^(AMBIENCE INCLUDED)^

Trigger warning: talk (and recovery) of drugs/alcohol

[PRESS PLAY]

I was awoken by the sound of Gerard vomiting for the third time tonight. This time, I didn't bother checking the time. It didn't matter anymore. I dragged myself out of bed and rubbed my eyes as I groggily walked to the bathroom.

Even though I was completely exhausted, I had to stay up and help Gerard tonight. There was no use going back to sleep.

After a few minutes, I opened the bathroom door and knelt down next to him. I pushed the sweaty, black hair away from his face and kept another hand on his shoulder.

"I just want this night to be over," he said hoarsely.

I nodded. "Me too, Gerard. Me too. But we're going to get through it, okay?"

He sighed unconvincingly as he wiped his mouth and turned to look at me. With a gravely pale complexion, his face showed complete desperation. "You always say that," he then replied with a frown.

"But this isn't the first time something like this has happened," I started, watching Gerard's watery, red eyes trail off to the ground. "And you've gotten through the other times. If you can make it through those nights, you can make it through tonight. Let this be your drive to stop drinking and taking meds to ease the pain. Gerard, all of the harmful stuff you put into your body - I know it's not what you want."

He nodded slowly. "I-I just... I just would rather feel nothing than feel so depressed and anxious all of the time."

"But what you need to realize is that the drugs take away who you are."

If only he could see what he was doing to himself.

If only he could truly see what happened while he was drunk, high, or on meds.

He needed to see himself on the inside, not outside. The sweaty hair, the bloodshot eyes, and the inability to walk were only physical things that were obviously side effects of the drugs. Anyone could tell that he was drunk or high when seeing him in that state.

There was more, though. There was more on the inside that needed to be noticed by him, or else he would get even worse. He never realized that what he swallowed or smoked over time caused mental collapse. Gerard experienced mental collapse far too many times. Being drunk not only made him completely unable to know the difference between danger and safety, it made him feel hopeless and desperate. Those two feelings were never a good mix.

He winced as he took small steps down the hallway that lead back to the bedroom, clutching my arm for balance and shutting his eyes tightly with each movement. "My head is trying to kill me..."

I didn't think I could ever express how much his actions were scaring me. First the showing up at my house in the middle of the night, then the drunk driving, the meds, the drugs, the look on his face, the vomiting, and the wincing was honestly terrifying. Seeing him in a state where his head was hurting so badly that he couldn't even take a step was scarier than I though it would be.

"You're almost there," I reminded him, hiding the fact that I was shaking from fear. "You're strong."

He took deep breaths and continued taking small steps. By the time we had gotten to the bedroom, he was breathing heavily. I was so afraid that he was going to black out, because he sure showed it signs of it.

I handed him my plastic water bottle that was sitting on the nightstand. "Here. You're dehydrated. But drink slow, please. I don't want you to throw up again."

After he drank the water and set the plastic bottle down, I thought for sure that he was about to collapse. His hands were shaking mildly, and he blinked very slowly. The same, sickly pale color of his face was beginning to look worse by the second.

"Gerard, lay down. Please."

He did as told, while his whole body shivered. "I'm freezing," he said shakily.

I went over to shut the fan off and pulled the covers over him. It was no surprise to me that he had fever symptoms. He laid on his side, curling his legs up into his chest. I spooned him, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on the the top of his shoulder. "Close your eyes. Talk to me until you can sleep," I whispered. The darkness of the room engulfed my vision.

"You're a lifesaver," Gerard said shakily, in the softest voice.

I nuzzled in closer, tightening my arms and slowly drifting off to sleep.