Title: Autumn's Fall

Genre: Mystery/Adventure

Author: BethanyFerson

Rating: PG

# of Chapters: 23

# of Chapters I've read: 3

Summary/Blurb: 

 One of the three Ministers of the Seasons has gone missing,

Three children learn more than they should.

An innocent journey soon turns hazardous,

What awaits them all at Autumn's Fall?

Review:

Cover:

[I was told beforehand by the author that the cover will be replaced soon, but I'll still give my opinion on it anyway.]

First of all, I like your title because it's a pun! (For those who don't get it, 'autumn' is the British way of saying 'fall'. But in this case, 'fall' doesn't mean the season. I'm mind-blown.) Was it intentional? Wait, why am I even asking, of course it is! That's what being a writer is all about—hitting your readers with creative titles and stories and leaving them scrambling around for their brains once their head exploded from the sheer awesomeness.

The cover itself, however, doesn't do justice to the title, and here's why.

It's obviously manipulated, but not for the better—I get what you're trying to convey here. There's this demonic hand coming out of nowhere, and it's trying to grab at the people walking/running on the bottom of the picture. (In the blurb it says there are three children, but I see four on the cover)

The issue here is, that the picture of the forest seems to be taken at a time where it was very foggy, so the majority of the image is faded (grey). Maybe you were trying to make it all seem spooky, but then the images that are layered upon it are also dark, so you can't really see what's going on. Then there isn't the author's name on the cover, just the title, smack dab in the middle in white, because you wouldn't be able to read it in any other colour.

You have a lot of cool elements to play around with: ministers of the seasons, spooky forest, kids running around, etc., but at the same time, try to stick to the "Adventure" theme. This isn't a horror story, so the cover shouldn't reflect the genre.

Overall—Creative title, not so creative cover. But it will be fixed soon, so I'm hoping that it will be something that will blow people away. 

Blurb:

I've removed this part from the blurb/summary in the review book: "Hey y'all, this is my first try at writing a story on here, and I'm writing it as I go, so the editing might be a bit rough at times. Comments make me happy and votes make my day ^____^"

Why, you ask. Because nobody wants to know that this is your first book! If you say that you are an amateur writer, this will make people grab their things and run the hell away. With that comment, you've practically hammered a sign into the ground saying: "I'm new, don't hate on my work, and it's going to be full of errors. But I'm new, so it's okay." I know this isn't what you're trying to say, but this is the message that is conveyed to me. Is this the first time you've ever written something other than a school essay? That's okay! But your potential readers don't have to know this. Keep this to yourself, your family, and to your pet platypus.

Okay, now for the blurb. It's a little short/generic and kind of reads like a poem to me (Again, was this on purpose) due to the commas at the end of the phrases. You know what would be really cool? If you actually open your blurb with a poem regarding the ministers of the seasons or something. I know it would grab MY attention.

Then, include more information about:

a) The Ministers of the Seasons.

b) Give me the name of these three children. Are they actual children or teenagers?

End the blurb with "what awaits them all at Autumn's fall? Because it rhymes, and rhymes are cool. *thumbs up*

Overall— More could be done. 

First Impression:

Intrigued, that's the only word I can think of right now. This place is so weird, but at the same time, so mystifying. First, the mentor dies of "unknown causes" (did her life reach the end of the line?), then suddenly, we have the MC kidnapped, all in the first chapter.

That ending was certainly unexpected, because, until then, the scene had been moving at a relatively slow pace. It was mostly the character reminiscing about the past, thinking about the present, and worrying about the future. I certainly found myself immersed in the story.

The only thing that really got to me was the murkiness of the events/ info-dumping. You jumped around between the past and present, and because these transitions weren't clear (and because we don't have any names) I was often confused about who you were referring to with certain things.

Additionally, the use of rhetorical questions didn't help this: For example:

"Had it really been nearly half a year now since her mentor's passing?"

I found this unnecessary because the last sentence of the previous paragraph clearly stated that her mentor had "recently deceased." So you could've easily started the next one with "That day of the winter solstice, [...]" because you tell us how the mentor died.

This is done a second time in the third paragraph: "Was it really only two years ago now that she had realised she no longer needed food?" At first, I thought you were referring to the deceased mentor, but later on in the paragraph, I understand that you're talking about the character. This obviously caused some confusion for me. We finished talking about the deceased mentor in the last three paragraph—move to the present now, and make the transition clear.

Overall—Make things crystal clear, any element of ambiguity/confusion in the first chapter will leave readers shaking their heads and waggling their little finger at you. You only want that halfway through, when you kill off their favourite characters. 

Writing Style:

Info-dumping. You want to intertwine information with action. In the first chapter, more emphasis is placed on what happened a year ago, rather than on the present—the ending of that first chapter would've been more impactful if the character was doing something, other than standing and staring at the portrait of the deceased Minister of the Winter. It had me shocked, of course, but mostly because it was a little too unexpected. Like the servant just came out of nowhere and just attacked her.

This can be seen in the next chapter as well, and the next. It's more interesting for the reader to see this information in the action of the characters (or even the dialogue) rather than through blocks of texts in between the action.

Grammar and punctuation are on point, and apart from some awkward phrasing certain places, the writing flows and is easy to read. I especially like how realistic your characters are, namely the children. They are clever, fearless, but they still behave like their age (and not like adults). 

Characters:

The Minister of Winter— Seems like a relatively young lass, unexpectedly thrown into her role as a Minister without being given too many answers. She doesn't last long without someone poisoning her. Reminds me of a Mexican president that didn't last a year into office without getting killed. I'd like to know more about her physical appearance; does it reflect her season? Also, more about her inner thoughts. There's ALOT of narration, I need to be connected to this unlucky character right away.

Angus— Protective big brother. Is very crafty/clever, and his sisters follow what he says blindly because he only wants what's best for them. He's also very observant and doesn't allow himself to just "look over" strange events. If he wants answers, he's going to get them. I can't believe that he was willing to abandon his younger sister, though, I guess he's kind of ruthless. I like that.

Cecilia— Middle child/ oldest sister. Has that same energy as her brother, that same adventurous spirit, but of course has that motherly instinct to her. Unlike her brother, she actually cares about her younger sister's well-being.

Sophia— The baby of the family, and acts as such. Refuses to be left out of the 'plan', trying to prove to her siblings that she is just as cool as they are, but is actually a bigger wimp than she thinks. At least she didn't spill the beans, that would've sucked. 

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 8 

Apart from the truckloads of background information (often not the right kind), sketchy cover, and ambiguity of certain parts, the overaching idea is otherwise very interesting. I can tell that you've put a lot of thought into your work—it really shows. With a bit of tweaking and editing, this will turn out to be one hell of a story!