Chapter 34 - "Maybe she's changed."

I was woken up on Christmas Day by Nathan poking me.

"Wake up," he was whispering. "It's Christmas!"

I groaned and rolled over away from him, burying my face in the pillow. I didn't know what time it was, but it felt far too early.

"What time is it?" I moaned, resisting his efforts to pull me back round to face him.

"Eight. That's a perfectly reasonable time. Stop being so lazy!"

I rubbed at my eyes and yawned. When my vision finally focused on Nathan, he had a look of pure excitement on his face.

"You're acting like a little boy. I've never seen you so excited."

"Bella, if you can't muster up excitement for just one day of the year, then your life is seriously lacking something."

"Yeah, like sleep," I said dryly, forcing myself to sit up in the bed in an attempt to wake myself up more.

The last few days in Italy had been jam-packed and exciting. Together with our families, we'd explored Rome and returned each night exhausted and ready for bed. Nathan had always been a good tour guide, and him and Peter made the perfect team. I just hadn't quite caught up on sleep yet.

I reached over for my glass of water. After a few sips, I was feeling slightly more refreshed and accepting of Nathan's keen attitude towards Christmas morning.

"Are we not doing presents with your family?" I asked, accepting the rectangular shaped present that he handed me.

"Yeah, family presents, but I thought we could do ours privately," he replied.

I gave him a sceptical look. "You've not bought me something rude and inappropriate, have you?"

He laughed. "No, don't worry. I've got more tact than that. I'll save those presents for Valentine's Day."

I shot him a sarcastic smirk and started to unwrap the present in my lap. It appeared to be a jewellery box and my heart sped up with excitement at the thought of it. With nimble fingers, I carefully prised open the box and gasped at the beautiful necklace inside.

"Oh, Nathan, it's beautiful!"

He smiled. "Maybe I got it the wrong way round. Maybe I should have given you the jewellery for Valentine's Day and the kinky things for Christmas."

I assumed he was just making jokes because he was nervous about me liking it. As I removed the necklace from the box, I rested it against the palm of my hand to inspect it more intently.

Every time the light caught it, the diamonds sparkled. And, knowing Nathan, I had no doubt that they were real. Upon looking closer, I saw that the diamonds formed the shape of a tiny 'N'. It was so small that you'd only truly notice it if you were very close or carefully examining the necklace.

"Oh," I breathed. "Nathan, it's so beautiful..."

He cleared his throat. "I know most people usually have their own initials on their necklace, but I thought it would be nice for you to have mine. Then you have a little bit of me with you wherever you go, even when I'm not there."

"It's such a lovely idea," I said, still transfixed by the sparkling letter that dangled in the palm of my hand. "Thank you." Then I leaned to give him a kiss.

"I'm really happy you like it." He beamed. "It matches your ring too."

It did indeed match my ring. I plucked it up off the bedside table, and then slid it onto my finger.

"I could get used to you buying me jewellery so often," I teased.

Nathan just grinned. "You're worth it. I want to spoil you and remind you just how much you mean to me."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and we hugged for a few moments.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear.

"I love you too," I whispered back.

Nathan had a tendency of outdoing me on things, especially presents, but he seemed genuinely happy with what I'd got him. With us having to spend time apart during the weeks, I'd decided to buy something that meant we could spend time together and create more memories.

"Oh wow! Fantastic!" Nathan grinned as he opened the Dara O'Briain tickets. "I've always wanted to see him live."

"I know. I do listen to you. Occasionally."

"Thank you, Bella." He leaned to kiss my lips in gratitude.

I'd also bought him a t-shirt and a new leather wallet, because his old one was getting tatty.

"A successful Christmas all round," he announced, after transferring everything from his old wallet into his new one.

"Yep," I agreed. "So...back to sleep now?"

Nathan just laughed and playfully wrestled me down onto the bed. "If you're not going to willingly stay awake, then I'll just have to find a way to keep you awake..." And then he lowered his mouth to mine.

*

Spending Christmas Day with both families was so nice. It was certainly a relief that everyone got on so well. Mum helped Peter and Georgia in the kitchen whilst Dad and Nathan chatted about sports, and I kept an eye on James. This was how Christmas should be spent, with family and the people you love most.

Although receiving and giving presents was fun, my favourite part of Christmas Day was usually the meal. Despite being in Italy, the meal was traditionally English, and very tasty.

"This is awesome," Nathan said, tucking into his turkey and trying to pile as much food as possible onto his fork.

"It is," I agreed, shooting a smile at the chefs. "It's like being back at home."

"Come on now, Isobel." Peter smiled. "We didn't invite you all over to Italy just so we could recreate an English Christmas in another country!"

I laughed. "Well, the post-lunch walk is undoubtedly going to be much more different, at least."

Nathan claimed that living in Rome sometimes lost its novelty, and that visiting a city was much more enjoyable than actually living in it. I really hoped that his time away from Rome meant that it was regaining its novelty, because it still amazed me every time I came here.

I didn't ever think I'd find myself sitting outside the Coliseum on Christmas Day, yet here I was. Dad wandered around taking photographs whilst Mum and Georgia chatted beside us. I was curled up next to Nathan, absorbing warmth from beneath his arm.

"Christmas is so much better together," he said.

"I agree," I replied. "As great as Skype is, it doesn't really beat being properly together." And I snuggled closer, slipping my hand inside his coat to reinforce my point.

"I hate being apart from you, Bella," he murmured. "I know we're doing well, and seeing each other most weekends, but they always go so quickly."

"I know they do. But we're managing. It's going to be more of a challenge in third year."

Nathan didn't reply, and I didn't blame him. Neither of us really wanted to think about what would happen during my third year when I was living abroad. With Nathan's strict work schedule, he'd struggle to find regular time to come out and visit me. It would test us, but I was positive that our love would carry us through it.

*

The rest of the afternoon was back to traditional English customs, as we played board games and charades. Mum started to get sleepy after the walk and so she and Dad headed to bed for a nap, whilst Nathan and I cleared away the rest of the kitchen stuff. That was always the downside of the Christmas meal: there was so much tidying away and washing up to do.

We were heading to Nathan's own room when his phone went off.

"I'm popular," he commented happily, pulling his phone out of his pocket to check who'd messaged him. "Oh, it's Louisa," he said, disappointment replacing the initial excitement.

"What's she say?" I asked lightly, getting myself comfy on his bed.

"Just wishing me a happy Christmas," he replied. I watched him tap out a quick reply before placing his phone onto his desk and joining me on the bed.

"Do you speak much out of work?" I asked.

It was something I'd never really considered, but maybe that was because they spent so much time together at work that I doubted they'd ever chat in their own, personal time.

"Nah, not really," Nathan replied. "I wished her a happy birthday a few weeks ago, but I needn't have bothered."

"Why's that?"

He laughed. "She just made some comment about how it was nice I'd remembered since I'd neglected her last two."

"Ah, I see." I smiled. "So, when you moved to Italy, did you literally just stop talking to her?"

"Yeah." He yawned, covering his mouth as he did so. "I needed a fresh start. And she needed one too. If we carried on talking, then neither of us would get that. We needed to completely cut each other out in order to move on."

I wasn't going to bring up Louisa unnecessarily, but the conversation was heading that way, and I was genuinely interested. Nathan seemed forthcoming enough with the information anyway.

"It obviously worked," I commented.

"It did. She seems to have turned stuff around for herself anyway, which is good."

"Do you not know much about her personal life, then?"

"No," he said. "It seems inappropriate. She's my assistant and, well, without sounding harsh, I don't really want to know. I don't want to be friends with her, and I don't want to know about her personal life. It's none of my business anymore, and I don't want it to be."

"I never really thought about whether you'd be against a friendship with her or not. I mean, is it because you're worried it'll bring back bad memories, or...?"

"I hated the person I was back then," Nathan stressed. "I absolutely hated him. I like to believe I've changed. I know I've changed. But why would I want to be friends with someone who used to fuel that lifestyle for me? Maybe she's changed. But she's the past. I hired her because I knew she'd be good at the job. And so far, she's not let me down. What she does in her spare time is up to her, and I'd really rather not know."

Once again, I lay quietly beside him, taking it all in. Nathan wasn't exactly holding back from being open and honest with me, and I appreciated that. It just showed that honesty and communication really was the best policy for a decent relationship. More than that, though, he didn't seem reluctant to talk about it. I didn't want to pry, and so I told myself that I'd back off if he started to seem uncomfortable.

"I know you've changed, Nathan," I said softly. "I trust you with all my heart."

"That means a lot, Bella," he murmured, kissing my forehead. "Thank you. I know it perhaps seems like I don't tell you a lot about my past, but that's just because I hate the idea of you knowing what a dick I was. I'm so ashamed. I'd hate for you to be disappointed in me."

"I'd never be disappointed," I whispered, leaning on my side so I could look at him. I caressed his cheek and watched as his eyes closed in relaxation under my touch. "If anything, it makes me feel proud of how much you've turned your life around."

"I know you don't like thinking about my past though," he said quietly.

"Well obviously I don't like thinking about all the girls you've been with, but I know you've changed. And it takes a lot for a person to turn their life around."

"I wish I could change it all for you. I just want to be perfect for you."

"You are perfect for me," I assured him, snuggling closer. "In every way. I promise. Telling me about your past doesn't make me judge you, or love you any less. It just makes me know you better."

He paused for a while. "Is there anything you'd like to know? I've told you all the important bits—I just skimmed on the details because I didn't want to unnecessarily burden you."

"I understand that."

"I thought Georgia might have said something," he continued quietly. "But since you'd not asked, I assumed it wasn't anything new."

"All she really said was that she wasn't a fan of Louisa."

Nathan chuckled, but it was a sad laugh. "That's putting it mildly. Georgia hated Louisa. She'd have banned her from the house if she could."

"Was that difficult for you?" I asked.

Nathan looked taken aback, as if surprised by my question. "Oh. Well...yeah, actually. But I deserved it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it shouldn't have been difficult. Choosing between your sister and a toxic friend shouldn't have to be a decision. You should always choose family, right?"

"You were caught up in an addictive lifestyle, Nathan. I know you chose to take that path, but I imagine it controls you to a certain extent."

"Mm. I'll never be able to make it up to Georgia. She could have ended it instantly by telling Dad, and yet she didn't. She tried to help me. She tried to get rid of Louisa, but she just ended up coming round in the middle of the night."

"To have sex with you?"

Nathan shrugged, which I took as confirmation.

"Georgia said you helped each other. So how did she help you?"

"She kept an eye on me when I did drugs," he replied simply. "She made sure I never overdosed. She made sure I stayed conscious and didn't do anything stupid. She looked out for me basically. We rarely did them at the same time, so I could then do the same for her."

Among the honesty and transparency, hesitation clouded Nathan's face. Sure, it wasn't easy for me to hear about all of this, but it was probably just as difficult for him to take that chance on trusting me not to run a mile.

"I can see how difficult you're finding it to talk about this. It means a lot that you're opening up to me."

He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "Louisa assumed you knew all this about her. That's why she made that comment when you first met."

"Which comment?" I asked, even though I had a pretty good idea what he was referring to.

"About my abilities in bed? She was so embarrassed at the thought of you knowing about our past, so she made that comment to try and laugh it off and make a joke of it."

"Oh," I said. "That makes sense."

We lay in silence for a few minutes, each with our own thoughts. Drug use was something I'd never had experience of before hearing Nathan's story.

"Do you think she ever does it now?" I asked him. "Drugs?"

He sighed as he thought about it. "I wouldn't have thought so. She wasn't in as deep as me. And I was her... Uh..."

"Dealer?"

"It's not the word I'd use, but yes."

"I have one more question..."

"Bella, it's fine. You don't have to feel bad about asking questions. You can ask me anything. You deserve to know."

"I know, but really it's just something else that's puzzling me. If you knew how bad she was, then why did you hire her?"

"Because I was the only one who ever saw that other side to her," he replied simply. "At school she was fine. She covered it up well. In front of Dad, she covered it up well. Georgia and I were the only people who ever saw her at her worst. And at the interview, she looked different. I got a second chance, both with a job and a wonderful girlfriend who accepted me for who I was. I wanted to offer the same chance to Louisa."

"You're a good person, Nathan," I told him. "You're one of the kindest, most loving people I know. And the fact you've been through such a lot in your past, and yet you've turned everything around, including giving Louisa another chance, it just makes me love you even more."

He pressed his mouth roughly against mine and we shared a desperate kiss.

"I don't know what I've done to deserve you," he breathed against my mouth afterwards, his hand tangled in my hair. "But I'm sure as hell glad I did do it, whatever it was." 

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