Title: The Secrets Inside

Author: YoungGirlBookLover

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: PG-13

# of chapters: 1

# of chapters I read: 1

Summary/Blurb: 

Evangelina Grout lives a pretty extravagant lifestyle. Her father being a very successful actor, gives her the life of luxury. However, Evangelina doesn't have as much luxury as people believe her to have. She has her own secrets too, like her father being an alcoholic. She confines her worries in her closest friend, Scottie, the son of the Carlyle family.

Scott Carlyle is the son of the mafia boss. He grew up to his father dealing with all sorts of no good stuff. After watching his father throughout his life, he developed a sense for justice. As he starts to dig into his own family business, he finds things he shouldn't on his closest friend.

Soon, the members of the Carlyle family start being killed by a man named "The Author", and Scott and Evangelina know it's their job to find out who's causing this, but as they come closer to the truth, and each other, the more family secrets come to light.

Review:

Cover:

A two-lane road with no clear ending or beginning shrouded in darkness. I wonder what this imagery is supposed to mean in the story—it doesn't have to do with runaway teenagers, but it does have something to do with the "dark side" of town. As you know, the worst type of people tends to come out at night.

I like the fonts of the title and of the author's name, and they way the white lettering contrasts against the background. The only issue I might see with this is that even though it may have a metaphorical meaning, it doesn't exactly jump out at readers, because of how dark the colour scheme is. I personally have no issue with this cover, but if you're seeking for more exposure, I suggest having a cover that has more vivacious colours, perhaps include the characters on the cover (people go nuts for mafia stories) and maybe a compelling subtitle, that kind of summarises the blurb in just a few words. 

Blurb:

I like this blurb because it has an actual structure. You introduce the first protagonist, end the paragraph with a sentence that links it to the next, introduce her friend (sidekick?) and finish with the conflict question. The writing flows, and your hook was pretty compelling. I certainly didn't expect Evangelina to get involved with the mafia, but then again, her father is relatively corrupt. This brings me to the few plot holes I've already picked out, just from reading the blurb.

"She has her secrets too, like her father being an alcoholic."

Her father is supposedly a world-renowned actor. Actors that famous barely have any private life—they are constantly hounded by paparazzi. Being an alcoholic is a major problem, it isn't something you can easily hide, especially if you're under the spotlight a lot.

For example, when Marilyn Monroe started doing drugs (it's worse, but alcoholism is also a debilitating addiction) it started to impact her work as an actress as well. She couldn't spend more than a few hours on set, it affected her mood, her relationships, etc. So it's impossible that such a famous actor can be an alcoholic and nobody knows about this. Especially when I think of an alcoholic as a person that consumes alcohol frequently, and in large quantities.

"After watching his father throughout his life, he developed a sense of justice."

A Mafia boss' sense of justice is warped. They believe that by 'helping' people (giving them loans with a 50% interest rate, throwing threats, protecting their territory), it gives them the leeway to destroy anyone who gets in their way. What they see as 'justice' (e.g. burning down the house of a poor soul who was dumb enough to take out a loan from them), is different by, let's say, a superhero sees as justice. There is a big distinction, so I think you should clarify that Scott doesn't agree with his father's corrupt morals. Additionally, I don't see why he's snooping around his family's business. They do pretty illegal stuff already, so what is he trying to achieve? Collect evidence on his father to throw him in jail? Clarify this.

"Soon, the members of the Carlyle family start being killed by a man named "The Author."—I'm assuming that Evangelina and Scott are teenagers. Scott is the son of a mafia boss. You know how often members of the mafia kill one another?

It's not that the guy is a corrupt stockbroker, or company CEO, which could explain why this guy's family is getting killed. But between mafia families/gangs, it's something normal. So I don't know why anyone would think anything of it (especially Scott, who from what I understand doesn't agree with his father's job).

If you want this to work, there has to be a mention that when Scott's family members start getting killed, that it's something abnormal, that it's not your typical feud between gangs. That would clear things up.

There are also a couple of grammatical and contextual errors. Such as: "However, Evangelina doesn't have as much luxury as people believe her to have." This basically implies that Evangelina is actually either poor, or in debt, and her 'extravagant lifestyle' is just a facade for this. I think you meant that her life isn't as 'perfect as it seems', so I suggest that you reword this. Another example is the last paragraph. It's a run-on sentence.

I suggest you reread through your blurb and look for the others. I'm also praying that this won't be another one of those generic mafia novels—you threw in a serial killer, so that should spice things up. 

*rubs hands together* Now, for the story!

First Impression:

In all honesty, I found the first chapter to be pretty dull (apart from the ending). It was hard for me to feel engaged in the story when it was constantly weighed down by the backstory. There was ALOT of info-dumping, which slowed the pace of the story down considerably and made my eyes glaze over. The worst part is that it was paragraphs long—you'd have a paragraph of the 'present', then one or two on the backstory, then continue with the story. There are other factors that contributed to this dullness, but I'll refer to them in the writing style section.

Every single piece of information you provide to us has to move the plot forwards. In your case—it's important to know that Evangeline lives next to a mafia boss (although you introduced this too early. You should've put this information in after Evangeline actually mentions Scott in the dialogue), that her father is an alcoholic Broadway star, and that her mother died. But I didn't need to know about the whole sob story of him being told to go to rehab, what he would say on his 'dead drunk' days, etc. because I deduce that through the man's actions, and the dialogue between father and daughter (adding that backstory is just redundant). 

It was also hard for me to empathize with characters, because of how impersonal the writing felt. I was told what Evangeline did, but I didn't get a lot of feeling from her. It was hard for me to relate to the character—yeah, I felt bad for her, but not to the point where it made me care for her. There were also a couple of things that I found odd:

a) How nobody at work notices that he's drunk. I've already made a point of this earlier, so I won't repeat it again. Yes, he's an actor, but you can tell someone is intoxicated. They don't have the mental clarity to be convincing in their acting.

b) The part where Evangelina tripped over and fell on a pushpin (how?) didn't really do anything for the story. She stared at her wound, then completely forgot about it later on. There was no mention of the discomfort/pain later on.

c)Switching POVs halfway through a chapter is a big no-no. Each chapter should have a designated POV. This also gives you a chance to expand on it and add more emotional depth to it. 

d) She ate her breakfast quickly, yet I was given a list of the different foods she consumed. 

I know I may sound harsh, but the first chapter is probably THE most important chapter in the story, especially when it comes to reeling in readers. If the first chapter isn't interesting enough (it's not even a matter of it being action-packed) then any potential reader will lose interest right away. At least, you only have that so far, which gives you the time to really reconsider your plotline, character backstories, and setting. 

Writing Style:

This is what made the first chapter so dull. 

There is an odd tense switch in the very first paragraph (which for a moment made me think that the whole chapter would be in present tense AND third person limited. I was about to go on a spiel), and little-to-no sentence variation. Some were very long, others were so short, they were only dependent clauses (which do not express a complete thought), which is a massive grammatical error. An example of dependent clauses is: "His brown hair flowing with the wind and head turned towards the sunrise." 

Most sentences began the same way, making the narration sound repetitive, and like a hammer knocking against my head. A lot of this was: "She did this. She did that. She walked her. She touched this." There was little to no figurative language (metaphors, similes, allusions, onomatopoeias, etc.) or sensory details. The first chapter was basically just a telling of what she did. There was no depth to it. 

Characters:

Evangelina—The protagonist. She's the daughter of a famous actor, and even though she's scare about living next door to a mafia boss, she doesn't have any bodyguards. As far as I can tell, her house doesn't have a security system. I don't really know what to think about her—her character is as flat as a sheet of paper. At least she isn't one of your typical rich stuck up bitches that only think about how to coordinate their nailpolish to their clothing and crash the next party.

Scott—The son of a Mafia boss. I wonder if it's just for the sake of the cliché or if it actually has any actual relevance to the story. His hair blows in the wind pretty dramatically, so I'm thinking that he could also star in a Broadway show, like Evangelina's father. It could be a romance. 

Thomas (Evangelina's father)—Part-time Broadway actor, part-time alcoholic. He's not violent, only a little kooky...but I guess that's how actors are. What I found strange is the fact that he didn't start drinking the day after his wife's death (which would have been reasonable, I mean the man is a widow) but years after. It's like one day he was randomly reminded of his dead wife and decided to drink away his sorrows. I think it's just an excuse to get 'dead drunk', if you ask me. 

Psychopathic lady—What's her deal? (I thought she was The Author, but the blurb said it was a male, so maybe it's her husband)

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 6

The biggest point that needs work is the writing style. There are a lot of grammatical errors which need to be fixed, and more flavour +character depth needs to be added. But don't fret! It's just the first chapter, and it's best to start fixing plot and grammar issues right away (or at least see a pattern in them) before you get too deep into the story that rewriting it sounds as exciting as watching paint dry. 

Best of luck!