Title:Title: Scion

Author: LB Norton (lambertnorton) 

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG-13

# of chapters: 5 (ongoing) 

# of chapters I read: 2

Summary/Blurb:

When Amarnissrian soldiers occupy his village, sixteen-year-old Innugehn must fend off their advances to protect his home. In the midst of his efforts, a terrible power is unleashed that destroys not only the soldiers, but his entire community. Fleeing the ruins of his old life, Innugehn is captured by Inckhanaran forces, who offer him a fresh start in exchange for his servitude.

But not all is as it seems—whispers in the shadows tell of a treacherous plot afoot. While under military custody, the Amarnissrians approach Innugehn with a stunning revelation, one that leaves him questioning his allegiance. Trapped between two warring nations, tangled in a web of deceit, Innugehn must decide whom he can trust... and uncover the truth behind his past.

Review:

Cover:

I actually debated about whether I should say this or not, due to its high score on the 'nasty' scale, but I decided that it's vital that I let you know. My thoughts could be shared by others, and I much rather make you aware of them.

The naked guy on the cover looks like he's either a) getting a blowjob by someone or b) playing with his dong, all from behind the comfort of a silky red curtain. There, I said it! I couldn't be the only one that was thinking it! (Plus, you've concealed his butt crack with the author's name. If that's not suggestive, I don't know what is. I don't even want to think about what your search history looks like.

The tattoo on his back (is it a separate picture, layered onto his back?) looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener. Even if it was supposed to look like it was branded, I still think that it could look better. I'm also kind of concerned about those two gashes in his back—he needs to get those clean up asap, or they will get infected.

I know that Fantasy writers are all for quirky titles, so instead of assuming that 'Scion' doesn't mean anything, I decided to do the smart thing and look up in a dictionary what it means. Aside of the completely unrelated definitions, such as arm/limb, most of the definitions hint towards 'heir' 'descendant' or offspring. Having read the blurb, this title does have a connection to the story, in fact, the last sentence "and uncover the truth behind his past" basically gives a justification to your title.

I keep reading it as "Sigh-on", and after another brief consultation of the dictionary, it's the right way to say. Phew.

Overall—This story better be PG-13. 

Blurb:

The first two sentences were one big yikes. It made me think of that scene from Sia's "Titanium" music video, where the kid punches the earth and everyone around him flies away. I bet this is how the book is going to open, and I can't wait to see it happen. It's tragic, but at the same time, I find it hilarious.

Apart from the unpronounceable names (did you use a fantasy name generator) I liked this blurb. It introduces the main character, his destructive powers, the setting, and the conflict question. It's all very compelling, and even though I have no idea about these "warring nations", I'm interested to find out more about them.

I feel bad for Innugehn—he decimates the soldiers of one nation, but then gets caught by the other (in all honesty, he did the Inckhanaran forces a massive favor. He saved them a lot of unnecessary deaths if they were heading over to occupy the village).

There was one thing that confused me a bit, and it was this part: "While under military custody, the Amarnissrians approach Innugehn with a stunning revelation."—Wasn't the kid under the custody of the other nation? Why would they let their enemy just waltz in and speak to their prisoner?

Overall—I'm excited! 

First Impression:

The beginning was amazing! You had me engrossed in your writing, you shrouded the prologue with mystery and ambiguity, but not the kind that would usually make me raise my eyebrow. There were so many things that were unsaid, but could be understood just by reading in between the lines. I'm pretty sure that the reason the whole village was annihilated was because the boy was being abused by his father (or guardian).

The best part is that you didn't even have to say so! I could easily tell through the kid's reaction to the traveller and his dejected state—he showed all the signs of physical abuse. I'm starting to think that his powers only activate when he's being threatened, but I can only know for sure once I read beyond the prologue.

The description of the setting was beautiful. The stillness of the village gave me goosebumps, but I think what really did it for me was the fact that even though all living beings had died, the clocktower, and nature kept functioning as if nothing ever happened. That's what made the scene—when someone, somewhere dies, life goes on. (You've also managed to do all of this without a single piece of dialogue, so kudos to you for that.)

My only comment about the prologue would be to not have that switch in the POV. We meet the boy anyway through the traveller's eyes, and I think this meeting is a lot more impactful. The boy will make an appearance in the next chapter anyway (when he's older). It also serves as a kind of build up—we have the traveller trotting along, as if nothing happened, but as he nears the city, he notices that something is a little off, and only once he enters it does he notice that everyone is dead. I think this would be a lot more powerful than foreshadowing it through the kid's POV.

The first chapter was just as great—there was a little more action this time, and I even got to meet a wolf-spirit! There are still a lot of questions going around in my mind, like was the traveller Inn's uncle, or the wolf-spirit? I thought that perhaps it was the spirit, since he seemed very protective of him, but I could be wrong.

I only have two suggestions to make:

1) Clarify that soldiers had entered the village, because I thought that perhaps there would be some sort of fence encompassing it, protecting the people from intruders. Also, how weren't there any people roaming outside? Was everyone inside their homes? I would've expected at least one person to see them and scream or something, right before the soldiers shot him and went to kick down the house.

2) I'm not sure exactly what time period it is (even though it's a fictional place, some elements are taken from real life), maybe it's the 17th century? The place looks pretty remote, and the soldiers use muskets. Also, make sure that there is a clear distinction between the village in the first chapter and the city in the prologue. There is a big different in terms of housing, etc.—

For example, when the soldiers kick down the door of the first dwelling, say that it's a wooden cabin, rather than a house. A house makes me think that it's made out of bricks, when in reality, in your story they are probably made out of wood (since the village is right next to a forest). I'd also like an indication of what Inn is wearing (not a paragraph description, more like a one liner about him wearing a fur coat or something)—so that I can gain a general understanding of what the villagers wear.

Other than that, I think Inn's character really shines through in this chapter. I could sense his fear, his worry, even throughout the dialogue with the spirit—it makes me happy to see that he managed to recover from that traumatic past experience, and I defs want to read more. 

Writing Style:

The grammar and punctuation were almost flawless. There was only one moment, in the prologue, where a couple of sentences began with an unclear subject: "Eyes fluttered open, tiny, terrified slits at first, then wider when no immediate danger presented itself." The way it's written now, makes it unclear about to whom the eyes belong to. It's the kid's eyes, not some other person's eyes. 

Other than that, you established the setting and protagonists well, and the writing was vivid and engaging. It's not easy to write in the third person limited and still be able to have this 'closeness' between the protagonist and the reader, but you've done it very well. I found myself rooting for the character, and you conveyed his emotions very well. *thumbs up*

Characters:

Innugehn— The protagonist of the story. He was abused as a kid, but I found its presentation to be very realistic. After being mistreated for so long, I can feel the connection he has between his uncle (aka his savior) and his new village, the place that took him in after being treated like shit for the best part of his childhood. He's very brave for putting the life of others before his own.

Chanti— The badass wolf-spirit, the protector of the forest and of the protagonist. He has an imposing presence, and despite your justification for his kneeling, I think you should remove it. It was odd, and I think it would be a lot better if he just put a hand on the kid's shoulder or something, and make a comment on how much he had grown or something.

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 9 

I thoroughly enjoyed this story, it was an amazing read. There is a lot of action and intrigue already, but something tells me that things are going to escalate soon. 

By the way, I'm adding this to my Diamond In The Rough reading list! Awesome work!