A poem.


This is an Untitled poem that I scratched together from almost 1 am, (to a little over 2am).
I need help naming it or maybe I'll just leave it with the document of my other dead poems hah..

Before you ask, I'm fine, really. Just thoughts over the years I never expressed. So if its cringe or it sounds like I'm attention seeking I'm sry, I'm half asleep, I'll regret posting it later lol.

I'm kinda bad at poems, the rhymes and techniques r basic, and towards the end the structure gets messy but please know I'm self aware. So ig that makes it all intentional.
Initially I wanted more structured repetition etc, but my feelings got the best of me and my aim changed so I left it. I think it's better that way :) my mind is a mess just like the poem

One last thing- It was meant to be short and now it's not. So it may not make much sense to u, but with the specific tone in my head it sometimes does to me esp when I read it slowly. Again there's noob rhyming so please read at a slow pace so u get what I'm saying. Otherwise it makes zero sense trust mee
So here goes...
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....

Staring in the mirror, I don't recognise who I've become,
Balancing my breath, feeling hollow, feeling numb.
I'm fine, I feel fine, I look fine, but my hearts heavy,
I always thought I was over this already.

Sometimes I can't eat, can't sleep, can't cry,
But there's no reason for this, I don't even know why.
Surrounded by the unfortunate, its upsetting,
So therefore my own pain I end up forgetting.

I have no reason to feel this way,
No reason to feel myself detaching away.
Sometimes I'm happy, I'll smile, I'll laugh,
But the second they leave I feel cut in half.

So how come you claim that we're
close?
Because again you're another who didn't notice, even when I needed you the most.
You needed me too I suppose,
So maybe it's my fault we're recently not as close.

You gave up. So I did,
So in the end all the emotions I hid.
I always thought it was nothing, just like you said,
But I realised I've felt this every day, I was easily mislead.

Over the years there's too much stuck in my chest,
So now there's no words, nothing expressed.
It's too late, it's been too long, I don't feel anything anymore,
I wish I could go back to the way it was before...

I hate myself, you made me have this hate,
You'll never admit putting me in this state.
At the same time it's not your fault it never was, I'm not a victim so I can't complain,
You yourself were always in pain.

You think I'm obsessed with myself, in the worst way possible,
But I hate myself, I find your thoughts impossible.
From words to actions, it's not like before,
I truly can't see anyone the same anymore.

If I don't visibly cry I'm not depressed,
That's all you've ever guessed.
But you yourself should know better than this,
But all the signs you've easily missed.

I gave up a long time ago,
Because I'm not special, that's all your words show.
So again I'll sleep on it, sleep the problems away,
So it'll build up, till there's nothing more to say.

If I died nobody would even know why, except me,
Because they have opinions based on assumptions, and I'm not allowed to disagree.
It's suffocating, I want it to end,
But for now I'll stay here and pretend...

So right now I'll stay this way,
Feeling my true self drift away,
Under the smiles, I leave on display,
As I drown in my empty heart, empty soul and empty mind,
You find me on the surface transparent, so you still remain blind,
Because I'm hollow, numb, empty- and the pieces of my true self you'll never find.

Because I don't even know it myself, I've left it all behind.

As soon as I open my mouth, you hate it,
Even when I'm quiet, stare aimlessly, and sit.
You think I'm attention seeking and I'm ungrateful,
Even thought that's what's drilled into my head to make me so shameful.

And you yourself told me, I've been through nothing,
So therefore I'm not allowed to feel something.
I'm empty and numb, my personality decaying,
But still you'll paint me to always be disobeying.

I give up. I do,
But I'll continue to pretend just for you.
Just a little longer I'll try, while you still keep your view,
On me, on my true self, on your false narrative that's only true to you.

I'm empty, numb, lifeless, only the mirror stays true,
And I deeply wish that you knew.
I'm breaking apart,
randomly crying, like a robot that discovered it had a heart.

I don't feel anything like before,
But at the same time I feel it all at once, but not like before.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,
Only then you'll realise your views on me were all lies.

I love you, I really do.
And I truly hope you still love me too.

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Written: 27/7/23

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