14 - Tears

Dedicated to: Alienastral_

“Lila, busy ka ba? Pagawa ako neto.”

“Lila may problema ako.”

“Kailangan ko ang tulong mo, Lila.”

I had always been the source of strength. The one everyone turned to when times get tough.

“Of course, no worries.”

And I can’t say no. Nakasanayan ko na rin, na kung kaya ko, hindi ako hihindi.

For years, I had shouldered the burdens of my family and friends, never once letting them see the weakness of my own.

“Thank you, Lila. The best ka talaga!”

I smiled genuinely. “You’re always welcome.”

But there were nights when I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on me.

Nakakapagod pala.

Nakakapagod maging sandalan. Nakakapagod maging solusyon. Nakakapagod maging malakas.

And my strength seems tested. When I found out that my mother is sick.

She has a brain cancer.

I took on the role of caretaker without hesitation, managing doctor’s appointments, and medications.

Wala na akong ama, nag-iisang anak, kaka-graduate ko lang din sa accountancy. At ako ang inaasahan ng lahat. Hindi lang sa pamilya ko, kundi sa pinagta-trabahoan ko.

I juggled this with my demanding job, where my boss expected perfection and my workmates relied on my expertise.

Through it all, I never complained.

Alam kong kakayanin ko itong lahat.

Ako pa.

Then came the discharge at work.

Pahinga ko na sana, but the stress of an increased workload and the guilt of seeing my friends lose their jobs bite me.

My evenings were spent catching up on work, my weekends lost to endless chores. My friends wonder at how I kept everything together, but they didn’t see the sleepless nights, the skipped meals, the silent prayers for strength.

Breaking point came.

My car broke down on the way home. Worst, nanakawan pa ako. Nawala lahat ng pinaghirapan ko. Pambayad na sana iyon ng hospital bill.

Ewan ko kung may galit ba sa akin ang mundo.

But the rain poured down in sheets, soaking me to the bone as I waited for someone to rescue me.

My phone buzzed with work email; my friends messages each one a reminder of the countless people depending on me.

When I finally got home, I thought I can finally rest my body and soul but a pile of unpaid bills on the kitchen table, my mother’s weak voice calling me from the bedroom, and a message from my boss about an urgent project welcomed me.

I stood in the doorway, the weight of everything crashing down on me all at once.

Pagod na pagod na ako.

My vision blurred, and for the first time, I felt completely defeated.

I cried.

I walked to the bedroom, sat down next to my mother, and took her hand.

“Pagod na ako, Ma.” I whispered, my voice is breaking.

In a rare moment of clarity, she looked at me with eyes full of love and understanding.

“It’s okay to cry, Lila,” she said softly. “You don’t always have to be strong.”

And those words broke the damn inside me. Tears finally streamed down my face.

“Hindi ko na kayang pasanin lahat. Gusto ko ng magpahinga.”

I cried for the exhaustion, the fear, the loneliness I had kept bottled up for so long.

Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon...umiyak ako.

I cried for my mother, the job that drained me, the friends who always needed me, and the life that seemed so cruel.

I don’t know how long I sat there, my mother’s hand in me, letting the tears fall. But as the storm inside me raged, I felt a strange sense of relief.

I had been brave for so long, but in this moment, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to feel the pain.

When my tears finally subsided, I took a deep breath and looked at my mother, who gave me a weak but encouraging smile.

“You’re stronger than you think, Lila. But even the strongest need to rest sometimes.”

I nodded, wiping my tears away.

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