Chapter 13 - "Grazie mille, Bella."

"It absolutely sucks that our anniversary is in the middle of the week."

Nathan looked up from his steak that he was sawing in half. "I know," he said lightly. "We'll still have dinner together though."

"Yeah. It'd just be better on a weekend so I could spend the whole day and night with you."

As arranged, Nathan and I had met up for dinner on Saturday night. We couldn't spend the whole weekend together so we'd compromised by just meeting up for food. On Wednesday it would be our one-year anniversary, and since I always liked to find something to moan about, I was complaining that having an anniversary mid-week sucked.

"We'll celebrate it properly next weekend, then," Nathan said. "You've not got plans, have you?"

I snorted. "When do I ever have plans that don't involve you?"

"You're at university now. University life can be very busy. Maybe you're all going to the cinema. Maybe you're all going shopping. Maybe you're all having a meal out together as a flat."

"You're above all of those things on my list of priorities. Especially since it's our anniversary."

Nathan winked at me across the table. "Grazie mille, Bella."

"Prego," I shot back with a smirk.

Nathan's smile widened. "It's so sexy when you speak Italian."

"Now you know how I felt when I found out you were almost fluent," I told him. "Perhaps you should give me private tutoring..."

"You don't know enough to benefit from tutoring yet. You can only say your name and where you're from. Once you start learning difficult stuff, then I'll help you out."

"Thanks for the support," I said dryly.

He winked again. "Anything for you, Bella. Are you gonna finish that pizza?"

"Nathan!" I gasped. "You've had a whole steak, portion of chips and salad all to yourself and now you're preying on my dinner?"

"I'm a growing boy, Bella."

"You're twenty. You're hardly growing."

"There's always room for improvement."

"You're big enough," I assured him.

And he was. I loved the amount of muscle on Nathan's body. It was a sexy amount, not too much that he looked overly huge and not too little that he looked weedy. He was perfect.

"I'm glad my size satisfies you."

I was about to slip a chunk of pizza into my mouth but froze upon hearing his words. A blush spread across my cheeks.

"That's not what I meant. Don't lower the tone."

"And they say size doesn't matter..."

"Nathan, we're eating."

"You're eating," he emphasised. "I finished ages ago and you're just too greedy to share."

It did come to a point during the meal, where I had to swallow my pride and accept that I couldn't eat any more of the pizza. Nathan was more than happy to finish it off for me. He was in a good mood today; he didn't seem as tired as he had been and his manner around me in general was a lot more relaxed. Maybe it was because we were becoming more open with each other, keeping the spark alive even though we weren't seeing each other as much.

After the meal we headed back to Nathan's flat to hang out. I was pleased to see that he'd managed to keep it reasonably tidy and even the sheets of paper on the dining table were looking more organised.

"Can you translate any of it?" Nathan asked from behind me, placing his hand lightly on my back as he leaned over my shoulder.

I laughed softly. "No. Of course not. What are they?"

"The pile on the right is English-to-Italian translations and the pile on the left is Italian-to-English."

"Which do you prefer?" I asked with interest.

"Italian to English," he replied, almost instantly. "It's easier."

I could understand that. I found translating into English easier too. As we settled down onto the sofa, Nathan flicked on the TV. Neither of us would watch it, but it hummed away in the background as we chatted.

"It's weird," I murmured, my eyes closed. I was lying on the sofa with my head resting in Nathan's lap. As he stroked my hair, I could feel myself drifting off to sleep.

"What is?" he murmured back.

"When we're together like this, it sometimes feels like we've never been apart," I said. "And yet I know that as soon as I leave here tonight and go home, I'm gonna feel lonelier than ever."

"I feel the same," he replied quietly.

"Although," I said, "I've always felt like that. Even before we started going out, I felt sort of lost without you, almost as if life was more boring somehow."

"Well, that doesn't surprise me. Your life was pretty boring before I showed up."

I was too tired for the banter, so I smiled instead, letting my senses concentrate on the feel of Nathan's fingers caressing my face as they slid over my nose and then began to trace my lips. When I opened my eyes to steal a glance at him, I found him looking straight down at me, almost with sadness.

"You okay?" I frowned. He'd been so happy earlier.

"I'm more than okay," he assured me, the smile returning. "You make me a happy man, Bella."

"You don't look happy."

He shook his head. "I am happy. I was just thinking about what you said."

"Which part?"

"About your life before me."

I nodded, urging him to continue. "What about it?"

He sighed and let his hand drop from my face, so that it was resting on my stomach instead.

"Nothing. It just made me think about my own life before you. And then my life when I met you..."

I could tell he was holding something back, debating whether or not to open up to me about this.

"You'd changed right?" I encouraged him to carry on talking. "You went away to Italy for a year, and you became a different person."

"That's what I thought," he murmured. "I didn't sleep with a single girl in Italy. I didn't even touch a girl. What happened to Georgia genuinely did shock me into changing. I didn't even want any of the girls in Italy. Then I came back here and got myself into a routine of living alone. In Italy I'd learnt to cook, so I managed to look after myself pretty well. It was an ideal situation. I had a house all to myself. I could have brought back hundreds of girls without worrying about anything. But I didn't even want to. I genuinely believed I'd grown out of it. Sex had lost its appeal. I'd seen what damage it could do and I didn't want to fuck about anymore."

"Well, that's good," I said, breaking up his speech. "You matured. You know, there are plenty of boys your age who are still really immature."

Nathan's eyes were still glazed over, though. He was deep in thought about something, probably to do with his past.

"So what's the issue? Surely you should be happy that you changed?"

"Oh, I am happy. You wouldn't have gone near me otherwise."

I laughed. "I did try to avoid you at all costs. But you were too persistent. I actually remember Kat warning me that you seemed like a bad boy."

He smiled, but I could tell he still wasn't completely with me.

"Carry on telling me about it. It's interesting. You barely ever talk about it."

"I don't want to tell you any more," he said eventually. "You're better off not knowing the rest."

That caused me to sit upright in curiosity. "No, go on. I can handle it."

"Can I ask you something?" His hand cupped my cheek as he stared into my eyes.

"Anything."

"At what point did you start seeing me in a more romantic way?" he asked quietly.

He seemed nervous and I wasn't sure why. What did it matter? I certainly saw him in a romantic way now.

"I'm not sure," I answered honestly. "I was confused a lot of the time. Obviously I had stuff going on with Matt, and then you were always there for me... At the time I felt like it wasn't possible for me to like anyone other than Matt. But, I don't know, looking back now, it seems strange to think that there would have been a time when I didn't see you in a romantic way."

"When I came back from Italy, I genuinely believed that I'd changed," Nathan continued. "And then I walked into that bar and for some reason I couldn't stop myself from engaging in conversation with you. No matter how many times you tried to shake me off, I couldn't stop myself. And at that moment, I was absolutely terrified that I hadn't changed at all. Because I wanted you. Obviously it wasn't romantic at that point since I didn't know you, but..."

"But...?" I urged, my heart thudding upon hearing this completely new piece of information, something Nathan had never shared with me before.

He sighed. "But, honestly Bella, at that point I wanted nothing more than to fuck you on that bar counter."

My mouth dropped open at his brutal honesty. "Why? All those attractive Italian girls and I was the one who brought out that side in you again?"

"I always enjoyed a challenge," he admitted. "I loved the games. I loved the chase. I suppose you reminded me of all that with how resistant you were. At least, that's what I told myself at the time."

"And then afterwards...?"

He sighed again. "I didn't hang around with you at school because you were the only person I knew. I'm not shy. I could have quite easily sat with anyone else. I hung around with you because you intrigued me. I wanted to find out more. And I couldn't understand why you were with a boy who didn't treat you well."

"Okay..."

"And then I got to know you more and I fell for you so badly. I would have literally done anything for you. I still would obviously. And it broke my heart over and over again when you kept going back to Matt after all the things he put you through. And then when I found out he'd cheated on you, I actually felt genuine pain because I knew how much it was going to hurt you since you quite obviously loved him, and the thought of you being hurt was unbearable."

"I never loved Matt."

Nathan's eyes focused on me for the first time since he'd start admitting all of his deepest secrets.

"You thought you did."

I shrugged with one shoulder. "I didn't know what love was until I fell in love with you. Matt was my first boyfriend, and not only that but he was also my best friend. Because of that and because it was so new to me, my feelings were intensified. But I didn't love him."

Nathan rested his forehead against mine. "You mean the absolute world to me, Bella."

"I don't know why you never told me all this before. I thought you fell for me during our friendship. I didn't realize you'd had it pretty bad for a while..."

"Because I didn't want to freak you out. I don't quite regard you as the innocent little soul that I first did... But I never actually wanted to admit that the first time I met you I wanted to bend you over the bar."

I laughed softly. "Well maybe one day we can role-play that situation..."

A smirk played on his lips as his hands tightened around my waist. "Bella, if you thought I was quick last time... If we role-played that particular situation, then I'd be finished before I was even inside you."

I spluttered with laughter at his crude words. "I can't believe you just said that."

"I can't believe you suggested role-playing."

Leaning into his mouth, I gave him a gentle kiss on the lips. "I think I know when it was."

"When what was?"

"When I realized how I felt about you. It was at that party, when I asked you to kiss me."

"Ah. That party."

I nodded. "Yeah. Because before you kissed me, I was still obsessing over Matt. I was hurting and bitter and...well, I asked you to kiss me and then I hated it. And I hated it because I wanted it to mean something and it didn't. That's when I realized that you were more than a friend to me."

Nathan nodded and kissed my forehead. "Look, I know I've been a bit up and down recently. And I know I was holding off on the sexual side of our relationship...and some of that was genuinely to do with us having a relationship that didn't rely on sex. But then it was also to do with how I felt. Sometimes, Bella, I still see you as the girl who didn't want to be with me and I find it hard to believe that now you actually do love me and..."

"You could have told me that, Nathan..."

"It's not easy," he said. "You needed reassurance that I still loved you and still wanted to be with you..."

"But I also needed reassurance that you were still attracted to me."

"Yeah. I know."

I shuffled in his lap to rest my head on his shoulder. "It doesn't matter how I felt in the past. I love you now and I'm always going to love you. So why now? Why tell me now?"

"I don't know...you were lying there so peacefully and I was watching and...it just made me reminisce a bit. Plus, well, next week we'll have been together a year. It's probably about time I started opening up to you," he added with a smile.

"I appreciate it."

We spent the rest of the evening cuddling in near silence. I was reflecting on Nathan's words and he was probably thinking about the past again. His honesty had certainly answered a lot of niggling questions in my head, and it had put my mind at rest to a certain extent.

A year ago, I was going through hell with Matt, struggling through one of the hardest times in my life. And now, a year later, I was as happy as I'd ever been. Happier, even. And all because of this boy, a boy who truly had turned my life around.

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