Title: How to Save a Life

Author: TheVenn

Genre: TeenFic/Short Story

Rating: PG-13 (I think at least...)

# of chapters: 10

# of chapters I read: 10

Summary/Blurb: 

"Life is like a rollercoaster that you just can't wait to get off."

Alex is suicidal. Alex is depressed. This much is true. When Emma finds her crying in the girls' toilets, she tries to help, but she makes a fatal mistake in telling her friends. Word spreads and Alex is labeled as the coward, and Emma knows that she is to blame. She's determined to fix things, but how much can you help before you ruin everything?

Review:

Cover:

How to Save a Life. I like the title and correlated subtitle—the blurb speaks about a girl trying to help another girl out of depression, but of course it's not something that is simple to do and get it over with in a couple of hours. I like the idea of the cover—at first, I was going to suggest showing what depression is to many people (drowning, darkness from within, etc.), but because the conflict in this story is external, I think it matches up with the shadow hands. My only concern is that fact that the cover is in black and white (not very eye-catching if you confront it with other works) and the title, author's name, and subtitle are all in the same font. It just looks like you overlaid the text on the image; I suggest that you get a designer to help you find something more eye-catching (check in the Multimedia thread). 

Blurb:

The blurb really hooked me, because of the topic it revolves around: depression. A lot of Teenfics use depression as a sort of "character trait" you know, something to spice up the character a bit more, to get the reader to feel sympathy for them. But making this the theme of your story is an entirely different matter, and I'm hoping that you will approach the subject with great seriousness—depression isn't a girl with tear-streaked cheeks, crying over a toilet with a razor in hand.

Depression, as with all mental illnesses which are unfortunately romanticized, is an internal battle which, if lost, can lead to dire consequences. The plot line seems simple enough, which is understandable—the characters aren't going on some kind of crazy adventure, it's all about fighting these internal demons.

The only thing you should probably change is some of the wording:

a) "[...] but she makes a fatal mistake in telling her friends."—I don't think "fatal" is contextually correct, because the mistake doesn't get either Emma or Alex killed. I think this mistake is tied to naivety, to the fact that Emma probably thought that by telling her friends about this, they would help her help Alex. So I think the right word should either be naive or synonymous with it.

b) "Life is like a rollercoaster that you just can't wait to get off"—There is an "of" missing after off.

Other than that, I'm interested to see where this story goes. 

First Impression:

I found myself breezing through all the posted chapters because how compelling they were. I'm not going to talk about the length (the chapters are relatively short, but not one-paragraph-short)—in the author's note, it's stated that is a personal choice. This leaves little room for description/setting, etc. and while this would've been a problem in any other scenario, I find that this works well with this particular story.

By keeping everything a little vague (for example, we aren't given any background on the characters, we don't know where they live, etc.) this helps make the characters and story more relatable. It shows that what happens to Alex/Emma can pretty much happen to anyone, in spite of differing outside factors.

Additionally, I didn't find the switch in POV jarring (each chapter was from one of the girl's perspective. So they alternated between each other) because it was done well and there wasn't a redundancy in the scenes. So, for example, in the first chapter, Emma finds Alex crying in a cubicle, and it's in Emma's POV. But the second chapter isn't the exact same scene but through Alex's perspective (she talks about this experience in her inner musings later on in the story), which, if it had happened, wouldn't have done anything to move the plot forwards.

There are, however, a few things I think could be improved upon, so I'll just list them:

a) Emma has never met Alex before, on any other occasion (they aren't classmates it seems), yet, Emma immediately assumed that Alex was depressed. Realistically, this wouldn't happen—Alex could have been crying for a number of reasons. Failed a test, family problems, didn't complete an assignment, etc. I think it would be more credible if Emma had heard Alex crying in the bathroom a lot, and only then decided to do something about it (because she felt guilty about the fact that nobody is helping her out).

b) In the second chapter, I didn't realize that the guy was Alex's boyfriend until the end, where they held hands on the bus. From his egotistical attitude, he came across as a bully. In fact, I actually thought that he was going to push her around or something, so I think you should make it clear that this guy is her boyfriend.

c) In the third chapter, I think you could up the shock factor by not making Emma's friends come across as heartless bitches, because if they reacted so cruelly to this, then it means that there must've been other situations where they showed zero empathy for someone in need. So if this was the case, why would Emma tell her friends if she knew how gossipy they were?

Point is, if you make them come across as concerned (even if it's fake we don't have to know this), then it will come as a surprise to both Emma and Alex when word spreads about the girl's depression. Emma will justifiably be remorseful, but not because she purposefully put Alex in danger, but because she herself put her trust in the wrong people. I hope that makes sense.

d) In chapter 4, I found it hard to believe that the gossip spread like wildfire before the day had even begun—in reality, it would take a day or even a couple of days for things to start getting around. It cannot be something that's rushed, even in the age of social media. (This will also add to Emma's belief that her friends didn't tell anyone about this secret. But it will be a double whammy when she finds out that they broke their promise)

I think you get the idea. Because this story is based a lot on character development, it's important that you let it run its course without rushing through the events. Even if the chapters are short, this doesn't mean that the timeline has to consist of a couple of days.

Writing Style:

The thing I noticed the most is your use of adverbs—adverbs are a big no-no in writing because it tells me that you're afraid of expressing yourself, or lack the vocabulary to do so efficiently.  For example, "It's nothing," she says quietly. There are tons of other words to use instead of "says quietly", such as whispered, muttered, mumbled, murmured, etc. because "quiet", itself, indicates a lack of sound. Another example is, "she laughs softly"—instead of that you could use chortled, chuckled. There are a lot of other examples out there, and I suggest that you go through them and spice things up—remember, also, that you don't have to have a dialogue tag after every piece of dialogue. You can show a character's emotions through their gestures and facial expressions—the way they say something is only a tiny piece of the puzzle, what really brings them to life is how their behavior.

I'd also keep an eye out for the lack of punctuation, and at times, sentences that are logically incorrect: "Normally, I would have just assumed that it was a random girl, but if she's crying, I feel like I have the moral obligation to help."—Well, it's a girl's bathroom, so, of course, the person crying is a girl. 

Characters:

Emma— Emma is a beautiful soul. She represents those people who will help those in need and make the mistake of seeking help from others, even though they may not be reliable. Even after getting her ass beat (and threatened) she's still forgiving, and doesn't go out and actually spread rumours about Alex‚ or press charges—at least not yet.

Alex—A broken soul. I'm unsure from where her depression derives from; her emotionally manipulative boyfriend or if for some other factor, which I have yet to see in the story. I don't think she's sad just for the sake of character, I think there is a myriad of reasons as to why she is, and I'm hoping that this will be revealed later on in the story. 

Matt—Alex's emotionally abusive boyfriend. I think he's all bark and no bite, but this kind is the worst because nobody ever believes a victim unless they are bruised and battered. I think it's BS because psychological abusive is just as bad as the physical, and, more often than not, is brushed off and overlooked. I hope this guy gets what's coming to him.

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 7.5

This is a good read, and even though there are only 10 chapters, the story is very easy to follow and get through. I found myself rooting for Emma and Alex—they are both relatable characters for anyone who has suffered from depression and/or knows someone who did. I'm hoping to see some more emotional depth in Alex (but also Emma) as we learn more about them and their lives, and hopefully both girls will grow and flourish from this horrible experience

Good work and good luck!