Part 1

I wake up quite unhappy. It is Monday, which means I have to leave the safety of my own room. I get up and start getting ready. I take a shower and notice how skinny I've gotten. It makes me smile. I'm reaching my goal of 85 pounds. I am a 16 at 5ft 4in, so this is considered underweight. I know I am. But I honestly don't give a damn. I get out of the shower and wrap the towel snug around my skinny figure. I check my phone, 5:45. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I hurried to my room making sure not to make any noise. I shut the door and locked it. My room was quite tiny, at least I don't have to share. I put on some underwear, noticing the scars on my arms and thighs. I had a flashback of my first day of high school.

Flashback

I walked through the halls clutching my books. I became anorexic the year before in 8th grade when my crush called me a fat cow that does nothing but eat slop. A girl in the same grade as me walked up to me at my locker and slammed my head into it while I was trying to put in the combination. I yelp and held my forehead. I pulled my hand away and saw blood. My eyes went wide. I started shaking.

"Look girls, the slut it shaking. She must be scared shitless right now," then she spoke to me," You're just a dumb, ugly, white haired slut that is to afraid to even speak up for herself. You're fat ass self needs to die so we don't have to see that ugly face anymore. I bet even your brothers hate the sight of your slut self." By now I was bawling. Everyone in the hallway started laughing. I ran into a unused supply closet and cried for what felt like hours. I snuck out of the school without be caught and ran into some woods. I grabbed the blade I kept in my bag and rolled up my sleeves. I cut my wrist until I couldn't feel anything. I put the roll out bandages on my arm and rolled down my sleeves. I couldn't feel anything. I sat there in a numb pain. I thought about downing the bottle of mixed pill I kept in my bag but decided against. I walked home. It was about 5:00. I walked through the door seeing my parents waiting on the couch already knowing that i was in trouble.

"Where were you young lady?" My mom spoke," The school called and told us that you never showed up to your classes. I'm disappointed in you for skipping," she continued on but i just stared, numb to her words. After she finished, she went up stairs. I skipped dinner like always. Nobody cares, just assuming I have a small appetite. I go into my room and cry some more. It was a silent cry. I hear a knock on my door.

"Linka?" It was Loki. He's in college along with Loni and Luke. They visit everyday. Loki works morning shifts and takes afternoon classes so he doesn't go home until 9pm. I don't answer him.

"Linka?" he asks with more concern, he tries to open my door realizing quickly that it's locked," I've been worried about you. If you ever need to talk or get away for a while, I'm only a few houses away."

"Okay," i say in the strongest voice i could muster," Thanks, Loki." He walked away and i cried more. I cried myself to sleep, guessing a fell asleep around 3:30.

End of Flashback

I snapped back into reality and got dressed. I brushed my hair and put in my clips. I did my make up so i would look less ugly. Like it helped much. I always wore baggy warm clothes. I'm always cold and I don't like people seeing how skinny i am so they don't worry. I push people away. My friend turned against me once we entered high school. I'm all alone. My grades are fine because i do my homework but i usually don't pay attention in class. Sometimes i skip school completely. My parents don't care anymore about me skipping, as long as my grades stay above a C. I finished getting ready and walked to school, telling myself I need the exercise.

At School

I go to my locker and quickly grab my stuff. Two notes fell out of my locker. One from the girl who bullies me and one from a boy who I shall not mention. I put them in my bag decided to read them later.

After school

I immediately run up to my room, avoiding everyone. I lock the door and dig the notes out of my bag.

From Chloe, (Yuzuki: sorry to anybody named Chloe)

You should just kill yourself already. Nobody needs you and your slut self. You really are just a fat ass nobody. Your brothers don't even love you. Just slit your wrist in die you pathetic bitch

I cried silently as I open the other note

From Jake, (Once again, sorry to anybody named Jake)

Summer was great don't you think. I would hang out with you again, but you're to slutty for me. You're also really ugly so i don't want anything from you again.

I dated Jake during the beginning of summer, thinking it was normal. He beat me and the raped me when I wouldn't have sex with him. He stole my virginity and for that I will never forgive him.

Flashback

Jake took me out to the woods to look at the stars. We had been dating for three weeks now and he started hitting me. He was nice at first, he told me he beat me out of love. I believed him. We were sitting in the middle of a field, miles away from people. His parents owned the land. He comes from a rich family. I decided to wear a dress. One long enough to cover my scars, so knee length. It had long sleeves and was a button up from the waist. He started to put his hand up my thigh. I slapped his hand away, this made up angry. He pinned my hands above me and started unbuttoned my dress.

My voice came out weak," no, i don't want this. Please stop, you're hurting me." I struggled against him.

"I'll hurt you a lot more if you don't hold still," he hissed at me. I froze. I felt my shirt be fully unbuttoned and he started playing with my breast. He had an evil smile. He took off my panties. I was still frozen, unable to speak or move. He shoved  himself in me roughly. This caused me to yelp in pain. He didn't wait, he did what he wanted, causing me great pain. I finished and then he through a towel at me. He left me there. I felt something coming out of me. I soon realized it was blood. I cleaned up using the towel and put back on my underwear. It was extremely painful to walk. I buttoned back up my dress and didn't even bother to fix my extremely messed up hair. I fell in the field and bawled my eyes out. Not caring how loud I was. I ended up falling asleep there. I woke up at around 2 in the morning and called Loki to come get me. I walked to the end of road not to far from here. Loki picked me up. I had a deep bruises on my legs and one on my cheek.

"What happened to you?" he asked with wide eyes. I didn't answer. I stared out the window as Loki drove me home. My make up was probably a mess but I didn't care. I struggled not to cry. He parked in the drive way. I went to get out but he held my wrist. I winced as he grabbed a little hard and there were still some somewhat fresh cuts there. He didn't seem to notice

"Stay safe," he said. I wanted to break down in tears and tell him everything. Something stopped me from doing so. I ran out of the truck, into the house, and into my room. I cried silently as I cut up my arms and thighs. It was a mixture of deep and shallow cuts.  lie on my back and stared at my ceiling until it was time to get ready for school. Everyone heard about what happened, but there was a difference in the story. He had told everyone that I had begged him for it to happen. I covered up the bruise on my cheek with a really good coverage foundation. I left school around the beginning of 3rd hour. I went into the woods to my tree. I cried and went home around 5. I went straight from the door up to my room not uttering a word.

End of Flashback

I snapped back into reality, bloodied blade in hand, wrist cut up. I sighed. Sometimes that happens when I'm alone. I go into a flashback and when I snap back I'm either hurting myself or about to kill myself. Luckly, this has never happened in front of anyone. I cried. I fell asleep around 3.

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