Title: The Party

Author: _BlindDreams_

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: pg-13 (drinking)

# of chapters: 12 (ongoing)

# of chapters I read: 2

Summary/Blurb: 

Every year, the Henderson's go on vacation, but they always leave for one week. During this time, it is tradition for the teenagers in the town to break in and throw a party while they are gone.

Sophie thought that nothing big happened in her small town; Avandale, Kentucky, that is- until she was told the Henderson's were coming to town. Why would that matter to her? The only way to describe it is with one word: Party. Sophie knew that she would be forced to go by Angela, her best friend, even if she didn't want too. So why make it harder on the both of them, and just go?

Sophie was a shy, trust issued teenager almost in senior year. After having to move in with her Aunt Linda, she never was able to trust anyone easily after her parents death. But then Angela came along, and Sophie was finally able to open up to someone, other than her aunt.

Now meet Jadam. Jadam Henderson, or also known as Jadam Blair, he's the one who started the whole rumor. As he tries to spread the word of the party, by using his fake name, he attracts Sophie's attention and all she wants to know is who he is, and more about this party.

Will Sophie find out Jadams true secret about who he is, along with any other ones he has? Or will she finally open up to someone other than her best friend and aunt?

Review:

Cover:

The background doesn't really scream "party" at me. It looks more like the Great Barrier Reef than a crowd of raving teenagers, even more-so because of the sky (which looks like dirty water) and the fact that the arms look like sea anemones. The stickers are all blurry and hard to read, and I'm not too much of a fan of the font used for the title + author's name either. The whole ensemble looks really dodgy and not altered very well.

So my suggestion for this would be to get an actual photo from a beach/house party or something and use it as your cover—you need bright, effervescent colors that really illustrate a crazy party. Also the font of the title needs to be funky to match.

Overall—The cover looks like the zombie tsunami from World War Z.

Blurb:

Damn, this is a really long blurb. There's way too much information given away—you practically gave me a summary of the plot. Additionally, some sentences were worded a little awkwardly, making the content kind of hard to understand, and some paragraphs didn't seem connected to the previous one. For example, the paragraph about Sophie being a teenager with "trust issues" should go before the one about her believing nothing happens in her small town.

So I'll just tell you which parts can be cut from the blurb:

1. "Every year, the Hendersons go on vacation, but they always leave for one week."—the part about them leaving specifically for one week is unnecessary.

2. The whole part about Sophie's parents dying, her moving with her Aunt etc. is unnecessary. It contributes nothing to the blurb—you should be placing more emphasis on this party rather on the character's backstory, because the event is what the story revolves around.

3. The part about Jadam having a secret name, etc., that's also a plot give away. I'm pretty sure we won't know that Jadam is using a fake last name until later on in the story (unless you do POV switches), so don't put it here now. Keep that element of mystery here.

Okay now to the parts which I found a little strange to read.

1. "During this time, it is tradition for the teenagers in the town to break in and throw a party while they're gone."— This doesn't really make sense; so Jadam doesn't go on vacation with his parents? Jadam's parents go on holiday leaving him home alone? Why is it a tradition to break into someone's home to party lol There are usually summer raves on the beaches and stuff.

This leads to the next part:

2. "[...] until she was told that the Hendersons were coming to town."—This makes the family sound like a circus. Like "hey kids, the Hendersons are coming to town!" The way it's written now makes it seem as if the family moves town a lot, when in reality, they're just going on vacation. So if Sophie is in a different town than the Henderson's (because it says that the Hendersons are coming to her town) that would mean that they left their house in the other town abandoned...?

3. I don't get what Sophie's aunt and trust issues have to do with a random party thrown at someone's house. It's also unexplained how her parent's death caused trust issues—did a close friend murder her parents or something? It would make more sense if Sophie was very sheltered; her Aunt has to raise the girl alone, hence she imposes rules on Sophie (no going out at night, no hanging with boys, etc.). In that case, it would make sense that Sophie would want to go to this crazy party, because it gives her a chance to let loose and really live as a teenager.

But right now, as it's written, I can't see the correlation between trust issues caused by her parents' death, and going to a party....

Also, check your grammar—you mix up the possessives with the plurals.

Overall—I haven't even started the book that I'm already confused about what the plot is meant to entail. The questions at the end: "Will Sophie find out Jadam's true secret about who he is, along with any other ones he has? Or will she finally open up to someone other than her best friend and aunt?" are completely unrelated to this 'party' (as well as being unrelated between one another. If you reread them, it will make sense why). I'm hoping that things will be clearer in the story itself, but for now, I suggest you restructure/rewrite this blurb. 

Now, for the story!

First Impression:

There was a lot of positive energy in the first chapter, especially in the opening sequence. The excitement of the protagonist and her friend Angela was practically tangible—I found it hard not to smile at the exchange between the two girls. At times, I did find it a little overwhelming, mainly because their seventeen-year-olds and not tweens, but to each their own.

What I really liked is how strong the bond within the friendship group was. It really seemed genuine to me; nobody harboured life-changing secrets, and, hopefully, it will remain this way throughout the duration of the story. Jadam is obviously the one with something to hide, as the second chapter shows us, but of course the big reveal will happen much later, and will probably be the climax of the novel. 

The protagonist, Sophie, seemed to be laid-back, in the sense that she wasn't as hyperactive as Angela. I could tell that you were trying to make this character more...unique in a way, more like an average teenager than a fictional one (although tbh when I go over to my friends house we always do our nails lmfao) but I don't want to be told about how she's different. I want it shown to me. Because otherwise, it makes the character sound pretentious in a way—"Oh, I'm not like OTHER girls *scoffs* I watch Netflix!" and nobody likes a protagonist that comes across like that. You can only really make her more 'real' through the dialogue and her actions, as with all the other characters. 

In addition to Sophie, I found it a little difficult to differentiate between the other three friends—their personalities seemed to overlap over one another. A physical description of each girl  isn't enough for me to create distinct mental images. In fact, it's suggested that instead of writing a paragraph (or a sentence in your case) about what they're wearing, it's more effective to intertwine this within the story. 

For example: 

"Oh, I almost forgot! Do you remember Luca from last night?" she says anxiously.

"Yeah, I think so..." Do I remember him?

 Instead of using an adverb to describe the way they talk, it's more powerful to show description (and emotion) through body language.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Angela says, flipping her blonde hair over a shoulder. "Do you remember Luca from last night?" On her question, there is an inflexion of nervousness—it throws me off, especially since I have no idea who she's talking about.

"Yeah...I think so." I enunciate every word slowly, giving away my cluelessness.

Through that small interaction, I managed to make the characters sound more life-like than they did before—this should go for the rest of the characters, especially when you have several of them talking at once.

Which brings me to the next point—I felt like the majority of the first chapter was dialogue, and it was pretty mundane. It didn't really move the plot forwards, until we got to the point where they started talking about the party (more about this later). I suggest that instead of having the girls talk about what guys they met and saw at the party from the day before, that you spend the time describing the area through Sophie's perspective—it would also be a good time to talk about how constricting living with her Aunt is ( I know you will probably delve into this later in more detail, but it's good to start feeding this in from the beginning). There wasn't a lot of detail regarding the setting, so you want to place this more into context as well.

Now, with regards to the party, I mentioned how in the blurb it wasn't clear where the location of it was supposed to be, amongst other things, but even in the first chapter I found things to be a little vague. 

"They usually go on a camping trip for a week and someone always breaks in and throws a party there. I was told they are supposed to rend the Lake House next weekend."—In the blurb it said that the Hendersons always go on vacation for one week. Which implies that they spend the rest of the summer vacation back at home. But I don't understand what's the point of the parents going camping, and leaving the teenagers behind at a rented house...like why not leave them back at home and take the trip for themselves? It seems like the rented-out Lake house is an arbirtray plot device—you have to slot the party into the story somehow, but it doesn't make sense, logically speaking. 

The second chapter doesn't clear this up either: "My parents always take a camping trip during this time and leave me and my sister stuck at the house for four days." The aforementioned points apply to this as well. 

Writing Style:

Some issues with your sentences, mostly where it's unclear to which subject the action is attached.

For example: "I pull up into the driveway, killing the engine and taking off my sunglasses, I toss them onto the passenger seat."—"I toss them" seems like it's connected to the "driveway", when in reality you meant the sunglasses.

The correct sentence is: "I pull up into the driveway, kill the engine, then take off my sunglasses and toss them onto the passenger seat."

Example 2: "Grabbing my duffel with my sleepwear for tonight from the back, I slam the car door, protesting in response with an ugly sounding groan."—In this case, it seems like the protagonist is protesting, not the car door. The correct version is: "I grab my duffle bag from the back (with sleepwear for tonight is redundant. What else could she have in that bag?), exit the car, then slam the door behind me, which groans in response. (There was also no mention of her exiting the car before closing the door. So I added that in.) 

The vocabulary is a little on the simple side—which results in a lack of depth in the characters (I've given examples before) and the setting, making it difficult for me to visualise the events. There is a lot of showing, and not telling, and Sophie unfortunately falls into the cliché of the Mary Sue protagonist. There is an element of self-insertion by the author—you try too hard to make this character "different" from the others that not only do her friends kind of lack their own personalities, but even Sophie fell a little flat. Remember, the first person POV gives you the leeway to add color to the narration, and give your narrator/character a strong voice. I need to hear that Sophie is speaking to me, as a true human being, not as just a character in a book. 

Characters:

Sophie—The protagonist. As I said earlier, she falls into the 'Mary Sue' cliché. She's the typical orphan taken in by a family member (who of course will be very over-protective) and tries very hard to make a point of the fact that she's not like 'all the other girls," which according to her, paint their nails do their makeup at sleep overs, and act 'girly'. This generalisation makes the character appear close-minded and 2D, even though this obviously wasn't what you were going for. 

Angela—The hyperactive best friend. Is in a better family situation than Sophie, and falls into the 'other girls' category which Sophie talks about in the first chapter. You try to make her preppiness not as obvious by saying that her excitement is a one time thing, as mention in: "Today, Angela seems to show her girly side more than normal." (All because she talked about boys with great excitement). She clearly seems to be Sophie's polar opposite, but again, not a very rounded character.

Sara and Danielle—Both girls behaved a lot like Angela.

Jadam—A bored rich boy. 

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 6.5

Too good to be a six, but isn't quite a seven. I think the overarching party idea is good, but it's hard to get into it when it's flawed—there are also other issues which need to be worked upon, so I suggest that you discuss these with your editor (if they're still editing your work). This story has a potential, and it was a fun read. Good luck