Hello humans. I am one of the great conquerors of the universe! That's right! I am a Leftnoid! What is my name, you ask with relish and other pickled items? Glorfnub Piknolizer! But you may call me Geff for short since I have chosen that name to infiltrate your world. I have decided to record this in a Mind Writer as I go, that way everyone will realize my genius as it happens and not just my vague memory of it, as some of you humans do in your memoirs. This will be a tale of how I, Glorfnub, Geff, Piknolizer, came here, to your blue and green planet to take it over! How? Isn't it obvious? Sales, of course. The finest Purified Undorbious Sack, or PUS if you will, that you can find in this, or dare I say, any galaxy!

My PUS is so rare that lifeforms from all across the universe come to my home planet just to attempt to trade for a single sack! They usually leave empty handed! PUS is something only my species can produce! This is why we are the most amazing and advanced creatures in the universe! It is also why we are also the most powerful! Don't believe me? Who currently owns a third of the galaxies in this universe? That's right! We do!

Now that I have come of age, I too will place my accomplishments on the mantel that is my culture's legacy! I will take over Earth in the same way that my brethren (and sisteren?) have done so to other inhabited planets for a milenia; buy the earth with PUS!

Now, I should mention that you earthlings have a particular appearance that is quite strange. I mean, you have overgrown fur growing out of your skull, as well as other various, unmentionable parts of your bodies! And no one thinks this is a concern! What's worse is that you have a name for it: hair! What's wrong with you? But if I must fit in with your creepy appearance, then I must. I don't want you freaking out about how amazing I look and forget that I need you to sell your planet, so I have fashioned a fitting disguise thanks to Pentarian technology, which will make me appear as if I were one of you.

Of course, I have some dignity. I can't just parade around, looking like some freak that stepped out of what you call a 'Booty Salon'. No, I have taken my time and carefully selected the perfect disguise. It took the Pentarians six months to produce such an astonishing appearance that fit all of my specifications. You see, I've been watching you. And I know that the real rulers of the world are those who you don't even realize is governing you. They stand at a little over four feet tall. The hard part was deciding what color my body should be. There are so many options! Since I was starting my mission in someplace called the United States, I thought it would be important to see what kind of people live there. Unfortunately, this didn't help much since there are so many different colored people everywhere. The most common are either pale skins or brown skins. Brown skins are the cool ones. They talk cooler and dance cooler and therefore are the prime specimen. However, the pale skins have a tendency to treat the brown skins differently; sometimes even with violence. Through my research, I have learned that it is because the pale people are either jealous of the brown people for not being pale, or they are in love with them... although if I am honest, I fell asleep during that part of the show....so I may be mixing episodes. Either way, I thought the safer option would be to dress myself as a pale skin with short brown hair. Besides, there are cool pale skins too; like Fonzie, or Ross Geller, Eric Forman, or that human who can see dead people; creepy. Luckily these humans have almost no other hair on their bodies, other than their heads; which is great for my self esteem - the less hair I have to wear, the better. I also learned that the fabric you use to cover yourselves is not skin, which is good since I don't want to be a living rainbow. So I have had the Pentarians create for me something suitable; a bright red tee skirt, to embody power and black, leather plants and foot coverings to signify mystery. Therefore, it will be impossible for anyone on Earth to think me anything but dominant!

As I arrived on this blue and green planet, I chose to do it as discreetly as possible. I activated my ship's 'camouflage mode', which made my spherical ship appear like a harmless little asteroid floating gently to earth. For some reason, you humans don't populate the blue parts of your world, weirdos, so I decided to land just outside of a place called Phoenix, Arizona. It was a mountain area that seemed less populated, but close enough to a city for me to begin my business for world domination!

Obviously, I can't just leave a spaceship out in the wild without precautions; I have valuable merchandise in there. So, I altered the camouflage of the ship to appear like part of the mountain, changing everything from the shape of the ship, to the outer texture; Pentarian technology is the best.

Before exiting my vessel, I took two Pus' out of my vault and placed them into a holding bag that I brought with me. I had carefully calculated much Pus it would take to conquer the planet. According to my research, the earth was worth about 200 trillion US dollars; whatever that is. I brought with me, 80,000 Purified Undorbios Sacks, but I won't need all of them; that would be ridiculous! I should need less than 10,000 PUS. It's a big planet....actually, if I can meet with the world leader, maybe I can buy the earth for only a dozen, or less...NO! I must spread my influence first! I am Glorfnub and I shall be known throughout Earth and the universe!

With my disguise on and my PUS safely stored in my bag of holding, I opened the hatch of my ship and smelled the fresh air; which smelled of dung and dirt. It was dry, hot and there was a breeze wafting more of the foul smell into my new nostrils. My ship closed itself behind me as I involuntarily choked on the air! Could I not breathe on this planet? Or did it simply smell so awful that it only felt toxic? Forcing myself to ignore the stench, I looked around, memorizing the area so I could find it easily, but there was nothing to make this area stand out.

"Ship!" I commanded with a stern voice. "Create a grassy patch with a flag so I can find this location easily." My vessel warped to fit my description and to be sure I wouldn't lose my place, I put the coordinates into my wristwatch, which was actually a Pentarian device, similar to what you humans call a GPS; only way cooler - even though all it did was tell me how to get from one place to another.

The journey down the mountain was long. It was increasingly difficult to walk downhill, especially in the areas that were steep, but I managed to do it without too much difficulty. When I finally reached the bottom and saw businesses and the dirt turned much harder and black with several small yellow lines drawn on it, I knew I had made it; so I collapsed.

What? It's not like I had a treadmill! I had just spent three weeks in a spaceship researching and watching a Nebulew drama called 'Fish of the Fancy Feast'. It's a great show! The Nebulew are fish people. The show is all about how they prepare their meals. One guy was able to literally cook his opponent in a skillet, flavoring him with lemon and basil and making worm chips to add on the side. The judges loved it! They were fish too; obviously. 96 episodes of that keeps you on the edge of your seat, let me tell you!

After regaining the feeling in my legs, I walked to the nearest store, which was labelled "Ed's Pawn Shop." I had heard about pawn shops. You could sell anything there, even old, useless, stupid things. Like a paper card of someone dead who used to play a sport. Or a rusty piece of metal that had been a part of some war from years ago. You humans are so silly.

As soon as I opened the door, a bell rang out, alerting the owner to my presence. He was an older man with hair not only on the top of his head, but also below his nose and even below his mouth. It practically covered his entire face! What in the name of Nads is wrong with you people? The rest of him was less disturbing, wearing a green shirt with the store's name on the left breast. That was all I could see of the man, as the wooden counter concealed the rest of his body.

"Hello there." The man said. "What can I do for you, lad?"

"What in the name of nads is a lad?" In all my research, I had never come across this word!

The man seemed stunned for a moment. Had I said something wrong? Did he see through my disguise? Did he have the ex-ray vision that I had heard rumors about? If he did, he hadn't acted on it. Instead, he regained his composure and said, "Sorry son. I uhh...What can I do for you?"

I decidedly ignored any awkwardness that seemed present and got to business. "I hear that you will buy anything."

The man grunted, "Not everything. But if it's worth something and I can sell it, yeah. What do you have?"

I eyed him suspiciously. It would not be the first time that someone tried to steal PUS. "First, are you the owner of this establishment?"

He nodded and voiced his confirmation, "Yes, I'm Ed."

"And there are cameras in place that I may use to protect myself if you were to attempt to steal my prized goods?"

"...Yes." He pointed to a device on the ceiling. "You don't have to worry about me taking anything without paying for it. I wouldn't be in business if I did that."

He had a point. "Very well. Behold!" I took out one of my two Purified Undorbious Sacks and raised it for the man to witness its glory!

Ed looked at the PUS, taking in its wonder. Then he sniffed, "Ahh, it's neat. Alright. What do you want for it? Five bucks?"

"Five bucks?" I mocked. "A simple five dollars? No, no, no, no. I don't think you understand my good man. This is it! This is the most wonderful thing you will ever see or find in all the universe!"

"Uh huh. What do you want for it?"

I see now. He was testing me. Trying to lowball me into making a foolish decision. Well, I showed him! But I have to play it cool. This is the very first PUS that Earth has had the privilege to have. I should give it for a discount. Then, they'll want more of it and I can raise the price so high that I'll end up selling half of what I expected to need! "I've decided to sell this for a low price. Really, I'm practically giving it away." I chuckled, "Ten billion U.S. dollars should be well worth the reward."

"Haha!" The man laughed. Clearly, he saw the deal and would take it instantly. "You're kidding. What do you really want for it?"

"No joke. I will accept the low amount of ten billion dollars."

"No."

"As in....no, that's too low and I cannot accept not paying you more for it?"

"No as in, I'm not paying that much for it."

I spluttered, saliva spitting in several directions, "You must be kidding me!"

"I'll still take it for five dollars, but-"

"Five dollars is outrageous! Do you even realize what this is? It's PUS!" The man showed a strange face, like he was going to be sick. What was wrong with him? "PUS!" I repeated. "PUS!!!!"

"Where are your parents?"

I stared, stunned. Unbelievable! This was ridiculous! "P...PUS.." I would not stand for this! If he would not buy it, others would! "Good day, sir. You have just made the biggest mistake of your life. I bid you farewell."

The hairy man made no other attempts to stop me. Although, he did ask where my parents were again. What would that matter anyway? I would just have to sell my PUS elsewhere. In the end, I will have the last laugh! And he, Ed, will cry sorrowfully for not paying my gracious price of ten billion dollars for my PUS. In the end, I will have the earth and what will Ed have? Nothing.