Chapter 41 - "Everything is out in the open now."

Jess and I had made an agreement: both of us needed to address our relationships head-on.

Nathan cooked me dinner on Wednesday night. We both knew why I was here, but we made small talk all the same, as if neither of us really wanted to bring up Louisa, fearing that an argument might take place.

"The cocktail bar was really nice," I was telling Nathan as I tucked into my chicken. "Very snazzy. Although I think I drank too much."

"I know," he replied.

"Jess was quite drunk, too," I said. "I think it was the final one that finished us off. I wasn't hungover, though, which was a bonus."

"Must have been the chips."

"Yeah, maybe." I shrugged. "Or perhaps my alcohol tolerance level is improving after all."

"I doubt that." Nathan chuckled. "You were chatting absolute nonsense to poor Jack."

I scoffed. "Did he tell you that? I wouldn't believe everything he says. He has a tendency to exaggerate."

"No," Nathan replied casually. "I was there."

I paused, my fork spearing a sweet potato, as I took in what he'd just said. "You were there? What? No, you weren't."

"Yes, I was. I was hiding in the ensuite."

Horror slammed into me. "You fucking what?"

"Isobel, please don't swear; it's not very 'sophisticated' of you." Nathan's eyes twinkled with mischief.

"You were in the ensuite? You were there? And I had no idea."

He sighed and momentarily rested his cutlery on the sides of his plate to give me his undivided attention.

"Don't be mad. I went round to play FIFA with Jack and didn't expect you back so early. I heard you coming and so I hid in the ensuite because you were supposed to be having a girls' weekend. I didn't want to intrude. And, also, I know Jess has been having long distance issues with Alex...I thought it would be insensitive for me to randomly turn up because, obviously, that would never be possible for her and Alex."

"I'm not mad," I assured him. "And, you're right, that's very noble of you. I just can't believe you were so close and I had no idea."

He smiled. "It was enlightening, to say the least."

I took a deep breath. "Well, my weekend with Jess and Jack is sort of the reason why I wanted to see you this evening."

Nathan nodded and picked up his knife and fork again, sawing into a chunk of chicken.

"Louisa?" he guessed, glancing up at me before sliding the chicken into his mouth.

I nodded. "Jess asked me how things were, and Jack made a comment about how uncomfortable he felt discussing Louisa. When I suggested Jess and Alex should just talk to each other about their issues, it sort of transpired that you and I should do the same."

Nathan nodded calmly again, but I could tell that he was anxious. "I agree."

"I mean, I didn't think I had a problem with it," I continued. "But it's still hanging over us. You feel the need to treat her badly whenever I'm around, almost as though you're trying to prove that you don't like her."

Nathan sighed and pushed his empty plate away from him. We relocated to the sofa, sinking into the soft cushions, and twisted to face each other.

"By the end of this evening, I don't want Louisa to be a problem for us ever again," I told him.

"Agreed."

"I trust you, Nathan," I said, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. "I know that she's caused problems for us, and I know that you weren't completely honest to begin with, but I trust you now. All of that is behind us, everything is out in the open, right?"

He nodded. "Right."

"I mean, is everything out in the open...? There's nothing more I should know?"

There was a long pause before Nathan replied. During that moment of hesitation, my stomach somersaulted, and a feeling of nausea rose within me. Maybe I wasn't truly over Nathan's past with Louisa. I was clearly still experiencing a tiny bit of doubt.

"Nothing has happened between us," he told me calmly, his eyes staring intently into my own. "You say you trust me, so trust me on that."

"I do trust you," I said quietly. "But when you hesitate like that, it frightens me. Surely it's a straight answer? Either something has happened, or it hasn't."

"Isobel, I swear on the life of everyone I love...nothing has happened between Louisa and me," he insisted. "If something had happened, then I wouldn't have been able to hide it from you. I'd have told you immediately."

I nodded and swallowed. "Okay."

"The reason I hesitated is because every day, I go to work in fear that something will happen," he murmured. "I go to work, scared that it'll be the day that Louisa hits on me, or says something about our past to me, or tries to reignite something. I go to work, terrified that I'll come out of work and have to admit that she's tried something on."

"But she's not?"

He shook his head. "No. But do you understand my fear? I spend so much time trying to reassure you that there's nothing going on...and it's got to the stage where I'm the one who's scared that something will happen. I think of all these scenarios in my head...I have awful dreams where she hits on me—"

"I think you had one in Paris," I murmured.

His eyes widened. "I'm sorry?"

"Remember me saying that you'd mentioned her name?" I prompted. He nodded quickly, his eyes worried. "You said it was to do with work, but it wasn't. You clearly said something about how you loved me. You were saying no to her, and that you loved me."

He pinched his eyes shut. "Fuck, Bella...why didn't you say that to me?"

"Because you seemed genuinely convinced that you'd been dreaming about work and I believed you. You couldn't remember what you were dreaming about, and that's perfectly plausible because people forget their dreams all the time."

"I remember the conversation, but I don't remember dreaming about Louisa, so it obviously was a dream I'd forgotten," he said. "I wouldn't have lied to you about that."

"No, I know," I replied. "That's why I didn't think much of it. If you'd remembered the dream, then I was sure you'd have told me."

"I would have," he assured me, squeezing my hands. "I didn't have that many dreams back then...they started when I hired her, and I assumed it was a guilty conscience because I kept it from you...and then after you found out, the dreams got worse and more frequent."

"How frequent?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Several times a week."

"Several times a week?" I gasped. "Nathan! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why would I tell you?" He let go of my hands to throw his arms into the air. "What good would it have done? They're dreams. It's my own guilty subconscious conjuring up all these nightmares to punish me for hiring her. To punish me for not putting you first."

I sighed and rubbed at my temple. A headache was forming, just a dull ache that was probably the result of this conversation. I knew I couldn't stay mad at Nathan. After all, he couldn't control his dreams and he didn't have to tell me what he'd dreamt about. At the end of the day, he was right. What would telling me about his dreams have helped? Nothing. They're dreams. They don't mean anything.

Mirroring my thoughts, Nathan continued. "Dreams don't mean anything," he said. "I was only dreaming about her hitting on me because I was so worried about it. You were aware I was worried about it, and that's why we're having this conversation."

"We're having this conversation because you were so worried about Louisa and that has caused you to act out and treat her badly," I told him. "You're overcompensating. We need to nip it in the bud. Do you realise that by being such a dick to her, it just makes it seem like you're hiding something?"

"But I'm not."

"Exactly! You're not hiding anything; nothing has happened. Therefore, there's no need to try to prove that to me. I know now, okay?"

He sucked in a deep breath. "Yes, Bella. I was just so scared of losing you. I regret hiring her. I really do. It was a stupid thing to do, and I hate how my stupid decision has impacted on our relationship."

"Well, it's not impacting it anymore. Let's draw a line under this once and for all. Everything good?"

He smiled. "Yes. Everything's good."

"And do you have anything you want to clear up with me?" I asked him.

"Like what?" he asked.

"You know what."

He sighed. "I don't have an issue with Pedro anymore. We had a chat at the bar and cleared the air."

"Jack made a good point," I told him. "I got insecure over you and Louisa, but nothing ever happened there. I never considered your insecurities with Pedro, and they would have been more well-founded considering that he actually did make a move on me."

"I figured I had no right to get jealous over Pedro when my ex was working alongside me," Nathan admitted. "Louisa and I have history...you and Pedro don't."

"But you were jealous?"

"Bella, of course I was jealous. The guy gets to see you every day. It would be impossible not to get jealous over that. And then that photo..."

"The social one?" I asked, guessing that he was referring to the photo of Pedro and me holding hands when our wrists were tied together at the club.

"Yeah. It looked pretty cosy and although I knew you wouldn't cheat on me, I couldn't help but wonder if he'd try to go there anyway."

"And he did," I said quietly, the guilt returning.

"Yes," Nathan said, equally quietly. "He did. But you told me about it right away which just shows what a good, honest person you are. I realised that at the time, and I was overcome with affection due to your honesty. But as it sank in, I got angry. I realised that my insecurities were justified, and I was fucking furious that he'd tried it on. It's not enough that he gets to spend every day with you. He wants more. It's fucking selfish."

I could see where Nathan was coming from, and it was almost the same as what Pedro had hinted when he'd said that some girls like a bit on the side to keep them occupied. As far as Nathan was concerned, Pedro was lucky to be able to spend time with me every day. It was selfish to want physical benefits alongside that, too, when Nathan couldn't have that as my boyfriend.

"I love you," I whispered.

A smile gradually made its way onto his face, starting off small and slowly becoming more genuine and relaxed.

"I love you too, Bella," he said. "This is a new beginning for us now, okay? Everything is out in the open and nothing is going to come between us anymore."

"Agreed." I grinned.

He leant to kiss me and, as the kiss progressed, we found ourselves stumbling towards the bedroom. They say that make up sex is the best kind of sex; whilst we weren't exactly making up, we were still trying to prove our love for one another, and the sex was pretty damn good.  

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