But when will I ever learn? I'm kinda glad to see Ian wearing a tight black buttoned shirt and black pants, at least that means I'm not too overdressed. His eyes go over my appearance which makes me even more nervous, as I look down awkwardly waiting for him to say something.
'You look stunning.'
He mumbles his voice sounding a little hoarse. My head immediately snaps in his direction, blushing as I pick up my bag next to the door.
'You're not bad yourself...'
A grin appears on his face as he hears my words and he offers me his arm. I accept. Glad that this awkwardness is over, and close the door behind me.
'Where are we going?'
I ask as we walk over to his car, trying to hide my nerves.
'It's a surprise.'
And that's all he tells me. The car ride seemed to last for hours, it wasn't unpleasant though. We didn't talk, but instead, I watched the view. I knew we were driving out of the city towards a small town next to it, but I had no idea where we were going exactly. Or what his plans are for tonight. When the car finally stops I look around to see if anything looks familiar, but I quickly notice that I've never been here before.
'Is this where you're going to kill me?'
'No, why would you think that?!'
He asks nearly in shock and I can't suppress my laughter.
'Well... You're taking a girl, alone, in the car, not saying where we're going. To a deserted town where at least I can't see anybody right now ...and you parked your car in a dark alley.
Do I really need to say more than that?'
I giggle as he realizes how creepy that all actually is. He drags his hand through his hair looking slightly embarrassed about it as he mumbles.
'Yeah... Maybe I should've just told you we were going to a great Italian restaurant out of the city. That sounds a lot better than what you just said, doesn't it?'
'That sounds a lot better!'
I shriek, already getting excited about the fact that Italian is one of my favorite cuisines before we both get out of the car and Ian leads me into the restaurant. It's a small restaurant and it looks gorgeous, like being in a small restaurant in Venice. The ambiance is amazing and cozy. A young lady leads us to our booth, not even paying attention to the fact that two well-known artists stand in front of her. Which is actually quite nice for once, but also surprising. Once we're seated we both order a glass of wine and she leaves us to go over the menu. I lift an eyebrow at Ian, still not understanding why both of us haven't been attacked by fans or paparazzi yet.
'I'm quite surprised you don't know this place to be honest... It's well known for celebrities, the owner standards for privacy are very high, everyone that either comes for a photo or autograph gets kicked out.'
He tells me in hush tones, while he's scouting through the menu.
'I didn't, but I'm glad you took me here. It's nice to be a normal person for once.'
I smile. I open up the menu and I can hear my belly rumbling as I'm reading about all the delicious things they have to offer. Once the waitress comes back and sets our glasses of wine on the table, ready to take our order my mind is all over the place. Not able to choose I close my eyes and swirl my finger around the menu placing it on a random spot.
'I'll take ...the lobster ravioli, please.'
Ian chuckles as he sees how I made my choice and turns his attention back to the waitress.
'Lasagne, as usual, thanks.'
He smiles and the waitress nods after which she walks back to the kitchen with our orders.
'Hard to decide, isn't it?'
He smirks, as he takes a sip of his wine.
'I love Italian food and it just all seemed so delicious. I couldn't decide, so I figured I'd do it blindly.'
'I did the same thing when I came here for the first time actually. That's why I laughed when you did it.'
He smiles and I look at him a little suspicious, wondering if he's telling the truth.
'It's true! Ask the waitress if you don't believe me, I order the same thing ever since..'
'You always order the same lasagne?'
'Yeah, it was so good I never wanted to pick something else after that.'
He says as if it's the natural thing to do and I can't help but laugh. We really are the same in a lot of ways.
'So, what are you thinking about doing after this? I mean, after working with Tyler.'
'Honestly?'
I ask him because I'm still unsure myself if what I'm thinking about is a good idea and he nods.
'I've always put my emotions in my songs for pretty much every occasion. Although I always left Matt out of it, because I didn't want to risk him finding out ...I still don't. But my gut is telling me I should write an album about it.'
'You mean everything you feel, or felt, about Matt?'
'Yeah... I've managed to heal from a lot of shit in my life due to my music and Matt is the only thing that still haunts me. Maybe I should do the same with that as I did with the others, which is write and sing...'
'Sounds like a plan.'
He says it as if it's the simplest thing to do. My mouth drops open, baffled and not knowing how to react. The waitress arrives with our food, but I'm too focused on Ian that I wouldn't even have noticed it if it wasn't for Ian who's thanking the waitress. As soon as she's gone he looks back at me and laughs.
'If your planning on keeping that mouth open, I would at least stuff some food in it.'
He smirks before he digs into his lasagne. I close my mouth instantly and focus my eyes on my own plate of food, it looks to die for and I quickly pick up my fork and knife. I can't help but moan softly when I taste the first bite. It's so delicious! Ian chuckles as he hears my reaction and lifts his eyes up to me.
'Sounds like a good choice.
But back to your idea. Why are you so afraid to do it? You're talented enough to make it work, I'm sure of that.'
'It's not that...'
I mumble as I play with my fork, drawing little eights on my plate with it while biting my lower lip.
'Matt knows I'm famous, there is no guarantee that he won't hear it. Even if it would randomly be played on the radio, he would know it's me singing...'
'So? I'm not saying you have to sing his name or anything. Artists can make a song that's personal to themselves, while others don't have a clue as to what they're referring to. Just use that to your advantage..'
I let those words sink in while I'm eating what's left of my dinner.
***
The rest of the date was a little toned down, it didn't have anything to do with Ian though. He was a true gentleman and his words helped a lot. It was just my own brain that was preoccupied. I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that maybe Ian was right ...I should just write an album about Matty. He brought me home after dinner and he even kissed me on the cheek like a perfect date before leaving. Rebekah had come into the living room asking me how it had been, but I whimpered her off telling her it was alright, after which I went upstairs and grabbed my notebook and a blanket, heading to the beach.
***
I wrap myself in the blanket and seat down against the same rock where I'd written about that disastrous night five years ago... For a minute or two I just watched the ocean doing its work. The waves floating to shore, only so they could be pulled back again. Going around in an endless circle... Just like me. I sigh at that recognition before grabbing my notebook and I start to scribble in it. The title of the album wasn't really a problem, a little obvious, maybe... But I also didn't want to call it anything else.
'Ghost from the past.'
***
'Pssst... Lex?'
I slowly rub my eyes as I hear a familiar voice that wakes me up.
'You seriously slept at the beach?'
I can hear Bhek's giggly yet conscious voice. I slowly open up my eyes and it's taking some time for them to adjust to the light.
'Urgh, apparently I did...'
I groan as I stretch my body, feeling how stiff it is from sleeping in the sand with my back against a rock. Rebekah hands me a mug of coffee as she places herself next to me.
'What happened?'
She smiles. I look at my side and pick up the notebook, swirling it into Rebekah's lap as I take a sip of my coffee.
'That happened.'
I sigh as I pick up my pack of cigarettes from the sand that Rebekah had dropped a few moments earlier. I light one up and welcome the smoke in my lungs as I study Rebekah's face while she's reading the pages. Her eyes stay glued to it, not really giving me any facial expressions to work with.
'...So?!'
I ask anxiously after a couple of minutes. Her glare gets ripped off the pages in my direction from the sound of my voice, and that's when I notice she has tears in her eyes.
'It's about Matt, isn't it?'
She asks her voice gentle and smiling softly. All I manage to do is nod awkwardly and look down at the sand underneath my feet. It's still a little embarrassing and weird talking about it to Bheks because they are so close and especially because this is so personal...
'They are beautiful.
I can't believe how many you've written, when did you start?'
I almost choke on my coffee and end up spitting most of it out, a part of it on myself and the rest in the sand.
'Y-Yesterday evening...'
I murmur and I can see Rebekah's surprise at my answer.
'Are you kidding me?!'
She shouts in confusion and I shrug my shoulders trying to take another sip of coffee.
'You did, this, in one fucking night?'
She shrieks as she takes another look through the pages.
'I guess I really needed to get it out of my system?'
I mumble as she looks at me as if I've just gone mental.
'There is like, eleven, no twelve... Basically a whole album in here!'
She yelps and I can only laugh at her sudden state of behavior. I know it's a lot. I myself would've thought that I would get one done, maybe. I never imagined that it would go this easily ...and to be honest, I'm quite relieved that Rebekah thinks they're good. I smile as I push the end of the cigarette down in the sand.
'I know, right? Apparently, there was a lot to write about.'
I chuckle and Rebekah hands me back my notebook. She lifts an eyebrow as if she's saying. No surprise there.
'Oh right! I came to find you because the wicked witch of the valley stopped by...'
I can't suppress a giggle at her words. Delphine, boy! The way she acts sometimes makes not only me, but everyone else hates her at times. She's a great manager, but that's about it. She has the emotional range of a teaspoon with the mouth of a sailor. Not to mention she dresses like a hooker and has some serious anger issues... Which makes for quite a combination. Normally I'm not the person to say things behind someone's back. But even I got to admit that the nicknames we come up with make me laugh every single time!
'What did Medusa want now?
We're done with the album. This is supposed to be my break from her, by definition that means I don't have to see her for at least a couple of days!'
I groan slightly irritated. Pleading to the hope this isn't really happening, again. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I'm some kind of robot that works on plain air or something.
'Well..... I think you're going to like her visit this time.'
Rebekah says with a massive smug plastered on her face and I lift a suspicious eyebrow at her, not sure where this is going.
'We're all going to the EMA's, Paris, in two weeks! You are nominated, sis! They want you to do a guest performance! Aaaaah!'
She squeals and I can't help but jump up from surprise and dance around in excitement. Shuffling my feet and swinging my arms in little circles in front of me while singing.
'Mmh, yeah!
Go, Lexi! It's your birthday!
We gon' party like it's yo birthday!
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday!
And you know we don't give a fuck, it's not your birthday!'
Rebekah is also dancing like crazy as she shrieks.
'I know, right?!
Tyler, Ian, and I are coming too! Tyler and Ian are also both nominated ...and I'll be there as Tylers plus one!
Aaaah! I'm so excited!'
We dance for another couple of minutes before we decide to head back to the house. We put all the stuff onto the blanket, each grabbing two ends to create a hammock before carrying it back into the house.
'So... Are you ever gonna tell me how yesterday's date went?'
***
A/N:
All music credits go to the original artist.
Song titles:
Original artist > Emma Bale
Title > All I want
Don't forget to show your love and tell me your thoughts so far...
xoxo Dominique.
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