Title: Severance

Author: Solita Todesstern

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG-13

# of chapters: 5 (ongoing)

# of chapters I've read:  1 1/2

Summary/Blurb: 

In the world of Resliya, Tales are woven as Legends. The tragic Tale we shall speak of is known to fellow Taleweavers as, "The Tale of the Fallen Kingdom of Etrunia." It is a Tale of Severance from a fallen kingdom. A broken tie between a girl's dearest family and her subjects. It is the Tale of two girls destined to fight each other in the most unfortunate and tragic ending which devoured all hope of a restored kingdom and happiness.

Let us start with, "Once upon a time, there was a girl named Seraphine Celesté Rossesen, the princess and heir to the elven throne as well as the Wielder of the jewels of Purity and Avarice. Her Guardian and Warrior sworn to protect her was a girl named Edith Sinclair, a human survivor of a burnt village to inevitable ashes. By and by the days passed until the elven throne was near Seraphine's grasp.

Until that unfaithful day, it had all perished. Her kingdom? In ashes. Her people? Dead. Her parents? Brutally murdered. Her warriors? Sacrificed. Her jewels? Thrown into the crevices of the world.

And the Princess you ask?

Dead.

Or was she?"

Review:

Cover:

Another wonderful example of a cover done by a graphic designer, because it incorporates elements from the blurb and matches up with the title. Even though I had to look up its definition (severance means broken ties, for those who were as clueless as I am), it's a title that stands out and differs from the others in the genre.

The main character (Seraphine Celesté) is on the cover and I can see the "severance" through the swords behind her. I guess the golden clock signifies that time is running out, and she has to save her kingdom before all hell goes loose. It's mystifying, eye-catching, and that's all I'm going to say about it.

Overall—Good work! 

Blurb:

To be honest, I'm not a fan of this blurb. First of all, I don't understand why 'tale' is capitalized, it's a noun, not a name (as well as guardian/warrior, etc.). I also don't understand why people who tell these tales are called 'tale weavers', and not 'storytellers'. It sounds unnecessarily complicated, and it doesn't make a differentiation between fictional stories and real-life happenings.

Initially, I thought that the story would be about these 'taleweavers' but instead, it revolves around the characters in the story itself, which I'm not sure are fictional or not (of course this is a work of fiction, but is this meant to be realistic based in their world? I'm not sure). Actually, I'm not even sure who this story is about.

From what I understand, the blurb is a story told by the taleweaver. So there's an odd mixture of the first person perspective and third person perspective. What makes this confusing is the fact that you open with an impersonal tone. "In the world of Resliya, Tales are woven as Legends." By the next sentence, where the narrator refers to themselves as "we", I'm thinking, who is "we"? What does this have to do with the ensuing talks of Severance, broken kingdom, etc.?

Setting the blurb up as some kind of fairytale doesn't work. The story itself is supposed to sound badass and dramatic, but instead, it sounds like one of those stories you tell your children to put them to sleep.

I was also bombarded with a million questions at the end: "Her kingdom? In ashes. Her people? Dead. Her parents? Brutally murdered. [...]" and it goes on and on—all of this could have been made more compelling in statements rather than rhetorical questions.

Overall—This sounds like a Disney princess movie. 

First Impression:

The first paragraph of the prologue had me like, *snores* because of the purple prose. The description, instead of helping me picture the scene, did the complete opposite. I found myself having to hack through useless adjectives, metaphors (?), and a confusing personification of the trees in order to decipher what was going on.

For example: "Blistering wind whistled in the sky." I'm unsure about what that's supposed to mean. How can the wind be blistering? I could see the sun's rays being blistering, but not the wind; if anything, it cools down the air. I can also see an attempt in making the trees sound scary—but there is no mention of them being part of a forest or woods. Then, in the same paragraph, you introduce a character with "her", when I'm still thinking it has something to do with the trees.

The rest of the prologue reads like a script for a play. There is this strange language that seems like latin (is it latin? Or have you based it on latin?), which for people who don't speak any Romance languages sounds just like gibberish. At first, it seemed like she was reciting some kind of incantation, but then it soon became clear that she wasn't. There is no indication as to what kind of language this is, or a translation for people who, not even through the context, can understand what she's saying.

The character is also approached by a Drac—some kind of reptilian being that just jumps out of nowhere and starts talking to the girl. I'm told that she's scared, etc. but it seems odd to me that in the heart of the night (and forest) she would just chat with this creature. It asks her strange questions, and I was wondering the whole time about whether it wanted to kill her or just invite her over for tea or something.

The language employed by the characters (besides the weird latin) is awfully complicated and awkward to read. It's like they're in the 15th century and speaking Elizabethan English: "I venture here to return to my home, Drac," But at this point, the time period is still unclear.

Basically, the whole scene is a disturbing version of little Red Riding Hood, where instead of a wolf we have some snake-person (who lets her go so she can tell a tale? What tale?)

Overall—What. 

Writing Style:

Grammar is fine, except for those odd moments where it was unclear who the subject of the sentence is: "The trees rustled with the whistle of the wind, branches like shadows of deceptive animals. Smirks lined their faces, bloodied saliva seeped through gleaming pearly white teeth."  What is "their" referring to in the second sentence? The trees, or the animals? Another example: "It was a day where the citizens of Acren were bustling in the vendor-lined streets. They were adorned with flamboyant cloths [...]" The word 'vendor' refers to the people who are standing at the stalls and selling their stuff. So when I read "they were adorned with flamboyant cloths" I thought you were referring to the people, not the stalls. 

The punctuation also needs some work—especially when it comes to the dialogue. You only put a comma at the end of the dialogue when it's followed by a dialogue tag, as you've done correctly in: '"It would only last a day," Edith whispered.' But when the dialogue is followed by action and NOT a tag, it must end with a full-stop, and the action should start with a capital letter. For example, '"I am here," the girl turned [...]' is incorrect, because the girl turning isn't a dialogue tag. The correct way of writing this would be: '"I am here." The girl turned [...]' 

The description also seems to rely heavily on adjectives and repetition (like in the prologue, you've used the wind to describe the setting plenty of times). It could be made stronger through the employment of similes and metaphors, as well as other forms of figurative language. The main point here isn't to just throw in a ton of useless details that do nothing but burden the writing—the description should help paint a picture, not make things more hazy and confusing. The plotline may be captivating and original, but it will most likely not make up for the fact that people cannot understand what the heck is going on. 

The diction is good (albeit the vocabulary seems to be repetitive at times, as I've said), but sometimes the adjectives you used didn't quite match up with the noun. Like when you referred to the girl's lips as "glossy" in the prologue—was she wearing lipgloss or lipstick? You also use glossy to refer to the reptilian's eyes, which makes more sense. 

Characters:

Edith— Over-dramatic and annoying. I've only had to read the first half of the first chapter to dislike her. She's like one of those Mary Sue characters you find in soap operas.

Taleweaver—Is it Edith? Or someone else? Nobody knows. Reminds me of Little Red Riding Hood.

Drac— Reptile-man. Spends his time lurking in the woods and scaring teenage girls. 

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 6

It was hard for me to get into this story (which is why I only read one and a half chapters), even though the plot sounds interesting and holds potential, because of all of the things I've pointed out earlier. Maybe I'm too old for fairytales, and this book would hold appeal for a younger audience. No idea.

Good luck!