Chapter Fifteen

A powerful thing, loneliness.

Ever fickle.

While I had welcomed it on my morning runs, it had provided me with time to clear my mind, to live within the Source with philosophical peace and wonder. Now it was a blanket, thick and suffocating despite the freezing temperature that brought snow to the land. It was an oppressive thing that filled my head with nothing, but the noise of anger and pain and fear. There was no one to turn to now with these things.

Twice, I'd risen to seek Geara, only to remind myself she was no longer with me.

I'd even started to call my brother's name, when I realized I couldn't remember it and even if I could, I didn't want to ruin the sealing. Anyway, my voice would simply echo back to me through the ruins, as it had the few times I called to Geara without thinking.

The silence responded, and my thoughts ran rampant. Cynicism poisoned my soul, charred it further than Atlan ever would have. And it was then I began to wonder...

Why?

Why did this happen? Why would the Source ever allow such a thing to take place? This was indeed our destinies, but why? Why were we to suffer in a place the Source wished to be paradise? Why give unto us such greatness, such wonder and beauty, and then viciously take it away thus? Why would the Source be so cruel?

Because that is how the Source is. A cruel dictator.

Was that me speaking to myself, or Atlan's words poisoning me further?

But in truth, why? Was the Source punishing me? Was I supposed to do this? Was this truly my path to follow, or had I taken a wrong turn? Had the Source wanted me to surrender to Atlan? If I had, would Geara and my brother still be here? What if I had done everything Atlan wished? Would the universe truly have ceased to exist, or was that the Source whispering tests into mine ear?

What if? What if? What if?

Why? Why? Why?

A clatter vaguely registered in my mind's ear, but the questions and the anger ran rampant until I felt as if my very blood was becoming black with taint.

"Oh, Joxeia." Who dares speak to me? Oh... Wait, that was Satanika. Had her voice come to question me too? To mock me? Would she also like to remind me of my mistakes? Would she also like to laugh at me for my stupidity? Would she like to remind me that there was truly no love in this world, merely for those who find need in it, not wish?

I heard footsteps, confused that my subconscious would register such silliness from emotional hallucination... No, this was not false. This was real. I could feel Satanika standing before me, her soft sniffling and choked back sobs before she spoke in a trembling whisper.

"Jo, you can't stay here," her words faded for a moment as she struggled to maintain composure long enough to speak, "You're hurting yourself even more by hiding." I lifted my head, my vision so accustomed to darkness that it took me a full moment to focus in on Satanika's tearful face. Gorgeous hazel eyes bloodshot from crying, dark bags weighing her lower lid, tears streaking her soft full cheeks. Her hair tied back intricately, wet from rain, and it took me a moment to realize that it was storming outside.

You emotions manifest as the weather.

Why?

You can't contain something for so long, sweet brother mine.

Ah, yes. I suppose my emotional turmoil did destroy the world outside, did it not? Yet, I could not find it in me to care of the downpour that raged both outside and inside my heart. And hearing Geara's voice in my head brought tears once more to my eyes, blurring my image of Satanika.

"Geara's gone." Tears streamed anew down Satanika's beautiful face, and she knelt before me, reaching out to take one of my hands, but I felt not her touch, for I was strangely numb.

"I know, sweetheart," she whispered, the endearment tickling something inside me.

"He is gone," I murmured. She swallowed hard.

"I know." Her sob broke. She dropped her head, her lips laying across the top of my hand, and a tear broke free from the confines of my eyes, sliding down to brush my lips before sailing down to my lap. The sight of that damned tear infuriated me abruptly, and I yanked my hand from Satanika's grasp to rub my eyes angrily, until I wished they would simply sink back into my skull and never see again.

It was then I noticed my helm, seated on the makeshift armrest of the seat, and I heaved the thing up, launching it across the room, my anger surging forth, lashing out. It only intensified when Satanika quickly rose to fetch it.

"Jo, don't take your anger out on them," she sniffed, checking the helm for damage, her astuteness of my anger only making my blood boil as I smelled the beginnings of her defense, "They just are--"

"Do not give me that bullshit, Satanika," I snarled, rising to my feet and hearing a particularly loud blast of thunder echoing through the sky, "Just shut up! I am so tired of your defense of them! They killed your brother! They killed all those creatures! They killed everyone! They took everyone away!" The anger rocked my frame so harshly that my knees buckled and I collapsed to the floor, breathing raggedly as I glared hatefully at my reflection in the dark dusty floor.

I heard Satanika approach, and my anger wished to lash out, but there was an exhaustion plaguing me from lack of sustenance. I could do nothing as Satanika took my face in her hands, lifting me to look upon her.

"No," she whispered, her thumbs stroking my cheeks, "Atlan did this. It was he who took Starkin from me. He who took all those creatures. Atlan took your brother and Geara. Twas not the Source. You cannot lay blame upon them."

"And why not," I sputtered indignantly, shoving her hands from my face as if they suddenly burned my skin and the violent movement caused my balance to rock back as I fell against the throne, my breathing ragged, "It was their prophecy that fucked us over! If they hadn't created Atlan...! If they had not made me as sullied as I am...! Everyone and everything would still be here! We would not be falling to our knees in ruination! Everything is gone, destroyed! We will be starting from scratch all over again!

"And what will you do? Join Atlan? Kill the Source?" Satanika challenged.

"And why shouldn't I," I demanded in a growl, clenching my fists over my knees, "Maybe Atlan was right all along. Maybe this is all just a sick twisted game to them, and in the end, no one wins! What is the worst that could happen should I join Atlan?" Satanika's eyes glowed with a sudden passionate rage and she lunged forward, snatching at a handful of my hair, making me gasp as several strands tore from the roots, and my fury burned in my eyes as I glared at her.

"Worst that could happen? Let us begin with the fact that you would be spitting upon the sacrifice of your brother and your sister! Upon that of mine brother, Starkin! And you think Atlan would simply welcome you with open arms? He asks not for your loyalty only, Joxeia, he asks for your soul and your body! What is the worst that could happen, you ask? After we spent a century battling him and his army of misguided fools? You would be betraying your destiny! The Source! You are the Demon of Creation! You will save us, save this universe!"

"I don't want it," I shouted back, struggling to break free of her hold, but she only wrapped her fingers tighter about my hair, infuriating me further, "I don't want this damned destiny! It is bloody and cold and I won't do it without my brother and Geara! I am tired of being a pawn to an entity that we have neither seen nor truly heard, less it will it so! The Source is no better than Atlan!"

Satanika's hand came across my face before I could register what was happening, and I froze, staring at her as she gripped the front of my chainmail, the small metal hooks pinching her skin until it bled, yet her eyes remained locked upon mine own.

"Do not dare compare them, Joxeia," Satanika bit out, then took a deep breath, and her tone evened out, despite the quivering anger in her words, "The world is not black and white. There is no evil and there is no good. There is only what is in between. Just as you do not have to follow your destiny the way the Source dictates, and you definitely do not need to rebel against your destiny to prove a point! If you side with Atlan, you are hurting so many people, more than just yourself, more than your siblings. You are hurting future generations." I swallowed hard as her words rang loudly in my head, as if joining the hum I'd been hearing since the day my brother and Geara had vanished before me.

And my tears returned anew.

"I don't want to go on living without them. I can't." The revelation burned my pride, broke my heart. Weakness possessed me, and Satanika's eyes welled with tears once more as she opened her arms, and I was suddenly reminded of Geara, of the way she opened her arms unto me, inviting me to seek comfort with her. And I melted against Satanika, pressing my face against her skin, savoring the way her arms wrapped around me, encasing me tightly as if she was fully prepared to defend me against the rest of the world.

"I know, Joxeia," she whispered, stroking my hair where she'd grabbed it, her touch now gentle and soothing, "Oh, believe me, Jo, I know... My heart bleeds every day without Starkin at my side. We were together since the beginning of time. He was the darkness to my light. He was my brother. He was my blood... Believe me, I do not wish to continue, do not wish to breath another day without him at my side. I wish so desperately to surrender... but we cannot."

"Why not?" I breathed. Geara had taken her way out. I may not be able to take their way, not without one of my siblings there to assist me in the sealing spell, but surely there was another way for me to sleep for eternity. No more thoughts. No more pain. No more anything.

"What is the point," I murmured, "If I should join Atlan, the world ceases to function. If I walk the path of my destiny, my world ceases to function... Everyone I have ever loved is gone. There is nothing left here. This world is cold and dark and empty and ugly. The last beauty died with Geara when she left me."

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Satanika whispered, making me look up at her to see her tears flowing freely now, "When I brought Love to this world, it wasn't supposed to be this way, Jo... But it has happened. And I know that right now, everything seems hopeless. But if love can survive no matter what reincarnation, then so can we."

"But why?" I pressed.

"Because love will be born anew," Satanika choked on a sob, then cleared her throat and looked down to meet my eyes, her hand brushing past my cheek and a chill crept through me as I remembered my brother's hand upon my face, "I am sure of this, Joxeia. We will find it again someday. We may not be able to bring back those the Source has taken from us, but damn it, Jo, we will find more people to love. I promise you. We will find love. In its purest form. Both of us. All of us."

I said nothing.

I was too tired to speak, too tired to move, too tired to think, and I closed my eyes, resting my head against Satanika's chest, allowing her warmth to comfort me as I slipped into sleep at long last.