12:30 AM

Dear Dairy

It's me again, I needed to get a few things off my chest like... I don't know how I feel about this whole situation. I just don't want to feel anything. Above all Mason is so strange. I know I should not say this, he really helped me a lot and I owe him that but most of the time I just don't even get what he is saying. His eyes are like they are hiding so many things. One thing I will admit that he's smoking hot and gorgeous and I would have a huge crush on him If I had not met Zach.

I don't know if Zach loves me but I accept my love for him. Love is not always give and take. I should not expect anything from him. Love isn't a deal. I just feel bad that when he said those three words looking into my eyes and my whole world used to jump into heaven. When he would touch my skin and my body used to lighten up; It was all fake. He didn't even try to call me once. I am really surprised that being around Mason I managed to not to mourn over my relationship today. I felt light after sharing my pain with him. He's a stranger, I don't care even if he judges me. We will probably not meet again. There's just one thing which is bugging me. What did he mean by it's my fault? Why would he say that?

I was again doing everything to help myself sleep but I couldn't. I wrote everything which was going on in my mind but it isn't enough. The dairy doesn't talk back. Sometimes it's good that it doesn't speak in between or it doesn't judge your choices while you write your heart out inside it, but right now I wanted someone to help me get out of this situation. I just can't bear it anymore. I thought of losing someone you love is the worst thing but I was wrong. The worst feeling is when you start losing yourself. I think I am changing. I am not that old Veronica anymore. I shout at my mom, I drink without an ID, I bath in a stranger's house and I am--- just a total mess.

I didn't talk much with my mom after coming home. She asked how was the slumber party, and I lied again. I feel so bad when I do this to her. She believes me, she didn't even ask why I was so late or if I was actually doing a night over. I can feel the guilt  growing inside me and it's consuming me. I hate myself. And again my emotions covered me. I finally slept crying on my pillow.

Well, you know when you have a hell of a night, morning isn't gonna be like paradise. I just wanted to never open my eyes and to struggle through one more day. I closed all the windows and lights of my room and lay down on my bed while embracing the darkness. Darkness was more comfortable than going out in the light. I fixed my eyes on my dark wall thinking about how my life drifted to this edge. Well in a few seconds I got the answer. My phone beeped. I opened my Facebook and then my mind blew off.

Avril
You bitch. How could you do that to another girl?

I just hate you so much.

I was blown away. A total stranger was abusing me without a reason. I don't remember doing anything bad to anyone to deserve this hate. I messaged her asking why was she being so rude and she just kept abusing. Why is life getting cruel to me? Was this not already enough pain? I felt a anger inside me. How the hell that can girl abuse me like this! I swear she will regret if she watches my bad side. I try to keep my shit together and asked her to meet me in person. I wanted to know the whole story before changing the shape of her face. Bitch.